What triggers BPDspouse? Also tools to pacify?

[Chambers]

I am fairly new to this group and learning so much about my situation through the support of those who make up this support network, so I would like to thank each and every one of you who takes the time to read and contribute.

My BPD spouse Mr H is undiagnosed but I have on numerous occasions been told by psychologists that he is showing classic signs, and considering his childhood is not surprising. It has only been the last 12 months though that I have admitted something is wrong and that my relationship is not normal. I have been in denial a long time.

As I have worked on myself over the last 13 years of marriage, I no longer feel guilty like I have in the past nor feel the need to control Mr H. All thanks to belief therapy or better know as Mindfulness training. Reading the posts here we all suffer in different ways yet with the same outcomes, some worst than others. My questions are;

What are the triggers which cause the most stress to BPD's?

What technics, situations or hobbies pacify those with BPD?

Below are some of the things I have identified;

Triggers

1.  He is made responsible or has to take responsibility involuntary; this is a huge one, he panics at the pressure and feelings of inadequacy kick in.

2. Pressure to live up to perceived expectations; Similar to above but has struggled with every job he has ever had.

3. Feeling trapped or the other extreme; abandonment

4. Being told what to do or given advice, this is hard for me because I just have to watch him make mistakes and pick up the pieces after. He often thinks everyone is trying to control him.

5. Feeling his is not liked, loved or appreciated.

Pacifiers

1. Rosso our Doberman of 10 years had an incredible pacifying effect on Mr H, only now Rosso has past away have I seen the real feelings and outbursts of emotional struggle.

2. A random act of affection. A kiss on the cheek, a hug from behind and telling Mr H I love him, however he will always respond with 'Are you sure?' I do this is when he is melancholy though not outraged.
 
3. Social media, Facebook and instagram are huge! The social recognition, the likes, the comments, it sends me nuts and has been a huge arguing point. The notifications dinging throughout movies, nighttime and even when we are out socially! But he gains a sense of belonging. He is on his phone all the time. (Not sure this is healthily though)

4. Taking responsibility for myself. Sadly I have learnt to ask for very little in the way of favours unless absolutely necessary.

I would love to know what other people experience and what helps 

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[Lakebreeze]

Your observations are very similar to ones I could have made about my own uBPD husband. Except he despises our dog because she has run off on him and embarrassed him but he loves our cat. Like very attached.
Do you have children? I have noticed that our children are a huge trigger for him. They are never polite enough, quiet enough, fast enough for him. On the other had he loves talking about how wonderful they are if they are not around or asleep.

[Chambers]

Lakebreeze, that's interesting!

No children yet because I have been battling with his instability for so long and not knowing what was wrong. Mr H was devastated over Rosso it has taken him 2 years to move on from getting teary when he talks about him. Rosso gave him unconditional love and attention.

[Wutnow32]

So sorry to hear about your dog, Rosso. Lakebreeze, it kills me that your SO feels so insecure that he'd be wounded by so much as a pet running off. That's awful. You both seem to be dealing with much of the same situations I also experience.
Chambers, you asked about triggers. While FB seems to be a huge ego stroke for Mr H it totally sets my wife off in the worst way. She can't help but look at what other people 'have' that she doesn't. It turns in to the most obnoxious pity party and usually ends with blame on her decision to marry me and our being childless (too much mental health issues happening to feel stable enough for a child IMO. I never advocated for it). So, throw in some resentment and voila, a recipe for a fight.
What do you do when your SO has a pity party for one? Nothing has ever gone his/her way, no one ever acknowledges her, everyone is out to get her including the universe. In my head I'm screaming at the top of my lungs 'sanctuary!' But outward I have to be supportive and careful not to invalidate her feelings. So I listen. But I really don't have anything validating to say, so then I get busted for not saying anything. It's a total no win situation. Anyone have suggestions on what to do to diffuse this type of scenario? Would be very helpful. Thanks

[Lakebreeze]

In response to how to handle the pitty parties; I just read an article the other day that suggested trying to validate the feeling behind even the most negative statements. So like my husband always says "See? Do you get it now? I'm cursed!" My answer used to " oh honey, other people have it worse blah blah blah. Now I try to say something like " sure seems like it doesn't it?". Or his other classic " everyone in this state is lazy and incompetent." I used to say " do you realize that is insulting both of us?" Now I say " lazy incompetent people are annoying!" And just the false part of the statement drop. Hope this helps!

[Pulka]

Triggers:

Instability, is actually a trigger. Having a stable home, partner and routine is tremendously helpful. Even down to dates/times of therapy sessions.

Statements that begin with "You... ."

The sense of someone not paying attention, even if you've had the discussion 1,000 times before and know it off by heart.

Alcohol, creates bad behaviour which leads to shame and depression.

Social situations where there is pressure; your boss, in-laws family. Anywhere where they must be on their best behaviour.

Tiredness, can make anyone cranky but to BPD this leads to mental exhaustion quickly, which results in poor work and social performance. Which leads to anxiety and potential abandonment fears.

Ways in which to cope with said person or key phrases;

Always have valid 'arguements' in which you can list of points. Try and sit down and think about the points first (if you can).

 Start with 'I feel or I think' never directly criticise with 'you... .'

When they start escalating a conversation, suggest coming back to it later.

it's helpful to walk and talk - not sure how but what you say seems to sink in and it's no longer me me me to a BPD while walking and it reduces their stress levels to allow a conversation to occur.

Hope you find these useful

[Langdale]

Hello Chambers
I am new to this board too so welcome to this space. My husband has been diagnosed BPD before we got married and he knows and accepts it.
Triggers for my husband are mainly unexpected or/and new situations. It makes him very worried and anguish. Two weeks ago he was asked if he could come to the police station because they had some queries regarding his car. They also said not to worry that he was not under investigation or anything. This made him panic and he imagined all kind of scenarios even so he could not think of anything he had done.
The day we  were due to go he was so scared and worried that, while I was on the phone he went into the bedroom and overdosed on his prescription medication. Luckily I stopped him early enough. He was discharged from hospital the same day. I went to the police station and brought the officer to the hospital who explained everything to him. It turned out to be just a routine check.
other triggers  which can let to a melt down are
getting lost or not to be sure where we are going in the car
emotional events funerals etc
he making a mistake
general stressful situations at work
the thought of not being 100% in control of what is going to happen

helping factors:
having had a good and successful day at work
meeting nice people
being praised for good work
When he is really worried and apprehensive about an upcoming situation it helps when I appeal to his rational side saying: if you think about it or what is the worsed thing  that could happen?
And always validating his feelings again and again and again

hope that is helpful