She sent me a semi reasonable message - respond?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was sent a very long email by my uBPDex - the last form of contact was about a week ago which led to me blocking her (everywhere except email evidently) because of a barrage of harassing and vulgar messages.

Now that she sent me a very reasonable message I don't know what to do. (Reasonable to the degree that she's capable of; there's still very accusatory things in this email, but it's packaged in a way without swearing or name calling, and it recalls many nice, sweet moments we've had together in a fond way).

She asks me to let her know that I received it, which due to the reasonable-ness of the message I'm inclined to do, but at the same time, I don't want to let her know that she can contact me this way for when what I fear are the inevitable abusive messages to come. I'm thinking that silence here might end the back and forth better than responding, even though she claims she wants to give us space now. I don't believe her because every time she's seemed reasonable in this breakup it's been followed by something I never expected, based on somehow I "messed up" according to her, and includes extreme degradation, vulgarity or both.

Does anybody have any advice? This doesn't seem like a recycle attempt, but I am worried that responding may lead to more negativity that I've been trying to escape. Right now I can pretend I never received the email and go on with my life. Since she's blocked I don't have to worry about harassing texts or voice mails or social media messages. On the other hand I don't feel fully comfortable ignoring her when she's not being hideously unreasonable, I was (and still am if I'm honest with myself) in love with this woman after all. I just need space and time to heal from all of this.

[Owen]

I was sent a very long email by my uBPDex - the last form of contact was about a week ago which led to me blocking her (everywhere except email evidently) because of a barrage of harassing and vulgar messages.

Now that she sent me a very reasonable message I don't know what to do. (Reasonable to the degree that she's capable of; there's still very accusatory things in this email, but it's packaged in a way without swearing or name calling, and it recalls many nice, sweet moments we've had together in a fond way).

She asks me to let her know that I received it, which due to the reasonable-ness of the message I'm inclined to do, but at the same time, I don't want to let her know that she can contact me this way for when what I fear are the inevitable abusive messages to come. I'm thinking that silence here might end the back and forth better than responding, even though she claims she wants to give us space now. I don't believe her because every time she's seemed reasonable in this breakup it's been followed by something I never expected, based on somehow I "messed up" according to her, and includes extreme degradation, vulgarity or both.

Does anybody have any advice? This doesn't seem like a recycle attempt, but I am worried that responding may lead to more negativity that I've been trying to escape. Right now I can pretend I never received the email and go on with my life. Since she's blocked I don't have to worry about harassing texts or voice mails or social media messages. On the other hand I don't feel fully comfortable ignoring her when she's not being hideously unreasonable, I was (and still am if I'm honest with myself) in love with this woman after all. I just need space and time to heal from all of this.

[Panda39]

... .she claims she wants to give us space now. I don't believe her... .

Is sending this email giving you space?  Her words are saying one thing and her actions are saying something else.

I don't know your story so don't know what you want here.  If you want to break contact for awhile I would not respond the other option seems to be a short reply "yes I received your email" no more than that, no opening for more discussion.  If she follows it up with more emails I would not respond at that point.

Panda39

[Mutt]

Hi Owen,

It takes awhile to stop thinking about hurting our pwBPD's feelings. You're not responsible for other people's feelings. My guess is that she's not emotionally dysregulated for now, as far her wanting to know if you received your message, she might may fishing to see if you're emotionally available. I don't know your background either, you could send a short response like the previous poster suggested, it will assuage anxiety for both of you, if you ask me, I don't see anything to validate from what you shared in your OP.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Owen, This seems like a good time to hit the Pause Button.  I am uncertain why you think her message "doesn't seem like a recycle attempt."  It sounds like she's still trying to manipulate you through F-O-G with a message containing accusatory elements (G is for "guilt", though she manages to refrain from overtly abusive comments.  Suggest you tread carefully here, because it could be an attempt to lure you back into the BPD swamp, as Mutt suggests.  The goal, in my view, is for you to determine what response, if any, is right for you.  Suggest you avoid reacting to her message just because she contacted you.

LuckyJim

[RedPill]

I just need space and time to heal from all of this.

Your final words. Trust your gut; taking care of yourself is a good thing.
-
RP

[Swhitey]

My suggestion would be to not reply. IMO There is no value in engaging or re-hashing what went wrong, or who blames who, as it will keep you enmeshed and stall your healing process, and like you said: open the door for more abusive behavior from her. The strongest message you can send is that of silence, not to punish her, but to protect yourself and allow yourself the space to heal from this traumatic experience.

I had a similar experience about 4 weeks ago, after being NC for 8 weeks or so. I received an email from my ex (with lots of BPD traits/idealize/devalue/discard/repeat). Her email was "reasonable" at least the request was, but it was how she started it off which screwed with me and set me back a bit. She asked how I was, and that she is still single and working on herself. (why she would mention that, I have no clue other than to f*ck with me?) Then her request to get pictures off my computer of the last two months together (i guess because there are lots of photos with her and her kids) So i decided to respond, because I would pictures of me with my kids if I was in the same position. I simply addressed her request, told her I would get the pictures to her via mail, without speaking to any of her other comments about how I am or what she is doing. She sent a reply thanking me and ending it with "love, udBPDex" (still what the heck?). I know now that there is no reason to see an email or any other form of contact from her, as even something small from her can trigger me and get the ruminating going again, which is hard enough to cope with on good days already. Email from her now gets directed to my spam folder and there is no way she can contact me.

[IsThisThingOn]

I was sent a very long email by my uBPDex - the last form of contact was about a week ago which led to me blocking her (everywhere except email evidently) because of a barrage of harassing and vulgar messages.

Now that she sent me a very reasonable message I don't know what to do. (Reasonable to the degree that she's capable of; there's still very accusatory things in this email, but it's packaged in a way without swearing or name calling, and it recalls many nice, sweet moments we've had together in a fond way).

She asks me to let her know that I received it, which due to the reasonable-ness of the message I'm inclined to do, but at the same time, I don't want to let her know that she can contact me this way for when what I fear are the inevitable abusive messages to come. I'm thinking that silence here might end the back and forth better than responding, even though she claims she wants to give us space now. I don't believe her because every time she's seemed reasonable in this breakup it's been followed by something I never expected, based on somehow I "messed up" according to her, and includes extreme degradation, vulgarity or both.

Does anybody have any advice? This doesn't seem like a recycle attempt, but I am worried that responding may lead to more negativity that I've been trying to escape. Right now I can pretend I never received the email and go on with my life. Since she's blocked I don't have to worry about harassing texts or voice mails or social media messages. On the other hand I don't feel fully comfortable ignoring her when she's not being hideously unreasonable, I was (and still am if I'm honest with myself) in love with this woman after all. I just need space and time to heal from all of this.

If you were to respond, what would you say? Not that you actually have to post it, but I think I'd stop and ask myself if what I had to say was "worth" saying. In the sense of:

1. What am I hoping will happen by responding?
2. What if it opens the door to a recycle attempt? Do I want to be recycled? If yes, why do I want to be recycled? Do I want to see if this can be salvaged? If no, am I prepared for the potential that this may lead to her attempting to recycle?
3. Does this feel similar to other situations? either through phone calls or text? If yes, how did those play out?

I can remember a few times where my ex would seem reasonable in that "recalling the good memories, still subtle accusatory" way. It always ended the same way. Once she felt I had accepted her apology or attempt in whatever was going on in that moment it was like she felt she was back in control. The tides changed, still very subtle, but changed nonetheless to "but you know ABC happened because you said/did XYZ"

Personally, in my current situation with her(and even some past situations although this is by far the worst)... .I've noticed if I go NC/LC and stick to it she somehow someway always finds a reason to have contact, it sucks me in, and the second she gets what she wanted (which is exactly that... .the ball back in her court) the light switch flips and I'm back to being "scum" in her eyes. I finally this past Saturday blocked her from being able to call/text. So she resorted to email. After our last communication (this afternoon) regarding the lease on the apartment, there is officially no further reason to communicate. I am officially NC. It sucks already but I feel it is SO necessary.

My advice would be stick with the NC... .at least for now. Maybe revisit responding in a week. Ask yourself all this again at that point.

In the end only you can decide... .seems your gut already has: "I just need space and time to heal from all of this."


-D

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Owen,

This doesn't seem like a recycle attempt, but I am worried that responding may lead to more negativity that I've been trying to escape. Right now I can pretend I never received the email and go on with my life.

I think you have answered your own question my friend.  Any doubts you are having about what is right thing to do, direct at yourself.  What is right for YOU?  What do YOU want?  You say space and time to heal.  So give yourself that.  The thing we struggle with most is doing things that don't 'feel right' to us, as we are caring individuals who have done our best in our relationships.  Our hearts were in the right places.  It is hard to break away from putting that person before ourselves. 

Be honest with yourself now though.  From what you're saying this 'reasonable' message is a bit of a break from the norm.  And if the norm is torrents of abuse, why would you expect any different if you open up lines of communication again?  Do what is right for you now.  Take the time and space to heal that you recognise you need.  Then decide what you want to do next when you've achieved that.

Love and light x

[Rayban]

You blocked her everywhere for a reason. You left a door open through email, and she came knocking. Don't respond. She was abusive and disrespected you.
What's changed? Her tone?

You hold the power here my friend.  Don't fall for the act. She'll drag you in just to hit you harder. I speak from experience.  This is your chance to cut the cord with your self respect intact. Build on it. 

[IsThisThingOn]

She'll drag you in just to hit you harder. I speak from experience.

Unfortunately, this seemed to be exactly how it worked out in my situation too. Frankly, as much as right now I still find myself wishing she'd snap out of it, get help, and we could make it work... .the other side of it remembers exactly what Rayban said there and I find myself dreading the thought of her contacting me in any way that might break my resolve to stay NC.

Problem lies in the unpredictability of it all. MAYBE she has snapped out of it but her track record unfortunately supports the opposite.

Hey Owen, This seems like a good time to hit the Pause Button.

LuckyJim

That seems Ike sound advise to me. A pause to think it over will ultimately still end in you doing what's best for you. No harm in really making sure you're making the decision that's best for you.

[Owen]

Thanks everybody -- these have all been helpful responses. I haven't replied as of today, nor do I feel the inclination to do so at all anymore at this point.

I do think that what I needed was space, and by not responding, I have it.

Darn if I haven't thought about whether it's the right choice from time to time over the last week though... .

Thanks you all for your feedback and support.

[HelenaHandbasket]

I agree with the others that you should stick to your guns about needing space.  So I think you have two options:

1.) Respond with a short message, something like "I did receive your message, but I need some space right now, so please don't contact me again. If I do receive another message, I won't respond." You could try to word this more gently if you feel the need to do so. The potential benefit of this might be to prevent her continuing to bug you b/c she wants confirmation that you received her initial message.

2.) Simply ignore the message (probably the best option, IMO).