Anyone else see ways you were abused AFTER having children?

[OddOneOut]

Even though I'm turning 40 next month, there are things I didn't realize were abusive until I became a parent. They seem obvious now (ex: locking children in a hot car with the windows up while you shop or socialize, neither bathing them nor teaching them things humans have to learn - like hygiene and then punishing them for not knowing, using a child as a babysitter and servant from the age of 5, the list goes on... .)

These things, although they created big problems for me, were my normal.

Every time I see another aspect of my childhood through a parenting lense, I feel shocked, horrified, and kind of devastated.
Becoming a parent is a huge psychological shock as it is, so I'm sort of going through both simultaneously, and it's tough!
I also feel kind of dumb for not seeing what was so obvious and right in front of me. I knew it was bad, but didn't realize it was THIS bad.

Can anyone else relate? Did you learn to cope?

Feeling sad and lost... .like I'm starting all over again down an unfamiliar path I thought I knew.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome OddOneOut! 

Take a deep breath and know that you are safe with family here who understand. We can relate. Here's a hug for you! 

I'm in my 50's, and even though I was a parent already for many years, it was only in the last 6 years that I have begun to unravel all the abnormality of growing up with an uBPDm. I can so understand what you have said!

Every time I see another aspect of my childhood through a parenting lens, I feel shocked, horrified, and kind of devastated.

For quite some time after I began T, I too struggled with the loss of what I thought I knew, and who I thought I was. It was very shocking to begin to realize that what I thought was normal was not normal at all. I am sorry for the hurt you feel. It is hard.

One of the great things I am hearing through your post is that as a parent, you are doing it differently, and that is what has alerted you to how unhealthy your mom's choices were, and even dangerous to you as a child! Kudos to you for choosing to make a difference now, even through the tough challenges of being a parent. 

I also feel kind of dumb for not seeing what was so obvious and right in front of me. I knew it was bad, but didn't realize it was THIS bad.

Our resident wolf, Turkish, often reminds us that we don't know what we don't know. Or to put it in the past tense, we didn't know what we didn't know. How frustrating when reality hits and the light of learning and healing exposes how bad it was. Please, allow yourself to grieve those losses because it is a big part of the journey to healing and more discovery. Thank goodness that I didn't have to go from point 1 to 100 all in one step. It takes time and lots of kindness and understanding of you. Have you taken a look at our list on the right side of the board? ------->> Healing when a family member has BPD and the lessons and guide. Please click on them one by one and read the expanded information listed there. Where do you think you are on the list? Everyone is on a different step, and they don't necessarily go in order.

Have you read any helpful books so far? How did you learn about BPD?

Take extra care of yourself and I look forward to hearing more from you!
Wools 

[Turkish]

Locking you in a hot car? Dozens of children die from this each year in the USA *grrrrr* (insert swear word)

I had a lot of time to process everything over the last few decades.  

When my mom lived with us for about 4 months last year,  I began to see some things.  My son is ASD1, what they used to call Asperger's. He can get triggered easily. One evening after bringing his sister back from ballet,  he wanted to get ice cream.  I forget why I said no.  He had a full meltdown in the car on the 3 mile drive home.  Screaming. When we got home,  my mom took off into the neighborhood and didn't return for 2 hours. It was lightly raining. When she returned she was soaking wet. She told me later that she had to leave because of his tantrum (he was back to baseline within 20 mins of us getting home).

He didn't have many such tantrums, but my mother started criticizing me passive-aggressively: "the problem with kids today is that their parents aren't hard enough on them." Then I thought,  "how would she handle my son of she were his mother?" Smacking him in the face and verbally berating into a sniveling mess, and into silence and retreat for fear of more smacking.  That was me (I guess it taught me stoicism in the face of adversity).

I do thought experiments sometimes,  thinking in the extreme of Romanian Orphans. How of I acted differently to my kids,  how they would feel and react,  and how vastly different they would be,  even at 5 and 7 now.  Both are very expressive, especially D5. They are very outgoing and active.  How would they be of they had an abusive parent who stifled their personalities and,  dare I say,  crushed their little innocent souls? Make no mistake,  I am firm with them when needed,  and I let them tantrum in their rooms away from me as appropriate, but I can't imagine smacking, berating, or punishing them into submission. I try to see things from their points-of-view which is a hard thing for a pwBPD to do: empathy.

Despite the discipline and the kids getting angry at me,  they still view me as a safe parent.  

It was until I was in my mid 30s until I felt safe enough to break out of my protective shell and fully exert my core personality. Thus,  at 44, when my mom started criticizing me,  it annoyed me,  but I let it slide off my back.  

By even posting this question here and reaching out to others,  OddOneOut, I'd say that you're on a better path than your mother.  

[SpinsC]

Oddoneout, I really do get what you mean. I thought my childhood had been pretty great, actually!

Then, at 40, I had my first and only child. I started seeing the differences right away.

First, was that visit when my son was an infant. I was still on maternity leave! She wanted to sit on the porch, which was fine with me, but son was napping. I moved his bassinet to be right inside the door, so if he whimpered, I'd hear and could attend him. She scoffed. Let him cry! She told me. He's not hurt!

Of course, I didn't listen. I scuttled to him when he started crying. She scoffed at me again, indicating I was being overprotective. He had a wet diaper, which I changed and cuddled him until he fell back asleep. Back into the bassinet he went. She (and my husband, another story there) accused me of being overprotective and spoiling him.

As he grew, I saw so many things that when I did them, I didn't understand why I wanted to cry. Like reading to him. Bathing him. Playing with him (he LOVED itsy-bitsy-spider!). It crushed me to have to go back to work. Even then, I developed a routine where he knew every day he was loved. Not because I said it, but because I was living it out with him.

Only in the past five years have I been able to figure out (lost memories of childhood now returning) that those tender things, those 'spoiling' moments are what I never got. I don't consider them spoiling. I consider them loving. Tender. Necessary and relationship building.

My son is now 9. He and I have a wonderful relationship. Not perfect, there still have been some surprise issues of being an adult child of a uBPD mother, who married a uBPD man. Even still, that relationship is strong between me and my DS9.

It's shocking what we normalized because that was all we knew. Becoming a parent really can force that into your consciousness in ways you would not have been able to guess beforehand. Kudos to you for recognizing that our 'normal' wasn't normal and that we CAN do parenting in a much better, healthier, loving way.

[Fie]

Hello OddOneOut  

I too only discovered about the BPD of my mum after having had a child. Not right away but several years after that. It's actually a relationship with a BPD partner that made me realize it. Before that I just thought my mum was cold and I also attributed a lot of things to myself.

I moved his bassinet to be right inside the door, so if he whimpered, I'd hear and could attend him. She scoffed. Let him cry! She told me. He's not hurt! Of course, I didn't listen. I scuttled to him when he started crying. She scoffed at me again, indicating I was being overprotective. He had a wet diaper, which I changed and cuddled him until he fell back asleep. Back into the bassinet he went. She (and my husband, another story there) accused me of being overprotective and spoiling him.

I relate to this as well.

[Notwendy]

Yes, being a mother is a wake up call. Knowing how I feel about my children, I can not imagine doing and saying the kind of things my mother did to me.

As children, it is amazing what we accept as "normal" when we don't know what normal is. Also my mother convinced me I deserved it because I was such a terrible child. No child is perfect, but I didn't do anything terrible and I surely did not deserve that.

Once I became a mother I realized that the way my mother treated or treats me is unacceptable and I won't put up with it.

My mother always passed off the issues between us as a typical teen "mother-daughter" thing. Now that I have raised my own teens I can see that even though they are hormonal,  irritable,  and mouthy at times what went on with my mother is not a typical teen issue at all.

She recently left a hideous message on my machine that was just horrible. I played it for my husband. He said never in a million years would he say something like that to our  children. (neither would I) Yet, we kids heard this all the time.