Struggling with accepting my ex partner may have had BPD traits

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all:

I will try to make this post as short as possible. Here is the back story:

I met my ex partner 4 years ago. It was a whirlwind romance. He called all of the time (multiple times per day), texted frequently, asked me to elope within a month of dating, would talk about buying a home together, would tell others when we would go out about how special I was and how lucky he was, and so on. He in advertently pressured me to move in together after a couple of months, he was living with his parents at the time. We ended up renting a house together and he indirectly refused to move all of his belongings, which was odd to me. But he stayed at the house.

Things weren't great when we moved in together. There was a lot of fighting, him saying one thing and doing another and his disappearing for hours to go out to the bar. He was in nursing school and had a lot of female friends, which wasn't an issue with me when he was honest. However, I found out there was a woman behind my back he was talking to. He would leave his phone accidentally at his parents home or forget his charger (even though we were technically living together) and  I found out it was because they had been talking more then he led on. HE would delete her messages or not access his phone near me to avoid me seeing. He told me on several occasions he had blocked her number and ended things. I reached out to her, and she said he was actually the one constantly reaching out to her, and that he made it clear he wasn't seeing anyone. She said he would make plans with her and then cancel them the same day. After letting him know I knew, he promised to end things. He would never let me walk away easily, and would beg me to stay. Once I had made my mind up to leave after he bought a car behind my back he left me this long drawn out voice mail about how sorry he was and how much he loved me. I loved him so it was hard to throw it all away and I blamed myself for parts of it. We decided to move forward. We went on a trip with my son and I still remember the sincerity in his voice when we were driving and he looked at me and said I'm sorry for lying about her. She meant nothing-i really do love you.

Anyway, a few months later after much of the same fighting and crying, he abruptly ended things. Our relationship hadn't improved but we had been going back and forth for so long that I never thought he would leave like he did. We had just looked at a home to buy the week before, and he had told me he had applied at jobs near the house. I thought those statements meant we were going to work on us. He started dating a co worker a week later.

It completely destroyed me. I was drinking everyday, not eating and not existing. I started seeing a therapist who mentioned him having BPD and a lot of the pieces seemed to fit. He reached out a year after the breakup apologizing and saying things didn't work out with her. I found out from her (she reached out to me) that he had started seeing her while he was seeing me. They fought constantly as well because of his lies. Anyway, he asked me to meet him for coffee. He told me he missed all that I did for him and took me for granted. We spoke everyday with him calling and making plans for about a week and them he immediately backed off stating he wasn't ready for a relashinship. He wanted me to wait while he figured things out which I could not do, so we stopped talking. He reached out a few months later and we actually started dating. He was again calling all of the time, texting all of the time, leaving me notes and staying over. There was an issue again with one of his coworkers and being inappropriate, and he promised to cut off contact. I believed him. She texted him one night really late which blew up into a huge fight. And he said he unblocked her during an argument because he thought I was leaving him, probably a lie. Again things would be good and then something like that would happen causing an argument. I found out he had been going out drinking and partying, and lying to me stating he was home in bed. I found messages from him to other woman he met at bars stating he had fun and wanted more or that it was nice meeting them. He swore that nothing happened and it was him being drunk and stupid. It was hard because I didn't know the extent of what happened with these woman, but I knew I loved him. I felt a lot of it was him needing attention (I know he struggled with self esteem) or alcohol. We decided to move forward and he promised to be honest.

Things had gone well for a couple of weeks, and his mom invited me over while he was working to surprise him. The plan was for me to be there when he got home from work. I went over and waited. He called when he was off work telling me he was exhausted and going home to bed and that he loved me. We said goodbye. He texted me a bit later telling me he was home in bed, not realizing I was at his house. He then called a friend of his who was also at the house telling him he was at the bar and he should meet him. I texted him and said that I was at his house waiting to see him. He came barreling in 10 minutes later denying being at the bar. Yelling at me in front of my son and slamming doors. He asked me to leave and said I was not welcome. After that, I didn't hear from him for several months. We started hanging out again, and again it was the same. He wanted to be friends, but didn't want me seeing anyone else. He would text every morning and every evening and all throughout the day. He made plans with me for easter, would invite me to dinner with his family but refused to commit. During this time he never said he loved me. He would make plans with me and cancel last minute, but would never cut off contact with me. Several times he would  cancel plans and I'd go to his house to end things and he'd ask me to stay or to go to dinner.  We were sleeping together and I ended up pregnant. He wanted me to have an abortion, which I refused. The next day he asked if we could talk. We ended up having a heart to heart and he told me he loved me but was scared because of our past. He said he wanted to try again. I agreed. I brought my son over that evening at his request and we cooked and played. We spent the night. He then invited me over the next two nights but had to work the next 3 days so we decided to not make any plans. I was bleeding a lot, went to the doctor and ended up losing the baby. I texted him and told him I would call when I got home because my son was around, and he freaked out because I didn't call him the second I left the doctor.

The next day I asked him if he wanted to have dinner, and he couldn't commit. I tried to explain that I knew he was busy with studying but it was just dinner and that I missed him. He said if you need an answer then its no. I went by his house to try and talk to him because it has worked in the past and he slammed the door in my face and told me he was done. When I left he texted and said we should talk later. We went back and forth for a couple of days and then he cut me off. I haven't heard from him since. I had been having terrible dreams about him and decided to reach out two months later and apologize for any way I caused the relationship to fail via email. His emails are directed to go in a separate folder, so I didn't see if he responded. I just wanted to let him know that he deserved to be happy and that I was sorry. But the next day I ran into him, and I turned the other way and left. He texted and asked if I was stalking him. We went back and forth with me asking how he was, him not being concerned with me at all. I finally tried to get closure by asking why he treated me the way he did and if I ever mattered to him, to which he replied vaguely the fighting was to much and obviously he cared but he wasn't happy with himself. I asked him if we could remain friends and he said it was not a good idea.  He was very rude and standoffish to me and I told him I was just trying to be kind to him. He said that I shouldn't be and I ended up blocking his number.

In addition to all of this I am also the third single mother he has dated. He was sexually molested as a young boy by a family friend, I was the only person he told this to. Out of everyone, he was the most vulnerable with me which I think is hard for him. I know he struggled with steroid use during our relationship. He also drinks excessively. I feel broken and lost knowing this. I know he is hurting but he is fairly successful in his career and its contradicting. He lives at home with his mom and is almost 30, and refuses to help her with any bills. When we would go out, his patients we ran into would tell me how lucky I was because he was so kind and charismatic. I always felt like to everyone else I am more then enough, but to him I will never measure up. 

He has never been diagnosed and I am struggling to move on. I am questioning my actions in the relationship. I know I had trust issues with him, I know I made empty threats and I know I didn't respect his boundaries if he said no because I was scared to be hurt again, but I never once did something that made him question my love or loyalty to him.

My question is does this behavior sound indicative of BPD? How can someone say they love you, and throw you away the next day? I don't understand how if he loved me and thought I was the one and he kept coming back to me for four years, how I can be in front of him as a friend and he can not even be kind. Why is this so difficult for me to accept. I feel like I am the one with issues and he is the reasonable one for not wanting to maintain contact or to be in touch. IT seems like it easy for him to not have me in his life. Sorry in advance for the length-any input is appreciated.

[Bnicole]

Hi all:

I will try to make this post as short as possible. Here is the back story:

I met my ex partner 4 years ago. It was a whirlwind romance. He called all of the time (multiple times per day), texted frequently, asked me to elope within a month of dating, would talk about buying a home together, would tell others when we would go out about how special I was and how lucky he was, and so on. He in advertently pressured me to move in together after a couple of months, he was living with his parents at the time. We ended up renting a house together and he indirectly refused to move all of his belongings, which was odd to me. But he stayed at the house.

Things weren't great when we moved in together. There was a lot of fighting, him saying one thing and doing another and his disappearing for hours to go out to the bar. He was in nursing school and had a lot of female friends, which wasn't an issue with me when he was honest. However, I found out there was a woman behind my back he was talking to. He would leave his phone accidentally at his parents home or forget his charger (even though we were technically living together) and  I found out it was because they had been talking more then he led on. HE would delete her messages or not access his phone near me to avoid me seeing. He told me on several occasions he had blocked her number and ended things. I reached out to her, and she said he was actually the one constantly reaching out to her, and that he made it clear he wasn't seeing anyone. She said he would make plans with her and then cancel them the same day. After letting him know I knew, he promised to end things. He would never let me walk away easily, and would beg me to stay. Once I had made my mind up to leave after he bought a car behind my back he left me this long drawn out voice mail about how sorry he was and how much he loved me. I loved him so it was hard to throw it all away and I blamed myself for parts of it. We decided to move forward. We went on a trip with my son and I still remember the sincerity in his voice when we were driving and he looked at me and said I'm sorry for lying about her. She meant nothing-i really do love you.

Anyway, a few months later after much of the same fighting and crying, he abruptly ended things. Our relationship hadn't improved but we had been going back and forth for so long that I never thought he would leave like he did. We had just looked at a home to buy the week before, and he had told me he had applied at jobs near the house. I thought those statements meant we were going to work on us. He started dating a co worker a week later.

It completely destroyed me. I was drinking everyday, not eating and not existing. I started seeing a therapist who mentioned him having BPD and a lot of the pieces seemed to fit. He reached out a year after the breakup apologizing and saying things didn't work out with her. I found out from her (she reached out to me) that he had started seeing her while he was seeing me. They fought constantly as well because of his lies. Anyway, he asked me to meet him for coffee. He told me he missed all that I did for him and took me for granted. We spoke everyday with him calling and making plans for about a week and them he immediately backed off stating he wasn't ready for a relashinship. He wanted me to wait while he figured things out which I could not do, so we stopped talking. He reached out a few months later and we actually started dating. He was again calling all of the time, texting all of the time, leaving me notes and staying over. There was an issue again with one of his coworkers and being inappropriate, and he promised to cut off contact. I believed him. She texted him one night really late which blew up into a huge fight. And he said he unblocked her during an argument because he thought I was leaving him, probably a lie. Again things would be good and then something like that would happen causing an argument. I found out he had been going out drinking and partying, and lying to me stating he was home in bed. I found messages from him to other woman he met at bars stating he had fun and wanted more or that it was nice meeting them. He swore that nothing happened and it was him being drunk and stupid. It was hard because I didn't know the extent of what happened with these woman, but I knew I loved him. I felt a lot of it was him needing attention (I know he struggled with self esteem) or alcohol. We decided to move forward and he promised to be honest.

Things had gone well for a couple of weeks, and his mom invited me over while he was working to surprise him. The plan was for me to be there when he got home from work. I went over and waited. He called when he was off work telling me he was exhausted and going home to bed and that he loved me. We said goodbye. He texted me a bit later telling me he was home in bed, not realizing I was at his house. He then called a friend of his who was also at the house telling him he was at the bar and he should meet him. I texted him and said that I was at his house waiting to see him. He came barreling in 10 minutes later denying being at the bar. Yelling at me in front of my son and slamming doors. He asked me to leave and said I was not welcome. After that, I didn't hear from him for several months. We started hanging out again, and again it was the same. He wanted to be friends, but didn't want me seeing anyone else. He would text every morning and every evening and all throughout the day. He made plans with me for easter, would invite me to dinner with his family but refused to commit. During this time he never said he loved me. He would make plans with me and cancel last minute, but would never cut off contact with me. Several times he would  cancel plans and I'd go to his house to end things and he'd ask me to stay or to go to dinner.  We were sleeping together and I ended up pregnant. He wanted me to have an abortion, which I refused. The next day he asked if we could talk. We ended up having a heart to heart and he told me he loved me but was scared because of our past. He said he wanted to try again. I agreed. I brought my son over that evening at his request and we cooked and played. We spent the night. He then invited me over the next two nights but had to work the next 3 days so we decided to not make any plans. I was bleeding a lot, went to the doctor and ended up losing the baby. I texted him and told him I would call when I got home because my son was around, and he freaked out because I didn't call him the second I left the doctor.

The next day I asked him if he wanted to have dinner, and he couldn't commit. I tried to explain that I knew he was busy with studying but it was just dinner and that I missed him. He said if you need an answer then its no. I went by his house to try and talk to him because it has worked in the past and he slammed the door in my face and told me he was done. When I left he texted and said we should talk later. We went back and forth for a couple of days and then he cut me off. I haven't heard from him since. I had been having terrible dreams about him and decided to reach out two months later and apologize for any way I caused the relationship to fail via email. His emails are directed to go in a separate folder, so I didn't see if he responded. I just wanted to let him know that he deserved to be happy and that I was sorry. But the next day I ran into him, and I turned the other way and left. He texted and asked if I was stalking him. We went back and forth with me asking how he was, him not being concerned with me at all. I finally tried to get closure by asking why he treated me the way he did and if I ever mattered to him, to which he replied vaguely the fighting was to much and obviously he cared but he wasn't happy with himself. I asked him if we could remain friends and he said it was not a good idea.  He was very rude and standoffish to me and I told him I was just trying to be kind to him. He said that I shouldn't be and I ended up blocking his number.

In addition to all of this I am also the third single mother he has dated. He was sexually molested as a young boy by a family friend, I was the only person he told this to. Out of everyone, he was the most vulnerable with me which I think is hard for him. I know he struggled with steroid use during our relationship. He also drinks excessively. I feel broken and lost knowing this. I know he is hurting but he is fairly successful in his career and its contradicting. He lives at home with his mom and is almost 30, and refuses to help her with any bills. When we would go out, his patients we ran into would tell me how lucky I was because he was so kind and charismatic. I always felt like to everyone else I am more then enough, but to him I will never measure up. 

He has never been diagnosed and I am struggling to move on. I am questioning my actions in the relationship. I know I had trust issues with him, I know I made empty threats and I know I didn't respect his boundaries if he said no because I was scared to be hurt again, but I never once did something that made him question my love or loyalty to him.

My question is does this behavior sound indicative of BPD? How can someone say they love you, and throw you away the next day? I don't understand how if he loved me and thought I was the one and he kept coming back to me for four years, how I can be in front of him as a friend and he can not even be kind. Why is this so difficult for me to accept. I feel like I am the one with issues and he is the reasonable one for not wanting to maintain contact or to be in touch. IT seems like it easy for him to not have me in his life. Sorry in advance for the length-any input is appreciated.

[roberto516]

My question is does this behavior sound indicative of BPD? How can someone say they love you, and throw you away the next day? I don't understand how if he loved me and thought I was the one and he kept coming back to me for four years, how I can be in front of him as a friend and he can not even be kind. Why is this so difficult for me to accept. I feel like I am the one with issues and he is the reasonable one for not wanting to maintain contact or to be in touch. IT seems like it easy for him to not have me in his life. Sorry in advance for the length-any input is appreciated.

Welcome Bnicole,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That constant push/pull and your patience with trying to make it work is very admirable. Even being willing to try a year after and months after is not something to be ashamed of. We aren't doctors here (that I know of) but the push/pull traits, childhood abuse, difficulty committing and a host of other things suggests to me at least some traits. But I'm no expert.

What you are feeling is completely normal. Wondering if you are the crazy one. Wondering how someone who said they loved you so much could just turn off their feelings like a light switch. It's bewildering and so utterly painful. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. All of us have struggled and are struggling with the same questions.

Keep sharing here, keep reading the articles and educational pieces that are presented here. It will all begin to make sense on your path to healing.

The real killer is, as you said, you didn't do anything to make him question your love or loyalty. But for someone with possible traits, any sleight or perceived sleight is enough to have them feel possible abandonment or that we didn't love them. It's a game that is almost impossible to win pending near superhuman capabilities combined with a partner who really really wants to work on the relationship and play an active role in making it work.

It takes a lot of courage also to apologize for any wrong doing you feel you have done. Reading your post I see someone who is much stronger than you might give yourself credit for.