Confession time: I don't want to let her go

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I began reading "how to break your addiction to a person". It's interesting but I'm reading all these stories of how people realized their partner wasn't good for them or vice versa.

And as I'm reading I'm finding myself resistant. Reading the excerpts thinking "well they didnt communicate" "they gave up too easily" "why didn't they try cpuples therapy" etc.

I know the resistance is because I don't want to let her go. She was the first person I envisioned a future with. The first relationship I actively tried and made changes based off past bad relationships.

The reality is outside of a 1 month recycle this has been over for 6 months. And I hate that I have to accept that we are over. That she will become a distant memory to me. That she will find someone else to share her life with. That i will have to be constantly reminded of her whenever her employer location is mentioned at work. All of it. I don't know. Just venting.

I feel like an addict who is struggling with the belief they will never be able to drink again. The solution to that is "1 day at a time". I don't know. I think I finally am grieving the finality of this. That she has moved on and her love has died and she has logically realized we aren't good for each other.

I just hate that she wasnt able to at least really really try. At least try to stick with couples therapy. At least try to work on some changes that we both thought would improve the relationship. And if nothing changed then so be it. At least we would have both tried. I hate the black and white thinking she had and how she just wrote us off because i asked us to both work on it. I hate that my depression over losing my grandpop drove a wedge between us.

I hate that all she asked for was time and I kept pushing and badgering and drove her away with my incessantness.

But she didn't want to. Those words in the email will always haunt me from her "you're right. I could have tried harder. But I didn't want to. I don't want a relationship."

Just venting. Thanks for reading.

[roberto516]

So I began reading "how to break your addiction to a person". It's interesting but I'm reading all these stories of how people realized their partner wasn't good for them or vice versa.

And as I'm reading I'm finding myself resistant. Reading the excerpts thinking "well they didnt communicate" "they gave up too easily" "why didn't they try cpuples therapy" etc.

I know the resistance is because I don't want to let her go. She was the first person I envisioned a future with. The first relationship I actively tried and made changes based off past bad relationships.

The reality is outside of a 1 month recycle this has been over for 6 months. And I hate that I have to accept that we are over. That she will become a distant memory to me. That she will find someone else to share her life with. That i will have to be constantly reminded of her whenever her employer location is mentioned at work. All of it. I don't know. Just venting.

I feel like an addict who is struggling with the belief they will never be able to drink again. The solution to that is "1 day at a time". I don't know. I think I finally am grieving the finality of this. That she has moved on and her love has died and she has logically realized we aren't good for each other.

I just hate that she wasnt able to at least really really try. At least try to stick with couples therapy. At least try to work on some changes that we both thought would improve the relationship. And if nothing changed then so be it. At least we would have both tried. I hate the black and white thinking she had and how she just wrote us off because i asked us to both work on it. I hate that my depression over losing my grandpop drove a wedge between us.

I hate that all she asked for was time and I kept pushing and badgering and drove her away with my incessantness.

But she didn't want to. Those words in the email will always haunt me from her "you're right. I could have tried harder. But I didn't want to. I don't want a relationship."

Just venting. Thanks for reading.

[Emotions]

Don't be too hard on yourself or on her... .I think that over time there in nothing either of you could have done... .I believe the devaluation phase is inevitable in a BPD relationship... .so you could have stayed with her while she slowly bleeds your soul and energy away until you become a zombie, or you can gain strength, compassion and love for whatever people come into your life from now on... .which sounds better?  strength be with you tonight brother... .

[Emotions]

BTW don't forget mine after 7.5 years being with me, knew mr wonderful for a month, a month and a half at most, told me to stop texting her and calling her because she doesn't want anything to get in the way of them and she loves this guy a lot... .the a lot part is what is curious to me... .a month and loves him a lot. She can be as fickle as a feather in the wind... .I will be like the roots of a redwood tree... .loyal, sturdy, and steady... .keep training to be the best Roberto you can be, and in time she will barely be a memory... .I keep trying to convince myself the same in my relationship anyway... .I miss the idea of her terribly, I'm not sure if I miss the reality however... .sometimes I do sometimes I don't... .anyway stay strong

[vaztek2003]

I too find myself at this same juncture. Though mine basically never reached out after sending me a love song reply to me just asking to talk with her in whats going to be 2 months. Yesterday I had the misfortune of ending up next to her at a red light after work and while I wanted to look at her soo badly I just ascted as if I didnt notice her and just continued listening to music in a light that seemed like an eternity and sped off as soon as it turned green. That same morning I had the usual dream of us talking and working things out... .I dind myself yearning for contact but then I remember its a 2 way street.She left me with so many questions after breaking up with me and I thought I treated her greatly enough to at least merit closure which we always talked about. Got nothing but the same treatment the exes who treated her like dirt got(after many recycles). I trying my hardest to continue forward but its not easy some days. I find myself wishing she would have just told me to leave her alone or that she had found someone... .wven if a woman as she said she believed she was interested in women... .the reason for the breakup I guess. Still fighting to let go after such horrible treatment from a woman who once wanted a future with me

[Rayban]

Roberto

What's changed?  She's getting attention at her new job.  Every thing seems perfect in her life.  I assure you it isn't.  While she's beaming on the outside, their is a family member, a current primary attachment, an ex, a childhood friend  ... .somone is suffering because of her, and she's suffering because of that.

You keep going back, and she'll make you feel unworthy to be with her. That's not you.  She's already down playing the relationship , and you're willing to try harder. It will never be enough.  

You've been devalued. She'll take you back just because she can. You've been in and out of her life.  What are the chances that she filled that time with someone else?

[Zemmma]

I am in the exact same position Roberto. Of course I don't want to move on! I never wanted this break-up. My final note to him was a lengthy video of me talking with some smiles, lots of tears and no blame... .Video because he can maybe, maybe take visual and voice cues to know I am not evil. That I am hurt.

And on there I just told him that if he is leaving he must let me go. I said I don't want it, but he doesn't want me so I am not hanging around for any more punishment. 

He was willing to sleep with me and spend alone time "for a while" (until he finds someone else?) but told me he didn't want a relationship and won't ever do that with me again. He said we tried every way and it doesn't work. He said this relationship is not what he needs. I told him I can't have casual sex with someone I am in love with.

I told him to not contact me again and told him I can't be friends with him either. I closed the door tightly. I wonder if he is hurt by this, but think maybe the feeling he has is relief. He's been trying to leave me since 2012 in various ways. He just didn't have the resolve. Now I have no option left but to really move on. I am fighting against what I really want too Roberto, but I feel I've tried everything. I don't want to go through this for another 5 years only to land in the same spot (dumped). Although I love him and I am drawn to him. I have to go. I can't do this anymore, as much as I want to. There has been no contact since the video- six days ago.

[roberto516]

Roberto

What's changed?  She's getting attention at her new job.  Every thing seems perfect in her life.  I assure you it isn't.  While she's beaming on the outside, their is a family member, a current primary attachment, an ex, a childhood friend  ... .somone is suffering because of her, and she's suffering because of that.

You keep going back, and she'll make you feel unworthy to be with her. That's not you.  She's already down playing the relationship , and you're willing to try harder. It will never be enough.  

You've been devalued. She'll take you back just because she can. You've been in and out of her life.  What are the chances that she filled that time with someone else?

Thanks Rayban, thank you everyone for your comments and posts. I appreciate it. I think it's just the mental wear and tear of coming to work and not being able to get away from it either.

Logically, it's stupid. She obviously has moved on and doesn't value the relationship in anyway. The only times she has reached out to me were not in reply to what I would try and talk to her about. It was always because she needed something. Then she'd hang out these fruits from the tree saying "Well what if I want to try again?" "You don't know if my feelings might change"

It's tough to wrap my head around. I know I"m completely painted black from my irate messages a few weeks ago. So there's no turning back. I just don't understand why she would have still been reading my emails anyway?

And yeah, a part of me just doesn't want to accept that I entered into a relationship with someone who never felt the same about it as me. I was willing and committed to going through the tough times and find a way to compromise/communicate better. It just wasn't something she wanted to do. I have to finally admit that I was a rebound relationship for her. Something to take the pain away from her old relationship. And now it looks like she has finally gained insight into her relationship patterns so now the next person will probably get a healthier her who is committed to working on the good, bad, and ugly of a relationship.

It's something I need to finally just accept.

[happendtome]

It happens Roberto, it happens. We all have experienced this here and im sure there are lots of people outside this board who have also felt like this. In fact, it could be that almost everyone in this world have experienced or will experience this situation (or similar) once in a lifetime.
Now, our duty is to learn from it and step out from this Disneyland and move on. Stay strong and focused, you dont need her to be happy!

I started to heal only when i went NC/LC. Every time she wrote to me i did reply, but i was very business like. It wasnt easy, i wanted to write paragraphs, but i didnt do it. I didnt want to lose ALL my dignity.

Now, i dont feel so much pain anymore. It hurts still, but i see there are lots of other things to enjoy. I dont need her to be happy. I have also discovered that it wasnt love from my part, even though i said this to myself always. No, it was obsession. It was some sick mental form when i thought how perfect she is. I see lots of people here feeling same, they only talk about love of their lifetime, but it sounds very clingy and desperate. No one doesnt want to hear this crap in real world, believe me.  One of my friends started to ignore me when i tried to explain.

This board is good, it gives lots of help, but eventually we need to start help ourselves itself. No one else wont do it for us.

I understand if you want to have sex with her, but in this case you have to show that you dont care. Because you have been already too clingy (i was too) the chance she would like to try with you is quite small. Im sure even you dont want to go to bed with someone who is extra clingy. So, it takes time (sometimes years). Dont talk anything about your personal life to her and there is some small chance that she would want to have sex with you again. But i hope you are already by then so much healed that you are not attracted to her anymore.

[Mutt]

Hi roberto516,

I suggest that you write this down and then write the opposite and take a look at your thoughts and challenge them. For example.

And as I'm reading I'm finding myself resistant. Reading the excerpts thinking "well they didnt communicate" "they gave up too easily" "why didn't they try cpuples therapy" etc.

I think that this is a generalization, everyone's situation is different, couple's counselings isn't designed in a way that it can support a non with a pwBPD, it's designed for non's in mind. How many members kept trying to no avail? When do you give up? You tried roberto516, that's all that you can do.

I know the resistance is because I don't want to let her go. She was the first person I envisioned a future with. The first relationship I actively tried and made changes based off past bad relationships.

As a society we're engrained with the idea that we're not happy unless we pair off with someone and that there's only one person out there that we're truly compatible with - "the one". That's a myth, in reality we're compatible with many people, there are other people out there that are compatible with you that you can have a future with.

[roberto516]

Hi roberto516,

I suggest that you write this down and then write the opposite and take a look at your thoughts and challenge them. For example.

I think that this is a generalization, everyone's situation is different, couple's counselings isn't designed in a way that it can support a non with a pwBPD, it's designed for non's in mind. How many members kept trying to no avail? When do you give up? You tried roberto516, that's all that you can do.
 

As a society we're engrained with the idea that we're not happy unless we pair off with someone and that there's only one person out there that we're truly compatible with - "the one". That's a myth, in reality we're compatible with many people, there are other people out there that are compatible with you that you can have a future with.

Wise mutt speaks again. In all honesty, I know I"m going to enjoy this alone and single time a lot eventually. In between relationships with people with BPD traits I didn't want to be with anyone. Even this recent ex I really had to convince myself to get into the relationship. I saw the red flags of idealization and being a rebound from her ex but I wanted to have faith in her. Lesson learned.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

I feel for you and can relate more than I care to admit.  This is the part that hit me in the gut the most:  

She was the first person I envisioned a future with.

I was exactly the same.  I could actually see us together in the future and I hadn't had that with anybody else ever.  We are sold this idea which is part of the fantasy that is constructed though.  Unfortunately for us, we're the right candidates to be sold that as at heart we're softies who crave that permanent connection with somebody.  So that for me was the hardest part of the fantasy to detach from.  I think it was happenedtome who mentions Disney and I literally see castles in the sky when I think about this, even now.  My logical mind is reminding me that it was an idea of what could be and not a reality.  The sad likelihood is that our ex's unless undergoing years of therapy and medication will probably never achieve that ideal fantasy ending.  We however, can.  Just with someone else, in a healthier relationship.  I know many of us fear never finding the same passion, sex life, intense loving feelings and you know what I've come to realise?  WE can bring it.  If someone is right for us they will be onboard and match us in all of those respects.  There's hope for us yet.

Keep on trucking!  You're doing amazingly.

Love and light x

[StayStrongNow]

Roberto, thank you for venting. I can really relate. Keep venting, it may seem ironic but this is your gateway for healing and detachment.

I had that flame of passionate caring for my uxBPDw and I attempted recycling on my end only to be continued to be devalued and replaced. It is so good to read your post and of others here to understand the passion and hurt you feel. It reminds me perfectly well of where I was for far too long.

Now that roaring flame is merely a flickering candle that is just about to go out but flickers ever so small alive again from time to time. I know this shrinking flickering candle will soon go out and that last puff of smoke will signify the end of that emotional attachment that I have held onto her will be gone. I will be complete free of this pwBPD to move on with my life with an extraordinary gain of wisdom gained through this journey.

[once removed]

hey roberto516,

this does sound like grief hitting. this may be one of the hardest parts.

the very idea of letting go tortured me. i found i didnt want to grieve, i wanted to hang on. when i did there was a lot of crying. at the same time, a sense of resolve began to build.

slowly but surely, the nature of grief transformed me/my feelings.

what i can tell you is that peace awaits you on the other side. the depression and rumination will evaporate. thoughts of her will no longer effect your state of well being.

attachment leads to suffering. detachment leads to freedom. hang in there.

[roberto516]

Thanks everyone. Honestly. It feels good to know other people are relating and to hear from others who have felt this way and are now in a much better spot. It's comforting. I can't express in any real words how much this helps me every single day. i think it's finally time to fully let the grieving begin and finally move on with my life. It's the only choice and the only choice that will have me finally feeling better in life.