Need support from people who understand

[Tosquinha]

I'm sure I have previous posts you all can read if you need an idea of what's gone on in my life with my now ex-uBPDw.  We've been apart 8 months and I moved from the home 6 months ago tomorrow.  We've been divorced since early May.

She always seems to show up somehow just shy of one month NC.  I had a medical scare about a month ago in which she tried to come back into my life, but I got her back out and no contact since then... .until she showed up on my doorstep yesterday.

It's always under the guise that she wants to discuss bills we owe together, but it always turns into a pissing match.  She really cannot seem to understand that she caused these issues between us, and insists we are over because I shoved her.  If you read my past posts, you will see I shoved her off of me when she doubled her fist and swung at me.  The next day she smacked the crap out of me in front of her kids and mine, and we left for a shelter after that.

My home is my safe spot.  I have no memories of her here, but she just shows up.  I did not tell her where I moved to.  Her son saw me one day and told her where I lived.  Each time she tells me she won't come back and three or four times now she's shown up.

I have not texted her, called her, visited her, I've made no attempt at contact.  I've blocked her from being able to call or text.  But she shows up here to tell me she doesn't want me.  I mean, seriously?  What makes her think these things?  I don't want HER and I've taken the steps to move on with my life.

But everytime she shows up, it sets me back. 

She spent our entire relationship going back and forth between her ex and I.  Her ex didn't want her either, but Would never tell her to knock it off.  Like she liked it.   The ex was always a thorn in my side.

The day of our divorce hearing, she brought that stupid ex to court WITH her.  Talk about a mind f@%k.   

Just so tired of all of this.  Whether I talk to her or not, the fact that she just appears out of no where really bothers me. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tosquinha, You might want to read about Setting Boundaries, which you can find under "Tools" (above).  I suspect she will continue to show up until you establish your boundaries.  LJ

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Tosquinha,

I'm not sure where in the world you are but I spoke to my domestic abuse support worker today and she is happy to help me get an order in place if my ex's behaviour starts to become a pattern that is breaking my NC request and upsetting to me.  I've set my boundary and will not budge on it.  He has been appearing in the area recently which makes me think he has moved back to somewhere nearby.  I'm alright with that as long as he isn't coming anywhere near my home or approaching me directly.  He has made two attempts to speak to me in person.  I did not engage with him.  She has asked me to document any activity that becomes an issue, (such as him being somewhere he has no reason to be, or somewhere I go on a regular basis at set times so that it's more than a coincidence/trying again to talk to me as I've been clear this is not what I want), and notify her if I have concerns and want to proceed.  I'm sharing this with you because, whilst this may not be the route you'd wish to go down, it is an option that is available as a last resort.  

Love and light x

[Hopeful_Me]

One option is to not open the door to unwanted visitors. And if she doesn't leave, call the police. That's a solution.

[Mutt]

‎
She really cannot seem to understand that she caused these issues between us, and insists we are over because I shoved her.

It looks like she's projection, when a pwBPD feel anxiety and stress they'll projection their feelings on someone else. My guess is that she's not taking the divorce well internally, BPD is also an attachment disorder where the person doesn't truly detach. I'd like to echo the members that posted before me, I'd call the cops. You don't set the boundary on someone else, you set it on yourself, if she does X I respond with Y, so if she shows up on your stoop, call the cops eventually she'll understand what will transpire if she shows up. Good luck.‎

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

[Tosquinha]

After her showing up multiple times, I finally did call the police.  The last time she came here (July 11th), she acted like she had every right to be here and would not leave.  She DID leave, but the police came, took a report, and filed trespassing charges on her.  Court is in a little over a week for her.  I'll be surprised if it sticks, but she's not been back here since.

[Harley Quinn]

Good on you for taking steps to protect your peace.  It is hard to do these things when it is someone we have loved so intensely that we've coped with serious dysfunction.  If it were a total stranger we'd be straight on the phone!  I have to say that to myself if I ever doubt my ability to follow through with an order.  Luckily so far there has been no need but my intention is to do this should that change.  I hope this sends the message to her that you really wish to be left alone and move on in your life.  Another positive is that there is a record now so if there is any further unwanted behaviour you can have things escalate.

Love and light x