Dil with BPD, estranged from son? Please respond

[Depression = 72% of members]

There needs to be a group/board for estranged parents of BPD offspring, especially for those with dil with BPD. I have found no one on the web in a similar situation. It's now over two years since we had them over for my dd's birthday, and I've never seen him or heard his voice again.  We all had a fine relationship with him before they began dating five years ago. I see a lot info. to explain what has happened to people with BPD, but what about these son's who give up their families and friends for "her"? He also became what he had not been and whatever she said: Mean. Delusional.

[whiplashed_mom]

There needs to be a group/board for estranged parents of BPD offspring, especially for those with dil with BPD. I have found no one on the web in a similar situation. It's now over two years since we had them over for my dd's birthday, and I've never seen him or heard his voice again.  We all had a fine relationship with him before they began dating five years ago. I see a lot info. to explain what has happened to people with BPD, but what about these son's who give up their families and friends for "her"? He also became what he had not been and whatever she said: Mean. Delusional.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Whiplashed_mom:   
I'm very sorry to hear about your DIL and estrangement from your son.  Were there some  arguments  before they broke contact, or could your DIL have felt unvalidated in some way(s)?  Did something happen at the birthday gathering?  It's important with someone with BPD to NOT INVALIDATE. 

Have you made attempts to communicate with your son, during this 2-year period?

Others here have situations very much like yours.  It seems like the DIL's brainwash the sons.  Quite often, the sons lean towards being codependent.  Do you think your son has codependent tendencies? 

The harsh reality is that you have to avoid having an opinion that differs from any of their's.  Definitely never argue about anything.  Don't say anything negative to your son about your DIL.  Be very cautious of Facebook.  If you can't compliment something, just remain silent.  Don't ever have something different to say about anything.  It's an unnatural situation, but

This lesson on AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS (Don't JADE (Justify, Argue Defend or Explain) could be helpful.

There are others, with similar situations to yours, who have posted on the "Coping & Healing Board".  There were a few threads a couple of months ago.

[whiplashed_mom]

I reread your post after posting this, and just want to say thank you for your help. You don't need to read or respond to what follows. I got started on trying to answer your few questions and went overboard. I'll check out those past threads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahh, too late. I was very careful when  she was around, knowing that something was wrong and figuring it was BPD long they got engaged. But, I did challenge her at least once by telling her that I was afraid I would offend her by accidentally interrupting since she wouldn't allow my son to even *accidentally* interrupt (and immediately apologize, without a real scolding --in our house!) She later referred to this in the letters that I was interfering in their marriage.

They refused communication with us from that first phone call on and told everyone they knew not talk to us, including her parents. All obeyed them!, even though some had been mutual acquaintances and young friends. Her extended family blocked me on Facebook. Both of their Facebook accounts became inactive, except she gets online sometimes when she feels like it, very occasionally. Not long enough for any of us to block her, though we are blocked. Ha. She, posing as him, wrote us letters to tell how evil we had been and the last one was so bizarre, speaking of curses that she knows we have put on them and how we want to take their baby, whom they never told us was born or his name. Neither had anyone else that knew us, told us, but we did hear it through the grapevine.  She said that there will be no communication with any of his family; his 85 y.o. gramma, his aunts and uncles and 13 cousins, because I have poisoned my family against them. They had heard nothing.

She and I had some tensions all revolving around her trying to control us and keep us away from him. There are many comments she made that imply she was planning to get him away from us 9 months before she did, while she was still acting like everything was fine. They came to Thanksgiving, and had us over for dessert at Christmastime.(--the first time his sisters were ever allowed in his home that he'd had since a year before they married, and only the second time for us, parents.)

It appears she was just waiting for us to slip up in some way that she could turn my son against us, too.  She was way past being rational. She told others she hated having to go to our house for dinner. But my son pleaded with us to have them over more often, implying she was complaining that we didn't have them over enough. We actually all disliked having her over for dinner, after a while, so we made it clear that this party was just dessert. I ended up offering her a meal, because she seemed disturbed that dinner wasn't being served.

What was most disturbing and strange was that my son would not look at me! He greeted the dog on the porch (after she stepped inside and went to the bathroom like she always did), because she disliked our very nice, non shedding dog. I went out on the porch and he never looked at me. I sat in the rocker and he went in without looking at me. He never looked at me the whole time they were there. I leaned against my husband at one point because my son was looking at him. It was bizarre! Then when they left, we all said, "Goodbye" as usual, standing in a semicircle in front of the door, hugging. He went down the line but skipped me! I looked back at my husband. Son came back and gave me a quick hug, mubbleing something like he somehow missed me. That's the last touch I've had with him.

Next morning he called. Very unusual for him to call us since marrying her. I thought he might have called to thank us for the evening. No. He told us we had done many things wrong in *how we had invited them to come over*. None that normal people would see as wrong at all, and the one about us not making it clear that it was just dessert was just false. My dd remembered him even asking to clarify that on the phone. They had said they only had an hour to stay, which turned into a couple of hours. Having her here pretty much ruined my 12yo dd birthday since dil never stops talking, telling us the same things over and over , etc. and we couldn't play the card game that we told them we had planned.

The next time he called it was to tell us that for an unknown amount of time, we were not allowed to communicate. Not that they wouldn't, but we could not. The time just kept getting extended, and we were punished for writing a letter. They blamed it mostly, at first, on my dh, (who she had on a huge pedestal for most of years we knew her, both of us for sometime) because, while sick, on dh fifth day with a 102 fever, he commented on her mother's F acebook page questioning a meme she had posted. Believe me, it was not anything normal people would hold a grudge about, though, knowing dil, I wouldn't have said it. After they cut us off, we immediately tried to contact her mom, she let her husband talk to my husband; her husband said everything was alright. After this, he too refused to answer my husband's calls. He's the town's chief of police, so you'd think he would know about questioning accounts and "difficult" people and wanting to find the truth.

While everything was supposedly fine, I put up with her not allowing us to invite anyone to the wedding. Not allowing my daughters to be in the wedding--she is so jealous she tried to make sure he didn't to them and didn't want them to hug him, either. Telling us I couldn't have my own family to our event, the rehearsal dinner, even though I invited her out-of-town guests to come, too.  Months after the wedding she ran up to us and told my son, while he was saying the first words to me in a very long time, that he could only speak to me if we were at my house while she was listening. Although he argued with her on this and she called to apologize, she got what she wanted. Before she even got pregnant, she was dropping hints that they wouldn't be around for long, that we wouldn't be allowed to hold their future babies, (even though the year before she was saying that I was the only one who would ever babysit her future kids). Several people were hearing lies about me, about us long before we knew anything was coming. One lady commented that she was so glad to see us having Thanksgiving together in a photo, because she thought things were so bad between us. That was news to me!

My son was compliant, and we made him be obedient, as a child, quiet--don't really know much of what he was thinking, shy, responsible. Big brother to four others--not always nice to them, but not abusive. Kind and helpful to those outside the home, hard working. Near the end of our knowing him, he changed. He did and said things to others that he would never have said before her influence. Quitting a volunteer position without telling anyone--or us. Making a rude comment about having it take so long when he was being honored with a chance to speak publicly. Moving away from us without ever telling us. Not telling us about the pregnancy for a month after her parents. He appears to be so much in a Stockholm situation that her thoughts are his only thoughts. And, shes never stops talking.

Thanks so much for your insights. I'm sure it will be helpful to others reading who still have their sons.

[whiplashed_mom]

Please make a new board! I am reading for hours through thread titles to try and decipher which ones might be about being allowed no contact with your child and his BPD wife/husband. I was told to go to this board, but most threads seem to be about coping with a BPD mom or others.  Is there a tight limit on how many boards can be made? Those of us estranged against our will need to a place. Thank you!

[Kwamina]

Hi whiplashed_mom

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but can definitely see why you would find the situation with your son and DIL so difficult. You haven't seen your son for quite some time now which is very tough indeed. We have a thread about dealing with BPD Inlaws that you might find helpful:

BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

[Notwendy]

I've read several posts on this topic- of interest because this is the case with my father and BPD mother. My mother painted me black to my father at the end of his life and although I am not certain what happened exactly, I think he aligned with her. I was shocked that a father would do this with a daughter, until I learned from his family that he did something similar with them.

I wish I could explain it, but I can't. There are husbands on the relationship board whose wives have insisted they cut contact with their FOO and they do.

It seems that new posters post their situation but I don't see a lot of return posts. I don't know why. I am not a moderator of this group, but I agree that it is a unique situation to cope with. A couple of posters have reported that they needed to eventually move on- enjoy their lives as much as possible while leaving the door open for the adult son to contact them if he so chooses. It seems to be that a common pattern is son, married to BPD female. I have not seen adult daughters married to BPD men cut their families off this way.

I wish I had an answer. My father has passed away, so I am not able to try to speak to him or understand the dynamics here.  Personally, I think it is very cruel to cut contact with a parent without good reason ( abuse for instance). I do understand co-dependency. I believe the wife puts the relationship on the line "your parents or me" and the son fears the loss of the relationship enough to comply.

[Panda39]

Hi whiplashed_mom,

I'm on these boards because of my SO and his daughters who have an uBPDxw/mom in their lives so am not in your exact situation.  But I know you are not alone on these boards I've seen several other stories eerily similar to yours and I can only imagine how painful this is 

You might want to check out some of the posts on the staying board to get a view of things from your son's perspective.  I know that doesn't make your situation better by itself, but it might help to know how much pressure men in these relationships can be put under, that there is emotional abuse happening... .FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail is used.  For example my SO is very duty driven so Obligation and Guilt were often used by his ex to manipulate him.

My view of your situation is that in your DIL's mind you are her biggest threat.  Fear of abandonment is at the heart of BPD if your son wants to leave who would he most likely turn to?  So my guess is she is exerting a lot of pressure on him, gaslighting (making up a convincing false reality), using emotional blackmail (FOG), and putting him in double binds (you can't love me and your mom) etc... .creating a lot of exhausting chaos and drama that leave your son emotionally worn down.  That said it unfortunately takes two to Tango and your son plays his part as well in the codependent dance.

I wish I had the magic answer to fix your situation because I can't begin to know how painful it is to not see your son.   Unfortunately, we can't make others do things they don't want to do or aren't ready to do, we can only control our own actions.

One thing that I have see suggested here before is to write to your son (it could be a good place to get your feelings out) and save the letters for him so he knows you never stopped thinking of him while you were apart.  I know nothing short of being reunited will ever make your situation okay but maybe this could help a little bit while you wait with that door open.

Take Care,
Panda39

[heartandwhole]

Hi whiplashed_mom,



Welcome to the community! I'm very sorry to hear about your estrangement from your son and his wife. That is very painful    In your shoes, I'd definitely need to talk to people who understand. Fortunately, you've found a site with members who do understand. Rest assured that we have plenty of members who have experienced something similar to what you are going through and are ready and willing to support you.

The situation sounds very frustrating for you. How does your husband cope? Does one of you have a better chance of getting through, communication-wise, with your son than the other?

This site has a ton of helpful information, tools, and skills that you can learn to help with this. Things CAN get better—there is hope!

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[DaddyBear77]

Hello whiplashed_mom,

I am a son who has alienated himself from his mother, father, two brothers and their wives; pretty much my entire family of origin. My daughter is 4 years old and my parents have seen her once. My middle brother, twice. My youngest brother has never met his niece.

My wife has several traits associated with BPD and NPD, but has never been diagnosed. My wife has never been able to get along with my parents, especially my mother. My mother, sensing this coldness, responded the only way she knew how - to put distance between herself and my wife. She had hoped, im sure, that I would continue to be able to maintain a relationship with her. For a long time, I WAS able to. But it was strained and not as open as we would like it to have been.

Being a loyal husband was very important to me, and having a relationship with my mother started to feel very DISloyal. The straw that broke the camel's back was the birth of my daughter. My wife insisted I remain completely loyal to my wife and child and cut off all remaining contact with my mother. This quickly extended to ALL my family of origin, and also threats that if I DID show loyalty to my mother, my wife would take away access to my daughter. She went to far as to threaten to leave in the middle of the night and that I'd never hear from them again. Despite the fact that I was fairly sure this was a bluff, I was nevertheless loyal and did not want to cause additional turmoil in the family.

I have personally participated in several threads started by moms in a very similar situation to yours. I'm happy to share more of my story, but please know you're far from alone here.

I'm sorry - this must be really painful for you, and we are here for you.

~DaddyBear77