Looking for Input about Big Lies

[Nonorway]

Hi there,

I realized about 6 weeks ago that my partner of 3 years is BPD. (It makes so, so, so much sense.)

Last week with my therapist I came to a point of realizing that the story my partner has told me about her past may be a lie.

It was incredibly disorienting.

It has been less than a week since that moment. I do not really know what to do. I do not know if I ought to push into trying to figure out what is "Real".

Has anyone had the experience of finding out a BP's entire life story is lie?

Thank you.

[LonelyChild]

Has anyone had the experience of finding out a BP's entire life story is lie?

In my case, my uBPDxf lived two lives - one with me and one when she wasn't with me. She was a completely different person when not with me and I didn't know anything about the life she had when she wasn't with me.

Uncovering things happened over the course of many months and I still (years later now) don't know what was actually the truth. In hindsight, what I should have done was just say "I don't want to know the truth, I want to move on."

Especially in the case where everything is made up of lies; you're not really loving the person you think you're loving. It's a fantasy or illusion and you will likely regret trying to hold on to it.

(You haven't told me what the lies are, but "BP's entire life story is a lie" indicates the severity of the lies)

[formflier]

If you feel comfortable, please share the lies.

In general, they are likely driven by her "feelings" about how things were than a conscious decision to change the "technical" facts of the truth. 

One of the disorienting things about BPD is that feelings will drive facts, to the point where they many times believe it.  Then... .when their feelings change... .the "facts" change... .and they believe that as well.

Note: I'm not suggesting this is OK or that we should "put up with it", but I do think it wise to understand this comes from a different place than a person that is intentionally deceiving for personal gain or to "hide" something.

FF

[LonelyChild]

One of the disorienting things about BPD is that feelings will drive facts, to the point where they many times believe it.  Then... .when their feelings change... .the "facts" change... .and they believe that as well.

I'm not sure I buy into this, because my uBPDxgf denied things she had done *to no end*, but I found out through her friends that she had been openly admitting the same things to them. They KNOW the truth. Otherwise they wouldn't be trying to hide it.

[Nonorway]

Hi Formflier and LonelyChild (and anyone else),

I will do my best to explain. I really do not want to use precise details. Uh. Because. It is still very scary for me to think about this and putting it here. Even in an anonymous way feels super uncomfortable.

My BP has a very clear story about her background. Things starting when she was young and going through her adulthood. She has written extensive documents about these stories. These stories are horrible and super traumatic. They are hideous things for someone to live through. Mostly sex abuse things.

I simply accepted them as true. I have at times in an effort to be compassionate said, "I cannot believe you can still function after all this." I never questioned them as not being true.

Some of the people in the stories she has confronted and everything has been denied.  She has an Ex she has confronted, everything has been denied. Of course, I took this to be the other people protecting themselves.

There are little strands of things which if I pull on I start to see I could create a case for the entire story being a lie.

I just do not know. And, I do not know if I should try to figure it out.

The idea that the story is a lie is... .beyond my ability to express. Or even think about very much.

It would be like finding out the whole world except me is a robot puppet and I am an actor in a TV show.   


I appreciate your feedbacks. Thank you.

[formflier]

OK... I'm giving feedback to you and asking some questions... .

Is she actively undergoing therapy for these issues?  Has she in the past if she is not now?

How did she come to tell you about these things?  How did it come up?

Have you ever done therapy?

Have any of the things in her past been substantiated? 

Has she gone to the authorities about them?  Are they issues that could have a criminal element to them?

So, lots of questions that could impact any advice I give you.  I'll be very broad here.

Let's assume these things are true.  Any partner she would have long term would likely benefit from therapy, if for no other reason than to learn how to validate and be supportive.

Let's assume these things are not true.  Do you want to be the next person accused?  Does she have a history of relationships without accusations?

FF

[Nonorway]

Hi there.
Thanks so much for the reply. Here are the answers:

Is she actively undergoing therapy for these issues?
No.
Has she in the past if she is not now?
Yes.

How did she come to tell you about these things?  How did it come up?
They were part of our initial courting. It was an effort to explain her background and life. It was important for me to read and absorb the written document I mentioned previously. (Which seems reasonable.)

Have you ever done therapy?
I am currently in therapy. I have been in the past as well. Right now I really like the person and I am finding it helpful.


Have any of the things in her past been substantiated? 
This is really difficult for me right now. Because many things appear rooted in truth (where she was living, who she knew) but... .part of of the un-groundness for me not thinking about, no, nothing really has ever been confirmed.

Has she gone to the authorities about them? Are they issues that could have a criminal element to them?
There have been suicide attempts (prior to knowing me) which I have been told the police were involved. All of the abuse things... .uh, I do not know. No? She didn't go the authorities. (Ugh.)

So, lots of questions that could impact any advice I give you.  I'll be very broad here.

Let's assume these things are true.  Any partner she would have long term would likely benefit from therapy, if for no other reason than to learn how to validate and be supportive.

Let's assume these things are not true. 

Do you want to be the next person accused?  No. Certainly not. This does worry me.

Does she have a history of relationships without accusations? There is one ex she has a good relationship with at this time. Share a child. But... .most... .everyone else, there is a problem.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Here is an example. There was an ex who was scary and imposing and she got a restraining order for him. She described what he looked like in the event he ever showed up at the house. But... .I never have seen a photograph. And, about year in he died. That could be TOTALLY true. But. It could not be too.

Thanks for saying the part about ":)o you want to be the next person accused." That is helpful.

[formflier]

First of all... .let's talk about what you can control.

Are you in control of birth control or will you be if you have sex?  Do you understand why I asked that?

What are you working on with your T?  This would be good subject to bring up, because you could talk about the situation and the way YOU responded... .(such as "I can't believe you are doing so well" ... .or however you said it... .) and figure out if there is a more empathetic and/or validating way to say it.

These are skills which could help you in this relationship and will definitely help you in future r/s that you have.

I don't want to say that what you said was bad, I know what you mean, but I think there are much better ways to say it.  It's not precisely how you say it that matters but that you understand how other people might take what you say.

Plus, good thing to talk to the T about where YOU want to take this r/s. 

FF

[formflier]

To be clear... I'm not suggesting that she has made up her past, but it would appear that her claims are not easily verified.

All of us have things that come up and that to others might seem weird, out of place... .I'd never do that... .etc etc.

Most of us learn from our booboos and those types of incidences are rare.

Also, most of us make people "earn" the right to hear those types of details.  Perhaps they may come up during an engagement, or when a relationship is well established.

Intimate things coming up very very early COULD indicate poor boundaries on the part of the person sharing the story.

 

So... .proceed with caution.  Talk with your T.

FF

[AnuDay]

My uBPDgf made up bits of her past.  She doesnt remember parts of her childhood.  Mine is a pathological liar.  Not surprised to hear your story. They will do anything to avoid shame blame or guilt