Dumped during the devaluation stage?

[DazedD40]

Hey, just looking for a heads up on whether you can split up during the devaluation stage and whether they just string you on until a better option rocks up? Is it possible that she's not sure and is self preserving herself whilst we are apart?

Very much still in contact with my ex uBPD and doing the whole FWB thing with her so guessing that I've not fully been discarded as of yet. I'm baffled this time around as in the past it's always been a break up by discard, off she sails in to the night and we go straight in to NC. This time around the break up hasn't led to the discard so I'm a baffled bunny at the moment and not sure whether a discard is being lined up. There's been some subtitle red flags in recent weeks but at the same time there's been moments that make me think she's not ready to let go and is confused. We haven't really discussed things, partly due to my fear of her discarding me. One major red flag had been the reconnection with her one of her exes and I'm not sure whether she is recycling him whilst I'm being devalued. Current red flag is I think she's emasculating me and losing respect for me. I'm desperately clinging on in the hope that we can work things out but it feels, after some comments she's made, that she views me as weak for loving her still and trying to hang in there in the hope we get back together. Stupid thing is at times it feels that we are still together due to the FWB situation .

It's all becoming a bit too painful and I'm starting to get to a place where I feel the pain is forcing my hand in to saying enough is enough but whilst my mind is buzzing with thoughts of, is it really over, I'm finding it hard to pull away from her. Whilst doing so I'm winding myself up over her ex and whether she's waiting for a replacement whilst keeping me in tow before she feels the time is right to discard me.

Is this what they mean by being stuck in the FOG?

[heartandwhole]

Hi DazedD40,

It sounds like you are afraid of losing your connection to her, and that is understandable. Are you satisfied with the way things have been going up until this point? If you both free to see other people, couldn't you both just continue as you have been, even as she reconnects with an ex?

It's hard to suspect that loss or pain is imminent. Have you talked to her about your feelings and recent observations?

heartandwhole

[DazedD40]

Hi DazedD40,

It sounds like you are afraid of losing your connection to her, and that is understandable. Are you satisfied with the way things have been going up until this point? If you both free to see other people, couldn't you both just continue as you have been, even as she reconnects with an ex?

It's hard to suspect that loss or pain is imminent. Have you talked to her about your feelings and recent observations?

heartandwhole

Petrified! Was thinking of the bond being what I'm most scared of losing with her. I've never connected with someone like I have her and I think it's a two way street although she seems able to disconnect from me with more ease than I. I can't say I'm satisfied due to us being apart in a relationship sense and she keeps me at arms length from her family due to past smear campaigns. Yeah I can't be around her if there's someone else, ex or otherwise. My love for her is still there and I believe in her and us but it's too difficult being out in limbo so I do need to talk to her about things. Yes I'm scared because we split 2 months ago and I'd have thought we'd be back together by now if that's what she wanted.

I'm in the devalue phase so I'm sensing a discard. This feels and looks the same as it has twice in the past. We cling on then she ends things with a discard, only this time she ended things before any discard.

[Emotions]

Sounds eerily familiar... .look closely at your feelings, but even closer at her feelings, try to pay attention to how she is acting and what she is saying... .the truth will set you free ... .good luck

[Helplessly]

Petrified! Was thinking of the bond being what I'm most scared of losing with her. I've never connected with someone like I have her and I think it's a two way street although she seems able to disconnect from me with more ease than I. I can't say I'm satisfied due to us being apart in a relationship sense and she keeps me at arms length from her family due to past smear campaigns. Yeah I can't be around her if there's someone else, ex or otherwise. My love for her is still there and I believe in her and us but it's too difficult being out in limbo so I do need to talk to her about things. Yes I'm scared because we split 2 months ago and I'd have thought we'd be back together by now if that's what she wanted.

I'm in the devalue phase so I'm sensing a discard. This feels and looks the same as it has twice in the past. We cling on then she ends things with a discard, only this time she ended things before any discard.

I went through the exact same thing. Stuck around in friend mode for two months and watched her start up with another man. Then she set physical boundaries. During that two months I kissed her ass.  That's on me. When we are codependent they aren't seeing us in "real" courting mode. Just clingy.

I KNEW in the beginning something was up. In me and her. I asked her if we could be friends for a while first. That was out of the question.

They adore us in the beginning. Then as our love grows and we start seeing past their flaws the subconsciously disengage.

[DazedD40]

I went through the exact same thing. Stuck around in friend mode for two months and watched her start up with another man. Then she set physical boundaries. During that two months I kissed her ass.  That's on me. When we are codependent they aren't seeing us in "real" courting mode. Just clingy.

I KNEW in the beginning something was up. In me and her. I asked her if we could be friends for a while first. That was out of the question.

They adore us in the beginning. Then as our love grows and we start seeing past their flaws the subconsciously disengage.

Yep that's me right there, running around, kissing her arse, being attentive, being loving all in the hope that I can somehow be enough for her and enough to make her idealise me once again.

It's been a weird few months as on the surface it looks like we're together. We still txt all the time and she calls me a lot when she's not rushing around, we spend our free time together, jump in to bed with one another but the thing is, I'm starting to feel a bit used and as mentioned, like she's waiting for a replacement to come along. It feels push pull! One minute I'm playing the boyfriend role and next I'm in the friend role. I don't know if I'm coming or going! I can't help but feel if we were going to get back together and work through our difficulties, it would have happened by now!

Where I'm at presently is fearing the discard. There's an air about her, a look of guilt on her face which is confusing me as she has moments where she looks so lovingly at me. I'm looking at her behaviours and it confuses the hell out of me but then I think of that look on her face. Sometimes I look at her and can almost see In her eyes that she's already gone then she'll reach for my hand or cuddle in to me and flash me a loving look and then as I fall in to thinking that things are ok and she loves me, she'll throw a comment my way that makes me feel like she's emasculating me and ridiculing me for running around after her, for loving her!

The confusion and emotional pain is almost to much to bare now and it's tainting any time I spend with her. My head is all over the place and I sit there looking at her wondering what she's thinking, listening out for comments and watching her body language, whilst at the same time trying to give her my all and look for any glimmer of hope I can find to go away and cling on too. I feel that because of this I no longer have a choice and I need to break free before any more pain is inflicted and let's be honest, its pain I'm inflicting on myself by willingly dancing the dance. I sit in a bubble of fear and anxiety as to when the discard happens and she moves on so now my instincts are telling me to protect myself but it's so hard to do.

[Helplessly]

Yep that's me right there, running around, kissing her arse, being attentive, being loving all in the hope that I can somehow be enough for her and enough to make her idealise me once again.

It's been a weird few months as on the surface it looks like we're together. We still txt all the time and she calls me a lot when she's not rushing around, we spend our free time together, jump in to bed with one another but the thing is, I'm starting to feel a bit used and as mentioned, like she's waiting for a replacement to come along. It feels push pull! One minute I'm playing the boyfriend role and next I'm in the friend role. I don't know if I'm coming or going! I can't help but feel if we were going to get back together and work through our difficulties, it would have happened by now!

Where I'm at presently is fearing the discard. There's an air about her, a look of guilt on her face which is confusing me as she has moments where she looks so lovingly at me. I'm looking at her behaviours and it confuses the hell out of me but then I think of that look on her face. Sometimes I look at her and can almost see In her eyes that she's already gone then she'll reach for my hand or cuddle in to me and flash me a loving look and then as I fall in to thinking that things are ok and she loves me, she'll throw a comment my way that makes me feel like she's emasculating me and ridiculing me for running around after her, for loving her!

The confusion and emotional pain is almost to much to bare now and it's tainting any time I spend with her. My head is all over the place and I sit there looking at her wondering what she's thinking, listening out for comments and watching her body language, whilst at the same time trying to give her my all and look for any glimmer of hope I can find to go away and cling on too. I feel that because of this I no longer have a choice and I need to break free before any more pain is inflicted and let's be honest, its pain I'm inflicting on myself by willingly dancing the dance. I sit in a bubble of fear and anxiety as to when the discard happens and she moves on so now my instincts are telling me to protect myself but it's so hard to do.

I'm shedding a tear for you. I had to double check to make sure your post wasn't mine a month ago.  She cut off sex in the first few weeks due to illness and meds. One night she told me she was horny again and we had sex. I told her I loved her during with no response (barf).  Looking back I think she was just practicing.

Things became platonic again and I sat next to her. Massaged her. I begged to be with her every night because I thought each time might be the last. I obsessed about the inevitable.

Every once in a while she would rub my back and look at me with a concerned expression, as though she was saying "I'm gonna miss you".

I wish I could have pulled out just a thread of dignity and walked.  You will never get that celebratory last time together. She's going about life and if it's the last time you see her, it's more important to you than her

It's also not uncommon for people to ACT romantically when they are starting a relationship.

The answer is there. Are you strong enough?

[DazedD40]

I'm shedding a tear for you. I had to double check to make sure your post wasn't mine a month ago.  She cut off sex in the first few weeks due to illness and meds. One night she told me she was horny again and we had sex. I told her I loved her during with no response (barf).  Looking back I think she was just practicing.

Things became platonic again and I sat next to her. Massaged her. I begged to be with her every night because I thought each time might be the last. I obsessed about the inevitable.

Every once in a while she would rub my back and look at me with a concerned expression, as though she was saying "I'm gonna miss you".

I wish I could have pulled out just a thread of dignity and walked.  You will never get that celebratory last time together. She's going about life and if it's the last time you see her, it's more important to you than her

It's also not uncommon for people to ACT romantically when they are starting a relationship.

The answer is there. Are you strong enough?

I'm going to have to be aren't I?

Been crying on and off daily since last week! I almost burst out crying in front of her the other day. I guess I'm waking up, again. I swore blind, when we got back together, that I would never ever wind up here again, yet here I am back in emotional turmoil.