HELP I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE TORN IN MY LIFE

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 
I've been in a lesbian relationship with a woman who've I've known since we were 14. We reconnected about 8 years and have been together ever since. I felt on top of the world when we first started dating. I couldn't believe that I was beginning this relationship with her. I would roll over in the morning and see her face and ask her, "how did I get so lucky"? Fast forward thru to the honeymoon stage- i felt alone, i wasn't working because I agreed to care for her son from a previous relationship. I felt like, i was an employee and she always gave me just enough to always want to stay. I wanted to stay, I adored her and still do. During that time while caring for her son, whom I cared for as if he was my own, I felt like I wasnt getting the attention I needed, or the thank yous I deserved. But I got criticism of something... .anything... .always... .If I felt one way about something, I was wrong. "How could you possibly feel that way, you're crazy." I knew I wasn't crazy and we'd fight, and yell and I'd move out and then move back in a week later. While I would be gone, she would sleep with her sons father "to get back at me"... .
I felt powerless, I felt stuck, and I reached out to other woman from my past that I was comfortable with and who appreciated talking to me and wanted to hear from me. I kept this for a long time from my partner. I knew what I was doing wasnt right, but because I wasnt physically cheating on her-I justified it. Advancing to about 2 1/2 years ago,  I got caught. And needless to say, she lost it. I lied and denied and lied and didnt tell full truths because of the fear I felt from her, and the rage. She eventually did her own homework, made an excel spreadsheet of all the calls from my call log and called every single number. She spoke to those woman who told her the truth due to not having anything to lose. She was hurt. I feel like I've been crucified for the last 2 years. We got back together within  3 months of that break up and I feel like I've been living this constant battle. It's a constant reassuring, proving myself, she has control over everything, and I stay. We went to couples counceling and I feel like, we would take a half foot forward and 10 back. When we would attend, I would follow order and she wouldnt. I would be transparent and try everything to gain her trust but she would say that "I dont deserve" for her to be transparent. She had control over the cell phone bill. She could see my call log, but wouldnt give me access to the account so I couldnt see hers. I'm realizing that I've been living in this double standard relationship. I now attend therapy alone and she has stopped going with the excuse that because "I have a job, and cant make the couples appointment, so when I make it important, so will she." Without hesitation, I said "ok"... .Im learning that I cant make her do anything. If she want something bad enough, she'll do it and I have to focus on myself. WHICH IS VERY HARD AND NEW FOR ME. I am the caregiver in our relationship. I am the caregiver in every relationship I'm in. Since going to therapy alone I've discussed with my therapist the thought of her being Narcissistic? My therapist believes she has more BPD tendency then anything. I went home and listened to "Stop caretaking the Borderline in your life" and I had the biggest epiphany. I thought the book was written for my relationship. I dont want to learn about it to point my finger and tell her "... .AND YOU HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER"... .I merely want to educate on how to live with her, how to cope and respond and most importantly, love her. That being said, I know something about her that she doesnt know she has? GREAT! (sarcastic)
Just recently, we got into a fight because after she "punished me" by shutting my phone off, I bought my own. That was she can never make me feel humiliated and like a child again. Slowly but surely I feel like I'm taking back my independence. I work 6 days a week, I don't have friends, I give her my paychecks and keep a small amount. I'm isolated from my family because they don't "respect" her. The other day, she asked to see my phone. I agreed but wanted to know why? I challenged her and I wanted to have a conversation with her to know where that comes from? what was her trigger? I just wanted to talk to her and understand where she was coming from and how she got here. There was nothing on my end that happened. I dont sleep with my phone under my pillow, I dont have a lock on my phone, I dont have anything to hide. She expressed to me that she's pissed that she doesnt have access to my phone record and I know that is driving her bat ___ crazy. At the same time, I feel like I continue to give, and give and give and I never get what I want. Something clicked. I said to her, "you're pissed that you cant see my phone record because I have my own phone because you shut my phone off, yet I've asked for her transparency and I get denied?" I dont want to live like that. So after I said what I did about not see her phone log... .she immediately went into rage and WWIII was in full effect. I didnt entertain it, I kept to myself and she was livid. Excused me of cheating on her and that i delete things from my phone and called me every name in the book, splashed a drink in my face. By the end of the night she told me she wanted me out of "her house". I told her that it was my house as well and that she would have to evict me. Well, at 6:15 am I received an eviction notice from an online source. I have 30 days to vacate the property, which I will, but being together for this long, I know this is just her losing control over me. I know the way she treats me isnt right. I know the way she talks to me isnt right. My head tells me to run and my heart tells me to stay because I know she has this disorder. My heart tells me to stay because "our" son whos now 11, loves me... .I'm his mom. I'm his security when she rages at him. I cant leave him alone with her... .and I dont want to. I've raised him and spent more time with him then she has. And- I love them. Thats my family. But when she rages- immedietly she tells me to get out of her house. I've left in the past and then she wants to work things out and that she'll change. AND IT DOESNT... .My 11 year old son tells me that I should leave because of how she treats me and talks to me? I feel like if I stay, I'm showing him that its okay to treat people like that. and its not okay. IM LOST. I dont know what to do anymore.

I would love to know how anyone who's been in this situation deals with life? With a partner that rages and makes it your fault and tells you leave but to stay... .and hates you but "loves me and would be miserable if I ever left"
I just dont know anymore.
Thank you so much for taking the time and reading my rant

[CXH5738]

 
I've been in a lesbian relationship with a woman who've I've known since we were 14. We reconnected about 8 years and have been together ever since. I felt on top of the world when we first started dating. I couldn't believe that I was beginning this relationship with her. I would roll over in the morning and see her face and ask her, "how did I get so lucky"? Fast forward thru to the honeymoon stage- i felt alone, i wasn't working because I agreed to care for her son from a previous relationship. I felt like, i was an employee and she always gave me just enough to always want to stay. I wanted to stay, I adored her and still do. During that time while caring for her son, whom I cared for as if he was my own, I felt like I wasnt getting the attention I needed, or the thank yous I deserved. But I got criticism of something... .anything... .always... .If I felt one way about something, I was wrong. "How could you possibly feel that way, you're crazy." I knew I wasn't crazy and we'd fight, and yell and I'd move out and then move back in a week later. While I would be gone, she would sleep with her sons father "to get back at me"... .
I felt powerless, I felt stuck, and I reached out to other woman from my past that I was comfortable with and who appreciated talking to me and wanted to hear from me. I kept this for a long time from my partner. I knew what I was doing wasnt right, but because I wasnt physically cheating on her-I justified it. Advancing to about 2 1/2 years ago,  I got caught. And needless to say, she lost it. I lied and denied and lied and didnt tell full truths because of the fear I felt from her, and the rage. She eventually did her own homework, made an excel spreadsheet of all the calls from my call log and called every single number. She spoke to those woman who told her the truth due to not having anything to lose. She was hurt. I feel like I've been crucified for the last 2 years. We got back together within  3 months of that break up and I feel like I've been living this constant battle. It's a constant reassuring, proving myself, she has control over everything, and I stay. We went to couples counceling and I feel like, we would take a half foot forward and 10 back. When we would attend, I would follow order and she wouldnt. I would be transparent and try everything to gain her trust but she would say that "I dont deserve" for her to be transparent. She had control over the cell phone bill. She could see my call log, but wouldnt give me access to the account so I couldnt see hers. I'm realizing that I've been living in this double standard relationship. I now attend therapy alone and she has stopped going with the excuse that because "I have a job, and cant make the couples appointment, so when I make it important, so will she." Without hesitation, I said "ok"... .Im learning that I cant make her do anything. If she want something bad enough, she'll do it and I have to focus on myself. WHICH IS VERY HARD AND NEW FOR ME. I am the caregiver in our relationship. I am the caregiver in every relationship I'm in. Since going to therapy alone I've discussed with my therapist the thought of her being Narcissistic? My therapist believes she has more BPD tendency then anything. I went home and listened to "Stop caretaking the Borderline in your life" and I had the biggest epiphany. I thought the book was written for my relationship. I dont want to learn about it to point my finger and tell her "... .AND YOU HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER"... .I merely want to educate on how to live with her, how to cope and respond and most importantly, love her. That being said, I know something about her that she doesnt know she has? GREAT! (sarcastic)
Just recently, we got into a fight because after she "punished me" by shutting my phone off, I bought my own. That was she can never make me feel humiliated and like a child again. Slowly but surely I feel like I'm taking back my independence. I work 6 days a week, I don't have friends, I give her my paychecks and keep a small amount. I'm isolated from my family because they don't "respect" her. The other day, she asked to see my phone. I agreed but wanted to know why? I challenged her and I wanted to have a conversation with her to know where that comes from? what was her trigger? I just wanted to talk to her and understand where she was coming from and how she got here. There was nothing on my end that happened. I dont sleep with my phone under my pillow, I dont have a lock on my phone, I dont have anything to hide. She expressed to me that she's pissed that she doesnt have access to my phone record and I know that is driving her bat ___ crazy. At the same time, I feel like I continue to give, and give and give and I never get what I want. Something clicked. I said to her, "you're pissed that you cant see my phone record because I have my own phone because you shut my phone off, yet I've asked for her transparency and I get denied?" I dont want to live like that. So after I said what I did about not see her phone log... .she immediately went into rage and WWIII was in full effect. I didnt entertain it, I kept to myself and she was livid. Excused me of cheating on her and that i delete things from my phone and called me every name in the book, splashed a drink in my face. By the end of the night she told me she wanted me out of "her house". I told her that it was my house as well and that she would have to evict me. Well, at 6:15 am I received an eviction notice from an online source. I have 30 days to vacate the property, which I will, but being together for this long, I know this is just her losing control over me. I know the way she treats me isnt right. I know the way she talks to me isnt right. My head tells me to run and my heart tells me to stay because I know she has this disorder. My heart tells me to stay because "our" son whos now 11, loves me... .I'm his mom. I'm his security when she rages at him. I cant leave him alone with her... .and I dont want to. I've raised him and spent more time with him then she has. And- I love them. Thats my family. But when she rages- immedietly she tells me to get out of her house. I've left in the past and then she wants to work things out and that she'll change. AND IT DOESNT... .My 11 year old son tells me that I should leave because of how she treats me and talks to me? I feel like if I stay, I'm showing him that its okay to treat people like that. and its not okay. IM LOST. I dont know what to do anymore.

I would love to know how anyone who's been in this situation deals with life? With a partner that rages and makes it your fault and tells you leave but to stay... .and hates you but "loves me and would be miserable if I ever left"
I just dont know anymore.
Thank you so much for taking the time and reading my rant

[Mutt]

Hi CXH5738,


I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you got evicted, that's early in the morning to receive that in an email.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is a great book, it explains that a pwBPD have social impairments and that you can make a choice to stay or leave, if you choose to stay, your partner is likely not going to change. I'm not 100% sure on that, she may get help down the road, from the sounds of it, she's undiagnosed and may have other mental illness's present. You can find the book review here

There's also a chapter on self care in the book, Margalis Fjelstad, suggests to stay connected with family and friends because a pwBPD have a perspective that is exa, it's exaggerated and mostly negative, it's distortion. Family and friends can give you positive feedback, that keeps things in perspective and it's also a part of self care and good for you to be with people that love you unconditionally. 

You're on the conflicted board, so there's a part of you that may be tired of this emotional roller coaster, maybe you're looking for answers that aren't found in the book. Regardless, you don't have to go through this alone, many of use here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. This is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being judged or invalidated.

I have 30 days to vacate the property, which I will, but being together for this long, I know this is just her losing control over me. I know the way she treats me isnt right. I know the way she talks to me isnt right. My head tells me to run and my heart tells me to stay because I know she has this disorder

I agree with you, I also think that she's lashing out when you set boundaries. Many of us here had no boundaries or floating boundaries, when you start setting boundaries with pwBPD or people in general that aren't used to your boundaries, they're going to lash out. You need strong boundaries with a pwBPD, a pwBPD have little to no boundaries on themselves and don't understand the boundaries of others, boundaries will also make her feel a sense of security.

Have you tried to not JADE? It sounds like you're getting there, one of the most important tools that I learned here was to not Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain. For example, if my ex uBPDw thinks that the sky is red, she's absolutely convinced of that and I can't convince her otherwise. I know that's not fact, if she wants to believe that, fine so be it.

How one person interprets reality can be very different for someone else, reality is open to debate, emotions and feelings are real. Don't get into a debate with her, be mindful like Margalis Fjelstad suggests to not take the bait when you're partner is trying to bait.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)