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Author Topic: How do I communicate more effectively with BPD partner without escalation  (Read 353 times)
Cerise
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 1


« on: June 22, 2017, 11:06:58 AM »

I'm in constant gridlock with my husband.  He sees me, acts and treats me as either a "good" or "evil" person (in his eyes).  One moment he's holding my hand, the next he's screaming at me "You're a dog", "You're a monster" "You're a f'n B----!" "I want a divorce - when can you be out of my house" He tries to block me (often I lock myself in the bathroom with my cell-phone and handbag).  I have recorded many of his outbursts (they occur 3-4 times each month).  

Other times I freeze when I'm under attack (not sure in my mind, what to do or say), and when I express that "I'm scared" my husband will scream at me "Call the Police, Call the Police".  I have called the Police and they responded (he was asked to leave the house) I then packed some things and took our son to a Women's shelter (the last time for almost three months).  I set in place an agreement to return home when my husband refused to answer a lawyer's letter that we seek help and live apart.  The agreement lasted for 6 months before he reverted to his old behaviour.

My husband continues to become enraged and escalates from 0-10 in a matter of seconds.  The triggers for his behaviour are as simple as me turning the dishwasher on, asking for the keys to the car to go grocery shopping, asking for a time out (leaving the room).  When my back is turned he will throw things at me (this morning he came after me, throwing banana peel).  It's been 10 years of this destructive behaviour (several wise physcologists have met with us, both have confronted his behaviour - he then quits counselling).  I'm not able to have a healthy conversation on any personal issue in our lives without him screaming, yelling, name calling. Every conversation escalates.  I suffer emotional abuse, physical and financial abuse.  I choose to sleep in another room.  I try to set boundaries.  I find that quite often he is not listening to me, because he is trying to talk over the top of me.  I live in a place where English is not the first language spoken (it is difficult for me to express myself in a second language).  My family live on the other side of the world.

I have been kicked, spat on, pushed to the ground (from behind).  My personal belongings have been thrown out of the house.

How do I communicate with someone who is clearly BPD with Narcissistic tendencies and is quite possibly depressed (and denies that he has any issues at all).  My husband points all his issues toward me.  How do I continue to keep myself and my son safe?  We are strong, and we are important and I feel that I am coming close to my limit of what I can bear.

I have a good relationship with my son (8.5 yrs) - he recognises that Papa has an anger problem (my son quickly retreats to his room until we can get out of the house safely together - we usually go to the local library).  My son is trying to understand if the problem is in Papa's head or his tummy (what is actually happening for his Dad).  My son and I always talk after each incident and I reassure him that we have not done anything wrong.

Thank you.
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MrRight
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 373


« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2017, 07:01:38 AM »

Thanks for posting.

This sounds terrifying and dangerous for you and your son.

I do hope someone more experienced than me will help you with this. If you feel that your safety is threatened - do not hesitate to call the police. And if you are being physically assaulted - you should call the police and press charges. That is my view. I live with a violent woman pwBPD - but I am bigger than her and stronger - and I don't feel my safety is in danger despite the violence. But with you the situation is different.
You will no doubt get advice on how to manage the emotional world of a BPD - that may be the way forward and there are tools on this site that you may find useful. Put your safety first though.
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Gumiho
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 168



« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2017, 07:54:45 AM »

Hey Cerise.
Welcome to the family~

Your case sounds quite severe there, as MrRight suggested never hesitate to call the police.
Myself is in a relationship with a violent person with BPD tendency, though she's more than a head smaller than me, I'm not really impressed by her violence outbursts.

However keep in mind that your situation certainty might be toxic for your son and you as well. Be on guard and make sure you and your son remove yourselves from any violent outbursts!

Anyways welcome and know that you're not alone ^^
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isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2017, 02:13:26 PM »

Number 1 - I want to congratulate you on working so well on this with your son and for being brave and able to take steps needed to keep him safe and as far from emotional and physical harm's way as possible.  As a survivor of 2 BPD parents, I can say that I know how scary and confusing this can be from a child's point of view, and I did not have a mom like you helping me.  So I want to give you a big round of applause for all you are doing.

Number 2 - that said, I also want you to know that it's totally okay and even preferable in some cases for you to be a single mom than to stay in this.  You need to be evaluating your life and circumstances, and see if you think you might be staying for the sake of the child (don't do that - in the long run it is not good).  If you still love and care for your H and want to see how to best help him, and are not in a place where you want to cut and run but feel it's wrong, it's bad for your son, or whatever, by all means, stay here and try to work on it.  But just make sure you are staying for yourself because at some point some aspect of this relationship fills a need you have, and don't just stay for the sake of anyone else. 

Number 3 - can you spot ANY rhyme or reason to the outbursts and their levels of aggression?  Times of day?  Times of year?  Food choices?  Events at work, etc.?  I ask simply because in my life I noticed H would get more angry more quickly and more violently if he needed food - turns out he is diabetic, and his sugar drops made him even more irrational.  Making sure I can get food into him on time has saved me a LOT of grief.  Others on here have noticed a correlation between BAD food, like say chicken nuggets, and a really bad period of moodiness or a particularly bad rage event. 

During the rage, you seem to be doing all you can, so to help you improve things, looking into less obvious underlying causes for the level of rage might help.  You have been painted black.  You must bee seen as evil for him to be able to vent out his emotions.  BPD is an emotional disability - think of it like that and it kinda makes things click for me.  H lacks some sort of ability you and I have to look at our actions, and step back and own them.  We can look at an embarrassing feeling, and while it can hurt, accept it.  BPD must throw away all bad feelings onto a scapegoat.  They can not internalize any bad feelings in anything like a  healthy manner. 

H actually confided in me a few years ago (I've been working on BPD stuff for about 10 years of the 21 we have been together) that he can't feel he expressed his anger at anything unless he yells at a person.  It's rianing, he needs to yell at me for it.  A tire goes flat?  Same.  Thre is no such thing as an accident or extenuating circumstance once that switch has been pushed.  Then, much like food poisoning has to come out in some unpleasant manner, BPD emotions get vomited up all over the person (people) closest to the pwBPD. 

It sounds like this is a daily issue, and your H's rage is just under the surface at all times.  Are there ANY interactions that are civil/pleasant?  Is this daily, hourly?  Is he in such a state that simply seeing you makes him angry?  Was there a period where things were better?  Was there any identifiable incident/time when things just went bad all at once?  How is your home organized?  Who works, does chores, childcare?  Does he get out of the house at all and interact with anyone else during thr day?
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