Going through legal separation. Any tips?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We just had our second mediation appointment today and I'm starting to get a feel for how messy this could end up being.

Background:  Married 22 years.  dBPDh has been under/unemployed for about 15 of those years and it's my "over functioning" that has dug us out of debt and built a very comfortable life for us and our S18 and S14.  It's also kept our marriage going through some pretty hellish times.  I finally started recognizing the abuse and setting some boundaries and consequences a little over a year ago.  That has led to in home separation and then me moving out in January of this year.  Now I'm moving forward with a legal separation.  In our state the only difference between a legal separation and divorce is that the box that says "marriage is irretrievably broken" does not get checked and the marriage is not dissolved.  Besides not being sure I want to dissolve the marriage (I'm still posting on the Conflicted board), the legal separation allows BPDh to remain on my health insurance. 

So here are some of the issues I'm facing that I'd love insight/feedback on.

BPDh is now self-employed.  He has enough work to have him earning in the range of the median family income for our area, but he's claiming far less income.  He has a history of not billing for work done (chronically under estimates the number of hours he will need to get a job done then feel uncomfortable going to the customer for permission to work the extra hours.  He just "eats the cost".  He also is considering his income to be what he brings in minus what he buys "for the business" and has a history of reckless spending.  I'm trying to get him to take responsibility for those consequences and either adjust his behavior or go find a job where he's not responsible for billing, etc.  I have spoken with a lawyer who said that I could hire someone to evaluate his skills and impute income to him.  Anyone have any experience with that?

BPDh is dragging his feet on any decision making on division of assets.  To the point where our mediator spent 10 minutes explaining to him the concept of negotiation and that he needs to think through what he wants and either present or at least give feedback on options.  She encouraged him to go to a lawyer if he is unclear on whether what I'm proposing is "fair", since she is neutral and can't give him advice on this.  I've told him that I expect him to pay for mediation sessions in excess of the 4 that I feel are reasonable for completing the work we need to do with the mediator (though I suspect he'll just ask for that much more from me to cover the cost).  Any tips on dealing with the stalling?

There are a ton of other little things that are sticking points, and I can see that the next mediation appointment may be the point where things really start to spiral (spousal/child support discussion), but for now those two are the biggies.  Of course, I'd welcome any thought you have on the potential land mines that I may not yet be anticipating.

Thanks,
BeagleGirl

[BeagleGirl]

We just had our second mediation appointment today and I'm starting to get a feel for how messy this could end up being.

Background:  Married 22 years.  dBPDh has been under/unemployed for about 15 of those years and it's my "over functioning" that has dug us out of debt and built a very comfortable life for us and our S18 and S14.  It's also kept our marriage going through some pretty hellish times.  I finally started recognizing the abuse and setting some boundaries and consequences a little over a year ago.  That has led to in home separation and then me moving out in January of this year.  Now I'm moving forward with a legal separation.  In our state the only difference between a legal separation and divorce is that the box that says "marriage is irretrievably broken" does not get checked and the marriage is not dissolved.  Besides not being sure I want to dissolve the marriage (I'm still posting on the Conflicted board), the legal separation allows BPDh to remain on my health insurance. 

So here are some of the issues I'm facing that I'd love insight/feedback on.

BPDh is now self-employed.  He has enough work to have him earning in the range of the median family income for our area, but he's claiming far less income.  He has a history of not billing for work done (chronically under estimates the number of hours he will need to get a job done then feel uncomfortable going to the customer for permission to work the extra hours.  He just "eats the cost".  He also is considering his income to be what he brings in minus what he buys "for the business" and has a history of reckless spending.  I'm trying to get him to take responsibility for those consequences and either adjust his behavior or go find a job where he's not responsible for billing, etc.  I have spoken with a lawyer who said that I could hire someone to evaluate his skills and impute income to him.  Anyone have any experience with that?

BPDh is dragging his feet on any decision making on division of assets.  To the point where our mediator spent 10 minutes explaining to him the concept of negotiation and that he needs to think through what he wants and either present or at least give feedback on options.  She encouraged him to go to a lawyer if he is unclear on whether what I'm proposing is "fair", since she is neutral and can't give him advice on this.  I've told him that I expect him to pay for mediation sessions in excess of the 4 that I feel are reasonable for completing the work we need to do with the mediator (though I suspect he'll just ask for that much more from me to cover the cost).  Any tips on dealing with the stalling?

There are a ton of other little things that are sticking points, and I can see that the next mediation appointment may be the point where things really start to spiral (spousal/child support discussion), but for now those two are the biggies.  Of course, I'd welcome any thought you have on the potential land mines that I may not yet be anticipating.

Thanks,
BeagleGirl

[flourdust]

Mediation with pwBPD often fails, especially in the early stages of a separation or divorce. Have you considered your alternatives if you aren't able to make the progress you desire?

[ForeverDad]

Besides not being sure I want to dissolve the marriage (I'm still posting on the Conflicted board), the legal separation allows BPDh to remain on my health insurance.

Very seldom do we have a member here take the Legal Separation path.  Generally the other spouses can't maintain a civil or cooperative stance once the relationship has ended.  That's why a clean break, or something close to that, is the least bad option.  LS is one small step shy of Divorce but it does leave you exposed to your spouse's actions.  Legally you need to determine whether any of his financial choices, current or future, might impact you.  Could creditors come after you to repay his debts?

When I first met my divorce attorney, I asked him about LS versus D.  He said in 17 years of lawyering (now probably nearly 30 years) he had only two couples that had chosen LS.  One was for the exact reason you listed, for the other spouse to remain on health insurance.  But won't the Affordable Healthcare Act cover him if he is divorced?  I thought that was its purpose, to cover everyone.  If there's a risk that he wouldn't choose to get insurance, then that's on him, he's an adult after all.  Is it that you feel obligated or guilted to care for him or buffer him?

[takingandsending]

Hi BeagleGirl. 

I am in collaborative divorce with xw; we have S11 and S6. My L also advised that most all of his clients that start as legal separation end up changing petition to divorce by the time they are finalizing. Why? Because negotiating is what defines being in a healthy relationship, and the lack of ability to negotiate in a separation leads most of us to realize that our differences actually are not reconcilable, despite the loss our hearts may feel.

My experience after about 6-7 sessions (and I do think that 4 sessions is a very likely low number with a disordered spouse involved) is that I have to be incredibly clear about what goals I have, what I am willing to discuss, what I am not willing to discuss. In other words, come in with a well formulated game plan and fight like heck to stick to it. So, basically, all the things that I couldn't do well in my marriage - boundaries, assertiveness, remaining clear headed under fire, not JADEing - are even more in demand during mediation. The good news, as you probably may be experiencing, is that the separation helps keep better perspective and clarity because at least the conflict isn't following you after you step out of that mediator's office. At some point soon, I do recommend that you remind the mediator that he/she has already explained the ground rules of negotiation to H, and that you do not wish to spend any further time in session discussing his responsibility in the process. You likewise will not spend time responding to complaints, accusations, or anything other than what you are here to discuss.

Re. imputing income, I am also addressing that topic with my L. The guidance I received is that it is possible to impute income at a level that someone of his age, experience and profession earns on average. So, if he is earning under the average, that's his problem to fix - not yours. This is likely the approach I have to take with my wife who does trades, provides service to clients who take 6 months to pay $200, etc. Not my problem to fix.

Have you had any further sessions? Any better results?