Part 2: Order of Protection. No Contact, No 500 feet of my child, her, work, YMCA and I was removed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So headed back today to the counselor, I explained that if you feel there are discrepancies, it is due in large part I was very emotional speaking to her and that it was hard for me to organize my thoughts.  But I told the truth just as I always have, Herb is not part of my daily life.  She asked me to pee in the cup again, I questioned it, why, but she said they want to see if the levels went down.  If I was positive last week, wont I be positive this week.  She also said my numbers demonstrated inconsistencies.  She said a 200ng person is a daily smoker, my number was 120ng.  I explained my friend who is a physician, I spoke to after him advised me how THC synthesizes in the body, I had no idea, and he said since I ws chubby  I also questioned her tactic in basically questioning my honesty.  She apologized and explained the job is difficult.  So she took some notes, we talked openly, she will review with her board to make any recommendation if any.  In the mean time, I am looking to begin parenting classes thru a Christian Organization.
Mod note: this thread was split from its parent topic (see here) in order to continue the discussion

[Lost in Desert]

So headed back today to the counselor, I explained that if you feel there are discrepancies, it is due in large part I was very emotional speaking to her and that it was hard for me to organize my thoughts.  But I told the truth just as I always have, Herb is not part of my daily life.  She asked me to pee in the cup again, I questioned it, why, but she said they want to see if the levels went down.  If I was positive last week, wont I be positive this week.  She also said my numbers demonstrated inconsistencies.  She said a 200ng person is a daily smoker, my number was 120ng.  I explained my friend who is a physician, I spoke to after him advised me how THC synthesizes in the body, I had no idea, and he said since I ws chubby  I also questioned her tactic in basically questioning my honesty.  She apologized and explained the job is difficult.  So she took some notes, we talked openly, she will review with her board to make any recommendation if any.  In the mean time, I am looking to begin parenting classes thru a Christian Organization.
Mod note: this thread was split from its parent topic (see here) in order to continue the discussion

[Skip]

Did you take the test?
Did the advice here help you?
How do you think it went today?
What do you think she will conclude?

[Lost in Desert]

I think it went well, I handled it like I would a client.  She made me take the test again to see if the levels were diminishing. I explained, I been exercising and this does impact it.  So hopefully they can see my number go down, it would be awesome if it fell under their threshold.  Of course, the advice I have gotten on here is SO VALUABLE. I am still hurting, the pain is still there, cause I know I did not fail, but I feel her failures and honestly the most painful element, is how can she just bat an eyelash and push me out as if I was never there.  That is the part that hurts the most. 

I told the counselor, what is the point if I failed last week, I will likely fail today.  She said I asked for a retest and she pushed me to do it.  Problem is I been working out, not weightlifting yet, but walking, so I advised her this could impact my count.

I also pointed out I did not appreciate her questioning my honesty and I felt judged, she apologized and said it is not her intention to judge, instead to help.  I then raised the bar, if that is what you all deem, I am prepared to sit in with sessions, etc.  I also stayed strong with the notion, not everyone is the same, so please do not try to group me with a daily herb smoker.  She said the number for a daily smoker is 200, I did not question her.  I did explain, I spoke to my friend who is a physician and said people in the Drug Counseling industry have tough jobs, cause each person bodies metabolizes differently.  I also advised, in the time I have been separated from my wife, I have lost 20 pounds or so, she said then it should not be in my urine at that high count, I countered, but if I am burning fat, Like I am, it will be more prevalent in my urine.  I asked to take a future test, she objected.  Said right here and now. 

I think it was a professional conversation and she has to reach out to my collaterals and they both know me well, total of 54 years and I am only 44.  So they both will speak the truth and in line with what I been saying.  I told her, I am being truthful with you, herb has never been a big part of my life, so I do not have an idea when, how etc.  It only was happening the past few months and I told her I have no urge to do it.  She then asked about my old jobs, I told her I was once in the transportation industry and was tested monthly, never failed, she came back, was it cause you were skinny?  It made me made inside, I said, no, it cause it has not been part of my life daily, weekly or monthly activities I sought out.  I am a basketball junkies, workout warrior, that has been my life thru my 20s until age 38 when I had a knee injury.  I also advised, she can check my medical records, I have never tested positive for anything. 

SO my conclusion, I feel she is a recent grad, young in this profession and I feel she will likely recommend me for some treatment, especially since I am paying cash.  if anyone does not believe that plays a factor it does.

We shall see, I feel kinda upset, I went for a walk at the track last night, did 2 miles and my urine could reflect that, so we shall see.  Either way, I will head back, once a decision is made. 

[GaGrl]

You seem to be a very trusting person.

You are now in a situation that requires you to be less trusting of people you meet who purport to be helping you.

[Lost in Desert]

GA girl, you have a good read.  I have always been trusting of people, but going forward, I have to play poker with my hand close to my chest.

The evaluation came back inconclusive.  So what does that mean for me.  She didn't see a need to recommend me treatment.  I advised I been exercising and thus the count likely went up, before she even shared it with me, in fact she said it did to 193.  But she being a counselor, I found it odd, she had a hard time grasping when someone is exercising and losing weight, I have now lost 27 pounds, the urine will show more toxins as I burn fat.

She said I could go back later this month if I wanted to.  Which I plan on.  I am doing two miles a day after work, and thus trying to get back into shape, play basketball, be active again, instead of living under the EX Wife thumb. Work and then sitting home.

[Skip]

I found it odd, she had a hard time grasping when someone is exercising and losing weight, I have now lost 27 pounds, the urine will show more toxins as I burn fat.

The test is detecting marijuana. Not exercise toxins. So her inability to grasp is because you are making a false claim.

It is true that if you have marijuana in your system and you are exercising, the marijuana levels go up a bit.

120 - 193 are significant levels. They are inconsistent with someone who smoked briefly one time last month to help with sleep.

Inconclusive means that it is not clear that you have a problematic drug habit - but that you are a user.

I really think it will help to drop this idea that exercise is falsely creating elevated test results and that you haven't smoked but once and that your partner is the reason you smoked.

Why.

Because, if this does not seem credible, everything else will be looked at as a possible lie - like did you shake the child and throw her down in a chair.

See what I mean?

[Lost in Desert]

Skip thanks. 

So I met with a Divorce Lawyer yesterday, since we do not have assets, retirement and I have given her the residence and all the belongings, there really isn't anything to fight over.  So why drag this out into the courts.  So the Child Support will be 15 to 17%. 

So my Family Court Lawyer, will develop a letter in our offer:  Remove all the stuff thus far entered, she has clearly shown there is no fear on her part of me.  Plus this was a tactic to get me out.  I accept that now.  By her asking me to take the baby from her in the home when I picked up my clothes police were present, from my first visit she insisting I get out of the car to come over to her and the baby.  My sister objected.  So we are asking for everything to be removed, the marriage is over.  Nothing to fight over.  I will pay my child support, NO QUESTION.  I also will offer to pay for mediation, nothing out of her pocket.  I am also seeking Joint Custody with him being with me Thursday Night thru Sunday Afternoon or evening.  My offer will also include that on Fridays, I will take him to her aunts home, so she can visit with him freely that day. 

My family lawyer will draft the letter and we will deliver to her lawyer, and pray she accepts it. Like my lawyer said, she is still in shock how the Order was issued in the first place, no name calling, no physical altercation. 

As for my evaluation, I think I will head back by the end of the month for another urinalysis. 

She did agree, that since I been losing weight, and exercising again my toxins will rise, but she could have insisted I join a program.  So she said I can come back at the end of the month for another screening, which I plan on doing.

I understand skip what you are saying.  I met my wife, I was 160lbs, 3% body fat and was an exercise, basketball nut.  Four years later, I am weighing 230lbs.  I did admit I had used, but it was on the weekends and not every weekend.  Thus why the inconclusive decision.  But now I am down to 201 and been walking 2 miles every night after work.  My friend who is a physician in Florida, said it is good, cause I am getting losing weight and burning fat.  So of course the stuff is being released in my urine and blood, it is stored in your liver for months. 

thanks skip for your insight.

[kentavr3]

what is your situation now? I could give some advice.

[Lost in Desert]

I took my drug evaluation.  There is no alcohol use in me, there is no drug use in me.  I have smoked herb but not often.  Im 44 and do not have the funds, nor the time to.  I used it as a sleep aid.

So I tested positive, and I requested another test and came back again.  But she gave me an inconclusive report, which my lawyer explained is not good or bad.  But it means I do not need so called treatment.  I am heading back at the end of the month to take another urinalysis.  I will piss clean cause I been losing weight, exercising again, working a lot.  Am I struggling to sleep, for sure.  But I do not have an urge to have herb.  Living with my wife was one of the hardest things in my life, I went home, then work, home then work, with little to no time away.  In fact the only time I got away was on the weekends taking my son to my parents.

So now, my lawyer in the DV aspect is trying to contact her lawyer and settle.  We hope to get a No Cause order, so my ex and I can begin to learn to co-parent and move past all of this.  I also hope to be able to call my son at night when he is there so I can say goodnight. Etc.  So we hope to settle, there is no retirement to split, no home to split, she has her car, I have my car.  I was removed the apartment and I signed off the lease, she kept all the belongings in the apartment.  So my lawyer hopes we can settle, meaning, there is nothing really to fight about, this is not a difficult divorce.  So lets settle, lets figure out joint custody arrangement, I can submit my financials for her child support.  Then I can begin to rebuild my life, so I am no longer at my parents home at age 44.

I am taking a Co Parenting class, I have my certificate of completion.  My lawyer likes that I was proactive in this, but I also wanted to learn. 

So it is a waiting game now, the court case moves slowly.  My lawyer thinks if we can get her to agree, maybe we do not have to wait until the next court date, we can file now to move past all of this.

That is my prayer.

What advice do you have.

[ForeverDad]

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Typically the custody and parenting schedule are the hardest parts of a separation or divorce from a pwBPD.  Your lawyer may be thinking the pending allegations are the worst, but they may just be the first.  The entitlement is so high, as is pathological urge to punish and reject.  She also may be trying to make you look worse than her, hence the DV or child abuse claims.

Beware of being offered minimal parenting time and then your lawyer say, "Take it, we'll fix it later."  The problem is that pwBPD will delay and delay if it suits them.  Your lawyer may think it will get fixed with minimal delay, the reality is that if she has an agreement favorable for her then she will have every incentive not to gift you anything back.  My story, the court twice set me a standard dad's order with alternate weekends and an evening in between.  My lawyer said, "Shh, don't say anything, we'll fix it later."  Well later was at the end of the divorce nearly two years later.  He had estimated the divorce to be only 7-9 months, instead she delayed as much as she could and it turned out to be 23.5 months from date of filing to final decree.  And no relief along the way, court didn't change a thing, just moved us along to the next step.

Of course, your experience may be different.

[Lost in Desert]

Honestly, all of you have added so much value to my life, to my situation.  At this stage, the only thing that matters is that I get joint custody. I am not like a lot of fathers, who only want to see their child twice a month, every other weekend.  No Way.  I do not have other things I want to do.  I just want to spend time with my son.  So I will not settle.  I know what is fair, I know what is honestly in the best interest of the family, our son.  I do feel as if she has partly alienated me from my kid.  She is reaching out to my sister, giving me messages to do this or do that.  She also has reached out to my cousin so he can take the dog, because it was too much for her to tend to the child as well walk the dog twice a day, I knew that would happen.

So my lawyer in the DV aspect is very smart, very aware what we are doing.  The other side offered a No Cause Order and Supervised visits for a year, she did not have to even come back to me it was rejected.  My wife is smart and her mother is directing her how to proceed, how do I know this?  Her father and I are close, he lives in another state and we have spoken on the phone.  He can tell clearly his ex wife, my mother in law is behind this cause it MIRRORS what was done to him in 1981.  So I have to fight, if she wants to proceed this manner.  I also have a Divorce Lawyer waiting in the wings who has all my info, has all her info, and is ready to pounce.  She will bring out the past orders of protection vs various men, her arrest record and we will subpoena her mental health records and request an evaluation be done.  SO I hope my wife has a brain and realizes her past is cloudy and will not bode well.

I pray we do not go down this path.  But at this point, if she was willing to fabricate an order to get me out of the house and get her a leg up early on heading to Family Court, I do not trust anything.  Thus if we head to divorce or mediation, what is settled will be final, not altered.  Hence my thoughts for Joint Custody and I get him every weekend, we are going for Thursday Night thru Sunday, with me leaving him with her aunt so she can visit him freely on Fridays if she so chooses.

She is also moving at a snails pace to switch the bills in her name, so I am on the hook for them for now.

[Panda39]

So I will not settle.  I know what is fair, I know what is honestly in the best interest of the family, our son. 

The thing is this isn't entirely up to you.  If you mediate your wife's wishes will be involved or if you go through the courts both sides will be heard and the judge will decide. Either way I think you need to have realistic expectations.  You should not go in expecting to automatically get everything you want the way you want, as messed up as she might be your stbxw is still your son's mother and does have rights just as you do. 

Her father and I are close, he lives in another state and we have spoken on the phone. 

I would be careful here he is still her father and bringing him into this also puts you in the Drama Triangle which is not a healthy place to be.

She is reaching out to my sister, giving me messages to do this or do that.

Your stbxw is Triangulating here as well.

There seem to be a lot of other players involved here (upping the drama) so if this was me I would be very careful how much and with who I share information with.  You do not want to blow your own case by sharing something with someone who accidentally or on purpose decides to share it with your wife.

Think strategically, think long term, and keep your plans between you and your lawyer.

Panda39

[Lost in Desert]

Well, her lawyer has rejected a Mediation.  So my DV lawyer is looking into getting me a Lawyer who is great at settling quick, rather the Retainer and fight fight fight.  There is not much to settle here.  I had hoped for a mediation route, hence info is not public and we can sit and discuss the few items that have to be.  She countered that I would have my son Saturday Morning and Return him Sunday Night and have a 2 hour dinner visit on Thursdays.  This was rejected.  My wife works Saturdays, so why not give him to me Friday Night and then she can pick him up at my office Monday Morning and we are asking for a No Cause order for 6 months.  It ridiculous to think I have to settle for a NO Cause Order here.  But if this turns for the worst, I have a very aggressive lawyer, very skilled in TOUGH Divorces ready to pounce.  Plus, I have so much info my lawyer said she would be a fool to go down this path.  What you said, it was terrifies me.  Being that she is BPD, not really doing anything to help herself, with exception following her Grandparents idea that the Bible is great for you and that NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER.  They live in denial.  They fault her mother for the problem.  When in reality, it is one giant pile of crap.  Her mother mentally and emotionally abused and abandoned her almost since birth. 

SO right now, I am not sure what to expect.  My DV lawyer is very good at negotiations, but my soon to be ex thinks "HOLLYWOOD" mindset, so she may take joy in a court case, it gives her that drama that she feeds off in her life.  I am a low key guy, simply love to work, then head home. 

I am so worried my son will adopt her lifestyle.  That is why I mentioned to my DV lawyer, the she basically took my soon away for almost 11 days and left me in the dark.  Knowing that, is a direct reflection of how dark her mind, heart and soul can be.  Vengeful personality.  Especially since I have lived in a constant state of hell with her. 

I mean one time, I noticed our grocery bill was sky high, I found her to be spending $25 a week alone on grapes!  I basically told her that is 100 a month and maybe try to buy fruit that is in season, I even went so far to make a chart outlining the best time of the year to buy fruit.  How did she respond?  By pretending to kick me in the face, saying something like F you, going into the bedroom and locking the door behind herself for several hours. I just sat there shocked at her behavior.  This is just another example in a long line of her erratic behavior.  I am for the bible, but her reading the bible, calms her mind, but she is still a restless soul, trying to control her angst, she fails.

I pray she comes to her senses, rethinks the strategy she has taken.  It bugs me this whole EX PARTE system that is in place.  She should have won an academy award to get a judge to grant her a NO CONTACT order with no documented acts of abuse, or name calling on my part.  I know how, she claimed I abused my son, anyone knows me, knows that is a total lie.

SO God knows what is to come.  I want to be over this, so I can rebuild my life.  My running joke in all of this, she left me with 47 Cents in my bank account, hahaha.  Sad but true.

[kentavr3]

You have to find your priority. If your child is your value, she will ruin it. Do not look for logic. BPD needs to use you as a toilet. She wants judgment! THE  judgment! I had the same problem with overspending. 30 purchases per day, for the total sum of all spends per months 6000$. When I asked her why she did this  , she started yelling that if I think she is  bad wife. The same scenario.
 What happened to her childhood? Abusive parents? Raped? Molested?

[Lost in Desert]

Kent start from page one, follow my messages.   This is what drew me in, my goal to protect her from harm, but in the end, she harmed me greater than anyone could.  By going this Ex Parte way, to get me out of the house, next day sign my name off the lease.  And we have not spoken since May 24th.  So it is almost a month, no contact, I will not break the order. 

She has suffered greatly most of her life, her grandparents believe it is a miracle she survived infancy.

[Lost in Desert]

Ok, been a minute since I been on here.  But again, I think this website has helped me more than anything, so I thank all of you again.

So I have taken the Co-Parenting Course already, aced the test and have my certificate.  I did this before the Referee in Family Court offered the idea.  I am very proactive in life, figured why stop at this, I need to learn as much as I can.

So my friend who is my Family Court Lawyer has been going back and forth with my wife(hate writing that she is my wife).  But any how.  At first, they wanted me to accept a one year No Cause Order with Supervised visits.  We rejected that in a NY Minute.  I have never hurt my child, never would, so I see no reason in Supervised Visits, it has been a nuisance for my mom and sister for the past month.  So I countered, I want my son, Thursday Night thru Sunday Night, with No Cause Order.  That was rejected.  They Countered with a Weekday Dinner visit, and I get my son only Saturday Morning to Sunday Night.  Mind you, my wife works Saturday Morning and she struggles to tend to him and get ready for work, Diva mentality.  We rejected that. Our Counter Offer and my final offer is: I want my boy Friday Night thru Sunday Night and a dinner visit during the week, no supervision, No Cause Order.  We are at this point. Court is next Monday, our 4th time since May 24th.  My lawyer has repeatedly advised this is an easy divorce, nothing to fight about, plus it is PLAIN as day, this EX PARTE was done with one purpose, GET ME OUT OF THE HOME.  So the BPDW can move on in her life.  My sister who picks up the baby, drops him off, noticed that every time, my EX is always on her phone.  She believes she is being recorded, who cares I advise, not allowed.  But I also suspect my Soon to be ExBPD has moved on, at the very least emotionally.

SO now here is the bombshell.  This past Sunday, my sister drops off my son with my wife.  The Wife decides to start talking, I feel it is based on fear and the fact she has met her match.  I am stubborn, I will not bend the knee and I will not accept anything but what is fair.  Plus, my lawyer has mentioned, we have a lot of momentum going. 

She makes comments like:
 •   Sister assures her, that my son cries when he leaves her, and cries when he leaves me but once they pull away, Sister and him are chatter boxes with each other. 
•   Sister shares with her, how I am always saying; "Mommy and Dada love you, and Mommy is at work, cutting hair", why we need to be able to communicate.  I want to be able to wish him a good night and I hope she realizes it is good for her to call him and speak with him on her work days like we used to.  Co-Parenting uses this analogy often, how important it is to be able to call and wish him a good night, etc.
•   Wife feels Friday to Sunday is too long for son to be without his Mother.  What about the father?  She thinks son should only be with me one night a week!  Disturbing to say the least.  She then threatens Sister to talk to me, to get him to agree to Saturday Morning to Sunday Afternoon and a day during the week or she will keep maintaining this drop and pick up arrangement with my sister, who lives 30 minutes away. MANIPULATION.  She mentions his primary residence will be with her.  My sister CAN NOT keep doing this.  WE NEED TO HAVE THE ABILITY for I to pick up my son and drop him off, so my poor sister can be done being used as a pawn in Wife's twisted world.
•   Wife explains to my sister, that a child needs his mom and SHE CAN NOT be away from him for four days.  Friday Night thru a Sunday Night is not to much to ask.  I am wanting to be part of my sons life, I care little about anything else at this stage.
•   Again, she mentions to Sister, "Talk to your brother, we are heading to court next Monday and a decision will be made".  Again, I hope referee  see's thru this BS and grants me joint custody without supervision.
•   Wife then goes on to explain to Sister, How I should appreciate what wife has allowed.  Wife mentions how some Orders of Protection the father does not get to see their child.  OF COURSE this is true, if an Order of Protection is done with truth and merit, not a tool to get the person out of their life.  Hence, she has used this before, this Ex parte aspect of courts.
•   Wife goes on to say I should be glad for what she has allowed.  That most men only get their children get every other weekend.  Wife added that a boy needs his mom, MY SISTER JUMPS IN AND SAYS, THEY ALSO NEED THEIR FATHER.  Wife adds that I have him every weekend and that she always told me, that she would never try to keep son away from me, HENCE I SUSPECT her alienation ways are setting in.  May, she sets in motion all of this and not one word is shared with my parents, my sister about son for over 10 days.  This is a tell-tale sign of wife Manipulation skills. 
•   She adds that soon, son will be in school and when that happens I will only get son every other weekend!  She has this idea, she can do whatever she wants with our son with no input from me.  Wife I believe is shooting to get son into a school program by September, even though I often begged her let us be his influence, we can afford to put him in a school setting when he is age 4, not 2.  My sister ignored this ignorant comment, at this point, my sister was wanting to get away.
•   She adds at the end, how she hopes my sister does not view her as being ___y.  She just wants what is best for the child and that we both need to put the baby needs first.  He is still little.  She then finishes up with another masked threat: "OTHERWISE WE HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS BACK AND FORTH" 

[ForeverDad]

One of the weapons an acting-out person will use is an assortment of FOG aspects... .Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Seems she's using them all.  Fear of the current court case.  Obligation to conform to her view of what's best for the child.  Guilt that you or your sister would oppose her view of parenting.  Overall, she is trying to get you and your supporter to bend to her will, her determination to get what she wishes.  Control of parenting.  Obstruction of your parenting.  Sabotage of your parenting.

She will probably never see the light of reason and typical outcomes.  This is a time to work on the legal end, you can't convince her of anything, her emotional baggage is just too much for her to listen to you, so give the majority of your efforts to resolving things with those professionals who do recognize what is normal and can reason on what is reasonable.

Your sister should find a way to not discuss the case with your spouse.  As your relative she may not be permitted to speak beyond the very basics, as your stand-in it might be violating the rules of the current case.  I'm guessing it might be at her residence and she talks this before letting the child go?  How about trying a neutral exchange location, not her home turf?

Where are the exchanges?  I recall that my case was high conflict and during the divorce we exchanged at the local sheriff's offices.  Fortunately most hand-offs were done without extended talking.

[Skip]

Wife goes on to say I should be glad for what she has allowed.  That most men only get their children get every other weekend.  Wife added that a boy needs his mom, MY SISTER JUMPS IN AND SAYS, THEY ALSO NEED THEIR FATHER. 

High conflict isn't going to help - I would let the attorney do the talking and keep it all professional.

All the emotion aside... .

It sounds like you are arguing for 60/40. In your state this is the customary ruling:
https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/60-40/

This gives you Wednesday night through Saturday afternoon.

You could also ask for 50/50. This is how it looks in your state:
https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/

This gives you Wednesday night through Sunday afternoon.

I suggest that you continue to not focus on her, but continue to focus on your presentation of yourself to the court. The one question that will be needed to be answered is do you have a healthy and stable home to provide during your custody.

Are you ready for that?

[Lost in Desert]

Thanks Skip for the input.  I am staying at my Parents, big old traditional Greek home.  It is temporary.  But yes, it is a loving situation.  Plus I have a 12 year old Nephew there who adores my son, vice-versa.  The game plan is already set in motion, save money, but a home, once the divorce ink is dry. 

One thing I read: She always has to be the victim!  So that she is NEVER HELD ACCOUNTABLE in any aspect of her life. 

Skip I get what you say, but I am in a spider web of deceit.  My focus is now to personally grow, get pas this and provide what is best for my son. 

The Ex-Parte was done CLEARLY to get me out of the home, the allegations of abuse were levied to gain an advantage heading to Custody and potentially Divorce Proceedings.  But as my lawyer has pointed out, we have gained momentum at this stage.  Now, we sit and wait.

The fact the wife is only offering me ONE night is sad, shows her true colors.  Then she can turn around and say with a straight face, I AM NOT TRYING TO KEEP HIS SON FROM HIM!  What the F are you doing then.  I read in my coursework, Co-Parenting, the boy needs contact with his father, just as the girl needs contact with their mother. I just want is fair, I do want 50/50.  I think I am a great father, I have great patience and I am very consistent at parenting.  Like early on, my wife used to ask why does our son listen to me better.  I always said it is due to the fact, I never roll my eyes, I never sigh, I always give him the consistency with respect to praise or discipline.  I never waver, never claim to be tired.

We have not entered Divorce Proceedings yet, but I have a very, VERY aggressive lawyer who is great at bringing out truths in court.  This lawyer has reviewed everything and claims I have a very strong case.  I just want to move past all of this and do so in as good, positive manner as possible.

[takingandsending]

Lost,

Try not to put all your eggs in one basket. It sounds like you have your hopes very high that your upcoming court dates will rectify the injustice you currently feel - I bet you are going to protest and say not so, but that is how it reads to me. It's understandable to be angry - I'd be angry too if I couldn't see my child - but what folks here are suggesting is to put your well justified anger on the back burner, anticipate that the courts, just on recent evidence alone, may not see what a great father you are and may rule otherwise. And be ready emotionally to deal with that. If it's a better result, then great! But if, based on the drug tests, the RO and who knows what other stuff her lawyer is going to throw at you, the judge decides to maintain the current status quo or even place more limitations, can you accept that and move forward with making the next efforts necessary to work toward improved custody with your child? That is the mindset that you may need.

Believe me, my kids frequently tell me their mom is on the phone when they need her and want her, she's busy when I try to communicate stuff around the kids, and I believe I am a more consistent, more loving, more involved parent. But guess what? She has the greater percentage of custody, and she feels that she gifts me my time with my children and she has the right to make decisions without my involvement. And I have no desire to change her in the slightest. My only thought is toward being there for my sons, being consistent, documenting my time and all of the times xw asks me to take the kids on her parent time and eventually working toward equal or majority parenting time. Others here have warned, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there, take one step forward at a time, try not to expect too much but make use of what you have.

[Lost in Desert]

I haven't and thank you for the advice!  I expect the worst and hope for the best with respect to all of this.  Trust me, it has been an ugly 6 weeks.  My heart often hurts with wonder, how this woman could do this, make up lies, not speak to me and yet claim to be a Christian woman to anyone who listens.  She has admitted in court, that I am a great father.  So I just hope for the best.

I love being a father, I got into the game late, I am 44 now with a 2 year old.  So I have had the luxury of living a great life, been all over the world, played competitive basketball, workout warrior, but my highlight is when I can take them naps with my kid.  It is truly magical and a great experience.

I just keep praying and stay the course with truth.  But the system has shaken my beliefs, this whole Ex parte system feels like it is the 1800s.  I think it needs to be taken into context, who the info is coming from, there needs to be a tad bit more research before this Order is put out there.

The referee has seen her outbursts in court already.  If we do not settle, then trial is looming and my lawyer feels the pressure is too much for a person like her to handle.  We shall see.  But as pointed out, ALL of you have been truly a great help.

This BPD is fascinating in a negative sense, I truly do not hate my wife, I have no desire for hate.  What I do have is immense sadness for her, cause she can not see this for what it is.  She has to play the victim and thus never is held accountable.  Well like my lawyer said, I am stubborn and like people here advised, I will not bend the knee, I will stand until I feel what is fair.  My wife thinks I should get one night with my kid.  Like my lawyer said, they have seen drug addicts get custody of their children.  Here I am just wanting to be with my child consistently.

[ForeverDad]

Try not to put all your eggs in one basket. It sounds like you have your hopes very high that your upcoming court dates will rectify the injustice you currently feel... .It's understandable to be angry - I'd be angry too if I couldn't see my child - but what folks here are suggesting is to put your well justified anger on the back burner, anticipate that the courts, just on recent evidence alone, may not see what a great father you are and may rule otherwise. And be ready emotionally to deal with that. If it's a better result, then great! But if, based on the drug tests, the RO and who knows what other stuff her lawyer is going to throw at you, the judge decides to maintain the current status quo or even place more limitations, can you accept that and move forward with making the next efforts necessary to work toward improved custody with your child? That is the mindset that you may need.
... .Others here have warned, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there, take one step forward at a time, try not to expect too much but make use of what you have.

T&S made some good points here.  You want to be perceived as the person with solutions.  If all you have is complaints, that's all the courts and the professionals advising court will see.  Yes, there are lies and baseless claims there as well as some things for which you'll have to take ownership.  You can always ask for a review of your updated test results after another few months if things don't go as well as you wish now.  Be the problem solver, propose solutions.  Then you've done your best at this time and whether they utilize any of them is on them.  You've done what you could with the present circumstances.

My separated spouse made allegations too.  No one cared about me.  She made Threats of DV and she admitted it in municipal court.  She made unsubstantiated allegations against me in family court and no one paid me much attention.  In fact it took me a year and three tries in court to get access to my son's therapy records.  Turned out she was making allegations there too, I was improperly blocked but none of the professionals apologized.  Wasn't fair, but frankly court and the agencies are a judicial system, not a justice system.  Tough for sure but we've got to work with what we've got.

Near the end of our two year divorce this is what occurred between both lawyers and me (ex was in another room) just before we began our ordered settlement conference (that ended in about 5 minutes with her getting triggered and becoming threatening):

Be aware that there is a social presumption (perception?) against fathers being too involved with parenting.  Sort of, walk away, start a new life elsewhere, but leave your wallet behind.  So the result is that many fathers don't step forward.  When an acting-out PD is involved, the kids really need their stable parent to step forward despite obstructions.  I recall my Ex's lawyer saying he had alternate weekends, that it was fine for him and suggested it for us.  For once in my life I was ready with a zinger and replied, "I doubt my Ex would like alternate weekends."  That shut him up.

[Lost in Desert]

Also, how in the world is this WORLD FAIR, when my soon to be ex-wife is working today, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA who is with my son.  It makes me so angry and I feel the system is so flawed.  It bugs me at this very moment, knowing my wife is working, I have no idea who he is with, where he is, etc.  Not fair.  My wife feels she should have our son, due to the baby needs the mom more.  Well he is 2 1/2 years old.  He is not a baby and I want my son in my life.  She is shooting for me to have him only one night a week.  Not going to happen, I will not accept that, whatever I have to do, I WILL DO.

So mind boggling.

[takingandsending]

Still coaching patience, here. When you get to making a parent plan, you will address things like this by including right of first refusal clauses. Standard is anything over 4 hours care provided outside of parent requires providing other parent right of first refusal for care of child that day.

And more likely than not, when you reach that point, your ex will not notify you, even as you play by the rules. That is happening to me right now. My xw does not really understand that ROFR applies to her as well as me. But, I keep my cool, and keep working it through the collaborative team that I am in so that they can tell her she is violating our agreement, not me.

This isn't about fair and unfair. I really don't recommend making it so. It's understandable that you are in the midst of sorting this out still as your changes came about through an unexpected RO. But you want to be the problem solving, flexible, reliable and receptive parent in the eyes of the court. Railing at the system won't help your case. However, you can do that to your heart's content on the boards here. And for my part, I understand that you are angry that your son is with someone and you have no say. Bothers me too when my wife arranges for helpers. ROFR will be your ally, and you can use it more to your advantage when you show that she is the one violating the agreement, not you.

[Lost in Desert]

Hi.  Here is our counter offer regarding custody/visitation:
Currently, Sat 8:30 am - Sun 6:00 pm every week;
When child is three, one weekend a month, the father will have the child Fri 6:00 pm - Sun 6:00 pm week one, and Sat 8:30 am - Sun 6:00 pm; weeks two, three and four;
When child is four, the weekends alternate Fri 6:00 pm - Sun 6:00 pm, weeks one and three and Sat 8:30 am - Sun 6:00 pm, weeks two and four;
When child is five, the weekends with alternate Fri at 6:00 pm - Sun 6:00 pm ; mid week visit for dinner;


That was the offer given back to me. So safe to say, my soon to be EX Wife is going to now face the music.  I have tried very hard to play nice, but now as my DV Lawyer stated, it is time to take off my gloves get the divorce lawyer.

[ForeverDad]

At age 5 your son is likely to be starting kindergarten or perhaps preschool before even that.  Wouldn't it make sense to go Friday PM to Monday AM when he begins school?  That way, except on Monday holidays, you can pick him up Friday from school or daycare and drop him off Monday at school or daycare.  That would enable fewer in-person encounters with her.

My county has a guidelines document.  Though not enforceable, it lists recommended schedules, one for children under 3 with frequent visits, ages 3 to early teens with either equal time (2-2-3 schedule) or longer alternate weekends, and older teens who may need even more of a single home base.

Moving so slowly to standard scheduled time is concerning to me.  However, you are getting time on each weekend, something most of us don't get.  What if she changes careers and wants to cancel the every weekend piece?

[Lost in Desert]

Our offer was fair, I am wanting to be part of my kids life.  I wanted him Friday Night until Sunday Night.  Which we felt was fair, instead she comes back with this offer.  Well, I rejected it immediately, in fact my lawyer did for me.  So now we have to meet with a Divorce lawyer, to group the DV case and the Divorce Case together.  The DV will be tossed out immediately due to the appearance the wife has done this to get me out of the home.  Now she is not being reasonable.

The Divorce lawyer I will have is WELL known for being aggressive in court, getting people to wilt and get orders removed.  We hope to have the Supervised visits removed on Monday so my poor sister does not have to drive 30 minutes one way to pick up my son, or my mom can have her weekends back to visit her sisters, go to Church.

My Ex Wife is not being reasonable and it is shocking to my lawyer currently she is going down this path.  She admits, she has little knowledge of BPD, where my Divorce Lawyer does.

My Divorce lawyer stated it will be a big mistake on the Ex-Wife part to not accept our custody offer, cause once in Court, we will then hammer out a 50-50 split. 

I am now angry.

[Lost in Desert]

When in doubt, get a BULLDOG of a lawyer.  At this stage, I had done what is honorable at this time.  I paid the bills, followed the Original Order of Protection, even though it was based not on truths and merits.  It has been a painful journey.  Today, the path took a different turn.

At Court, we caught her lawyer kind of in a lie.  MY NEW lawyer, basically advised we will be seeking to remove the case from the Family Court and moving it to Supreme Court for Divorce, Custody and Child Support.  My wife lawyer stated she filed on Friday.  My Lawyer jumped up and said, WRONG, I checked Friday, nothing was filed, but I did file today for Divorce.  My wife will be served today.  Our hope is now the pressure will begin to mount. 

So I now get my child every weekend, overnights and I get a dinner visit with him during the week.  We are no longer needing to have supervised visits. 

She tried to raise up other elements, but each time it was squashed.  Like the fact she claims I do not change my sons diaper often.  The past Saturday he arrived and had a diaper full of pop.  It was not the 15 minute ride that resulted in him having a rash, who knows how long he had the diaper on.  I KNEW she would try to play this card.  It was squashed.  She still trying to play the victim card. 

I have to do another evaluation, since the first came back inconclusive, which is fine, cause I am doing great.  I have no desire to have herb part of my life, since I am no longer under the constant barrage of pressure from my wife and her BPD.

I did feel bad, I can tell she is tired.  She did try to mention we can discuss bills via text, my lawyer squashed that, Bills will be discussed in Divorce Court, I am not to pay anything for her going forward.  July 31st, she will have a new residence and then I have no more bills in my name.

My new lawyer read all of my attempts, this and that.  It is sad, she is fully aware of BPD, said there is no cure, only Cognitive Behavior Help and if she does not seek help, her behaviors will continue to repeat.

So my advice to anyone going thru this, stay the course, stay positive and the truth will rise.  It may take time, but it will catch up.

Today, I feel much better, knowing I can finally have my boy over nights. 

[DoxieLover]

Hi there!

I've been reading your story and I am sorry to hear of all the heartache that you have been going through.  It sounds like you have a great attorney who can help you now so that's awesome!

I just wanted to chime in on one thing which is the ROFR (Right of First Refusal) that others have mentioned.  I advise you to strongly consider whether or not you really want it for several reasons:
1 - most likely your ex wife will NOT follow it but will nail you to the cross about it every chance she gets and then try to use it to say you are a bad dad for not being available 24X7 to your son.
2 - It creates a TON of enmeshment especially if it kicks in after only four hours.  I don't know where you live but I live in a large city. So 4 hours isn't enough time to travel to/from and play 18 holes of golf.  Not saying you play golf or even want to but my point is... .do you really want to be required to report to your wife every time you have plans for more than four hours until your son is 18?  (If you ever want to date again, 4 hours including travel time doesn't allow for a very long date.)
3 - In the same vein as above, my husband has an irregular work schedule.  His parents (my stepdaughters' grandparents) live 3 hours away by plane.  So, with a 4 hour ROFR, I wouldn't be able to take my stepdaughters to see their grandparents unless my husband was able to be with us the whole time.  Yes, of course, he would come with us to see them but there have been a few occasions where it would have been handy if I could take the kids earlier due to cheaper flights and he (my husband) could come meet us a few hours later when he got off work. Unfortunately, due to 4 hour ROFR, we had to pass up these opportunities.


So just my thoughts but if you get equal time or even 60/40 split, better for your time to be your time and her time to be her time (Ie - no ROFR).  It's hard to not know where your child is but easier to accept that than dealing with a BPD Ex who is verbally abusive at every opportunity.  Less enmeshment equals less opportunity for her to abuse you.

Seems like I wanted to mention something else but I'm old and forgetful so I'll post it later if/when I remember.

Take care and good luck!
Doxie 

[Lost in Desert]

Im not sure about the ROFR, but I do not want certain people watching my son.   Mainly her mother and evil step father, well hell, both are evil.

So Yesterday she dropped my son off at my office and that was the first time we have spoken to one another since May 23rd.

I did not go to her window, I can see her messing with her phone, I am 100% she set it up to record our interaction as she has done so with my sister being the one picking up and dropping off my son for the past 6 weeks.

So I go to grab my son out of the vehicle, she leans back to say, 7pm you will return him right.  I simply respond Yes.  Of course I am nervous, she then asks me, "how are you doing"?  I respond short and direct but obviously showing a little emotion, it is all upsetting.  I say, "I am doing as good as I can"

These dinner visits are hard, he is only 2 1/2 so he is not fond of eating in a restaurant, etc.  He loves his Vegetables and pasta.  So I run to my parents, 15 minute drive then proceed to feed him in a rush, then head back to my wife apartment.

My sister follows me there.  I text her, I am here.  She comes out and I have my son at her door step.  She sees my sister and asks, "Why is your sister here"?  I said one word, :SECURITY", she claims that it is ok cause it is in the order now.  She also adds REALLY, like shocked I had someone with me.  She gives me a gift that my son had made in Church Group.  She then helps my son say Goodbye, see you laters and love you's.

So our first exchange was odd.  It almost like this is a game to her.  She thinks I can trust her, SHE CLAIMED I ABUSED MY SON.  It will be a long road for me to forgive and to trust again. 

It is early, but I know she was served the Divorce Docs from my side.