Part 2: Order of Protection. No Contact, No 500 feet of my child, her, work, YMCA and I was removed

[formflier]

 
I would advise against any thinking of "she may have seen the light... ." etc etc.

Focus your thinking on boundaries and "enforceability".  Be aware she will likely be reasonable for a while, as she sorts out he recent "loss".

Given time she may twist it up and "blame" you... .with associated accusations.

Be ready... .be vigilant.

FF

[Lost in Desert]

It already happening.  I went to school to teach and I am a firm believer to allow a toddler to be a toddler, let school set in at age 4.  Not age 3.  So my EX would like to put our son in the YMCA Pre-Pre School Setting, which I am against.  I say, let him be a kid, play and teach more of our values and morals vs others.  Join groups at the Library or playgrounds or continue to use the YMCA kid play room set up, vs a 3 hour structured learning environment.  She then comes back at me calling me pathetic, cheap and saying I do not want to pay the $100 per month fee.

So I explain why, summarizing what I wrote above with brief details from a friend who has taught 15 years.

She then demands I take him and her shopping at an outlet mall.  She tells me his shoes are tight.  Mind you, I am at my parents house, I gave her ALL household items, so when I move into my own home, I am literally doing that empty handed.  Plus, I would like to get my son his own set up at my place, clothes, etc.  Shouldn't her child support she receives being used for that.

She is a very angry person.  She didn't say one word to me yesterday dropping off my son, picking him up, she had all these rules, put him in sweat pants, don't let him play outside, make sure he is wearing the hoodie, etc.   Make sure you feed him.  Lord help me, this woman will be a thorn in my side for many years.

I basically ignore her threats, insults, and simply tell her what the deal is, and good day.  I do not get into the whole, insult back and forth thing.  She tried to destroy me and take my son away and the court saw thru it.  Now I must learn how to handle the situation so she can control her emotional outbursts.

[formflier]

I would advise you to be a bit pragmatic about preschool.

Would him being in  preschool result in more or less time "under the influence" of a pwBPD?

Personal experience here.

Never in a million years would of I thought I would put my kids in preschool, when my wife is early childhood education degreed person.

Yet... D4 has been going for two years.  I don't tell me my the "real" reason I push for it... .but this child is better there... .than in the other situations we could offer now.

I say all this because I agree "in theory" with your statements about early childhood education.  Yet... .theory and pwBPD meet in odd ways... .

Again... .pragmatism is key.

FF

[Lost in Desert]

Thank you, I guess what appears to be logical to me, I must toss aside and think differently.  That will take some training.  It just odd, she tells me 1hr ago he needs shoes, then starts calling me all these names.  Mind you, she been getting child support at a higher amount than expected.  Her anger is baffling to me.

I have to read up on how to deal with this type of person, post divorce.

[formflier]

 
BIFF

www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses/78-hci-articles/published-articles/87-responding-to-hostile-email

[ForeverDad]

My ex stated she was going to home school.  I knew that was fraught with risks and dangers, I didn't want my child isolated from people in general and children especially.  (Our separation and divorce was awash in her "Me and My Child Against the World" perceptions.)  I feel most courts would probably see daycare and preschool as good ways for the children to socialize with other children their age.  Compared to the controlling, demanding and isolationist tendencies of many pwBPd (people with BPD), it is understandable that many here see some time spent with other kids as overall better than more time with pwBPD.

One danger to avoid is getting a blanket court order where you are told to pay for the ex's choices such as schooling.  Several years ago there was a member here who signed a parenting settlement where the father was to pay school expenses and mother made the decisions.  Sounds typical, right?  Father was figuring it would just be minimal and affordable annual public school fees.  Well, almost immediately mother enrolled their son into a private school and father was presented with a huge tuition bill.  Father said No, he stays in public school.  It went back to court and the court said what mother had done was legal and father had to pay the high tuition bills, despite being a hardship for him.

Similar reports about college expenses are reported here too, when our members are required to pay for those educational costs.  Of course the disordered parent is prone to make sure the children apply to private, expensive ivy league schools with inflated tuition.  One solution is to make sure any settlements include language that the parent's responsibility be capped at the equivalent amount needed for an inexpensive local college or university.

Do you see that we need to think ahead, sometimes years ahead, to avoid unexpected but predictable surprises?

[livednlearned]

Her anger is baffling to me.

It's probably baffling to her, too.

[Lost in Desert]

The judge in our case squashed that attempt by my EX.  The judge ruled any monies towards college would be done so on each person's own. Meaning, I save when I can, she save when she can towards his college education.  The arrangement now is this: Any school or medical or major decision with our son, we have to discuss and come to an agreement.  If we can not, the court stated that an expert would have to be used to issue a final say.

So she can not just decide to put him where she wants and stick me with the bill.  She must seek my input as well. The judge cut off her lawyer as she was attempting to argue for me to pay this, that and everything.  I have a meeting with my lawyer coming up, she is drawing up the divorce docs for me to sign.  SO I will ask questions, cause to me, there was not a whole lot of back and forth in court.  Now I do know background checks and law enforcement checks were done on both of us, so maybe stuff in there came out and helped him in his decision. 

My lawyer warned me, she will be coming out very angry soon towards me, she guessed within 72 hours.  She has dealt with BPD cases several times in her career and stated they are the worst people, in divorces.  So a matter of fact, my wife mentioned yesterday via text that I did not contribute anything towards my sons school or bought him a new pair of sneakers.  What is odd, she can introduce this claim to me, like he started school yesterday and in the next message begin to insult me that I did not contribute or buy him new sneakers.  Even though I KNEW nothing about his enrollment at the YMCA.  So strange! 

Sorry livednlearned, I do not think she has the emotional intelligence to comprehend that she even has anger or it registers that she has anger.  My last message to her was to leave me be, stop insulting me, stop saying this and that. 

I have to learn the BIFF method and stick to it.  It hard due to the way she attempts to drag me into her world with her insults.  But I am strong and I can stand in her storm!