Advice

[Zoaron]

Holy cow ㅇㅅㅇ
Did you ask him how long it is if you ran amok and smashed his keyboard into the monitor?
Unbelievable... 4 months?

I might be just doing that by the time the 4 months are up.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Might also be signs of a migraine.  They are not limited to just pain and light sensitivity.  Over the last several years mine are more typified by sluggish thinking (I can feel myself get stupid) and sometimes I lose part of my field of vision or see squiggly lines of light, get nauseous, and overall feel weak, or sick, smell things that are not there.  Sometimes the full blown pain will come later, sometimes I can drink coffee and gatorade and lie down in the dark and it goes away.  For migraines, the term "aura" can mean pretty much any symptom that is not just pain in your head - often it meant visual disturbances, but I've seen other symptoms refered to as an aura, too. 

Stress can bring these on - I sued to get them every single day in 9th grade when my parents were at their most violent with each other.  I did not want to go home and face them, so my body tried to shut down at about 3PM each day. 

[Gumiho]

We finally had a conversation. GumihoGf lectured Gumiho badly.
  Over 40 minutes she stabbed me with a million spears. In a calm tone too (scary annoyed tone) over all the time.

  She said she wanted to break up today, her heart went far away, she can't marry me (basically breaking off our engagement and saying she never agreed, and that it must have been a misunderstanding) and that she can't see me as a man are just the top 4 stabs. ... .she did that a couple of times before, but we always got back good, for my bleeding and pleading so to say.
  I confessed my abandonment fears once again, though idk if she understood, I told her why that is, and that I still love her. I repeated many times that thanks to learning about this we didn't fight for 3 weeks straight. (She said she doesn't want a 15 y/o boyfriend, though I am almost 40, my age improved, she said I'm a 6 y/o before. ).

  Then she kept dwelling on why she can't marry me, asking me how long does she have to wait (I'm student still w/o money, and she's old school Korean - meaning the hubby has to buy the house and the wife buys the interior, pretty normal in Korean society for our generation, and makes sense too, we both want children and that costs a sh*tload of money here. This doesn't apply for younger couples after all.), and she told me that if I really loved her, I would have to let her go (I told her that myself). - I only told her that we can marry today, if it was me.

  Then she kept digging up the reason for her major split four months ago. Back then, for my skin conditions sake, she borrowed me a lot of money to go for a trip abroad, to get some much needed sun and sea air (both are super benefical for my skin and that was my topmost reason why I moved to Korea too... high humidity, short winters and a lot of sun). I gratefully took on that offer, after a preceding fight over 2 months about why I wouldn't want to accept money of my gf - where money gets involved friendship ends - stupid Gumiho finally caved in to endless nagging despite previous bad experiences in former life.
  Anyways back then (last February) we started a huge argument as soon as I landed in the vacation destination. What a retarted move - I JADEd about her falling asleep on me not wishing me a good flight even once in the nignt before, and asked her what if I died from an airplane crash, she replied "die well", which caused me to snap and say a trigger word (I see you want to fight), both taking it way too personal, she hung up on me. Which ended in a full fledged messenger fight including her usual break up threats.
  Eventually she fell asleep and I proceeded to airport and left the country. As soon as I landed in the destination, she called me continuing the fight and it ouch well ended up in a change on how to pay back the money, me whining about how she ruined my vacation before it started and me hanging up on her for the first time in our history (multiple times) - I was so fed up by her nagging and continuous break up threats while staggering through a tropical rainstorm with a huge suitcase of things and no umbrella - bad combination, small issue got elephantized, so typical. I ended up hearing daily lectures about what a bad person I am for taking her money yet start an argument for 7 days straight. I was painted blackhole-pitch-black and it took me 4 months to bend it back. Finally getting over it gf pulled it back up. -_- also typical

  That wasn't enough, she told me we could be friends but never a couple again, just before. But that's my boundary, I don't want to be friends and not a couple (impossible to me).

  Still processing her lecture. She then said she needs to sleep, but since I need to keep talking I am an egoist, so I told her to sleep.

  I managed to refrain from JADEing, 95%, yay. I survived

[Gumiho]

coffee and gatorade

Antagonists? Interesting, I get the Gatorade which is hydrating and should to some degree improve blood flow in narrowed blood vessels, but coffee?
And you mentioned "lie down in the dark"... ow~ you don't have a sun allergy, do you?
A high school friend had that, migraine coming with a special sunlight angle, only in spring and fall, in my home country... .D:

[Zoaron]

We finally had a conversation. GumihoGf lectured Gumiho badly.

I managed to refrain from JADEing, 95%, yay. I survived

Wow... .that's all I have to say is wow.  I guess the main thing is surviving.

I'm posting an update in my thread for me.

[Gumiho]

She just blew up at me again, it's truly like she's a different person when she's angry.
Again, I validated her to no end. All she heard was me invalidating her even though I didn't.
And the length... she's been painting me ultra-pitch-black for an entire week already, and when I address it (that blocking my phone number means I am a bad guy in her eyes, to me), she twists it to no end and puts it as I was saying something bad about her. (guess Gumiho is painted uber-super-blackhole-pitch-black again)

Here's more prying into Gumiho's life (got drawn into a new cycle of our circular argument);

She said that now she truly thinks I am insane, and now it would truly be over for her. (as so many times before)
I countered that I'm trying my best and she still thinks I'm the epitome of evil and want only bad for her, at the same time she says blocking me is to protect herself. Not that I'm a bad guy, in the same breath she says I'm a horrible person.
I revalidate saying I understand her frustration with me (even though it's a blatant lie to myself), I re-empathy and say that I too would be frustrated, and I address that in truth I just miss her.
At the same time she says again that blocking is for herself.
I said I'm scared that she will block me again for 2 months. And that I just miss her! miss talking to her.
Then again she calls me a 6 years old. And that we're done. And that she understands now that I truly am a sh*t man.
I call her name. I miss you, and I'm trying to be good for her but she's just mad at me. (didn't reach)
Then she tells me that I didn't understand.
So I said - well yes? so help me please, you know everything of me.
She blurts out that we're already over.
I revalidate, saying I understand her frustration.
She said I should tell everything to her sister, despite big sister doesn't want to know, as I did before.
I said that I won't do that. And that I understand she is feeling first, then forms an opinion. I however make an opinion first and then "feel".
She said she was perfectly reasonable (seriously she doesn't get it AT ALL).
I said I think we're a match, like + and - (truth).
She said she got like this more and more since I travelled abroad in February, not because of her emotions (she's unable to tell reality from imaginary world).
I said that I understand her very well. That she said I was disturbing her, yet I wouldn't want to disturb her of course  (validating, validating and validating). So I asked when she thinks we were able to talk. and...
She (finally) replied Gumiho's question with "when Gumiho knows he gave GumihoGf many bad things".
I said (and... .she fell into my word); that I don't want to break up.
GumihoGf; please don't do that anymore.
Gumiho; I'm sorry

Thus Gumiho broke free from the cycle. For now.
Really, this is gratewandering on a 1mm line between insanity and sane realm pure. So exhausting. GumihoGf is going to get at him later. I know it...
AHHHHHH!1 *curls up*

[Gumiho]

She just told me to delete my profile photo on facebook, it shows her too. The photo was there since early 2016 and everybody knows.
I told her to readd me on facebook in return. (new boundary, since gf says that we are "broken up". I set the photo to "friends only" for now

I wonder if I should comply, or is that blackmailing if I don't?

[Zoaron]

She just told me to delete my profile photo on facebook, it shows her too. The photo was there since early 2016 and everybody knows.
I told her to readd me on facebook in return. (new boundary, since gf says that we are "broken up". I set the photo to "friends only" for now

I wonder if I should comply, or is that blackmailing if I don't?

Honestly, I think you may be pushing the wrong buttons here.  If you have the picture still, what harm can it be to remove it?  You can always re-add it later.  And don't take this the wrong way, but boundaries are supposed to protect you from things that offend or hurt you.  Having her not on your friend list won't do either.  It's more satisfying a need to keep her around one way or another rather than letting her have her space so she can calm down and come out of her trigger/rage.  In my view, the best option, as hard as it may be, is to step back and leave her be, let her have her time to calm down.  As a BPD, chances are she will start to pull you in again.  Whether it's one or two days, or a week or two.  I sent my friend a message with a mention to come talk to me when she can talk to me civil, and blocked her on everything for a couple hours so she couldn't continue the argument.  And since she's come back, I've decided to use the SET method of talking to her when I can sense her getting upset.  I've done it once and it seemed to work quite well rather than just using straight validation.

[Gumiho]

Her deleting me from her friendlist on facebook is an act to to torment me, knowing what a huge status symbol it is to me, I took that very personal.

Anyway she now decided to dump me again, for using SET, it enraged her. And she sounded very serious this time, completely engrossed in her distorted world. It seems she got there because I gave her that week of "distance".

I'm in deep shock. I don't even know if I should be happy or sad about this. Going to church now and thank god for making me meet somebody like this.
Happy Sunday morning.

[Gumiho]

Not "status symbol" ... I meant "symbolic value".
I'm working in IT field and spend a lot of time online. Even more so because I don't have many friends and am alone most of the time. My SO was a 100% fulltime job that didn't allow me to cultivate friendships.

From rock bottom,
Gumiho

[Gumiho]

Zoaron -- you're right. I deleted the photo when I read your reply. Thanks for the reality check. I'm in la-la-land.

She just called me - while I was on toilet - with no further ado (phone rang a whole 3 seconds) - I sped out like lightning struck but, de nada

[Zoaron]

Zoaron -- you're right. I deleted the photo when I read your reply. Thanks for the reality check. I'm in la-la-land.

She just called me - while I was on toilet - with no further ado (phone rang a whole 3 seconds) - I sped out like lightning struck but, de nada

It could be all that's needed.  As for boundaries, an example of the one I use is that if she starts to insult me and everything I do or have done with her, I tell her that basically 'I refuse to be treated like a piece of ----, when you can talk to me civil, I won't be talking at all and I'll be blocking you for a bit so don't bother continuing to argue'.   And I follow through with what I said I'd do in the boundary. This will give her that time to calm down and hopefully get out of her rage.  And when she's back to herself again, then she can pull me back.  And like I said, for her, it usually lasts 2-3 days.  Obviously it may be different for others, but this is my experience.

On a related note, my experience also is that if she tries to contact you within the next 12-24 hours after the initial block I've done, it's just to try and restart that rage cause it hasn't fully cooled off yet.   But again, everyone is different.

[Gumiho]

Exactly those are (ex?)gf's tactics to win any argument. Exactly that's what I'm trying to get under control.
She needs to blow off all that's on her chest which usually are insults directed at me. And I'm supposed to eat it all, no matter what button she's pushing.

If I walk away she'd skew me for not listening, if I say something she has to pay back 1000 fold for "not winning". I was so close a week ago.
But her silence treatment after that broke my neck, I started to complain the next day. (as in chat log a week ago)

Of course holding it in for 24 hours is nothing and null for her, if I address just a hint of her injustices puked.  
I really need to work on that more... .if... .

[lostandconfused6]

It could be all that's needed.  As for boundaries, an example of the one I use is that if she starts to insult me and everything I do or have done with her, I tell her that basically 'I refuse to be treated like a piece of ----, when you can talk to me civil, I won't be talking at all and I'll be blocking you for a bit so don't bother continuing to argue'.   And I follow through with what I said I'd do in the boundary. This will give her that time to calm down and hopefully get out of her rage.  And when she's back to herself again, then she can pull me back.  And like I said, for her, it usually lasts 2-3 days.  Obviously it may be different for others, but this is my experience.

On a related note, my experience also is that if she tries to contact you within the next 12-24 hours after the initial block I've done, it's just to try and restart that rage cause it hasn't fully cooled off yet.   But again, everyone is different.

I wish i could do that i fear if i tell him i'll block him he will just punish me further by not speaking to me for a few days or longer... .that's where i get so confused about the abandonment issues... .is it just a sometimes thing? do all BPDs have it?... .but then again he has admitted to me he says he will leave when we fight "to beat me to the punch" sometimes... .

We have been a lot better though i will see a rage about to begin and i shut it down and tell him he isn't going to speak to me like that or twist my words and he's been responding very well to that. Not getting my hopes up that it will last but it's nice for now

[Zoaron]

I wish i could do that i fear if i tell him i'll block him he will just punish me further by not speaking to me for a few days or longer... .that's where i get so confused about the abandonment issues... .is it just a sometimes thing? do all BPDs have it?... .but then again he has admitted to me he says he will leave when we fight "to beat me to the punch" sometimes... .

We have been a lot better though i will see a rage about to begin and i shut it down and tell him he isn't going to speak to me like that or twist my words and he's been responding very well to that. Not getting my hopes up that it will last but it's nice for now

When I mentioned the blocking in my boundary, I gave a time line to how long I wound keep the block up and a why I was doing it and that I will be here for them afterwards.  When those are included, then it portrays that you're not abandoning them.  Abandonment is a very common thing in a lot if not all people with BPD.  That's my impression from everything I've read here, in books, and from personal experience.  It's like they're the ones doing the abandoning even though their the ones that done want the abandonment. Almost like reverse psychology in a way.

[lostandconfused6]

When I mentioned the blocking in my boundary, I gave a time line to how long I wound keep the block up and a why I was doing it and that I will be here for them afterwards.  When those are included, then it portrays that you're not abandoning them.  Abandonment is a very common thing in a lot if not all people with BPD.  That's my impression from everything I've read here, in books, and from personal experience.  It's like they're the ones doing the abandoning even though their the ones that done want the abandonment. Almost like reverse psychology in a way.

Honestly that is 1 of the most frustrating things to me about it... .now that he's admitted while he does it i dont have the melt downs that i used to but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear... .he has been better though for the last 2 weeks about not saying it

[Gumiho]

It's so damn frustrating it drives me nuts.
Mine now been NC again for the whole day (after trying to call me twice yesterday).

[Zoaron]

Honestly that is 1 of the most frustrating things to me about it... .now that he's admitted while he does it i dont have the melt downs that i used to but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear... .he has been better though for the last 2 weeks about not saying it

I've read that some BPD people have a tendency for having narcissistic traits, so this could fall under this category.

[Zoaron]

It's so damn frustrating it drives me nuts.
Mine now been NC again for the whole day (after trying to call me twice yesterday).

I know what you mean about it being frustrating.  It's damn hard on the heart.  Be strong and let her pull you in when she's ready.  That's my two cents.

[Gumiho]

I know what you mean about it being frustrating.  It's damn hard on the heart.  Be strong and let her pull you in when she's ready.  That's my two cents.

I'm scared that might never happen... her initial episode is almost two weeks ago~ One week after that she had two intermediate consecutive blow ups just cause I tried to validate her while she ranted, until she spat the (final?) "I see we really need to break up now".

  I'm waiting of course, randomly checking on her (I have to do that, so she's aware I still exist), but it's so hard on me~ now that it's summer break (skin flaring up like crazy too ._.) ... .despite me telling her countless times how I suffer from her threats and NC, she still does it. Either she isn't aware (doesn't care), or she actually wants me to roast in hell. Both are so cruel and frustrating.

  I'm kinda clinging to what she once told me (long ago) that if she really broke up with someone, she would disappear completely. It's my last hope that she's only NCing.

meh.

[lostandconfused6]

I've read that some BPD people have a tendency for having narcissistic traits, so this could fall under this category.

oh for sure in his case, for the longest time i was convinced he was a narcissist but he never had all the traits. Then i discovered BPD and it hit the nail on the head.

[Gumiho]

I don't know if my SO truly has BPD, she just matches all the descriptions up to self injury (though that might manifest different areas, she starts picking off her silvers when she's in aroused mental state, claiming it doesn't hurt even though her fingertips bleed).
  Well mrs.gumiho told me recently that she's blocking me to "protect herself", but that's another pair of shoes (given my rage calling as an answer to her sudden hanging up, in her raging-bull mode), I failed to accept that she hung up on me to prevent arguments escalating even more. It's still unacceptable behavior to me (hanging up and blocking), though learning about BPD, I just should have let her deal with her emotions in hindsight, not trying to help her controlling them, which most definitely added to her rage most often. So much to my part in this.
  Mine never apologized even once, it was ALWAYS me, if that's not narcissism, what is it then? Her tendency to be infallible and telling me that even if she was wrong I have to apologize, narcissism pure, escaping (self created) arguments, even if pwBPD
see their emotions hurt, by blocking. That can't be it. To reinforce a boundary, I don't have that freedom. She literally turns into a supernova if I block her (tried that once, ouch). Also her view that she can do everything she wants, hanging up, blocking, being rude, while I "obviously" can't. NBPD. Oh well... .

[Tattered Heart]

Locking thread due to length. New topic start for Part 2