Tips on calling the Police in a Custody Dispute

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm going through hell ... .

These last months I received much pressure both from my ex and from the mediator to go 50/50. I gave in to have a 50/50 split of physical custody on daytime. But I am refusing to go 50/50 during the night. I am still breastfeeding our 8 months old daugther.

He won't accept that she can't have overnights yet. So tomorrow night he wants to keep her.

I will ring at his door in the evening to get my daugther. I have invited a friend as a witness.
If he doesn't return the child I want to call the police.

But he will twist and turn the truth and it's all my fault, in his opinion. He will tell lies to the policemen, he will present himself as the loving dad and I am the abusive gatekeeper mother.

Any advice?

[SettingBorders]

I'm going through hell ... .

These last months I received much pressure both from my ex and from the mediator to go 50/50. I gave in to have a 50/50 split of physical custody on daytime. But I am refusing to go 50/50 during the night. I am still breastfeeding our 8 months old daugther.

He won't accept that she can't have overnights yet. So tomorrow night he wants to keep her.

I will ring at his door in the evening to get my daugther. I have invited a friend as a witness.
If he doesn't return the child I want to call the police.

But he will twist and turn the truth and it's all my fault, in his opinion. He will tell lies to the policemen, he will present himself as the loving dad and I am the abusive gatekeeper mother.

Any advice?

[HopefulDad]

If I'm understanding you correctly, you have a custody order that clearly states 50/50 is for daytime hours and that you have custody of at least your 8 month old daughter overnights?  If not, you don't have too much to stand on.

If so, bring a copy of the current custody order to the pickup.  If he refuses to turn over your daughter (and other children, if any) as written in the order, call the police.  Wait patiently on the sidewalk for the police to arrive.  Upon their arrival, explain the situation, show them the court order and let them do their job with your ex.

If you're lucky, the police will take action or persuade your ex to turn over the child(ren) to you.  But don't be shocked if they don't; Even despite showing them a custody order that your ex violates, the police may simply say to you, "I'm sorry, but this is a matter for the family court."  and you'll be forced to leave without your child(ren).  If that happens, please ask the police to still file a report of some kind so this is on record.  Then your next step is to call your lawyer and file a contempt of court charge against your ex for violating the custody order.  The police report will be your evidence.  After that, it's up to the family court to decide how to handle.

[SettingBorders]

Thank you, HopefulDad,

my situation is a bit different. Here in Germany you have to do the mediation process before you can go to court. They don't like to see you at court before you haven't tried anything else, or major issues appear. We are right in the middle of mediation and there is no written order.

These last months our daugther was living with me and he had her one full day plus two half days every week. Last time in mediation he disclosed that he wanted her 5 full days and nights a week. I rejected that and offered 50/50 on daytime, but the nights still with me als long as I am breastfeeding. He's not okay, that she shouldn't have overnights, so he announced to me that he would keep her tomorrow.

I talked to a social worker and she told me that the police would talk to him and if there was no solution, a staff member of Jugendamt (Child Services) would come, too, to talk to both of us and resolve the issue. I think I can't loose as long as there will be a report, my attorney can work with lateron.

But what I fear is that he will be kissing as**s when the police is there ... .and his rage afterwards ... .

[HopefulDad]

Well, I think your plan of calling the police and having the Jugendamt come is the only recourse you have so go with that.  Hopefully things work out on the spot should they need to be called.

Yes, he'll kiss a**.  Yes, he may rage afterwards.  Don't let that deter you, though.  True strength is doing what's right despite knowing there will be negative feedback.

[SettingBorders]

True strength is doing what's right despite knowing there will be negative feedback.

Thank you! That makes me feel already stronger. 

[ForeverDad]

It might be best to get out here exactly why you don't want him to have overnights, at least not yet.  What I'm saying is that the professionals called in may not see "I'm nursing" as a valid single reason to deny overnights.  A common solution many mothers have to face when dealing with split parenting time is to express their milk, refrigerate or freeze it and pass it along at exchanges.  Yes, it's a clear hassle and not optimal but pumping may be required of you at some point.  (Yet whether the father will actually use it is another matter.)

I'm not saying he should get what time he wants, but I believe you better have more reasons prepared than just that you're breastfeeding.

Typically the courts in my country won't side with No Overnights unless there is basis to do so, such as some level of risk to the children if the extra time or night time is allowed.

[SettingBorders]

It might be best to get out here exactly why you don't want him to have overnights, at least not yet.  What I'm saying is that the professionals called in may not see "I'm nursing" as a valid single reason to deny overnights.  A common solution many mothers have to face when dealing with split parenting time is to express their milk, refrigerate or freeze it and pass it along at exchanges.  Yes, it's a clear hassle and not optimal but pumping may be required of you at some point.  (Yet whether the father will actually use it is another matter.)

I'm not saying he should get what time he wants, but I believe you better have more reasons prepared than just that you're breastfeeding.

Typically the courts in my country won't side with No Overnights unless there is basis to do so, such as some level of risk to the children if the extra time or night time is allowed.

Hello ForeverDad,
maybe I am beeing naive, but I think that breastfeeding is a valid reason to prevent overnights right now. Germany is a little more conservative in this question and 50/50 custody share against the will of one of the parents has just been introduced four months ago. Case law prevails that smaller children should stay with the mother. It is a recent trend that Jugendamt forces 50/50 on the mothers.

But I do have some more arguments:
- until now our daugther always spend the nights in my flat, so sudden change should be thoughtfully discussed involving the needs of the child
- even our mediator at Jugendamt said that children that are breastfed won't have overnights yet (altough my ex said he didn't hear that)
- as a human I have the right to decide what I do with my body, expressing milk should be up to me

But as far as I understood, the police won't decide anything. They will talk to both of us trying to find a solution for tonight and next week I will have to go and get an attorney ... .

[SettingBorders]

Just wanted to tell you: everything went fine. He agreed that she could sleep here with me a little longer. I didn't expect this and I don't understand that man ... .

[Panda39]

My guess... .he discovered how demanding taking care of an 8 month old really is.

[ForeverDad]

I was commenting on how breastfeeding is often addressed where I live in the USA.  Other countries may have other rules and laws.  In general I wasn't that far off since I was encouraging you to be prepared with additional reasons for your daughter to spend overnights with you.

I wonder if he was asking for 50/50 because he wanted to have a good public image with others?  Or maybe someone told him he should be getting overnights?  Or maybe with overnights his child support might be less?  Or maybe he just wanted to push back at you since in his mind he perceives you as controlling the parenting and hence controlling him?  Any of those might be why he made that demand.  It also might be why he didn't fight very hard.

Although it's not a scientific observation, it does appear we have more fathers here reporting massively obstructive wives than we do hear from mothers here reporting massively obstructive husbands.  So it might also be that fewer disordered dads are as attached to their kids as the disordered mothers are.  Of course, percentages aren't the issue.  Whatever the reason, it's good that his demand (and your worry) didn't materialize, for now.

[SettingBorders]

I was commenting on how breastfeeding is often addressed where I live in the USA.  Other countries may have other rules and laws.  In general I wasn't that far off since I was encouraging you to be prepared with additional reasons for your daughter to spend overnights with you.

And thanks for that. It's always good to know how others might see the case from the outside.

I wonder if he was asking for 50/50 because he wanted to have a good public image with others?  Or maybe someone told him he should be getting overnights?  Or maybe with overnights his child support might be less?  Or maybe he just wanted to push back at you since in his mind he perceives you as controlling the parenting and hence controlling him?  Any of those might be why he made that demand.  It also might be why he didn't fight very hard.

I think it's about not wanting to loose. Also, he worries about his public image. He wants to be seen as a caring father ... .and as a victim. For now he doesn't pay any child support at all, as he is heading for 50/50 and I didn't question that with one word. If I would go to court for child support he would probably have to pay me some money, but I don't want that escalation. So I just asked him to pay half of the bills for diapers, toys and clothing, and he told me not now, later ... .
I am considering to open up and tell him that I want 70:30, but I am afaid of it and don't know how it do this. Our mediator pushes on me to give him more time with our daugther and I am afraid that asking for more than 50% of the time could backfire. It would give him ammunition to tell in court and to friends that I was possessive with our daugther. Also, many people that I asked for advice suggest to me that I should share custody and it's only my natural mothers instinct and protectiveness that wants to have major physical custody for our daugther. Then I question myself.

Although it's not a scientific observation, it does appear we have more fathers here reporting massively obstructive wives than we do hear from mothers here reporting massively obstructive husbands.  So it might also be that fewer disordered dads are as attached to their kids as the disordered mothers are.  Of course, percentages aren't the issue.  Whatever the reason, it's good that his demand (and your worry) didn't materialize, for now.

I was wondering about this, too. My observation is that after a breakup borderline fathers fight for some months and then slowly disengage . I cannot see this happen in my case. He wants to win and he knows he can go on controlling me that way. I think he has some narcissist traits, too.