How to show support when a BPD spouse is in emotional pain

[Wutnow32]

While I suspect my wife has traits of BPD she also is afflicted and diagnosed with the other BPD, bipolar disorder, type II to be exact. To elaborate, this means she often is depressed and occasionally hypomanic in addition to the BPD characteristics we often discuss here. Today she was legitimately hurt emotionally by her family of origin and I did not know what to do to help. She was very sad, crying, and as much as she wanted me to help, I wasn't very effective to her satisfaction and she ended up pushing me away. In the mix I also got thrown under the bus as a 'persecutor' contributing to her state  but I didn't take it to heart. I knew she was upset and not talking logically. Anyway, I don't know if anyone has any suggestions, but I'm at a loss here. Maybe I am just inadequate at being supportive emotionally to someone who feels emotions so strongly.ni do hate seeing her in so much pain though. Any comments would be appreciated.

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[Tattered Heart]

I know I can't fix hurts that my H feels from others and often I don't know what to say or do. In those moments I let him know that I love and care for him. If he is cryin I'll reach out and touch his hand or arm. I'll empathize with the sadness, validate what he is feeling. And if I really don't know what to do, then ask, "How can I help you?" He knows what he needs and just asking allows him to learn to express his needs in a safe way.

[Wutnow32]

Thx for the reply Tatteredheart. Unfortunately the 'usual' things one would tend to do to comfort someone in pain don't work for my wife. She expects something more, something to distract her from hurting so much. I end up falling short, but I think anyone would when competing with her expectations.