BPD refuses real communication/ text only

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Can someone tell me the real meaning behind why a possible BPD would prefer  demand text only communication verses real communication to resolve conflict?  Thanks for your perspective

[Roselily]

Can someone tell me the real meaning behind why a possible BPD would prefer  demand text only communication verses real communication to resolve conflict?  Thanks for your perspective

[once removed]

hi Aldactone,

can you tell us a little bit more about the nature of the conflict? does the person youre struggling with actually refuse other methods of communication?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Aldactone,

Without any more information I'd say there's a possibility it gives the individual time to formulate a response without just blurting out the first thing that pops into their head?  If it is a person who has difficulty controlling their emotions, they could be avoiding putting someone through their outburst/rage/tears for example and being a little more careful about how they word things.  Just guessing at this as a potential reason in my opinion. 

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Aldactone,



I'm sorry that you're going through that. The reason why a pwBPD would demand text over talking on the phone is because it's too emotional to talk. I hope that helps.

[vaztek2003]

My exBPD broke up with me through a text only method, my thinking is that as it was said already, emotions would come into play. It felt as if it was so effortless for her to just text "Im not looking for a relationship right now"

Most of our comm was through text towards the end though.

[roberto516]

I'm sorry that you're going through that. The reason why a pwBPD would demand text over talking on the phone is because it's too emotional to talk. I hope that helps.

Mutt is right I believe. When I left and she asked me the next 2 weekends to come over and I asked her if there was a time we could meet halfway. She said "I don't know." The next day she was done.

When I brought this up with my friend he said "yeah it makes sense. If you met somewhere to eat or something you would have had to of talked about everything."

When I did allow myself to be recycled guess how it started? With her asking me to come over because she was not doing well mentally. guess what happened when I went over? She had me lay in the bed and hold her. We didn't talk about anything. For 2 months I tried to talk about us and she wouldn't. I knew if I did speak about it I might've upset her and I didn't want to blow the chance I was being given.

Hopefully not too off topic but I think this is why texting is easier than talking. The few times I spoke to her on the phone after the discard I could see the logic slowly starting to form. But through text its easy to disappear and ignore it. Just answer "ok" or something without elaboration.

[Roselily]

All great input... .guys! Helps a lot in understanding... thank you!

[Roselily]

hi Aldactone,

can you tell us a little bit more about the nature of the conflict? does the person youre struggling with actually refuse other methods of communication?

Thank you Once removed, yes my friend who I am certain has BPD characteristics will only communicate thru text. When I asked her wouldn't it be more appropriate to speak on a more personal level I.e. Phone if she opposed meeting for coffee. ( which she did) . This seemed to have been the norm for her. This person did not have friends per se, and I felt sorry for her... how I got roped in to start with. I finally said if our friendship was no more important than min effort, I would have to decline further contact, as I saw thru texting, she twisted perceptions, and misread much...

[caughtnreleased]

Agreed with Mutt. Experience with my BPDmother and BPDex shows that they get disregulated too quickly - texting allows them to think they have some control over the situation. Unfortunately, what they don't realize is that texting is full of traps - ie much more easy to have a misunderstanding.
I have never had an argument in person with my BPDex. It was always via text.
With my mother - whenever we had arguments in person she would immediately revert to 'victim' mode.
When we have arguments via text she ghosts me.

[Roselily]

I have never had an argument in person with my BPDex. It was always via text.
With my mother - whenever we had arguments in person she would immediately revert to 'victim' mode.
When we have arguments via text she ghosts me.
[/quote]

Me either caughtreleased, It was always via text. I would try to explain how easily
things could and did misunderstood, but that never changed thier perception. When I requested normal phone dialogue, it was dismissed. I found it strange conflict , even simple conflict was not allowed to be resolved. And yes... some ghosting happened as well...

[Harley Quinn]

I would try to explain how easily
things could and did misunderstood, but that never changed thier perception.

I've just been reminded of something.  Often I'd try to explain that it's impossible to read tone in a text or email so this can lead to confusion.  Also, one person's perception of something they read can vary a lot to another's.  Especially when skim read (which is something I know my ex did as he shot back long replies so quickly I would laugh to myself and call him thumbs of fire)... .Funny thing is, when we went LC at the end, he would attempt to call me quite often and would sometimes be so very distraught that I found it hard to understand what he was saying through all the sobbing and tears.  His language became very much like that of a small child trying to talk whilst having a major meltdown.  At this point I'd regularly implore that we revert to text as there was no possible way to hold a proper conversation like that.  It made a lot more sense then why he'd preferred texting for so long... .

Love and light x

[Yikes44]

When spiraling, my BPDp will always lapse into a texting only mode, and spew text after text of frantic increasingly hateful attacks. I don't get the sense he reads any response I might give, just on to "And another thing that you did to ruin my life was ... ."

If I suggest we might be able to resolve this in a few minutes of phone or face to face conversation (you know, like middle aged adults instead of teenagers?) I get shut down, with I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU! Which is then immediately contradicted by a following 70 texts of invective.

I put up a similar post on this topic a while back and some of the responses made a lot of sense. Texting is similar to any sort of comments section on the internet, where a certain type of person can feel emboldened to make all sorts of outlandish claims and personal attacks without being interrupted, having to form any sort of coherent argument or even come to the terms with the fact that they are addressing another human being. I would go so far as to say I that at a certain point, the texting with my BPDp seems more like a self hating conversation he is having with himself. His claims and attacks fitting his own role and actions in the relationship much more accurately then they describe mine. Almost like a form of journaling for him.

Anyway hang in there. One upside - they do create a useful log of the actual conversation for later reference if you doubt your sanity later.

[Lalathegreat]

BTDT Yikes44 and I agree completely! When my expwBPD would get going he would weave such a detailed tapestry of his insanity. It would remind me of journaling. He also would Generally try to call me, but I would frequently refuse these calls knowing that it would only lead to me listening to a torrent of emotional abuse. Instead I would let him put it all in text which has provided me with a nice record to revisit if i should ever choose.

[insideoutside]

My exBPD broke up with me through a text only method, my thinking is that as it was said already, emotions would come into play. It felt as if it was so effortless for her to just text "Im not looking for a relationship right now"

Most of our comm was through text towards the end though.

My friend would prefer talking on the phone rather than texting as he said texting would get lost in translation and get the wrong perception; he would rather hear someone's voice so you can understand pitch, emotion etc.  My friend hated texting at times and would go quiet on it for ages until he felt happy again and then would text up a storm.

[insideoutside]

she twisted perceptions, and misread much...

This is EXACTLY why my friend with BPD hated texting as he said things could get misread and perceptions distorted etc... he much preferred to talk on the phone a times.

[HopinAndPrayin]

My STBXhBPD did this as well.  There are several ways to think about it - dysregulation and keeping to lower emotionality, avoidance, and more control.  It's also about lacking the component parts of conflict resolution.

On the day my dog went to the vet and never came home, I had been trying to get a hold of him because I was traveling and was worried about my sweet dog and the vet had questions about how long she had been vomiting as well as her meds, which only he would know.  My ex was aggressive via text telling me he didn't want to talk and I was just trying to control him by asking when the last time he gave her her fluid injections and food.  When I called his office and had the receptionist get him, because frankly at that point I was more worried about my dog than his hissy fit, he didn't talk with me, he just texted that I was embarrassing him at work.  Later that evening at dinner, after our dog had passed, I asked him what had happened.  He told me I was texting him to make him respond.  I showed him the texts (5 in total) that were all expressing concern for my dog and trying to get the information the vet needed.  I could see on his face, he couldn't understand how the words in the text didn't match what he KNEW I had sent him.  He was deeply dusregulated and dissociated.  Whenever he dissociated, he became combative.

Here's another way to think about it.  Conflict resolution takes a number of emotionally intelligent skills.  It takes self awareness of your own feelings, self management of those feelings, the ability to hold a goal in mind about the conflict (resolve, exit, or escalate), the ability to listen to the other party, empathy for their position, and good will to come to a mutually agreeable solution.  PwBPD don't have ANY of these skills until they are well into recovery.  Most conflict feels threatening and as though abandonment is on the horizon.

[Roselily]

I showed him the texts (5 in total) that were all expressing concern for my dog and trying to get the information the vet needed.  I could see on his face, he couldn't understand how the words in the text didn't match what he KNEW I had sent him.  He was deeply dusregulated and dissociated.

Wow hoping and pray... I'm so sorry that happened, especially about your precious pup? Who would be that pissy ... and rediculous knowing it was your pet? I think that was beyond cruel... I would have had to give him a colorful description of what his behavior made him look like... I'm so sorry that occurred... on top of your pet loss... what an *?hole! It's good riddance!

[truthbeknown]

Going through this right now.  Got in a conversation on Sunday but had to really work to get a phone call.  Then she pushed buttons and brought up topics that caused me to get triggered.  Then she said she had to go because her son was getting in the car and would text back when she could talk again. She texted me on Monday night through messenger with another text breakup message all over again.   I reacted by texting back (wish i wouldn't have replied).