Take the offer?

[Alayne]

What would you do?  My husband asked when I want my mom here before the twins arrive. I'm due July 18 but expect to go sooner. I've avoided bringing it up because he was weird about it last time, and I'm embarrassed by the amount of tension she's likely to see. He offered next week as a hedging bet and said not to worry about him, he'll be okay with it.

In a perfect world, I would LOVE her here. I miss her to death. I'm pretty sure he'll forget this conversation. And that he's either overconfident in his comfort right now or worse trying to reassure me that he's okay, both of which are zero help if he feels stressed. He gets along great with her... .until Mr. Hyde shows up because she's invalidated him. Do you think he'll mean this a week from now and even if he doesn't, would you accept the offer anyway?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gumiho]

Well you probably know it already. As for my gf, she can say "A" and if she for some reason triggers the "A" easily can shift to the complete contrary in a matter of 1ms.
As for your mom, I'd get her over asap... it's you whose due  not him. He might even label you as selfish for doing so, if mr. Hyde pops up. Disregard it.
This is about you and rightfully is. So do yourself that favor ^^ (just my opinion)
And good luck on 7/18~~!

[Alayne]

Thanks, Gumiho!  You sound awesome, for the record.

Yesterday, he raged at me because he asked which rice to make with dinner and my response ("I don't remember what we did last time -" is a way of getting out of answering his questions.

Today, he decided to have a PT stick needles into his leg to help with an injury on the recommendation of two women from our tennis club.  Now it hurts and he can't walk on that leg.  They said it would take a day to recover. and then he'll be fine.  I'm not sufficiently validating his pain despite that this means that he may not be able to help me as much as he wants tonight.  Dude.  YOU JUST HAD SOMEONE STICK NEEDLES INTO YOUR LEG.  WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?  Yes, it's my fault that I'm not sufficiently empathetic to how bad you feel at not being able to help me.

Long story short: you're right.

[Gumiho]

Well thanks~ ^^

Reminds me of an incident~~ gf and me both sit on my bed and we gobble up our 500th couple days cake.
Gf was all giggles and mentions that we celebrate these days "too much" (100th~500th). I"m like *sigh*, you said you loved it and now it's "too much"?
... .
DID YOU JUST SIGH?
I'M LEAVING!
*puts on clothes*
YOU ASSHOLE SIGHED

and there she stomped off.

... the sighing invalidation... (happened on other occasions too)

... just saying it can strike em anytime, even when you expect it the least...

(That day especially I can't forget. I literally begged her to calm down and not ruin our day and fell on my knees, hugging her legs which triggered her times million. She shrieked like a banshee and took her favorite earrings (pretty tiny crystal shaped balls off [was a birthday present, I had gone great lenghts to get] and then smashed them on the ground. I was so horrified of that behavior I took a video of it with my phone. That even further triggered her.

... sometimes I caught me watching that... and I just sigh

... when I cut on that theme later she'd laugh it off, saying [her favorite earrings] started to get boring and that she wore them too much ... .seriously happened

... we never celebrated 600th~800th... )

[Alayne]

Yuuuuuup. That sounds awful - I know seeing her destroy a memento is brutal and I'm not sure if that's not still less hurtful than going from joy to hurt so unexpectedly. I wish I could hug some perspective into them. While we story swap, on our first Christmas my husband lost it because he wanted to return something and the Bloomingdales website wasn't working and, of course, being Christmas there was no way to get help. It breaks my heart how readily he sabotages special moments.

Update: leg still hurts, which plus our earlier conflict makes him tired. Son wouldn't get in car seat, which finallly caused him to drop an "f-this I don't care anymore" and slam the door.  Third time in two days he's sworn like that in our vicinity. Lost my temper and told him he had to stop and get some rest. All things considered I held it together well, but he continued on to threaten divorce and moving out before finally crashing on the couch. He pulled it together with some encouragement  from me.  Now I get to wait and have a grown up debrief about what the heck is going on after he finishes eating when I'd rather curl up and cry and figure out how to do this alone. (Total pity party - I love a million things about him. I think divorce would solve very little. I have to write this stuff down so that I don't forget or doubt my judgment later and I hate having to be the adult in these moments. I'm totally conflict avoidant.)

Thanks for listening. Had to get this out in the air.

[Gumiho]

I'd suggest curling up sometimes nonetheless. Your preggie too right? Take some mommy time off

Christmas, right. *turns pale* ... christmas 2015.
That's when I from begin on said I would rather cuddle up in bed and watch a nice movie, but she for some reason overheard that while contemplating what to do that day, on phone. Of course I am open to other suggestions, mixed with her inability to make firm decisions we decided to hit the universities district (fun place with lots of fun things to do) and we had a great night.
Suddenly she lashes out at me that her foot hurts and that she rather would have chilled at home, then of course I had to face a weeklong silent treatment for "ruining" a special day to her. We even made photos of her having a blast and smiling from ear to ear that day.

I have my 'sanity' log too here: (Advice). ^^

[Lakebreeze]

Have your mom come as soon as she can and stay as long as she can. Yes, she will trigger your husband, he will feel invalidated etc. But it's really really physically hard to be pregnant with twins and it's extremely difficult to take care of twin infants and a toddler. You and your babies have real needs that can be taken care of by your mom. Expect the worst from your husband and prep your mom for it. That way if it's smooth sailing you can be pleasantly surprised. You and the babies need to be your priority right now. My husband accuses me to this day of being a selfish, horrible, lazy thoughtless mean wife when he talks about the first year with the twins... .Projection is the only way I can explain it because he was all those things. Anyway, the twins are 4 now so if we could survive it you most definitely can. I didn't know my husband had BPD at the time. You have that piece of the puzzle which is huge. Very best wishes for happy healthy babies. You are in the final count down! I'll be thinking of you!

[Lakebreeze]

Forgot to mention about my mom: so I arranged to have my mom stay for 1 week after the twins were born to help out. My husband " have her stay as long as she can." So I have the babies and hubby is becoming increasingly emotionally dysregulated. He told her to leave early because he felt that she was interfering with his ability to bond with the babies. If I could re live that I would never let that happen again because I had no help at all. Stand your ground and get what you need.

[Alayne]

Another twin momma!  I'm sorry he brought so much stress with him, but man babies are cute. I did talk to mom (generally, not BPD) and her preference is to wait a little so she can be there to help more after the babies arrive. Can't argue with the logic, she has no idea he's being such a handful, and I'm pretty shee she thought the last go around was awkward too so there's that.

I did work up to talking to him (go me), very empathetic and inquiring. Successful failure?  Outcome is not a surprise in any way - he doesn't have a problem, it's all circumstantial, things will be better when I'm not pregnant (sigh).  I did get out that I'd like him to be proactive and see a therapist. Had to get it out there. He worryingly started to justify his behavior ("well, our son did calm down, it worked, that's not a bad thing". Adding that to my watch list.

Couldn't have done it without the help. Thank you!

[Alayne]

Feeling broken hearted today. Had a fight (pretty inconsequential over what, isn't it?  Involved Bizet's Carmen overture and some JADE and some shutting down early in the morning on a poor night's sleep) that ended with a bunch of F.U.'s and slamming his phone while I was feeding the toddler. Our son smacked my arm three times when it stopped. (Note: H has never been physically abusive. Just throws things sometimes.) I can't get the image out of my head.

He's at work. I cried buckets once I could get away.  I still have to talk to him about it - I'm not sure he even saw. I'm still figuring out what to say - "Hey, did you notice this, crazy right? Remember when I asked you about getting help because I'll schedule the appointment if you promise to go because I'm maybe hallucinating that the violence is escalating and you're amazing 95% of the time especially right now when I'm so dependent on you but I don't know if that's enough when my son looks at me the way he did today, kthx."