I suspect my daughter has BPD

[tuula]

Please tell me if I am going crazy?

I can never, ever please my 35 year old daughter. She keeps blocking me out of her life for anything from a week to 6 months. I never know when she will return. This time is it because I had a week away with my girlfriend. Last time similar. Demands for money which she thinks I grow. She wont seek therapy, she is so unhappy. This has gone on for years. I need to live my life and I can't as I worry daily how she is coping when she chooses to have no contact. I hate the fact she thinks it is ALL my doing, when I am trying so hard to please her and help her. if I make one little mistake, I'M OUT! I am on a knife edge and walk eggshells all the time. Is there anyone else out there who has a daughter or son like this? I need to share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Tuula and welcome.

If you have read some of the posts on this forum, you will have seen similarities to your own situation with your daughter.  For the most part, all of us parents have done the best we could along the line... .tried to do better when we knew better. 

Because of our grandchildren, my husband and I allowed ourselves to be held hostage by our daughter as her mood swings created so much hurt.  We suffered greatly the times she decided to cut us out of her and our grandchildren's lives.  We have lived through almost 40 years of this.

We are now in our mid/late 70's.  The grandchildren are 25/27.  Our daughter's verbal abuse has not abated, just gotten worse but finally we decided WE had to take control before the verbal abuse turned to physical abuse.  Boundaries had to be set to protect ourselves as we age and this decision has empowered us... .but it has shaken her.  Too bad, huh?

I sincerely hope, Tuula, that you don't wait as long as us to take back control of your life.   Your daughter is a 35-year-old adult.  You can't change her but you can change you.  You cannot force her to take therapy but is that option available to you?  Somehow you have to train yourself to let go.  Letting go doesn't mean you stop loving her and it doesn't mean you stop doing your homework when it comes to dealing with someone who has BPD tendencies.

To quote you:  "I need to live my life and I can't as I worry daily how she is coping when she chooses to have no contact."  Heed your words and make your moves... .and keep posting.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Tuula

I want to join Huat in welcoming you to the forum. She gives very good advice. You find calm by removing yourself from the dramas. It doesn't mean that you love your daughter less, it means that you are putting yourself first.

I encourage you to read about BPD, take a look at the top right hand page. The more I learned then the less I reacted. "When we know better, we do better." I got myself some better communication and validation skills. I keep my statements short, I load on validation and am assertive but loving at the same time. My relationship has improved with my DS26, despite the problems.

My DS was reluctant to take responsibility for himself. My journey started by finding this forum and it's been my life saver. It gave me the understanding and confidence to pass the responsibility for his life into his lap where it belongs. I stopped giving him money so that he could start learning financial management skills and learn how to problem solve.

There are no quick fixes sadly. You can arm yourself up with s toolkit to better interact with your daughter. You can start living and enjoying your own life. We all deserve happiness.

Have you found yourself stopping doing things or not sharing with your daughter because you are afraid of her reaction?

LP