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Author Topic: Soulmates,married, broke, jailed, what now?  (Read 445 times)
BOS3778

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: June 26, 2017, 10:08:34 PM »

I actually started this post with "excuse the brevity" but I had to delete that opening line because I wrote so much, kept it as short as I could, hopefully some people will read and help.

I met wife (likely now my ex-wife) 2 years ago, we hit it off immediately.  We got everything out on the table by the 5th date: kids, our pasts, medications we were taking, financial, everything.  The future she wanted was the one I wanted.  Everything was perfect.

I could go on and on about this subject but she is a very sexual person which was awesome.  I had some performance anxiety issues that surfaced early on (don’t know why, think I was just nervous).  We also had some great sex at the start of the relationship but she also asked me to leave or I left after failing to perform several times, eventually I associated not getting it up with the woman I love leaving.  This was a constant issue throughout our relationship however eventually she became supportive sometimes and I realized what it was doing to her (self image issues etc) and I learned how to become more supportive of her.   However we had our ups and downs with that issue and she would get downright evil with it sometimes saying she is leaving, she will cheat on me, and other evil stuff.  We eventually went to therapy for this which helped a lot but she didn’t want to go anymore.
 
She moved in about 3 months into the relationship and eventually got a well paying job closer to my house.  Of course every little thing like this I could not believe because I thought she was going to leave me over my sex issues yet she was continuing to stay.

 The rest of the relationship was perfect, so we decided to get married, I proposed about 4 months in and we were married at a ceremony in a foreign country with her family.  The marriage was not legal but we both felt very strongly that that was a real marriage (we almost went to Vegas).   We had plans to make it legal a few months later.  The day we got married will probably always be the best day of by life.
We had our relationship issues, this was my first real LONG term relationship but she was up front and honest and I was learning things quick.  I am an introvert and avoided conflict while she was high conflict and wanted to deal with things right then.  I never spoke up for myself and explained my needs because I just wanted to keep her happy and I had my insecurities.  She seemed to focus on the negative with me.
She started gambling said things like, would you rather me gamble or cheat on you and she is gambling because of me.  She won a lot in the beginning, we went together had ALOT of fun together. I caught her texting  a few guys she knew before me in a sexual way. We started losing money, her much more than me.  Things were getting bad that is all she wanted to do and I went with her.  Unknown to me she stopped paying her mortgage, she basically stole money from her family, and me.  I put up with it, pleading with her what is in the past is in the past but you are gambling away our future, our plans for kids etc.  She eventually lost her job because she could not get along with her coworkers and  she would be late to work because we got into a fight the night before at the casino or she was out late.  She became very depressed and suicidal was on unemployment, still gambled.  Eventually I did not give her any more money or bail her out.   But she had received gambling rewards from casinos;  so she would get free cash , free food and drinks, hotel rooms so we continued to do that as I didn't want to shake things up.

I checked out of the relationship ( Although I hid it I am sure she felt it) a few months ago but I was still hopeful despite the incredibly evil things she would continue to say: I hate you, I wish I never met you, my previous partner was the love of my life, I could go on.  I was hoping the gambling would stop and I knew at some point I would have to end it because I am not going bankrupt I had a hard time just leaving somebody I married, I loved so much, leaving my future (kids and family), somebody who was suicidal, had no job, and was about to lose their house, and her dog is about to die.

I actually blamed myself for everything, EVERYTHING; I thought she would be better off without me.  I and tried to break up with her and I told her that, but we did get back together but things got worse.  Fights happened more often, although we still had some great times.

We again went back to couples/sex therapy and found an awesome therapist that we both loved however we could only attend a few sessions before we ran out of money ($150 hr).

Eventually a month ago I said I am not fully into this anymore and I need out.  A couple days later she came home and said she was with me all along out of guilt and we argued she wanted out too.  I went outside to get away, came back to bed laid down I heard her thrown back some large sips of beer and she said I just took pills and said goodbye to my cousins. To make a long story short she grabbed another handful of pills and put them in her mouth, I grabbed her put her on her side and scooped the pills out of her mouth, she then called 911 reporting “a domestic” next thing I know I am in handcuffs getting arrested for AB when I was just trying to save my Wife’s life (yes she claimed that I assaulted her). She begged me to come home and I said no I cannot be with somebody that is capable of doing this, what if it happened again.  She eventually left my house (which was devastating to her and I).  She is back at her house, jobless, house getting foreclosed on, lost her husband, suicidal etc. 

A couple weeks ago I stumbled upon Borderline Personality Disorder and realized that fit her to a T, and also fit my care giving personality.  I am thinking If I knew about BPD before I could have done so much more to help her.
I love this woman so much, I married her, I am abandoning her which is the worst thing I could ever do to her, I still want our future together, and I really just miss her like hell.

But the other side of me says she has cost us the future we both planned , you are going to be broke for a few years (1 401k loan, home equity, credit cards) and could have lost so much more If I let it continue, I would never have imagined I would be in what I think was an abusive relationship, and I am be charged with 2 felonies ( I have no previous record and she claims she will do whatever it takes to get me off), it is not so much that I was arrested but also that fact that the type of job I have I could easily lose if they found this out so It.

Sorry for the long winded 1st post,  felt good to get out, I am reading a lot about BPD on this site and others, I wish I knew sooner.  I don’t know what to think right now I guess I am looking for people to say follow your heart or what are you stupid get out and stay out.


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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2017, 04:50:24 AM »

(Sorry for the length of this response)

Dear BOS-

Welcome to our BPD family.  I want to let you know that you are NOT alone, you are NOT crazy and most of all, you are NOT any of the names she has or will likely call you.  I think you'll find great support here and your feelings of isolation will diminish- so you'll feel a whole lot better just being able to say things that you can't say anywhere else.

From your post, it appears You've realized this relationship has taken you down a path That may not be safe or comfortable for you to pursue.  It does sound like she has some BPD traits, although none of us can make a diagnosis.  But there appears to be more than just BPD at play here - like a serious gambling addiction.  She was NOT gambling because of you... .It's a pretty sure bet That habit was already packed in her baggage so to speak.  Presenting an ultimatum of either cheating or gambling is pretty cruel and not found in most definitions of "love".

I am no expert nor do I have a crystal ball,  but in this situation knowing about BPD sooner doesn't sound like it would have made a difference.  So PLEASE don't blame yourself.  NONE of this is your fault.  Out of curiosity,  when you saw the therapists, nothing other than sex was discussed?  I wish the therapist had been a bit more intuitive... .

BOS, I know I'm repeating myself here, but It seems to me you recognized behaviors that made you just plain NOT WANT this for your future.  And that's a really good thing, my friend.  Being on the "receiving" end of these relationships can make us question everything we thought we knew about ourselves; we can stop trusting our own judgement and intuition.  I want to tell you that your intuition was right.  You CAN trust yourself.  It's OK to put yourself first.  In fact, you HAVE to do that!

I am very sorry for the pain and devastation you're going through, and hopefully you are able to get good legal advice so you can be cleared of the charges she has made against you.  THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT!  Also, why doesn't she just move to drop the charges?   My ex-husband actually DID throw me across the room and into the wall.  He was arrested for felony domestic assault based on what HE told the police.  I was so confused and scared that I dropped the charges and refused all protection.  Maybe the laws differ by state.

I believe it's important for you to take a clear look at what has happened, really look at your own words.  Maybe step outside yourself for a few minutes and look at your words as if your best friend were telling you what has happened to him over the last two years.  And your best friend is looking to you for counsel.  What kind of advice would you give this cherished friend in this situation? 

Would you tell your best friend that this relationship sounds healthy and loving, with a solid foundation for the future?  Sometimes even knowing that someone has BPD traits doesn't mean that we can do any better than we've already done.  It does sound as if you've sacrificed a great deal trying to bring her happiness.  It's up to you to decide just how much further you'd be willing to go... .

This sounds harsh, but if at all possible, I would try to step lightly until the legal issues are resolved so the damage to you is minimized (your job, reputation, finances, etc.) - again,  please consult an attorney on that.  Try your best to compartmentalize.  This is so hard, but try to separate your emotions for a while, do what you must to keep the peace.  Once the legal issues are put to bed (hopefully all charges dropped), you may have a clearer vision of what has taken place here.  You will be better able to deal with the emotional upheaval as well as your decision of whether to go back or stay away.

If you decide to pursue a path separate from her, you WILL heal; and you'll come out a stronger person with a much better understanding of yourself.  If you decide to go back, you now know the future you envisioned may not be the one you'll have.  You'll need to establish boundaries and try to make BIG CHANGES to the relationship.

But starting now, please just give yourself space and time; patience and a little break.  Embrace and forgive yourself.  You deserve that.

Please keep reading and posting.  P.S. Are you legally married?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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BOS3778

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2017, 11:10:35 AM »

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. If a friend told me he was going through what I went through I would say get RUN. 

No we are not legally married and unfortunately at least in this State it is not up to her to drop the assault charge, it is the courts decision now.  She tried to the morning after, she has said she will do anything to help me.
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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2017, 03:31:11 AM »

Hi BOS3778,

Welcome

I'd like to join  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Gemsforeyes in welcoming you to the community. You have been through a lot, and I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That is very hard to deal with. I can understand your conflicted emotions: on the one hand wanting to make it work with the woman you love, on the other hand wanting to protect yourself from spiraling into a worse situation that what you are in now.

You are definitely not alone. Members here have been in similar situations and understand. There is hope for things to get better, but it does entail change and effort. It takes a very strong, centered person to be in a relationship with someone with BPD/traits. And it sounds like there are other issues at play as well.

I also think taking a step back and pressing the PAUSE button to get your body and mind balanced again is a good idea. In my experience, making big decisions when emotionally distraught and/or worried doesn't help.

I recommend continuing to read about BPD on this site, and continuing to post. It really helps to share your situation with people who understand.

I'd also like to share a couple of links with you that I think will be helpful. When others threaten suicide, many of us don't know how to react. The first link has advice that will help. In the second link, members share their experiences and what they've learned about domestic violence charges. Once you've had time to look them over, I'd love to hear what you think:

Suicide Ideation in Others

Domestic Violence (men)

You can get through this, BOS. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Five28

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 39


« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2017, 04:28:34 PM »

I've been married to a BPD for 37 years, and dated her for about 3 years prior to that. I had no idea there was anything wrong with her until about five years after we got married. One of her BPD vices is spending money. We both had secure jobs that paid about the same. Trouble is, she was always broke and up to her eyeballs in credit card debt. Not once in our marriage did I ever need to ask her for money. She, on the other hand, has always needed me to give her money, buy things, or let her use my credit card. I've since learned from experience that a BPD who is a spendaholic will pretty much steal from loved ones and try to make you feel guilty when you cut them off.

Bottom line, if you have no children and are not technically married my advice is to run like hell. This constant drama will be your life from now on. Would you willingly choose that? If I had known about BPD when we first met I would not have gotten involved with her. Life is too short to deal with craziness. There are a lot of good, normal women out there that would be a joy to be with. A BPD is not like that. Time to seriously choose a life of joy and contentment, or constant drama and a long rap sheet when she has you arrested again.

By the way, if she is no longer going to testify against you the charges pretty much have to be dropped unless the police witnessed something. They have no case without her testimony, assuming you didn't leave out any pertinent facts. Best of luck to you. (and don't get her mad right before the court date)
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BOS3778

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2017, 09:16:23 PM »

Thank you heartandwhole.  You are right time to hit the PAUSE button.  I will continue to read through all the helpful info on this site.  Thank you for the links on Suicidal Ideation, I just went to a therapist  and asked him what you say to somebody who talks about suicide and has a very bad response to the usual "it wont always be like this" "I am here for you" etc... He said he trains other therapists who ask him the same thing all the time and he really didn't make any suggestions, he did say it is not always good to make it the center of attention or bring it up.  I was shocked  to hear him say that it was not OK for her to take pills in front of me, think we will get into this next session said he wants to talk about "trauma"




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BOS3778

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2017, 09:39:13 PM »

Bottom line, if you have no children and are not technically married my advice is to run like hell. This constant drama will be your life from now on. Would you willingly choose that? If I had known about BPD when we first met I would not have gotten involved with her. Life is too short to deal with craziness. There are a lot of good, normal women out there that would be a joy to be with. A BPD is not like that. Time to seriously choose a life of joy and contentment, or constant drama and a long rap sheet when she has you arrested again.

By the way, if she is no longer going to testify against you the charges pretty much have to be dropped unless the police witnessed something. They have no case without her testimony, assuming you didn't leave out any pertinent facts. Best of luck to you. (and don't get her mad right before the court date)

Thank You Five28, I am lacing up my running shoes. Your Comment about her getting me arrested again hit me hard and I agree with the spending, She would give me the shirt off her back and go hungry if I needed money but if I never said anything she would knowingly put me into debt (and this was pre-gambling). 

My attorney has said the ADA's will drag my case out as long as possible, I think she will testify no matter what (but who knows).  If she does not I think I would be OK taking it to a Jury Trial, I am not taking a plea, I grew up in a house of women and would never ever do anything to a woman. I have not even done anything abusive to a guy.
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