Edging towards separation

[Gardengoddess]

I started posting in February of this year about my marriage. I am still stuck and he is still acting out. Things are slightly better between us in that he is mostly in a decent mood, with a couple incidents of anger every week instead of nearly every day. When I started posting in February has was in a dark depression and angry and resentful at me all the time, using psychedelics several times a week, and having hugely emotionally violent outbursts.

I have started to keep a record of when and why he acts angry at me. So far it has been about 10 times in a month. I think I am going to try audio recording him the next time he rages at me. It helps me to keep it in perspective.

This summer I am working and taking online college classes mostly from home. We had an amazing weekend together, and shared some beautiful closeness and great sex. I started to relax and think that maybe I could stick this out, maybe things could change and we could have the life I want, a life of peacefulness and pupose. But then he came home from work to the dinner that I made for him Monday night. I could see that he was angry, but he reached out to stroke my back as he walked around me to sit at the dinner table and I thought maybe it would be ok. When he asked how my day was, I hesitated to tell him that I had had a nice day. He hates it when I am in a good mood and he isn't. Of course, he picked a huge fight with me within minutes, wanted me to describe in detail an incident related to our fight which he said he could not remember, and than hotly contested every detail even though I know it to all be true. It only ended when I left to sob in my room. I locked myself in and got my phone charging in case he decided to come rage at me, but he just left for a meeting and we didn't speak again all night. It's like he is constantly trying to throw me off balance and hurt me, maybe to share the pain he is in.

There are moments where he believes me, tells me his behavior is abusive and unacceptable and that I deserve better, but most of the time he is unwilling to even tolerate a mention of how his behavior affects me and our relationship. He always, always brings it back to resenting that I need his financial support. I ran a business for several years that never quite took off, changed my career, was injured on the job and could not do that work any more, and now I am going to college to get my degree and be eligible for the awesome full-time jobs in my chosen field. I work part-time, keep house, grow and can and cook our food. I contribute plenty to our partnership, but not much of it is financial. He has a masters degree which was paid for by student loans and a large inheritance. I have no degree in a city that requires one in order to get most full-time entry-level jobs. I tried to work around it for as long as I could, but it is clear that I must get my degree in order to have a viable future. I joined the college honor society this quarter, I work really hard and am a straight A student.

I thought I could stick it out with him for another year to at least finish my Associate's degree, but I don't think I can or should any more. It is too toxic, and I am too aware of how much it hurts me, and how unlikely it is to ever change. A domestic violence association is helping me. I am looking for ways to support myself in this super-expensive city so that I can continue to go to school. I am going to have to either find a way to get him to leave peacefully, so I can rent out the other rooms to housemates, or I will have to covertly pack and leave. It is a major ordeal for me to leave, as most of the contents of our home are mine, and either useful or precious to me. And how do I support myself financially? These are all questions I am struggling with. I feel screwed no matter what I do. I am foggy and depressed and so disappointed that the love of my life ended up being a crazy abusive a$$hole. I really want to believe in a brighter future for myself, but it's hard to see right now. I can barely get thought the day today, following the blow-up last night. I have at least one night a week like this, and it's been going on for EIGHT YEARS. I don't want the rest of my life to look like this.

Thanks for reading.

[Lucky Jim]

I thought I could stick it out with him for another year to at least finish my Associate's degree, but I don't think I can or should any more. It is too toxic, and I am too aware of how much it hurts me, and how unlikely it is to ever change.

Hey GG, You have acknowledged the reality of your situation (above), which is the starting point for change.  You have also recognized your own limitations, which is another healthy sign.  I suggest beginning with the end in mind -- leaving your marriage -- and then working backwards.  Sure, there are a lot of loose ends and complications; there always are.  As the Zen Koan says, "How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji? But slowly, slowly . . . ."  Take the first step towards your goal, and the next step will follow, even if you can't see that far ahead at the moment.  Sometimes you have to jump from one lilly pad to see the next one.  Many of us have taken this journey before you.  Let us know how we can help.

LuckyJim

[BeagleGirl]

I believe you.

Those are the magic words that I needed (and still need) to hear, so I thought I'd offer them to you in case you are struggling with questioning the validity of your pain right now.

If you're like me, you are aware now that today and maybe part of tomorrow will feel horrible.  It's the emotional hang-over that happens after an incident of emotional abuse.  Then you'll start feeling overwhelmed with the idea of how hard it would be to change the abusive patterns, right about the time he starts pulling you back in with kindness/apologies/promises.  With some help from him, you start questioning whether what he did was really as bad as you made it out to be.  You looking for your contribution to the "bad time".  And you'll find it.  None of us are perfect and if you can't keep from contributing to the hurt in the relationship, how can you expect him to.  There will be a sense of relief that you don't have to leave, and you believe that THIS time it will be different.  You add to the "love" fest that he has started with this "second chance".  You have great sex and great intimacy.  Then the emotional high starts to wear off, but that's okay because stability is really more comforting than the high/low pattern anyway.  But then there is the moment that you sense the emotional storm walk in the room with him.  You know what is coming and you know that there is nothing you can do to stop it, but you try.  Or you "seed the clouds" with something you know will trigger the downpour just so you can get it over with.  And you know that nothing really changed.  You're still stuck on the same roller coaster.

That's how my life went for nearly 22 years.  I left my husband 5 months ago today.  When I left, I thought I could go back.  I thought this would be a therapeutic separation.  6 months max.  Now I don't know.  The promises don't work anymore.  The apologies don't mean anything when either vague or full of JADEing.  I think the only thing that has really changed is that I'm not giving him the same opportunity to minimize and justify the abusive behavior, so we never get the "love fest" part of the cycle.  Without that oasis, it's amazing how the behaviors he was apologizing for yesterday are now "signs that he loves me".  

Have you sought advice on what your legal rights are as regards your property?  :)oes staying in your home depend on him cooperating and leaving?

What keeps you in the "very expensive" city, other than your shared property with pwBPD and the location of your school?

Do you see leaving as a step towards ending the relationship, or as a wake-up call and boundary that leaves it up to him whether he wants to make changes you feel are necessary for reconciliation?

What are you willing to give up (even temporarily) in order to have a separation (temporary or permanent)?  What are you not willing to sacrifice?  What are your plans to remove the need to sacrifice those things if you leave?

               
I know your head is probably spinning with all the questions related to "how do I stop this pain?".  Spend 30 minutes on them, then do something that will get your mind off of them.  You need some rest.  :)o what you can that is necessary, but don't beat yourself up about not being all that functional right now.  Eat and sleep well.  Get some fresh air.  :)o something that will make you laugh.  

BG

[Gardengoddess]

Yes. All of this.
So today, in a few minutes in fact, I have a meeting at the legal clinic sponsored by the DV organization that has been helping me. I want to find out what my rights are in regards to the following:

1.) Can I make him leave if he doesn't want to go? We are in a rented house. He may or may not try to make me leave instead. I operate my business from this space and it will be a huge ordeal for me to go. Our lease is actually up right now. We'll be signing a new lease next week. Now may be the best time to make him go, even if it feels terrible.

2.) What are my rights as far as spousal support (alimony)? I would much rather not take any money from him ever again, but I am in school right now, and he promised to support me through it.  (of course, he's broken most of the promises he's made me, but still)... .I can't work full-time to support myself yet.

3.) How can I protect myself? He will most assuredly rage at me, and probably get violent, when one of us leaves. I can defend myself, but it is traumatizing and awful to go through. This happened once before when we broke up and he moved out, before we got married. He rushed me, pushed me, I pushed him away, and then we were punching each other. It was the worst day of my life. So... .what does an order of protection or no-contact order actually do, and how can I use the system to protect myself so that at the very least, he is aware that other people are watching and he will be held accountable for his actions.

4.) Can I keep my health and dental insurance? Marriage gave me health insurance, and dental insurance. If that goes away, I am left with having to cope with a chronic health condition on my own, while the country roils with the chaos of millions of uninsured and underinsured people.

I have to believe that he will never change. Otherwise, like before, we will fall in love with each other again, and I will believe his claims that he has changed and I will never have to worry about his moods or rage again. I wish he could change. We are good together, really good. He has refused to actually get the kind of help he needs to recover enough to be stable. He has refused to stop drinking or smoking, and won't even cut down on his pot use. I have tried to make him change his behavior, and although some things have improved over time, the rages have never stopped.

I will have to completely cut him off emotionally. No, we will not be friends. We have worked on the same community project for several years now, where we both hold volunteer positions on a board and are well-known as a couple. So if I get a no-contact order, one of us will have to quit the project and lose the supportive community. It sucks.

We do not own anything together. We only have a couple hundred dollars in a shared checking account. He has always been really controlling about money and won't trust me enough to share an account. So I have nothing of value except a $1200 beater car, my own potential, and a house full of stuff. (My stuff isn't worth selling, it's all either second-hand or equipment for my business.)

I know a lot of people have to leave abusive relationships with nothing but the clothes they are wearing. I hope it won't come to that for me. Moving into an apartment is more than I can afford, I have applied for low-income housing and gotten nowhere because there are thousands of other people applying too. I think I can manage to get by if I can stay here in this house with housemates, if my husband helps. Things will be financially tight and it will feel terrible. But another year here, and I'll be finished with my AA degree. Then I can go anywhere. I'd like to move to a neighboring state, and if offered a full ride scholarship for my BA, I'd go. That might sound like a pie-in-the-sky idea, but I'm on full scholarship right now and making 4.0s in every class.

We could be amazing together, with our combined knowledge and skillset. We could achieve all of our dreams. But we can't, because he has a rage problem and is cruel, abusive and manipulative to me, and he's stuck in his own misery. He really is the most interesting and extraordinary person I have ever met, and has inspired me and changed me in many amazing ways. I hope that he chooses to recover one day. But I can't wait for him.

[Gardengoddess]

My head is spinning.
The meeting with the DV legal clinic was intense.
The results:

Since he has committed domestic violence which I have record of, he can legally be kicked out of the house. I can have him served with separation or divorce and protection order papers, and a community advocate from the sheriff's office will come and help him move out.
The law is in my favor as far as financial support, since he has a well-paying job and I am in school, I will be awarded spousal maintenance.
If I choose to pursue separation rather than divorce right away, I can keep my health insurance. He might vindictively just divorce me as soon as he can so I can't use it. I really don't know what he will do if I have him kicked out. 

A mediator will help us both to an agreement. it's unlikely that we would go to trial, since there are no children or shared assets.

Just the dissolution of a dream.

Over the next few days I will be deciding what I am going to do. Make a plan.

I'm really grateful for the support here and in my community. I can't imagine how hard this would be without so much support. It already feels impossible. I've been practicing doing other things that scare me lately, pushing myself to face my fears and grow.  One step at a time, I think I can make it through.

[formflier]

Can I suggest the following "structure" for making a plan.

Get everything in order to "kick him out" and proceed... .but don't do it.  Once you know what standing up for yourself looks like... .if it goes badly and the dream ends, you know "your downside" or "upside" depending on point of view.

He can change but unless YOU change the dynamic, there is no incentive for him to do so.  You need "confidence" to be able to stand up for yourself.  You also need knowledge of the right thing to do.  Many of the "correct" strategies and decisions are counter-intuitive. 

bpdfamily can help a lot with the knowledge piece.

Last:  Do NOT sign the lease.  Let it go month to month.

If he pressures you to sign... .stand up for yourself.

Give serious consideration to you leaving and finding another place.  Do some shopping, there may be better alternatives.  Much less drama involved in that. 

What if he contests you making him leave... .what if he files counter-charges? 

FF

[BeagleGirl]

Gardengoddess,
You have done an amazing job getting the information necessary to make a plan.  As FormFlier says, it's always best if you can have a clear plan in place and be the one to choose if/when to pull the trigger on it. 

I also agree with FF that changing your pattern and using the tools available to us can have an impact on the relationship, but I am a bit less optimistic about the amount of change that can be achieved while living in the midst of an abusive situation.  What my T walked me through was doing everything I felt I could to not leave then helping me deal with the aftermath of leaving.  She had two goals in the pre-separation phase.  She wanted me to give BPDh opportunities and incentive to change (mostly around boundaries).  She also wanted to help me get to a place where leaving was well thought out decision rather than a knee jerk reaction to an incident.

At the time of my separation BPDh was undiagnosed and I didn't have this site and the specific tools available to me (though T helped me with a number of similar tools and directed me to resources for dealing with emotional abuse and destructive marriages).  I don't know if I could have stayed or stayed longer with the tools I now have.  I do know that I don't feel ready to go back just based on the tools I have.  I'm working on implementing them during our separation, but want to see some change before I go back. 

It sounds like you are still conflicted about leaving your husband.  If you see separation as the end of the marriage (something you don't want to or don't believe you or BPDh could recover from), then it is important to feel like you have done everything you can short of serving him with papers before taking that step.  Something that might help is listing out the tools you have tried to use and any tools you think you can give a try or more time to be effective. 

I found the book "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" helpful.  The goal of that book is to help you either stay well or leave well.  Both options require building what the author refers to as CORE strength.  It comes from a Christian perspective, but I feel is very applicable to a secular mindset as well.

C – I am COMMITTED to honesty – no more pretending.
O – I will be OPEN to the Holy Spirit, and wise others to teach me new ways of thinking, feeling and responding.
R – I will be RESPONSIBLE for myself and RESPECTFUL towards others without dishonoring myself.
E – I will be EMPATHIC and compassionate towards others without ENABLING abusive behavior to continue

On the logistic side:
A few things I've learned about legal separation, a process I'm currently going through -
Different states have different laws and "degrees of separation" relative to each other.  In my state, the legal separation process differs from the divorce process only in that a different box gets checked on the decree (marriage is not irretrievably broken vs marriage is irretrievably broken).  In my state, the "divorce box" can be checked at the request of either spouse starting 90 days after the separation is finalized with no ability to contest and no further negotiation of maintenance or custody terms required.  If you haven't already, it would be good to understand the differences between separation and divorce and what the process is for either spouse to trigger/block one or the other.

The ability to remain on a spouse's health insurance through a legal separation seems to be fairly standard, but may also be impacted by state law.  Some states even allow ex-spouse coverage on an employer's health insurance after divorce if part of the divorce decree.  Something to look into. 

The aspect that is dictated by federal law is the use of health savings account funds.  If you are on a high deductible insurance plan and use a HSA, this is something you may want to research.  It's an "issue" in my case, but may not be in yours.

Another thing you may want to investigate is the cost of COBRA.  With the current uncertainty of the health insurance marketplace, it is good to know what it would cost to remain on your husband's insurance  should he (or you) decide to move from a separation to a divorce.  It's something that is part of the discovery process in my state, but if this is a big area of concern you may want to see if you can contact his healthcare benefits administrator and request the cost and term of COBRA in the event of a divorce. 

Not having many marital assets or children would definitely simplify matters, but be aware that pwBPD can make the process extremely difficult even over small things (my BPDh is currently asking for discovery around how many airline and hotel loyalty miles I have - he may want them) so it's important to know what you want up front so you can focus on securing those things and not get caught up in the little stuff.  It's also important to know whether your mediator is open to you having separate legal counsel through the process.  My mediator was upfront with us that she recommends we each see a separate lawyer at least once to review the proposed agreement before it is finalized.  She has a list of "mediation friendly" lawyers.

The legal process can be very consuming and stressful.  I'd say it's pretty near impossible to do any work on reconciliation during the process, even if your purpose for the separation is to create a safer environment in which to work towards a reconciliation.  Add to that the "ugly" you may both see through the process and it's not uncommon to have fresh wounds to heal from after each session.  It's good to be in a place where you are as sure as you can be that this is the right thing to do and that you've exhausted all reasonable options before going there.

               

[formflier]

Since we are talking about limited assets and income, medicaid may also be an option.  I would ask about qualification standards and how spousal support may or may not affect that.

I would also ask if there is a difference in spousal support that is cash, that you get to spend as you want versus a service.  Let's say the agreement said your ex would keep you on his auto insurance for x number of years... .

Regarding levels of improvement.  Once you start down the road of enforcing boundaries, it is critical to be consistent.  Inconsistency is worse than no enforcement at all.

Inconsistency is worse than no enforcement at all

Critical you understand that.

Also critical you understand that improvement is not a straight line graph up.  Most likely there will be shock and mild improvement that there are boundaries, then a definite "worsening" of behavior as they "use what they know" to get you back in line.  Your action/reaction to this phase is usually the critical thing.  You must "win" this phase

There also should be clarity in your mind that there may be NO improvement.  Your spouse is an adult and may choose a different path.  Even though you don't like it, you must respect his choices.  He is an adult and must respect yours.  Your boundary enforcement is centered around "protecting" your ability to choose"... .because... .that's really what you control.  Focus your energy on what you control.

FF