Obsessing over possible cheating...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There was one time that I found a box of open condoms in his bathroom at a time when we were struggling with intimacy and had not had sex in about 6 weeks. I don't know how I managed to just sort of brush over that except that at the time there were much bigger fish to fry. He had just lost his job and was a barely functional human being - verbal abuse was the "norm".

Now in hindsight I cannot let this go. Not just THAT instance, but a handful of things he said toward the end. Once he asked me if I wanted something more casual. Another time he told me that he had "locked himself in a cage" for me. He was referring at the time to how socially isolated he had become in general. Then (later in the same conversation) he told me that when we started hanging out, he was flirting and doing things with "quite a few women" but had given that up because I had wanted a more serious commitment. That final awful day, right before he put his fist through the wall he screamed about how he had talked to women who wanted to ___ him and he had turned them down for me. I felt that he was making it clear that this was a sacrifice that he regretted and hated ME for.

So honestly it doesn't matter at this stage but I cannot let this go. Did he cheat? Probably... .but I feel like he probably tried fairly hard to be faithful which is why he resented me so much. But WHY? What need did it fill? Sex for us was amazing at first... .why did it get so dysfunctional?

I feel like I'm obsessively combing over each disturbing piece of our coupling and hoping to understand what happened - maybe I think that I will have an easier time letting go if I can explain these things to myself and the sexual part has been a particularly difficult aspect to put to rest.

i know - you can't make sense of crazy... .doesn't mean it's easy to let go of trying!

[Lalathegreat]

There was one time that I found a box of open condoms in his bathroom at a time when we were struggling with intimacy and had not had sex in about 6 weeks. I don't know how I managed to just sort of brush over that except that at the time there were much bigger fish to fry. He had just lost his job and was a barely functional human being - verbal abuse was the "norm".

Now in hindsight I cannot let this go. Not just THAT instance, but a handful of things he said toward the end. Once he asked me if I wanted something more casual. Another time he told me that he had "locked himself in a cage" for me. He was referring at the time to how socially isolated he had become in general. Then (later in the same conversation) he told me that when we started hanging out, he was flirting and doing things with "quite a few women" but had given that up because I had wanted a more serious commitment. That final awful day, right before he put his fist through the wall he screamed about how he had talked to women who wanted to ___ him and he had turned them down for me. I felt that he was making it clear that this was a sacrifice that he regretted and hated ME for.

So honestly it doesn't matter at this stage but I cannot let this go. Did he cheat? Probably... .but I feel like he probably tried fairly hard to be faithful which is why he resented me so much. But WHY? What need did it fill? Sex for us was amazing at first... .why did it get so dysfunctional?

I feel like I'm obsessively combing over each disturbing piece of our coupling and hoping to understand what happened - maybe I think that I will have an easier time letting go if I can explain these things to myself and the sexual part has been a particularly difficult aspect to put to rest.

i know - you can't make sense of crazy... .doesn't mean it's easy to let go of trying!

[jonmnemonic]

I think you can drive yourself nuts trying to analyze every situation looking for evidence of infidelity.  I know because I've been there.  For a long time I kept looking for the smoking gun.  Shortly after getting married my exBPD proudly stated that if she ever cheated on me I'd never find out because she was just that good at hiding things.

I suspect she started cheating while we were still dating in fact she was probably cheating with me on her previous boyfriend.  I'm pretty sure I was the replacement even though she'd told me they were done months before we started dating.  I think she had sex with one of my friends while we were married.  Lots of things she made excuses for that logically didn't make sense but it was the only answer she'd give before going off on me for asking too many questions.

- Leaving her girlfriends place around midnight and somehow took a wrong turn and got lost and didn't get home till 5am.
- Staying late at the office doing paperwork until 730pm even though the office closed at 5.
- Came home one night and I went to kiss her and her mouth smelled like penis.
- Etc, etc, etc.

The evidence of her being untrustworthy was right in front of me all along, I just mostly chose to ignore it at the time.  Whether or not she was cheating or just enjoyed chewing on penis flavored gum is really irrelevant at this point.  The truth is she is a complete nut job that never wanted to be in a normal adult relationship with me, never was the person she claimed to be and made her own choices that contributed to the demise of the relationship.  Do I need to know all the details to be able to put it to rest?  No, not anymore.  I was able to let go and move on.