2 years later and still struggling emotionally

[msphotog]

Well I planned on lurking, but here goes... .(Found this website from "Walking on Eggshells"

I was married for 11 years and have two children (6 & 9) with my ex. We've been separated 2 years now. I have the kids most of the time.

It is a struggle to co-parent, to say the least. He is emotionally abusive, abrasive, demeaning, plays guilt trips, and more, to the kids. Luckily, they have a happy and stable home with me. My son is seeing a therapist and I've been working on my kids with their self esteem and home life, etc.

But what I've really been struggling with is my emotions.  I didn't realize how bad the marriage was until I got out. Outside, it looked like a perfect marriage, but those who were close saw it for what it was. I was never physically abused, but the emotional torment was constant and intense.

6 months ago I saw a dr and was put on celexa and it's made a world of difference. Prior to that, I don't know I got through each day.

I feel almost like I have symptoms of PTSD. I do ok during the day, but at night I get so anxious and I worry and I think about what's happened or what kind of crap he's preparing to throw my way next. (It's impossible it seems to get away, what with kids. I do not respond to anything that doesn't have to do with the kids. i have him blocked on social media).

He's undiagnosed, btw, but wow does he fit every single criteria.

I don't know what the point to my post is... .there are applicable support groups around here that I can attend and I don't really have the funds for a therapist for myself.

I feel like I'm constantly under his thumb, that he still has this control over me and I hate it. I'm exhausted. While I'm not depressed any longer, I'm anxious a lot of the time and worry about everything.

Wow, if you've read this far, thank you. Now I'm off to lurk, haha.

[Mutt]

Hi msphotog,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you made the decision to join!

But what I've really been struggling with is my emotions.  I didn't realize how bad the marriage was until I got out.

I can relate with that, I think that many members on this board can relate with that as well, it's called FOG, fear obligation and guilt. I didn't think that things were different than a non married to a non until I got out, you're not with your pwBPD all of the time, the FOG lifts and you start to see things differently.

"FOG" - fear, obligation, guilt

I do ok during the day, but at night I get so anxious and I worry and I think about what's happened or what kind of crap he's preparing to throw my way next. (It's impossible it seems to get away, what with kids. I do not respond to anything that doesn't have to do with the kids. i have him blocked on social media).

Not sharing personal information is a good idea, I do the same, I don't co-parent though, I parallel parent. Parellel parenting doesn't make you try to meet in the middle and work things out, she doesn't have a say in my house with how I run things, and vice versa, we do talk about medical and school though.

That feeling where you feel anxious wondering what he's going to do next is called walking on eggshells, hopefully you can get to a place where you stop reacting to what he does. If I think about it, a lot of the behaviors is derived from emotional immaturity, a pwBPD are emotionally stunted at the young age of a child and I think that when my exuBPDw acts out, it's like a toddler having a trantrum although it's more intense and draining when it's an adult.

I don't know what the point to my post is... .there are applicable support groups around here that I can attend and I don't really have the funds for a therapist for myself.

Well you got your feet wet. Just know that you're  not alone, there are many people just like you that can offer you guidance and support, we help mend each others wounds. How old are your kids? Boys or girls?

[msphotog]

 Hi Mutt,

Thank you so much for the warm welcome.
Parallel parenting is exactly what I'm aiming to do. I'm starting to realize co-parenting will not be possible. I have a  year old daughter and a 9 year old boy. My son has high functioning autism and has taken a lot of emotional abuse from my ex. He just started seeing a therapist this week.

My mind is all over the place. The last month or so of doing all kinds of researching and looking through books, my brain is just a huge mess. I go from worrying about how to parent my kids to combat the level of 'parenting' they receive at his place, to feeling really good about how I'm going about it, to then walking on eggshells and waiting for his next move, to just spiraling out of control mentally. I'm exhausted, haha.

I also meant there are *not* applicable support groups around here.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey msphotog, Welcome, and glad you decided to emerge from the shadows!  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone, as Mutt notes.  Like you, I separated after 13 years of marriage, with two kids.  Yes, I'm sure your marriage was as bad as you describe, if not worse.  Most of us in a BPD r/s end up covering up a lot for the pwBPD.  It's unhealthy, but that's often what happens.  Now you no longer need to pretend.  We get it.  You may well be experiencing symptoms of PTSD.  I suspect that I did in the aftermath of parting ways with my BPDxW.  I would say, that's normal.

LuckyJim

[msphotog]

How did you cope afterwards? I'm a different person on celexa, I'm back to myself. Except anxiety riddled and high strung, though I hide it very well. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Hey msphotog, Welcome, and glad you decided to emerge from the shadows!  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone, as Mutt notes.  Like you, I separated after 13 years of marriage, with two kids.  Yes, I'm sure your marriage was as bad as you describe, if not worse.  Most of us in a BPD r/s end up covering up a lot for the pwBPD.  It's unhealthy, but that's often what happens.  Now you no longer need to pretend.  We get it.  You may well be experiencing symptoms of PTSD.  I suspect that I did in the aftermath of parting ways with my BPDxW.  I would say, that's normal.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi msphotog,

My mind is all over the place. The last month or so of doing all kinds of researching and looking through books, my brain is just a huge mess. I go from worrying about how to parent my kids to combat the level of 'parenting' they receive at his place, to feeling really good about how I'm going about it, to then walking on eggshells and waiting for his next move, to just spiraling out of control mentally. I'm exhausted, haha.

I think that I get this. I recall feeling like had no control of anything when the kids were at her place, she wasn't even considering what my schedule was like, I had to work and she'd want to drop the kids off with me. I also remember she would take the kids out of town and not tell me because her bf was with her. I felt emotionally distressed and drained, I couldn't fathom going through that for years.

I think that talking to others here helps when you want feedback about something, the forum helps keep you grounded, it also helps to get your story out. Try to take things one day at a time for now, sometimes I break it down even further, I was taking it one hour at a time.

I have anxiety too, there is no cure for that, anxiety is normal, it warns you of potential hazards, it's when it doesn't shut itself off or goes off when there is no hazard that it becomes a problem. I work out every day to keep the depression and anxiety levels manageable along with anti-depressants, I take Wellbutrin.

Have you talked to your  MD or GP about anxiety?

[Panshekay]

Welcome. Gosh it all sounds so familiar... .every single thing you said sounds exactly like what our son is going through. It's very difficult. I like the idea of parallel parenting... .it so true that they are unable to co parent.  Just know that you are not alone, you are feeling, I guess what most of us feel. Lots of anxiety and fear of what going to happen next. Our sons story is horrifying. If I was younger and not so darn tired I would write a book.

[Lucky Jim]

How did you cope afterwards? I'm a different person on celexa, I'm back to myself. Except anxiety riddled and high strung, though I hide it very well. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Hello again, msphotog, I'm uncertain what you are asking.  How can I help?  No, you're not losing your mind.  It seems you are under a tremendous amount of stress.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim