BPD and disappearing, "unreliability"

[willow89]

Hi everyone,

I just had a breakthrough conversation with my ex wBPD. She recently came back into my life in a whirlwind, going from actively avoiding me for almost a year (with moments of weakness and actual vulnerability to her emotions where she would break down and contact me at 3 AM, of course) to texting me at 6 AM and rushing over to my apartment to see me immediately.

Well, we saw each other that day and everything was amazing. For once (even though she was drinking, and because she was drinking) she was open with her emotions, allowed me to see her inner self, and we had one of the best conversations we ever did about our relationship. Simply, I never knew she cared about me *that* much. Well, after that we had sex and then she disappeared on me for weeks again (typical!)

Since then, I haven't seen her much and I've felt as if she's been actively avoiding me so I recently asked her if she regretted coming back into my life (since it was her choice) and she said that seeing me is never a mistake and she doesn't regret anything that happened between us when we saw each other, meaning being intimate and having the conversation that we had. She also said that she has been struggling with herself so she can't promise me anything for right now (which I know to be true), but that we'd see each other and talk soon.

She also opened up about how she is extremely unreliable with physical presence and that is a pattern in her family relationships, friendships, etc. She speaks of this "unreliability" a lot... .but she never gets to why it exists. I used to think that it was an excuse to avoid me in particular, but she's been using it for far too long (well over a year) and loves me too hard upon her return for it to be personal.

The thing is, she is not unreliable with everyone. Actually, most of her friends she sees on a regular basis. So is this "unreliability" just a defense mechanism against their most intimate relationships? Is that why she will disappear but come back loving me as much as she did before (if not more)? Is it all a smokescreen?

I want to be supportive so I end up not contacting her until she eventually returns (sometimes weeks later), but it gets tiring and I miss her a lot  Do any of you explain this or do you have any similar experiences?

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[stayingsteady]

Hi willow89,

It's great to hear that you had a strong breakthrough.  What you are going through is extremely common for many of us. 

You were right when you mentioned the defense mechanism.  There are many reasons for this.  A portion has to do with the fear of abandonment.  Basically, the closer the relationship becomes, the more hurtful the abandonment will be.  So, a closer relationship = a higher fear of abandonment.

By regulating personal feelings of closeness in a relationship (i.e. by taking a break when feeling more connected), the individual with BPD can decrease escalating closeness while also avoiding this intense fear all together while being away (out of sight, out of mind).

There are other reasons too, but I felt this may be the best one in regards to your personal situation.

I hope this information helps,

-Staying Steady