The creeping thoughts that lead back to him

[caughtnreleased]

Been totally NC now (social media etc) for a month although it's been LC for years. Feeling ok about it - but my mind has those strange ways of leading me back to wolf's den. I keep wanting (hoping) that he will have had an epiphany or breakdown, that I was wrong somehow, that I overreacted. I fantasize that his life is transformed, that finally he will change.

I think I'm addicted to fixing people. I spent my whole life trying to "fix" my mom, convince her of my reality. Of course it never worked. I dream now that something I do, or have done, will drive BPDex to change. And that fantasy seems to keep sneaking back in when I least expect it and makes me want to break NC (check his social media feed for one).

Probably an ego thing. Yes I would love to 'fix' them all. I guess I can only fix myself, but that's boring, difficult - and achievable. Imagine doing something where there is a risk of success... .and frankly I am on that path. Maybe it's the fear of going forward that keeps me looking back 

Any advice for those addicted to fixing others? I really need to get this urge out of my system. It has held me back for so long. Because of this I keep sticking my hand through the cage and of course, every time, he bites.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi caughtnreleased,

I've just replied to your post about books then saw this one.  I can relate to your intense desire to fix.  I too have been affected by this my whole life (well as long as I can remember). 

Any advice for those addicted to fixing others? I really need to get this urge out of my system. It has held me back for so long. Because of this I keep sticking my hand through the cage and of course, every time, he bites. 

 

Yes I would love to 'fix' them all. I guess I can only fix myself, but that's boring, difficult - and achievable.

In relation to both of the above quotes from your post, I can say that the first thing is recognising we have this urge.  The second is doing something about the urge, as you are attempting to do now.  It seems to me you've struck upon a stumbling block here in that it sounds like it's more appealing to fix others than yourself, which I can also relate to completely. 

The turning point for me has been to realise that I do need to put the time and effort into myself (something very strange, new and totally out of character!) if I am to be healthy in myself and (ironically) able to be of better help to others.  In other words, I don't wish to stop caring or helping or wanting to do what I consider the right thing.  However I DO want to have boundaries and care enough about myself that it isn't destructive to me in the WAY that I go about caring and helping.  The article on the site here about codependency
(https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)
spelled out to me that it is an unhealthy need to help.  I'd like to help others in a healthy way; one that can be positive both for them and for myself.    For the moment I have therapy lined up to help me to get there.  I've also ordered the book Co dependent No More, which I'm eagerly awaiting arrival of. 

What have you tried already and what has worked/not for you so far?

Love and light x   

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Harley Quinn,

Thanks for your responses. I have tried many things and while I think most helped me in some ways, the progress was sometimes so small that I couldn't really notice that I was progressing.

However, I think the single most important thing that has helped me is creative expression. Since meeting the BPDex I have explored my creativity (which I had essentially left dormant since my early adolescence) and the things that I used to love to do (but which were meticulously hammered down by my BPDmother). This includes music, theatre, dance. There are a couple things that have really stuck and they are by far the most important things that have helped me. How have they helped me? Well for one, they have immensely strengthened my sense of self. They have also taught me that there is room for error, for trial and error and that I can be out of key sometimes, foolish, silly, obnoxious, daring, which allows me to experiment more freely. By far and away, I urge anyone on these boards to do something like this... .to give themselves the gift of exploring their creative side.  Enough to progress, enough to allow yourself to make mistakes.

I was never allowed to make mistakes growing up and at first when I showed flaws in what I did I flinched with horror and embarrassment, sure that I would get kicked out of the class for lacking talent. In a way, my mother, then I, had denied myself a 'learning curve' - expecting to be 100% good from the get go and if I wasn't it must mean that I wasn't cut out to do whatever it was I was trying to do. But despite the mistakes I kept going. And noticed that others around me made lots of mistakes and seemed to have no problem with it, which then made me be less harsh on myself. The ability to be imperfect was revolutionary for me, and suddenly opened a door of freedom. But with that came the necessity to accept that I could make an effort and come up with something mediocre sometimes.

Today it is what gives me the greatest strength to understand that those nagging thoughts about the BPDex are simply old habits of a defective mind that seeks validation from someone incapable of giving it. I want to stop my mind from going there. I know it's possible.

[Emotions]

Drop by drop each day you move closer to your goal... .it's not gonna fill up by a huge pitcher suddenly getting poured on you... .but each day if you work towards your goal, it will fill you up with a drop of inspiration or whatever you want to call it... .slowly but surely you (and me) will get there... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi caughtnreleased,

That is so wonderful to read!  I'm thrilled to hear you have such a great outlet and that it is proving really positive for you.  Thanks for sharing this.  I'm feeling very inspired, and excited as I have an art on prescription referral and am due to start at an art and creative well being centre soon, which has me feeling like a kid in a sweet shop!  I agree that a way to explore our creativity is extremely therapeutic and also allows us to almost go back to our child stages of getting messy, making mistakes and potentially creating something we can be proud of.  I'm glad you've done so much learning through this and am looking forward to the same sort of experience.  Your self awareness is commendable and your bravery to recognise and challenge some of those deep rooted beliefs shows great strength.  Keep up the great work with your healing!

Love and light x