Going through painful custody battle with my BPD wife.

[Dorian211]

I am going through an excruciating custody battle with my wife. I have just started to put the pieces together and believe strongly that she is BPD. Her mother has been married 7 times and took the kids away from the father when they were young leaving them completely alienated from him.

I want to ensure that doesn't happen with my son. In my case I am far from perfect and have provided her with tons of ammunition that she is going to use in court against me to make the case that I am an unsafe and unsuitable parent.  The courts and my attorney appear to be uneducated about the severity of the issues here. We have a court date in the next month. I am desperate for guidance on how to handle this. How do I collect compelling evidence for the hearing and how can I possibly defend against her stream of perceived slights.

[Mutt]

Hi Dorian211,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time, I'm glad that you decided to join us, there is hope. Many of the members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. If both parties that are divorcing are non's it's difficult, some people separate amicably after the marriage, that's not to say that there can't be high conflict with non's too.

Divorcing a pwBPD though is on a completely different scale, I can relate with the high anxiety / emotional distress, you're not alone.

The hearings are not far off, it sounds like your L ( lawyer) is not quite up to snuff with BPD and maybe just in general terms too. Do you trust your L? Do you synchronize with your L?

[Panda39]

Hi Dorian211,

I want to join Mutt and welcome you too 

I wanted to suggest a book that might be helpful to you and your attorney... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by: Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger

How old is your son?  Are you seeing/experiencing parental alienation now?  What kind of concerning behaviors are you seeing from your stbxw (soon to be ex-wife)? Just trying to get a feel for what's going on 

In terms of gathering evidence... .do you have any emails or Text messages with her that show concerning behaviors? If your son is in school how is he doing in school? (When my Significant Other (SO) was in the process of divorce his ex had primary custody and both kids had issues with absenteeism for example) Are you seeing any kind of neglect?  (My SO's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw)... .failed to get the kids medical care or dental care in a timely manner for example).

In terms of your own behavior you can't take back whatever has happened but you can be squeaky clean going forward.  If you are like my SO you probably feel a lot of anger (and probably with good reason) but you need to keep that in check.  If you need to vent this is a great place to do it.

One suggestion I have if you are not already doing this is to communicate with your ex only through email.  It slows everything down and gives you time to process and not just give a knee jerk response.  Read the email is it all Dorian211 bashing... .don't respond.  Is it a legitimate email about your son... .respond using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) in other words short sweet and to the point.  Keep the emails as documentation of your interactions.

Hang in there  , I know other members will be along with more support, ideas and tools.

Panda39

[Dorian211]

Thanks guys,
Presently she is only allowing me to see my son 10 hours a week. I filed a request for order after she denied all visitation and initially refusing to go to mediation.  We then went to 3 mediation sessions but she independently "snowed" the mediator to make her believe that she was abused.  As I gradually learn to calmly put boundaries up, she becomes more erratic.  She is now calling abuse hotlines and we've been swperated for a year and a half.  She has turned all of our mutual friends over to her side so they are not speaking with me... .and I suspect are going to give her sworn affidavits in court. 
My son is being told to report back to her the anything I may be doing.  He is also telling me not to come in her home and to go back to my home when I drop him off. I have just woken up these past 3 days to realize that she is BPD. My attorney unfortunately isn't trained in that area and we don't have the funds for a custody evaluator.  In general my son is doing well... .s I'm not sure how much value it would be at this point.
The one thing I can do is calmly do small things that trigger her and document everything so that the court can see it.   Does anyone have any other suggestions?

[sfbayjed]

How is our relationship with your Son?  What do you mean she doesn't allow you? Is there an order in place? If not, isn't it up to him right now? Of course he doesn't want you to come in. He is being smart. You two are like oil and water. Kids have to manage the best they can.

BPD's are good liars, but they can't maintain the façade for long with many. Have faith. Do something everyday to improve yourself. Work on your relationship with your Son. Make that solid. Let her have her rope for now. It is okay. She isn't fooling people as much as you think she is.

Do not act in the way she wants people to think that you are. She is trying to push buttons, everything is designed to get to you.

[Turkish]

Hi Dorian211,

In my case I am far from perfect and have provided her with tons of ammunition that she is going to use in court against me to make the case that I am an unsafe and unsuitable parent.

What do you feel is "tons of ammunition" that you have provided?

[ForeverDad]

There are many resources on our various boards here.  In addition, there are several books that are virtual Must Reads.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger
www.HighConflictInstitute.com
www.BPDCentral.com

New & better approach to handling Parental Alienation attempts - Dr. Craig A. Childress
www.drcachildress.org/

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak
www.warshak.com/divorce-poison/

Boundaries by Henry Cloud
https://drcloud.com/shop/Boundaries

[Skip]

The one thing I can do is calmly do small things that trigger her and document everything so that the court can see it.   Does anyone have any other suggestions?

I think the best way to get constructive help is to lay out what she has against you so members can help.

In general, though, the courts in your state strongly favor co-parenting and the most important thing is to show that you are a caring and suitable parent.

Provoking her in court or provoking her and recording it, effectively trying to show that she is mentally ill, is not likely to be successful or helpful. Here is one lawyers opinion on the matter:
www.thurmanarnold.com/Family-Law-Blog/2017/January/How-Oppose-Illegal-Video-or-Audio-Recordings-in-.aspx

What is the most significant thing she has against you?

[flourdust]

Hi, Dorian! I want to jump in and welcome you, too. I definitely concur with the recommendations to read Splitting and some of the other books as a starting point.

A custody evaluator might be a very smart move for your son's future, to get away from this case being decided by he-said/she-said, even if it's going to be a financial burden.

[Mutt]

Hi Dorian211,

My son is being told to report back to her the anything I may be doing.  He is also telling me not to come in her home and to go back to my home when I drop him off.

Wow that has to be really difficult when you drop your son off and BPDw interogates him . I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this.

How are you handling this? How old is he?

[Dorian211]

Thanks everyone. Appreciate the positive support. A couple years ago both my parents died and left a lawsuit with the man involved in my father's death. At the time the business that I helped build for my wife also was loosing tons of money every month.  It was an awful time and I chose to self medicate by drinking. Needless to say that wasn't the best choice and I let my resentments get away from me on several occasions. So I take responsibility for that.
Since then I have gotten sober and lead a healthy life. All that said, what I am observing with my wife is that she has a family history of parental alienation. Specifically, her mother moved the kids away from their father and severed all communication with him so they are completely alienated from him based on what she says about him. Of course he is a respected retired psychology professor with glowing reviews from all his students. I have met him and he is a lovely person.
That's the first red flag. The second is her history or early life relationship trauma. Her mother put the kids through 7 marriages/divorces. The third red flag is she reports experiencing an identity defining event in high school where by her reports she was sad all the time and then made a decision to "always be happy, " thereby  refusing to acknowledge or work through any of her trauma. To this day she is known to everyone as the happiest person they have every met.
The fifth red flag is her own relationship history. Her last boyfriend of 12 years before me wanted to marry her, they planned a whole wedding, and then something innocuous she said "triggered " her into believing it was a "trick" and she called the whole thing off. They had a wedding but no one got married. He was so traumatized by it that he wrote a book about it.  The boyfriend before that apparently went so mad he took her out to the woods with a shotgun.
What I observe in her behavior is that she misinterprets events consistently and believes that a) I don't love her or b) that I am abandoning her. Her reaction to these events is very much oversized and erratic. So much so that I have to constantly manage her reaction which is exhausting. She is now calling abuse hotlines and we have been separated with barely any contact in months. So I am getting concerned this thing will go south once we get into court. I am reading "splitting" and it has been very helpful. Currently she and I haven't expressly committed to divorce. The court date of is to establish a more equitable custody schedule. I am incredibly nervous about how to approach even telling her that it seems like it's not going to work for fear of her reprisal. I just need to protect myself legally and ensure my son gets more time with his father. Any thoughts on how to approach this?

[Skip]

You said she had a lot of things to say against you and witnesses to back it up.

What does she have? We're anonymous here so you can spell it out. What did the mediator "buy"?

Also, what has your time with your son been since the separation? Have you met your obligations on pick-up and returns, etc.

This is really important to know to get help in representing yourself in Temporary Orders dispute.

[Dorian211]

My son is 4.5. I have met my obligations for pickup and drop-off and pickup and we have a lot of fun. We get along great and he is always sad to leave. We have a temporary stipulation for 10 hours of visitation a well that I made the mistake of signing after she denied visitation for a month and I was desperate.

Regarding the past we both have a history of drug and alcahol. The drugs stopped years ago, but the alcahol continued. I got sober in January. She refuses to admit any issues on her part.

[Skip]

So you got sober after the last agreement was signed and you are 150 days clean?

Have their been any incidents of the problems she cites since the signing of the last agreement?  HAve you attended parenting classes?  Do you have a good home environment for your son?

[Dorian211]

Hey Skip,
No I got sober at the beginning of January so it's been 6 months. After she denied visitation in Feburary, I had no choice but to file an RFO with he court.  The agreement was signed in early March granting visitation again.  As far as I know there have been no incidents other than a small fender bender as I was driving my son back one day.  But she could be making up a list.  She agreed initially to go to mediation where I calmly sat as the "identified patient" but we made no progress toward an expanded schedule.  Then she stopped wanting to go to mediation. So we're basically waiting out the clock.  I do have a good home environment for my son and he likes coming.

[Skip]

Is there any reason a judge wouldn't give you 40/60% or 50/50%.

It's not about slimming each other - that strategy can really backfire and judges are smart - its more about showing the best interests of the child. After age 3, the father plays an important part in a child's development.

What's best interests? That's what you really need to show.
Document what types of things you all do.
Talk about what you would do with the extra time (get him on a T-ball team, etc).
Talk about the things you have done or are doing to be a better person (get an drug/alchol screen, take a parenting class, join a church with a good family mentoring program, develop a list of thing you want to do with you son (teach to fish, etc) - pick things that he likes.
Also, document how reasonable and cooperative you are with the mother. Collect polite, constructive texts, maybe get the two of you on a parenting website where you communicate in  a structured way.

I don't think making a big issue of her mothers marital past will help. You can express a concern about her past, but keep the focus on why you son needs to spend time with you.

[Dorian211]

Thanks Skip... .that's super helpful.

[Dorian211]

So I found out recently from another parent that she has begun to talk to the other parents at my son's school to tell them that I am not to be trusted.  I had invited numerous parents over for a play date with my son and now they are all telling me they have other plans.  I reach out to them and they do not respond.  The crazy thing is that we haven't even agreed we are divorcing, so it's not like there's any closure... .and in that context talking to other parents about us or me is disconcerting. How should I handle this?  Shall I talk to them individually? Should I talk to the teachers as well?

[Panda39]

Hi Dorian211,

The badmouthing seems to be a common thing, happened to my SO too.  As far as the parents of your son's friends go, I think you let that go.  Eventually they will figure out that something is off about your stbx or if they don't do you really want a relationship with them?  Just be yourself and remember she will be herself too.  You might want to up your participation at your son's school so the kids and their parents see you for who you are vs what they hear.  Do not unload your dirty laundry on these people (as much as you want to) do not enter the drama triangle.

In terms of your son's teacher, I would talk to her/him about the conflict that is going on... .this is not a bad mouth the stbx fest, but about your son.  Let the teacher know that there is a lot conflict going on and you want her to be aware in terms of your son.  This isn't about the teacher taking sides but about helping your son through this transition between you and his mother. 

Everything should always comeback to what is in the best interest of your son. 

Panda39

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  I would add that the courts have to follow law and facts, not emotions and hyperbole.  While it is true that dramatic statements and accusations can be used against you (as a form of legal abuse) eventually, this can be borne out as unfounded and you can survive.  I'm not saying it's right, or easy to endure, but, keep faith and move forward with a lawyer that is assertive, and well versed in using the law to get to the objective (described as a litigator not a negotiator).  

In situations like you describe I think we all hope for, and lean on, a child's ability to overcome and be resilient.  Please don't overlook the need for his counseling.  

As for the other parents, I think I might not worry.  Eventually, sane people begin to recognize crazy people.  If it comes out that you are getting divorced, the other parents will probably consider that stbx is vindictive.  And then, if they still side with mom, you didn't need them as friends anyway.

Good luck, and take care of yourself!

[SamwizeGamgee]

I wanted to add my opinion that I think that far too many dads don't get adequate parenting time, or custody, because of tradition, or society's expectations.  However, I do think that they get what they fight for - or settle for.  And that is changing for the better, with dads getting more equal time.  I hope that is your case.

[Dorian211]

Thanks everyone for all the help and insight.   I wanted to give an update after our hearing.  We were the moving party requesting 50/50 co-parenting. In the filings, my ex claimed I was a safety risk to our son. Normally the judge would begin by asking us questions, but in this case she began asking opposing counsel questions.  She noted that there were some minor issues 10-12 months ago but nothing to indicate my son was in grave psychological or physical harm.  She also noted that there did not appear to be any instances in the recent past that would lead her to believe he would be in peril under my care.
Opposing counsel attempted to characterize me as an unsafe parent and a reckless driver, etc.  the judge asked me a few questions about that.  Instead of denying or making excuses, where I was wrong, I admitted it.  This was important. The judge accepted my answers and then looked at my spouse.

She then said, "Look, I understand this is hard.  But each parent has an equal right to parent their child.  I can not make an order based on a parent's fear."

Her words will forever stick in my memory.

She then asked us to go outside and come up with a plan for 50/50 custody that ramps up in 4 months! I expected the worst... .perhaps a couple of days increase over a couple years.  I was so shocked and overjoyed my eyes welled up with tears.  After only seeing my son for 10 hours a week, we just I had the first sleepover together in a year and a half.  It was amazing!  

For those going through this process I can only sympathize and tell you to read and educate yourself as much as you can, practice BIFF and especially validation communication techniques, and post on this board.  You will get through this!
Thanks everyone!

[Panda39]

Congratulations!  What wonderful news. Enjoy all the time with your son... .as they say in the MasterCard commercials "It's Priceless".

Panda39

[SamwizeGamgee]

I just fist-bumped my computer.  Good work dad!

[ForeverDad]

Congrats on a good decision.  I usually write that court decisions are generally "less unfair" than the disordered ex's demands but it seems you've gotten a no nonsense judge.

This does not mean it will be smooth sailing henceforth.  We hope it is but don't count on it.  We don't know her as well as you do but there is high risk she may try to sabotage the judge's goal to get you two to equal time before the end of the year, just in time for the holidays.  If she has made allegations against you before, then it will likely happen again.  Be alert to any framing of mischief.  Even if she ultimately fails, it could still delay the scheduled changes.  Beware not to let your guard down, don't yell back or lose your temper just because she does.  As a mother she can misbehave and not get much in the way of consequences.  As a father you can't afford making missteps.

In my own case, I came out slightly better than my ex, equal time and I was residential parent for school matters in the 2006 final decree. But she was still just as entitled, even when I was assigned Legal Guardian in 2011.  It wasn't until I also gained majority time during the school year that her entitlement bubble deflated enough to be manageable.  We haven't been in court since.