4 days after another breakup and Her Bday today-contact or not?

[truthbeknown]

Today is my exuBPD's birthday.   She is in the discard stage with me.  :)espite my attempts to navigate through this I feel like a failure.  Everything action that I take, everything I have tried to do to try and connect with this woman has been turned against me to make it seem like I'm the problem.  I can't do anything right with her.  And the odd thing is that when she displays certain behaviors I also get drawn in to talking about them.  For instance, I had already been discarded in March after going back to visit my kids.  She did this over the phone.  

Everytime I have been in her presence since then she acts like she misses me and wants to touch me and kiss me.  However, when I put up a boundary for this she started being more passive aggressive with me.  She started throwing in my face how much she does with "the replacements" but then not giving me a chance to plan anything with her.  There is always a "logical" excuse why she can't meet with me.  I was just trying to maintain a friendship (because she said that is what she wanted) but it's clear to me that we can never be friends or at least my concept of friends and hers is very different.  I actually talk to my friends and let them into my life.  She seems to just want to know that i'm still interested in her but is happy to reject me at the same time.  

This last week has been the final realization that she may have BPD.  Before this I just kept telling myself "but she is so nice, even when she lets me down, she always has a logical reason so maybe it is me!"  And by the way, my life has tanked since I have gone out with her.  When I met her I was making good money.  Now I'm in a struggle for my life.  Things have fallen apart so badly that I believe in some weird way I take on the projections of negativity etc from a partner if they are borderline.  It's almost as if I"m living their negative fear or expectation of me.  I don't know how it happens.  On the surface, I tried everything to get back on track and instead of things getting better I just kept running into more people like her (in the work world).   So even though she has problems, I obviously have problems too.  Anyone looking at my life from the outside might think that my ex partner is justified in abandoning me.  And maybe she is? I don't know anymore.  

All I know is that I got a new job this past week and wanted to take her out this week to celebrate before I started. (maybe I was secretly hoping that she would take me back if she realized I had a new job?).  She pushed me off until July18th when she is kid free for a week.  So I go from being totally devalued to feeling like she is planning a recycle with me that week. Again there were some logical excuses for settling on that day but that would make sense if we had never gone out before. Now she's trying to keep me away from her when she has kids around (as if i'm the problem) she asked me whether it was a date or not because "we cant' hold hands and I can't touch you" and all i could say was the facts (you told me that you wanted to be free and to see other people?)  That blew up in my face as she bragged about how easy her new replacements were to her compared to me. She even through in there how she would contact her ex husband (who calls her names) to drive with her to pick up her son because she doesn't want to drive by herself. This triggered me bc I treated her like a queen and now I'm getting treated worse then the ex who abuses her! So I told her that it was hard for me because I feel like I'm not in her Inner Circle anymore and yet she wants to touch me when we're together.  I said, that this was too hard because I still have feeling for her but I can't let her hold my hand/kiss if she still wants to say that she needs to be free from me or not be in a relationship with just one man.   I think she is punishing me for having boundaries.  So she goes to Al Anon and comes back the next day with a text saying we shouldn't see each other until we heal and make it to the next step of our relationship.  This after telling me that she would call me to continue our conversation.

This switching to make it appear that i'm the one who is acting borderline to her really frazzles me and makes me feel angry/sad/disrespected etc.  I don't think there is a next step for me!  What will be different from now.  I won't be able to call her or engage with her without her rejecting me and having all the power.  to me that's not a relationship.   However, what's hitting my emotions is how she is using maturity in a sort of psychological reversal way.  She couldn't be mature about her and her role in relationship but she is trying to take what they probably told her at Al Anon and act like she is in control by being mature like this.  

I feel like our relationship never existed now that I'm in phone/text mode.  If i saw her in person she would not do this to me (same thing happens with my ex wife so I'm used to it).   However, today is her birthday and i'm feeling like if I reach out to her:

on the one hand i'm giving up my power and playing into her Narcissism of knowing that she controls me now matter what she does.  I keep thinking of that phrase: we teach people how to treat us.  And therefore if i reach out to her then I am teaching her that it is okay to treat me however she wants and then i'll keep coming back (like a submissive).

on the other hand, if I don't reach out to her or at least on facebook, it will give her the opportunity to show others her victim story about me and how I don't even care about her.  Of course thats a game I can't win anyway so I don't know why I get sucked down this path.   I guess because I got addicted to her a part of my brain wants to leave the door open but it's a dangerous door.  She said she has issues with letting go and that's why she keeps talking to me.  That makes me feel like she is treating me poorly so that I'll make this choice for her.  I think it's time to give her what she wants me to do as sad as it is. Either way I lose!   

However, while it may not be taking the high road by abstaining from her birthday, it feels like I'm partly sending a message (even if she doesn't take it this way) that i'm not playing this push/pull game or any kind of game anymore.

Okay please give feedback because as I clear the FOG i'm still foggy!  thanks

[Mutt]

Hi truthbeknoen,

on the one hand i'm giving up my power and playing into her Narcissism of knowing that she controls me now matter what she does.  I keep thinking of that phrase: we teach people how to treat us.

I think that you know the answer on the inside, but you need help because of the FOG.

I speak for myself when I say this, maybe it will help you, I think that a BPD teach you something powerful when you learn to react differently
stop trying to control what you can't control and take control of yourself.

A lot of us here ( hand up for me ) had little to no boundaries and the boundaries that we did have, we'd cave when our expwBPD would push hard enough. Let's look at this from the other person's perspective, they know that's all that it takes is to keep pushing, or have a tantrum and we'll conceded, the lashing out is because you're defending your boundaries, keep defending them! The lashing out will eventually subside but I know that the acting out from the other party is not pleasant.

I spoke about taking control earlier, if you've recycled often and you said happy birthday around that time of the year, maybe she broke up with you because it was stressful around this time, maybe she's hiring a milestone? That being said do something different, if you are serious with breaking up, don't wish her a happy birthday, that way it telegraphs that you mean it this time with breaking up.

Think Obligation in FOG, are you obligated to wish her a happy birthday of you've broken up?  

[roberto516]

This switching to make it appear that i'm the one who is acting borderline to her really frazzles me and makes me feel angry/sad/disrespected etc.  I don't think there is a next step for me!  What will be different from now.  I won't be able to call her or engage with her without her rejecting me and having all the power.  to me that's not a relationship.   However, what's hitting my emotions is how she is using maturity in a sort of psychological reversal way.  She couldn't be mature about her and her role in relationship but she is trying to take what they probably told her at Al Anon and act like she is in control by being mature like this.  

Oh how I can relate. It was a real 180. She went from being the one who needed rescuing and having depression, high anxiety, low feelings of self worth etc. to the emotional mature one. Saying we weren't a good match, she needs to work on herself, etc until I finally pushed her to finally admit that she gave up on the relationship and she didn't want to try.

One day after she went to therapy she said she feels like she has to save me. Seriously? After 18 months of me saving her she now flips the script.

I get all of the emotional turmoil.

My only feedback, for what its worth, is that she is just as confused as you are. Trust me on this. Someone with traits, like other people, can struggle with indecisiveness and real intense emotions. It's the fear of abandonment mixed with the desire for  a connection. The classic push/pull. I wouldn't take any of it personal.

In this moment, she has heard information from Al-Anon which has given her the new identity. Well it won't last more than likely. These are long ingrained beliefs and behaviors that will take extensive work to change. One thing someone with traits struggles to do is persevere through mental and emotional turmoil and work. It's easier to run from it.

For you, write a pro's and con's list of benefits versus negatives of sending a message. My ex' birthday will be next month. I have no intention of sending her anything. Kinda like you, I want her to know she doesn't control me anymore and that she isn't worth my time anymore. Will it fulfill her prophecy of me? Maybe. Just like you. But honestly... .who cares?

[truthbeknown]

I was going to say: you wont believe this but its a BPD site

She just sent me a text telling me what went on during the week and its her bday. Wow .

Jekyle and hyde for sure.

Still deciding if i should respond.

[Huh?]

She's using you.

I know this, because I could have written a similar post.

I let the "arms length" love you just describe go on for 2 1/2 years while I tried and tried to rekindle the idealization phase with her.  Key words, I LET.

She loved the attention, trips, gifts, etc etc. for those two years and all I got was mixed messages, confusion.  Like you, the fruitless effort led to the attrition of my self esteem and the brink of financial ruin.  I finally said enough is enough... .I can't go on... .I even pathetically confessed to her what a loser I was in a final correspondence.  Her response? Nothing, silence.  It's been almost a year now... .she literally didn't care... .and like you, there were other guys.  She was the sweetest, most inncocent little angel in my presence... .but she had a very dark side in my absence.

My point, this will go on as long as you let it.  You will never get the woman that idealized you back... .she's moved on to the next victim.  :)on't let her watch you hang yourself over her; she'll enjoy it. 

These people are psychopaths.

[Panda39]

Yep you are in the FOG alright 

My SO asked the same question when he was separated and going through his divorce. He has 2 daughters with his uBPDxw so this is what I told him.

You are no longer together you are under no obligation to send her a birthday card (or any type of birthday greeting).  What you can do is help your daughters get her a card and present because you are their dad but that's it, nothing else is required.

So Truthbetold, she is your ex you are under no obligation (FOG) to send her a card or post birthday greetings on facebook.  She is going to respond to that how she is going to respond to that... .you can't control her, you can only control what you do.  Honestly, if you were a friend of mine and I heard the he's so crappy he didn't even wish me a happy birthday story from your ex, I'd think what's up with her they broke up why should he!

Panda39

[Harley Quinn]

Hi truthbetold,

This relationship ended for a reason.  4 days is not long and it's unfortunate for you that a special occasion is here in such a short time.  These occasions are notoriously triggering for a pwBPD, probably due to past disappointments at these times when a person is 'supposed to be happy.' 

roberto has a good point in that she is confused too and struggling with her ingrained coping mechanisms.  None of us came into our r/s completely emotionally healthy.  We all have our own struggles too, so can empathise.  However you can recognise that she has these traits and accept that it is beyond your control or influence.  Until/unless she gets proper help long term to deal with her own issues then this is not going to change. 

You can however control what you do and the choices that you make.  So how would you like your future to look?  Don't think about this involving any other person/s.  Just yourself.  How do you want to feel?  What do you want to be doing/achieving in your life from a personal point of view?

She just sent me a text telling me what went on during the week and its her bday. Wow .

Jekyle and hyde for sure.

Still deciding if i should respond.

 

The past is gone and the future isn't here yet.  We only have now.  This moment is a gift, that's why it's called the present.  You have complete control over what you do with it.  Just know in your heart whether it takes you towards healing and true happiness or not... .

Love and light x   

[truthbeknown]

thanks for all the feedback everyone.  Here's the final outcome.

I went back and read the message and it said, "thinking about you and your mom regarding (my stepdad) being in hospice.  I went to a funeral for my friends husband (68 yrs old) on Thursday and then buried (daughters name) hamster on Thursday as well while she's at camp. Trying to celebrate life while dealing with loss is not fun.  Hope you're enjoying this sunny day (her name)"

After re-reading it I could tell that this was a mixed message.  Of course it's so hard in text messages anyway to read things/ emotions into the message.  So I did decide to be human and respond by saying: "hope you have a great bday and thanks for thinking about my stepdad and my mom."

I felt like this kept it flat and unemotional for me and sort of matter of fact.  If she was trying to pull me into a conversation I wasn't willing to risk chatting back and getting no response and the same for calling.  I was not even in the place where I want to talk to her right now because it is too hard for me to listen to her in distortion land or switching back and forth land.  

So I felt comfortable at least expressing some humanness back to her rather then just going NC to her message.  I have personally witnessed some of her so called friends resort to treating her this way too because they know how flakey she is.  What hurts is that despite her friends treating her pointedly and matter of factly (like I am having to now) I was always kind and loving to her when we were together.  What's hard about these personality traits is that they don't have a sense of appreciation which -I guess- turns into the devaluing.   I don't plan on contacting her in the future and if I get future message like this I'll decide whether I even want to respond or perhaps I will just be very withdrawn and unemotional.  It seems like she is used to that anyway but I did have a sense that she contacted me just to "keep me in play" or see if I was "out there".   I think or feel that she just wants to know that I'm "there" - not to love or to go out with or to have a relationship with but just to know.  It's so strange how Narcissists work.  I don't believe she has a new bf but her replacements (one's a woman and the other is a man but he's a player so she wouldn't probably sleep with him (but who knows) might not have been available today.  The woman can't be alone!  

As far as my future: I'm in so much financial turmoil and questioning a decision I made last fall.  It's in the past so I have to focus on what i can do now.  Started a new job but I don't really think its what I want long term but I was running out of options.  There could be a potential to travel if I do well this week so there is alot of pressure on me right now.  I want to find a stable path but I'm not sure where I want to live.  My kids are in one state and I was living 2 states away.  Now I'm basically living with some friends and trying to get so assemblance of security back. If this job works out then maybe I can think clearer but right now i'm still in that Fog too.   I'm praying, meditating and hoping. I believe in positive things for others now I have to remember how to believe in positive things for myself.  My whole self esteem seems to have been tied to r/s with Women.  And yet I really have not experienced a healthy one yet.  I'm done.  I don't think I fit into this r/s world.  And yet I still do not want to be like the man at the fitness club who is using women for his pleasure. (he said the single life is great- he just goes to Columbia and sleeps with hot 20yo girls.) ukk.

That's what hurts the most, I'm not that kind of a person/man and I was so willing to love and yet I have never been in a relationship with a woman who could give that back to me and it be REAL and not borderline falseness.  

off to lick my wounds- thanks for listening everybody.  thanks for the support through this.  Hopefully one day I"ll be able to return the favor on here and have a more uplifting story.