Driving Him Away...

[memovingforwards]

Hey y'all! I'm new and I think my situation might be a little out of the guidelines for this site, but I need help, please.

The Background:
I've been with my SO for 13 years. He's known early on that I, at some point, want to get married and I don't want to be old when I do it. I'm 35, he's 40. We've only lived together for a little over a year. That was my choice because we could not financially support ourselves if we left our current living arrangements. At about year 5, I start dropping hints that I'm interested in marriage and looking to move forward with our lives. We have a full blown conversation about it and get on the same page. The only exception: he insists we live together for at least a year before he'll propose. Family history of divorce plus almost all of his friends have been divorced.

Fast Forward this past 6 month:
I've always been a little short tempered, but nothing too bad. I've always been moody, too. A few months ago, my boyfriend left his computer on a screen talking about bipolar disorder, depression, and an article about a mans girlfriend being emotional abusive to him. I brought it up casually because ignoring it seemed wrong at that time. I asked if he was researching those for something, he accused me snooping, I clarified I asked to use his computer and those were tabs left open, kind of easy to read what's on the screen and the tab titles. I apologized if he thought any of that was about me, he said he didn't want to talk about it. In a burst of anger later, he stated he felt like I gaslight him. I've never walked on eggshells like I do around him about this issue. I feel terrible he thinks I'm like this and I'm not trying to be a jerk like that.

Fast Forward to a Family Party A Few Weeks Ago:
We went to his family gather a few weeks ago and he was talking to his niece. She asked about Aunt XX, he clarified that I could be her friend XX, but not Aunt XX because we weren't married. My heart broke. My 4 nephews call him Uncle X all the time. When the family wanted to take a picture, I stepped away from where they were going to do it, I even offered to take the picture so that all family could be in the photo. He I be in the photo with him because all family should be photographed, I pointed out I wasn't family - I was just everyone's friend. He insisted I was family. A neighbor took the photo.

Added History:
Neither of us have been diagnosed with BPD, however, I'm actually the one who exhibits more traits. My Dr. doesn't care to diagnose BPD or depression or even high blood pressure. With the uncertainty of insurance the last 12 months, she doesn't want to end up hurting someone's chances of coverage... .

Status: Still together, 13 years, and no interest in getting married (at least as far as I can see).

My Question:
Am I being overly sensitive on the issue? When my lows kick in (more often lately than ever) it's hard for me to judge. I love him. I think he loves me.

I know this is site caters to SO's of people with BPD, so I'm sorry if anyone is alienated I'm seeking help here. I want to make this work with him, but I'm afraid I'm driving him away. Worst, I'm afraid our goals aren't on the same page as I had thought they were. I couldn't think of who better to ask than someone on the other side of this relationship.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

Hi Oona84 

Welcome.

To want to be married before you get older is normal. I appreciate what that must be like for you. This is going to have more meaningful for you because you've been together for more than 5 years and you're both over 35. I know it can't be easy discussing marriage when there's that environment of divorce around his friends and family.

I encourage you to seek a qualified therapist or psychiatrist despite your current doctor not giving a diagnosis. Even though there may not be a formal treatment plan, having the support of such a person can be very helpful during this time for you and him.

I look forward to seeing how your story develops.

[Pulka]

I myself have been in the predicament of being with someone who had  no inclination of getting married.

have you had a sit-down conversation and simply said do you want to get married, ever?

You will need to question yourself; is marriage a deal breaker for me? How will it improve our relationship? Could I still be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get married? Is there a compromise?

Once you understand your own feelings on the matter, and have had the conversation of marriage - I believe you can then move forward.

With regards to MH - I'd recommend seeking help, if you notice you are unwell in anyway. This will enable you to receive appropriate treatment and learn how to cope during your low moments.

Keep us updated on your progress!

[Mutt]

Hi memovingforwards,



I agree with Pulka, his behaviors telegraph that he's not ready or doesn't want to commit, he may not talk to you about it directly, I also think that it's a good idea to bring it up and discuss it.

have you had a sit-down conversation and simply said do you want to get married, ever?

You will need to question yourself; is marriage a deal breaker for me? How will it improve our relationship? Could I still be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get married? Is there a compromise?

Once you understand your own feelings on the matter, and have had the conversation of marriage - I believe you can then move forward.

I agree, ask yourself what are my boundaries, does my SO have similar or the same values as I have?