Feeling alone and scared - of the future. My husband has all the control

[Mamaka123]

I've been married to a man for 13 long years.  He never showed signs of his rage or lack of empathy when we were dating.  He was so secretive about his upbringing and family.  It wasn't until after the marriage that little signs started to show.  I've tried so hard over the years to make excuses for him and his behavior.  We have a son together. He is 9 years old.  His cruelty now extends to my little boy. If he is angry with me, he has denied my son kisses goodnight.  He calls us both liars, he screams at us for everything.  He is only happy when evtcan be controlling to his satisfaction.  I was paying bills last month and I noticed he took all of out life savings out of my name.  I don't know what he did with it.  He took my sons bday money (that I had saved up over the years) and put it into his own name also. He changed his address so that he no longer receives mail at my house. The house and all the utilities are in his name. I don't know what to do and I fel like such a fool.  If I mention anything he says I deserve this and that I don't get a say it's all his money.  Please, if you have a moment to send a little encouragement or understanding my way, I would appreciate it. Thank you

[joeramabeme]

Mamaka123

Welcome to BPD Family, so sorry to hear what you are going through. 

You mentioned that he has placed the money in his name, are you still living together?  Since the bills are in his name is he planning to continue to pay for the basics.  Are you presently safe where you are at?

It sounds like he is really in need of being in control, has there been anything that has challenged his sense of this that he is reacting to?  Or is this a total change of heart from out of the blue?

[Mamaka123]

Thanks for replying back to me.  The controlling every thing... .isn't out of the blue, that has been going on for years. Draining the accounts is something I didn't see coming, he did that and never told me. I found out by accident.  I'm not supposed to ask any questions and if I do, he just a walks out and leaves.  He says he is sleeping at his moms house.  He has been gone on and off for about  1 1/2 months.  The bills are All in His name, but I pay the majority of them from my own money.  The house was his before we married and he said since I have a "free" home to live in, I need to pay the bills for it.  Even though I make half as much as he does.  I owned my own home prior to the marriage, but once I sold it, I put all the money into joint accounts because that's what I thought married people do.  He never added me to his accounts.  He has checking accounts with his mother, life insurance for her, basically it's almost as if he is taking care of her.  I thought His caring for his mom ( was supposed to be a good thing),  I never knew how odd their relationship was until after I was married.  He spends so much time with her, my little boy didn't even think he lived with with us.   My mother law is a very cold person, she doesn't even want him to call her mother. She is known as the lady.  That's how he addresses her.  When I had my son, things became so much harder.  I couldn't control everything for him.  His needs were no longer my primary concern.  Being married to him has been the worst decision of my life.  I can't believe I didn't see more of the signs.  I feel so much guilt because I wanted my child to have a loving involved father, not a dictator.  He is cruel to my son and I don't even know why he is anger at him.  He is only 9 years old.  He is such a vindictive person.  His mother is too.  They have cut off ties with every member of their family except each other and one other person.  What am I going to do?  If I divorce him, he already said he will take my car, the house, the money, my engagement ring and now, he says he is going to take my son. 

[joeramabeme]

I am pretty sure he cannot just take everything from you and walk away.  You may want to talk with an attorney keeping in mind that he may also be having an extraordinary rough patch over the last 2 months.  Have you thought about doing this?

[Gardengoddess]

Mamaka123, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds so painful.

I am working on freeing myself from someone who is very controlling about money too. I recently met with a lawyer through the legal clinic at my local DV (domestic violence) agency. Even if he has not been physically violent with you, you may be able to get help through an organization like this. And you will need help going ahead. Your husband is threatening to and taking actions to hurt you as much as he can. You have to take action to protect yourself and your son. You have legal rights as his wife that he cannot take away from you, though he may try. I was surprised and relieved at how much the law protects spouses in DV relationships. And there is a lot of support out there, but asking the right people and being proactive is key. You need help to get through this and protect your son.

Keep records of everything. Every conversation, every financial transaction. You are not betraying your relationship by doing this. He has already trashed your relationship. He has shown you with words and actions that he is in this for himself and is not a partner to you nor a parent to his child. You are still trying to think as a partner, but you need to start thinking like a single mother. This is heartbreaking, and terribly unfair to you. But it appears to me to be the reality.

Start - or continue - building your support network. Find a great therapist, a DV agency and support group. Find a lawyer, or at least start with a legal clinic. There are options for people of limited or no income. Lots of womens advocacy groups. And keep exploring here, it's been really helpful for me to have the emotional support from people who have been through what I am going through.

Find moments of peace.
Find ways to nourish yourself.
Educate yourself on your rights.
Protect yourself and your child.

You are not alone.