PwBPD and my phone

[onelittleladybug]

I need some help setting boundaries with my pwBPD. This is a new behavior that I dont know how to deal with. He is handling my phone too much. In my eyes, too much is anything more than picking it up to give to me when Im looking for it, or occasionally when I need to use it as a remote control for a music app or something similar, and by invitation only. To be honest he is not the only person in my life that seems to think its ok to grab my phone and look at it so this will help me in many ways but my r/s with pwBPD has a bigger explosion risk and I think if I can handle this I can handle the others.

He has mostly held it in his hands for extended times while fussing around trying to find a place and the right charger for it. But he has also grabbed it to google or youtube something.

To be fair I do touch his phone, only in the morning when I have stayed over to snooze his alarm that goes on for 1 hr. Im a light sleeper with an internal alarm so while his alarm doesnt wake him up (only my voice does) Im just hearing a lot of noise in the morning if I dont turn it off. I actually prefer to never touch his phone, Im uneasy with it as it is as important for me that he has his privacy as it is for me to have mine.

Im wondering why this is so hard to do. I am sure that he will accuse me of hiding something, and the truth is I am. I get email alerts on my phone and its happened that a bpdfamily message had just flashed on my phone right before he grabbed it. I want to receive email pop ups from various sources, work being the most important but also other things like bpdfamily.

Any insights?

Do I put it like this?

Ladybug: I appreciate your help making sure my phone is charged. I need to keep my phone private, there is confidential information on it regarding both work and some personal stuff. I know your intentions are good, you want me to have a charged phone so I can check my messages and show up on time for appointments. I think maybe also you are being extra supportive because you used to dislike how much of my time I spend on messaging either clients or friends. I have noticed your support and it means a lot to me. However it makes me uneasy whenever someone other than me is handling it.
... .

Ugh I worry that no matter what I say it wont go well. I just dont have a good feeling about this. While this is a small and mundane problem it has the potential to get out of hand. Im as worried about having to answer questions about my BPD emails as I am worried about how hard it will be to get him to stop this. Also this: First charging, then google and youtube. Leading to maybe reading full emails later? He is a technologically advanced person. He has gotten in trouble for it in the past.

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[Zemmma]

Oh what a topic! My BPDex read my phone every time he could separate it from me. Every time I fell asleep! Emails, texts, photos, facebook. It took me so long to figure out he was doing it. He was reading the texts I was having with my recently separated husband. Then accusing me of things. He would find all sorts of things that he didn't like. I said something to my ex, I talked to people and didn't mention him, whatever. He could find something where there wasn't anything to be found. He found flirtatious messages I sent to a guy I knew in high school before I even met him. He found me "flirting" with gay friends. When I caught him he didn't stop. Every time I caught him and told him this made me very angry, he promised he would stop. Then I'd find out he had done it again. And again. And again. It was his obsession. I started using a password but he watched me closely and memorized my finger motions. Later I used the complicated password, but I think somehow he was still able to hack it.

This kind of behaviour wasn't just with the phone. He was a full on spy. Stalking me and my friends over bar fences on girls night out, searching my house and then breaking into my briefcase when I went to the grocery store, hiding under windows to eavesdrop, eavesdropping if I failed to hang up the cell phone or did a pocket dial, you name it. My ex even accused me of leaning away from him when I was using my phone.

No respect for boundaries. He told me he thought he has a "right" to see all of it because r/s's should be open. He thought I was secretive and hiding things if I wasn't okay for him to read conversations between me and my sister (why should he have access to her secrets too?). In the end it was one of the reasons he cited for our relationship being flawed. He made it sound like I was defective for wanting some basic privacy rights. For not sharing everything. He said he wanted to be like Romeo and Juliet... Whaaaaaaat? Those two little twits? Forgive me Shakespeare, but I got so sick of that reference.

My gf who has a mom with BPD told me that if he admitted to doing all the spy things he did (a lot), that is probably just the tip of the iceberg. He has since told me as much. No wonder he didn't trust me. He read diaries from the times when he broke up with me. He read those horrible lists that you write to try to get over someone (e.g. he has a double chin, he chews toast loudly, he has yellowed teeth, he has stupid-looking feet... you know those horrible negative lists meant to help you get over an ex)? He never should have read that stuff. It wasn't even all true, just a way to cope. But then... he read it and I could never make that stuff go away in his head.

So no, I do not recommend you say those things to your beau. I would just get a really complicated password and turn off all of the visible alerts. Then if he notices your phone is locked he will have to ask you why. And you can nonchalantly say, "Oh, I have some private information from work" so I decided to use a password or whatever. This is good practice anyway. You don't want alerts popping up at work either, or when with your mom, or around kids or anywhere. Just use a password always. I do. No one needs to have access to your phone.

If he is anything like mine he is reading everything and reading into everything in the most toxic way. And it probably adds to his mistrust, misery and inner struggle. He will use it all against you- even if he doesn't tell you everything he has read- it is based in his insecurity. That is not romantic.

Thanks for reminding me of another one of the wacked things he did to make my daily life ridiculous and painful.

[Triedmybest408]

I am curious how everyone else handles this as well... .I have always been private with my phone... .

whenever we fight fiance will always use that in arguments that I am so secretive.

Ive told her I have nothing to hide, but something between friends needs to be private. My friends don't need her knowing their business... .

her claim is that shes the "cool" gf and things like that won't bug her... .(which is the very opposite).

Everytime I have brought up privacy its always about something I am hiding or not being as "open" as her and her phone is open whenever I want it. I always tell her that I trust and don't need to look through her phone.

To the OP, while i still use the same code to unlock my phone, I turn off all notifications and manually look. I am at the point where I need to tell my friends that its best to talk to me in person vs text (really hard as I am a text only person)

[Zemmma]

Yup Triedmybest408!

Secretive and not open! I was so shocked by this. Because I have never opened up to anyone in my life as I did to my BPDex. I can hardly imagine being more open.

I was married previously for almost 30 years and it never occurred to me to look through my husband's phone or emails, or that he might be looking through mine. I don't think it is usual behaviour at all. I think of it as a basic respect for another individual. But wow. Another uncanny similarity. So weird.

[Gumiho]

My pwBPD too constantly touches my phone, reads SMS, messenger, emails, even checks what tabs are open in browser ans prys into search history. And she doesn't make up any excuses.

Although there's nothing ever to be found, she'd turn the tiniest finding into a whalefish flung right into my face. Like once I've been invited to a buffet by a girl from church. I told her myself before, after that she accused me of cheating

In my case, it might stem from an event about 2 months before we started dating. Maybe the second time we met, I was chatting with a girl I had known for quite some time before her. She saw the other girl sending a message, grabbed my phone and wanted to read it. I was so taken aback that I snatched my phone back from her grip, and looked at her totally startled. (She thought I was angry and tried to hide something from her)... ugh, that must have been her first blow-up. I had to explain who that was, apologize and block the other girl to get her down. Maybe that was another I ignored, how someone you only just got to know can do something like this (privacy invasion). In retrospect she might have already decided to reel me in back then. wow she's one control freak.

I just let her do as she pleases to avoid blowups. I am not hiding anything. She does.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Zemmma 

Oh what a topic! My BPDex read my phone every time he could separate it from me. Every time I fell asleep! Emails, texts, photos, facebook. It took me so long to figure out he was doing it.

Ugh that is so hard. Im sorry you went through that.

My ex even accused me of leaning away from him when I was using my phone.

Yup Ive been accused of the same. And you know what I probably did! I had a good reason to as I expected to be accused of anything random if he saw my phone. Or questioned about things that really are none of his business.

He made it sound like I was defective for wanting some basic privacy rights.

Yes that is most likely the story he told himself to sustain his self defeating behavior.

Ive had many similar things happen in my r/s with pwBPD. Many times I got so upset and hurt over it. Ive lately come to understand that its not really personal. I just happen to be standing next to the hurricane and thats why Im being thrown around. When my pwBPD behaves like this and its hurting me it actually helps me to remind myself of how badly they must be feeling. How tormented a person must be if they spend that much time and energy desperately looking for proof for something that will deeply hurt them.

He read diaries from the times when he broke up with me. He read those horrible lists that you write to try to get over someone (e.g. he has a double chin, he chews toast loudly, he has yellowed teeth, he has stupid-looking feet... you know those horrible negative lists meant to help you get over an ex)? He never should have read that stuff. It wasn't even all true, just a way to cope. But then... he read it and I could never make that stuff go away in his head.

Reading peoples diaries is generally a terrible idea. I know two people that did, my ex read mine (hes a non) and a good friend read her then boyfriends. Shes also a non.

I would just get a really complicated password and turn off all of the visible alerts. Then if he notices your phone is locked he will have to ask you why. And you can nonchalantly say, "Oh, I have some private information from work" so I decided to use a password or whatever. This is good practice anyway. You don't want alerts popping up at work either, or when with your mom, or around kids or anywhere. Just use a password always. I do. No one needs to have access to your phone.

Well heres where I disagree with you. There are two factors at play here. One of them is that if I modify my behavior around my pwBPD I am "walking on eggshells". That effectively makes me miserable and it also feeds into my BPs suspicion. Which then makes me even more miserable... .

Im not saying that there arent times and circumstances where doing this would be appropriate. Some people work jobs where this might be called for. But in my life and circumstances which are that I am self employed so I dont have a boss breathing down my neck, and I dont have any children around me. If I had kids in my life they would still be ok seeing what pops up on my phone. My pwBPD is very smart, he can rationally assess what is appropriate when he is not dysregulating. He knows my work and life circumstances and what is appropriate. He frequently picks up his own phone and shows me a few minute long video on his screen. Which is an act of trust because he is entitled to the very same privacy as I. If I locked my phone like a fortress he would accurately assume that he was the reason and that would feed his distrust. Its also not fair as I do open his phone under certain circumstances (described in my original post). However the difference lies in that I allow him to be in control of what he shows me, when and how long, and I need the same level of control with my phone. This is a subtle but important issue.

Secondly there is the issue of setting and maintaining boundaries. The idea of boundaries was fussy to me and I struggled with it until I came to this board and learned that boundaries are based on your values. Now this is making more sense to me. Its important to me that the people in my life respect my privacy and my pwBPD is no exception. Im setting a rule on this and that rule states that you can touch my phone, but only when invited to do so.

I slipped up with this rule a few times, I let my pwBPD handle my phone for too long and without being invited. Now I have to rein things in. I expect that to meet with some struggle. I need to assert this boundary. I am dreading the potential of a dramatic outburst (a pet peeve for me) so Im trying to find the perfect way to put it. I might not succeed but Im also learning that its my actions more than my words that have the potential of changing things.

[flourdust]

Hi, ladybug. I having some trouble following your reasoning. It's not a boundary that he respect your privacy. That's a rule you want to unilaterally impose. A boundary would be what action you will take when he violates your privacy. Locking your phone because he has violated your privacy would be a boundary.

It's very difficult to get a pwBPD to change behavior consistently, and if it's threatening to them, almost impossible for that to happen without some negative reaction. If you want to protect your privacy, you'll have to accept that you can't both do that and have him like it. So which do you want more?

BTW, to the poster whose ex wanted them to be like Romeo & Juliet -- you can always tell who hasn't actually read the play to see how it ends. 

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Flourdust

I having some trouble following your reasoning. It's not a boundary that he respect your privacy. That's a rule you want to unilaterally impose. A boundary would be what action you will take when he violates your privacy. Locking your phone because he has violated your privacy would be a boundary.

OK understood. I still confuse the terminology. Locking my phone is not the boundary I want to set so I am looking for an alternative.

If you want to protect your privacy, you'll have to accept that you can't both do that and have him like it. So which do you want more?

I want to protect my privacy more than I want peace. I also want reciprocity when it comes to respecting territory for the lack of a better word. F.ex. my pwBPD wants to drive my car. This is completely out of the question for me based on how recklessly he drives when dysregulating and how much he drinks and drives. The fact that he himself wouldnt eager to let me drive his makes this easier to enforce. If I handled his phone for as long as he recently did he would not be happy. Its imperative for me that he gets that he needs to respect my rules as I respect his. If it costs me a few days of ST so be it, Im used to those by now. What worries me is a verbal confrontation where I am unprepared. Ideally I would like this to involve as little voice raising as possible.

I was thinking I could Dearman this, am I off again?

Again locking my phone more than the setting I have on now is not something Im interested in at this time. I have a pw on it that kicks in after a minute or two but alerts pop up no matter what and you can see the headline, who emailed and about what. I spend 2-4 evenings/nights per week with my pwBPD (sometimes less) and it does not make sense for me to alter the way I use my phone and potentially miss important messages throughout the rest of the week just to buy myself some peace while with him.

*Edited to add explanation/reason for denying pwBPD access to my car.

[Pulka]

From my experience someone with BPD may look through your phone for 'evidence' of infidelity or your preference to another; albeit a friend, an ex or flirtation.
In some respects it's like emotional masochism, in that they're looking for evidence to damage their self-esteem and self-worth. 'She doesn't love me.'
The behaviour validates the abandonment issues and also gives them 'points' to throw during an argument.

Personally, my husband and I use one another's phone in sheer laziness. But permission is always requested first.

If you do not wish to implement added security to your device, I would recommend a discussion. Think of your case points first and find a good environment to reduce an outburst.

Approach the subject in a relaxed manner and simply state how you feel. Try not to start a sentence with 'you' try starting with 'I've noticed/think/feel' and using 'would you mind' it seems like you're asking and not telling.

Unless he's totally unreasonable, I'd doubt this will be a huge issue.

[Triedmybest408]

Our last blow up ... where my gf accused me of doing something I didn't do

Went through my phone, bank statements

Went through my messages, group messages etc (I deleted/left a group chat of my close guy friends fearing she would take our private conversations and make them ugly "guy talk"

I have yet to set any boundary with phone because it's such a hard subject

But I've given in because there's really nothing to hide other than her knowing some friends attitudes when they think it's all guys

Sucks

[Harley Quinn]

Hi ladybug,

I read a parenting book on non violent communication (sorry I forget the title and it was loaned to me so can't go check the cover right now) and it had a great method for approaching something you want to alter.  It's really simple and non confrontational and goes like this:

Observations (when I see, hear... .etc)
Feelings
Needs / Wants
Request

So in this instance it would go a bit like, "when I see someone holding my phone, I feel very uneasy, as I want my privacy to be respected.  This is important to me.  Would you be willing to ... .?(let me charge it myself/refrain from picking it up or using it without asking or something along those lines)

Hope this helps.  Works well with my son.

Love and light x

[Zemmma]

How tormented a person must be if they spend that much time and energy desperately looking for proof for something that will deeply hurt them.

He constantly did this! Constantly looked for proof of my infidelity! And believed he found it so many times. (He did notl). He would make things up to satisfy his imagination Hurtful things.

I understand you don't want to change your phone settings. In my case we were on another level. I told him that if he hi-jacked my phone again it meant he was prepared to say goodbye. Needless to say the r/s did not last.

[bananas2]

Ladybug -
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, but glad that you posted this topic, as it seems many of us have been the victim of this same invasion of privacy and utter lack of respect.
I can only tell you what I did in my own experience with this and hope that it helps, although I understand that even though pwBPD have similar characteristics/symptoms, each situation is different depending on the individual and the r/s.
I accidentally discovered a few years ago that my BPDh had been regularly checking my phone: calls, text messages, emails & Facebook for YEARS - pretty much since we began our relationship. I only found out bc my brother called me very concerned that I had called him at 4:30am and hung up. Of course it wasn't me who had called him, but my hub who accidentally dialed him during one of his phone-spying sessions. I confronted my hub, who of course, lied about it, then finally cracked under interrogation and admitted to everything. I told him that bc of his lack of respect for my privacy, I would be putting a passcode on my phone and all my accounts. That worked for awhile until he tried to crack my phone passcode and after 10 incorrect attempts, it deleted EVERYTHING from my phone and locked me out. I lost everything - contacts, pictures, you name it.
After that, I had a talk with him about respect. And here are the 2 things that somehow seemed to resonate with him: 1) I asked him if, in all those years checking my phone, if he'd EVER seen anything suspicious on my part. Answer: Nope. 2) I stated that my passcodes are not to hide anything I am doing, but rather to protect the privacy of my friends and family. I explained to him that my family & friends would no longer want to contact me in writing if they knew that their comments were not for my eyes only, and asked how would feel if he were in my situation. It seems that when he thought of himself in my situation, it suddenly mattered. Sad, but true.
Your S.O. broke your trust and abused privileges. Actions = consequences.
I look forward to you updating us on your attempts to resolve this and the result.

[onelittleladybug]

Im sorry I havent been following up on this thread its been a busy week.

Moxie, Zemmma, Triedmybest, Pulka and Gumiho; Thanks for sharing your stories and your input. I think I would make the same choice (to lock my phone more than I am doing now) if I was living with my pwBPD and this was a constant issue in my life. When it comes to dealing there is enough to choose from and a lot of the time I just want a shortcut to a solution. As it is I dont spend that much time with him so this is coming up maybe once a week. There were 2-3 nights in a row when this happened but nothing since.

Personally, my husband and I use one another's phone in sheer laziness. But permission is always requested first.

Exactly. Of course the people closest to you will occasionally use your phone, purse, even wallet if ever invited and I feel thats fairly normal or at least common. Some people in my life think that a one time invitation gives them repeated permission but I prefer the rule that each occurrence needs an invitation.

If you do not wish to implement added security to your device, I would recommend a discussion. Think of your case points first and find a good environment to reduce an outburst.

Approach the subject in a relaxed manner and simply state how you feel. Try not to start a sentence with 'you' try starting with 'I've noticed/think/feel' and using 'would you mind' it seems like you're asking and not telling.

Unless he's totally unreasonable, I'd doubt this will be a huge issue.

He can be unreasonable at times. He makes up stories in his head about me and other people. But he is highly empathetic and a good person and I think your advice will help me immensely. Thank you!

Observations (when I see, hear... .etc)
Feelings
Needs / Wants
Request

So in this instance it would go a bit like, "when I see someone holding my phone, I feel very uneasy, as I want my privacy to be respected.  This is important to me.  Would you be willing to ... .?(let me charge it myself/refrain from picking it up or using it without asking or something along those lines)

Harley Quinn this is excellent! I already know this is the way to go because as much as he can rage and say the meanest things, I know from experience and observation that he wants to be considerate of my feelings. Obviously not in the moment he is dysregulating but all other times.

My worst mistakes that I unfortunately keep repeating is rationalizing and intellectualizing. When I remember to approach him on an emotional level things go better.

This is exactly what I was hoping to get out of this thread. Thank you so much.

[Grey Kitty]

If he's using your phone purely out of convenience, and this didn't result in him snooping into things which aren't his business, or getting upset about them, you probably wouldn't have been upset enough to create a topic about this subject.

You stated that locking your phone more isn't what you want to do, but that you only spend limited time with him.

You have an in-between option to lock the phone down more only when you are with him, or turn off notifications when you are with him.

Lastly, the sort of conversations that HQ and OHM sound like a good way to introduce the request that he not handle your phone... .but remember, he has BPD.

So while he will likely understand/agree with you while in a good mood, it will probably go out the window when he's in a different mood later.

So this conversation is to tell him why you are preventing him from using your phone not to ask him to stop using your phone--you would do well to make sure he doesn't have access, and this is to better manage the change/transition with him.

[onelittleladybug]

If he's using your phone purely out of convenience, and this didn't result in him snooping into things which aren't his business, or getting upset about them, you probably wouldn't have been upset enough to create a topic about this subject.

Hi Grey Kitty

Did you read my first post? I said my main concern is that I get email notifications that are visible even when the phone is locked. They will show the subject line and who its from. F.ex. From bpdfamily, Subject Topic Reply: PwPBD and my phone. Whoever handles my phone even if its just to plug it in will see this flashing. He hasnt snooped yet that I know of. I actually wasnt upset when I started this thread. I was trying to prevent potential scenarios before they happen as Im slowly learning from experience. Im trying to figure out how to make things work and not constantly be in crisis mode.

You have an in-between option to lock the phone down more only when you are with him, or turn off notifications when you are with him.

Yes and that is a great advice for probably a lot of people other than me. Because I wont remember to turn that on before going to see him  

Lastly, the sort of conversations that HQ and OHM sound like a good way to introduce the request that he not handle your phone... .but remember, he has BPD.

So while he will likely understand/agree with you while in a good mood, it will probably go out the window when he's in a different mood later.

I dont get a lot of opportunities to forget about it (BPD) but thankfully there are some. However it is when I forget about it that things go south. Thats a topic for another thread.

So this conversation is to tell him why you are preventing him from using your phone not to ask him to stop using your phone--you would do well to make sure he doesn't have access, and this is to better manage the change/transition with him.

Yeah I thought Pulka and HQ were clear on telling vs asking. I agree with all of you that makes a huge difference.

Ive said before that locking may be the best way for others. I hope someone reading this in a different position than me doesnt think this is a black and white issue. I think there are choices. I choose not to lock my phone because it will cause me to miss an important email. Im self employed, Im "on" even on Saturday nights. Sometimes a project gets delayed significantly if I dont answer in time and that affects me financially.

PwBPD has learned to accept that I have to take the phone sometimes. He doesnt like it. Sometimes it turns into a drama. That doesnt mean I wont take that email. I compromise with him and check my phone less. Im not going to give it up completely but I am trying to "meet him halfway" as he calls it.

Things for me and my pwBPD have gone from terrible and hopeless, to much better and hopeful since I found this forum and changed the way I communicate with him. He is responding to it. I feel like the more constructive communication I have with him that are based on the tools the more things improve. So I want to rely on that rather than actions that Im not comfortable with and inconvenience me. It may cost me a few more silent treatments then so be it. But locking my phone would feed into his distrust, that is completely guaranteed. Even I would wonder what was up if he put a stronger lock on his phone. I might not lose sleep over it like he does but I would wonder what was up with that. Finally its worth repeating that if I want to be able to turn off his alarm in the morning (on his phone) its not fair that I lock mine like a fortress.

[Pulka]

Ladybug   sounds like you're making progress!

Remember: this isn't a big deal!

The second BPD pops into your brain and you worry about the potential consequences, is the second you'll doubt yourself and your right to privacy.

Try not to over think it, just  take it easy and relax - who knows he may understand? Just imagine you're asking him to pass the salt, except privacy is not a favour it's your right.

I'm pleased you're willing to challenge the issue, rather than throwing a lock on your phone -  doesn't actually resolve the problem, rather it may cause distrust within the relationship. Try explaining a sudden phone lock to a non-partner... .That's bad enough!

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... .I do have one other thought for you on the technology front:

Seperate biz and pers emails. Set things up so your phone notifications don't show up for personal ones or potentially triggering ones. (On my IOS phone I could set up mail with one account and a dedicated gmail app with another if at least one was gmail, and have different notification settings for the two of them))

If you use gmail, you can also set up filters or rules that tag messages into a folder and makes them skip the inbox (for example any notification from these forums!) Other email systems likely have similar capabilities, but I have less experience with them. That might save you from having to switch a bunch of email addresses... .

[bananas2]

I told my husband last night that "phone-snooping" was a topic on this board and told him about the feedback I gave about how he stopped this behavior. (Surprisingly, he doesn't seem to mind that I'm on this board). I asked him if the reasons I gave for him stopping his spying were correct. He said yes, but that that those reasons (not finding anything incriminating, thinking of himself being spied-on) were secondary to what really ended his phone-snooping, and that ultimately he stopped doing it bc he was beginning to find it detrimental to him, not me. He said it was an obsession that was controlling him and he didn't like feeling controlled by his obsession of checking my phone.
I'm not really shocked by this, but at the same time, I find it sad and hurtful that the main reason he stopped was bc it made him feel better, and that the lack of respect for my privacy was secondary. Ultimately, it was all about him & his feelings, not mine.

Ladybug - have you come up with a solution to resolve the issue? Is it working?

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Moxie!

Ladybug - have you come up with a solution to resolve the issue? Is it working?

Sorry I didnt respond sooner

Well as it goes with my pwBPD he stopped doing it for a while. That and Ive also been in the doghouse for a week for reacting negatively to his shame. I assume it is going to happen again and my plan is to implement what Harley Quinn and Pulka suggested and just explain to him how I feel when I see another person playing with my phone. He is actually a very empathetic person (when he is not yelling) so I have a very good feeling that this is the best approach.

I did accidentally take the notifications off my phone and am actually finding it to be very calming and that I still manage to reply to urgent and important work emails in time. I still dont want him or anyone else to handle my phone too much but Im no longer worried about him seeing bpdfamily notifications.

I should also have clarified before that while Ive had to deal with a lot of jealousy my gut feeling was that this was more about enmeshment, his feeling that we didnt have anything separating us, than him wanting to snoop on my phone to find anything incriminating. I think his jealousy is more about not wanting to share me with anyone than truly believing Im cheating.

I find it sad and hurtful that the main reason he stopped was bc it made him feel better, and that the lack of respect for my privacy was secondary.

I understand that feeling. Ive had so many of those "what about me" moments. Heres what Im learning though: This feeling means Im not taking care of myself enough. When I find myself feeling left out its not really because he is neglecting me, its because I have been neglecting my own needs.

Ultimately, it was all about him & his feelings, not mine.

I will go as far to say that its not just all about him and his feelings, it is for us too. Its about how we feel about what they do. Otherwise we would never react, there would be no conflict. Food for thought.