Pushing DD away and feeling guilty

[ManiacalFairy]

My 18 yr old DD has drained me for so many years that I've been distancing myself from her and the guilt is awful! It's gotten to the point that I can only relax when she's out of the house so I let her live her life with very few restrictions. I'm counting the days until she leaves for college.

I bought a house out in the country and married my fiancé of 5 years. It's a 30-40 min commute to get back into town. She hates me for all of it but I had to start moving on with my life.

Tonight after my commute home she begged me to drive back into town with her to go to the mall. I told her I was tired, had been up since 5:00 and didn't want to go. She laid on the guilt that I never do anything with her and I'll admit that I'm a homebody and hate going out especially on the spur of the moment. But Saturday I had nothing to do all day but she stayed in bed all day when we could have done something then. She says she was tired from working the day before

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi ManiacalFairy,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you've found us, there is hope. Many of the members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. I don't have a child with BPD traits, I have an ex wife that shows BPD traits, I am familiar with how it feels like when those traits are directed at you. 

My 18 yr old DD has drained me for so many years that I've been distancing myself from her and the guilt is awful!

I completely understand how a pwBPD can leave you feel down and emotionally drained, what do you do for self care? Self care is important for our emotional and mental well being, it's especially important when we have a loved on that suffers from BPD.

Tonight after my commute home she begged me to drive back into town with her to go to the mall. I told her I was tired, had been up since 5:00 and didn't want to go.

One of the most important tools that I learned here that completely changed the dynamic of the r/s with my ex wife is JADE. I used to have long drawn out fights with her and I felt depressed, angry and emotionally distressed with this routine.

Don't Justify Argue Defend Explain, say things once or maybe twice but you're not obligated to explain any more than that, it gives a pwBPD many chances with conflict, it's not problem solving, it's probably soothing her at that point and it leaves you feel emotionally exausted.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)