how can i feel so bad when things are technically going well?

[incadove]

I feel guilty posting here when I see so many serious problems, I just don't know what to do or if there is something wrong with me.

My dd is trying hard to do the right things, she is consciously kind most of the time even when she's feeling bad.  She used to have big conflicts with me about helping out or chores and rules, but she has been very helpful now as an young adult when she visits.  So I should be so happy!  And I was, gradually, though it was hard to build back trust, and I got her things and did stuff together; but then she just sort of snaps and flips to a sort of cold wind, where she is negative about everything and she does not want to talk about it.  She used to do this much more, but now she tries to sort of stop and be polite and even tries to be positive about small things, so I don't understand why I feel so hurt.  I guess anyone else in my life, I could say 'hey, I need to talk to you, what's going on?' and they would.

I think I need to try to appreciate her more, I do consciously try to do that, and follow the tools and approaches, but inside I just feel so hurt and then I want to cut off emotionally, which I think she sees as some kind of favoritism to her siblings.  My problem is also my work is very isolating so I can't easily distract myself with friends and activities. 

Thanks for listening, I think really I need to just center in myself and try to be supportive, its just hard for me.  I find myself wanting to get away even though she's doing well, because of the attitudes that come across, and I can't express myself like I would with my other kids because she'd react or be hurt.  So I try to validate a lot, like a lot, because she does have a lot that I can react positively to, but I can't like have a genuine relationship with her because I have to be so careful what I say.  I used to be able to talk to her more authentically but I feel like I can't now.

This probably doesn't make much sense!  And I am very lucky she hasn't gone down a number of paths she could have, and I'm hoping she will continue to figure things out, so I have to remember to appreciate that.  Thanks for listening!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Incadove

Oh I so understand this feeling.

So I try to validate a lot, like a lot, because she does have a lot that I can react positively to, but I can't like have a genuine relationship with her because I have to be so careful what I say.  I used to be able to talk to her more authentically but I feel like I can't now.

We floated on this for quite a while too. I have to say that I was just relieved to see my DS's progress. I think I'd already done my grieving and acceptance of his situation and, of course, ours. What I'd get despair about was not being able to see any end to us all living together. My goal is to get him independently living.

I'm not sure if this helps but I thought I'd throw it in. Because my DS wasn't in therapy and any improvements were a combination of his own changing and our new approach allowing him the space to do that - we were in effect in a small bubble with no external influences other than this forum. We got stuck in a pattern of behaviours when we interacted with each other. Yes, you're right it feels kind of false. 

It wasn't until my DS decided to seek professional help and I witnessed the psychiatrist really challenge some of my DS's thought patters and beliefs that I understood that my DS could cope with it. It was enlightening and I understood that our relationship was strong enough for me to do some gentle challenging myself. It's changed our relationship. I feel better about it BUT my DS is now more aware of my own feelings and that's knocked him a little bit. He's now in therapy and I've noticed he dodges away from his Dad so there's something going on.

I've no idea if this helps you. I just wanted to say that I understand. I looked outwards for me to take care of myself; I went to college to take a part time art course. Spending time doing something you enjoy is wonderful for your soul.

Is there any activity that you could do that helps you step out of your bubble for a little while each week?

Hugs

LP

[Gorges]

I am not sure if we mean the same thing, but I think I understand.  My daughter is doing okay now.  We have pleasant contact.  She does not live with us, so we can make visits short.  But, my daughter and I don't have a "normal" relationship and my daughter does not lead the life of a "normal" 19 year old that is home from college and living with family for the summer.  This makes me sad a bit.  But, I have to work on acceptance.  I can't brag about the things she is doing, like my friends do with their kids, because I am not really sure what she is doing.  She is not on hard drugs, in jail, or pregnant.  But, beyond those I really don't know. 

[MomMae]

Hi Incadove,

Like, Lollypop, I, too, just wanted to say that I totally understand the feeling you are describing and your post made total sense to me.  What you describe is how I feel when I interact with my daughter as well.  I think what it comes down to is that we are still "walking on eggshells" - we have just become more skilled at doing it.

It is good that your daughter is trying hard to work on herself and her reactions.  My  BPD dd20 is often the same - she has actually asked how we are recently, which as simple as that seems, is a big deal for us as usually she is only about her.  Just on Sunday she sent a text to me asking how we were doing today and I went to high alert when I got it and said to my husband, "oh no, I wonder what she wants" as she does not normally get in touch unless she needs something.  Yet, as we texted back and forth, she didn't ask for anything - it was more like a conversation I would have with my non-BPD daughter.  But I could not shake my anxious feeling, and I certainly have to be oh, so careful of my wording.  Lots of winky faces, and statements that I am not trying to control, just offering suggestions and concern.

Sometimes, when BPD dd20 is at our place, I feel scrutinized when I interact with non-BPD daughter 19, as we have a very easy relationship and do a lot together.  But why should we have to hide this?  It is truly my BPD daughter's choice that she does not have the same relationship - we use to.  But she has burned me so many times that I have had to almost compartmentalize my interactions with her.  I try to be caring, open and motherly like I would be naturally, but it is different.  I feel flat inside while I do it, I think maybe it is just a natural self-protection reaction to avoid being deeply hurt by her again. Too many times I would open right back up and be vulnerable and trusting with her and be blindsided again and end up devastated. I hope someday that it won't be like this anymore but that day looks a long way off right now. 

Thank you, Incadove, for this post.  It is when I see that others feel the same way I do, that I can heal a little bit and lose some of the feeling that I am doing things wrong, that it is my fault.  My extended family growing up was always very invalidating towards me, and due to this I always have an inner voice trying to invalidate and blame myself.  This site, and honest posts like yours are so helpful for me.  We are all doing our best and should not blame ourselves or feel guilty for our own honest emotions.

    MM

[incadove]

Lollypop, Georges, Mommae, THANK YOU so much for the replies and understanding!  I really needed to know that others have the same experience.  That's what triggered the last negativity burst, was jealousy about my relationship with her siblings - the ironic thing is I still have feelings that I would deeply want a relationship with her, if I could just trust her to hear when she does something hurtful to me and to talk things thru when there is a problem.  So I'm still there a little bit, though less than I was.  So the jealousy is not necessary - exactly like you said, that relationship is still available to her if she actually wanted it. 

I'm going to try to practice the skills and do the right things, and not focus on my emotions, and hope things get better long term.  Logically I can see that issues that were a huge problem a year ago, are not issues now, so I think there is hope for the future. 

Anyway I just wanted to say thank you so much, I know others have much harder and deeper problems but I really appreciate the empathy!  I do have lots of stuff to do outside the family, and she is not living with us now (she had money from her biological family when she turned 18), and most of the time I'm in a good place nowadays - just trying to figure out the balance of reaching out when sometimes the result is hard for me to handle. I think honestly its hard for her too, and I do appreciate that she still visits and is involved in family things, so I'm going to try to be skillful and make it easier for her as much as I can, to stay connected somewhat.   Reading buddhist lovingkindness stuff today.    all this board is like a lifeline! 

[incadove]

I can't brag about the things she is doing, like my friends do with their kids, because I am not really sure what she is doing.  She is not on hard drugs, in jail, or pregnant.  But, beyond those I really don't know. 

Hey Georges - when I was talking to my cousin about my dd a few weeks ago, he reminded me that at this age he was pretty short with his mom, and didn't want advice, and pushed away his parents.  So I try to remember too that some of it is normal for the age, and although some parents can brag about their kids there are many many more who are probably in the same boat as you - don't really hear what they are really doing.   I don't know if that helps but I think there is a chance they can grow out of it and change as they get older.  And if she is not any of those things, then she has a better chance to grow.