List of negative/odd things

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am aware the our exes did plenty of good positive things for us in our relationships, and they are also have very neat, beautiful qualities, so I'm not trying to take those away from them... .but I am trying to remember and spell out why I/we are here on these boards, so I am going to start to mention all of the things that made me nervous, or feel like I was walking on eggshells in my own home... .others are welcome to join.

1) first thing that popped into my head, was as she was getting more and more controlling towards the end, if I got up at night to use the restroom, she would ask where did I go in an accusatory way, thus making me nervous to get up sometimes. It was an ok question, but the tone is what I'm referring to here... .
2) my mom would sometimes call me early in the a.m. And it would put my ex in a tizzy for the entire morning, making me pick to ignore my mom, or upset my ex... .

I'll add to the list (it gets worse) just wanted to start this thread

[Emotions]

I am aware the our exes did plenty of good positive things for us in our relationships, and they are also have very neat, beautiful qualities, so I'm not trying to take those away from them... .but I am trying to remember and spell out why I/we are here on these boards, so I am going to start to mention all of the things that made me nervous, or feel like I was walking on eggshells in my own home... .others are welcome to join.

1) first thing that popped into my head, was as she was getting more and more controlling towards the end, if I got up at night to use the restroom, she would ask where did I go in an accusatory way, thus making me nervous to get up sometimes. It was an ok question, but the tone is what I'm referring to here... .
2) my mom would sometimes call me early in the a.m. And it would put my ex in a tizzy for the entire morning, making me pick to ignore my mom, or upset my ex... .

I'll add to the list (it gets worse) just wanted to start this thread

[roberto516]

I actually wrote a list at the suggestion of my therapist which we would revisit next session. I was stunned I had so many things. I wonder if she wrote the same list how many things she'd say about me. Honestly, and not to be full of myself because I wasn't perfect, I can't imagine it would even come close. Well anyway, here ya go.

1. When she raised her voice at me in the very beginning because I wanted her to know that I'd like to see a movie she didn't want to see.

2. When that night I tried to speak to her about my feelings and she asked ":)o you want to break up?" Which led me to console her and forget about my feelings.

3. When she got tickets to vegas with her family and didn't ask me because she was mad at me and then asked me afterward if I wanted to go even though they had already bought the concert tickets

4. When I asked her to please consider me for future concerts and trips and during Christmas, when I was deeply depressed, she made plans for another concert with her family without asking me.

5. The way everytime I wanted to talk about us she'd always ask ":)o you want to break up?" Which made sure I had to solve that problem instead of talk about my feelings.

6. When she agreed that I would tell her if I didn't want to do something and the very next day I did so and she disregarded my feelings.

7. When I asked her to help me work on having the dog sleep at the bottom of the bed and she only tried once or twice.

8. When she gave up on couples counseling because it was "too much work".

9. When she pestered me and told me to shave my beard before a family dinner because of how her grandmom might think.

10. When she would bargain with me for sex if I would take her shopping, etc. And then she rarely followed through.

11. When my grandpop died and I asked her for support and she spent her time in the bedroom watching Netflix.

12. After my grandpop died and she told me her friend had got tickets for them for a floral garden when I had asked her to go there for months.

13. When she would say that I never made plans for us but the times I did she rarely wanted to do it.

14. Telling me that she wanted me to spend the money in the relationship for us.

15. When I'd ask her numerous times if we could split walking the dog but it would always be me still doing it.

16. When she went to vegas and partied all night and I was upset that she never wanted to do that stuff with me. It ended with her giving me silent treatment until I apologized and promised to start taking her out to nice places. something she still didn't want to do.

17. With me she would fall asleep early and not want to do anything but shop or eat and with friends or family she would want to have fun and have so much energy.

18. How she didn't have any interest in any of my hobbies or interests while I actively tried to have interest in her things.

19. When she asked her mom to watch the dog and she refused and asked me to after and I said I'd be over a little later and she yelled at me for it.

20. How any female I spoke to from work she would get very jealous and accuse me of things.

21. How if I didn't answer the phone or a text she would get very spiteful. One time we were arguing and I went to the gym and told her I'd go to the pool after with her and I got back and she had gone to the pool without me. Another time she went to a winery with a friend and said after we could watch the eagles game. I didn't get her text so she spent the rest of the day out because "I didn't hear back from you."

22. How I knew I couldn't speak my emotions to her so I would try to process them internally but she would always pester me asking if she was the problem until we ended up arguing.

23. When I went down the shore with her to jump in the water on new years because she wanted to do it with me and she got blackout drunk and when I looked up she had already run into the water without me.

24. After she broke up with me she told me that I needed to "get over it because it was effecting her at work" because someone from my work called her coworker and said I was depressed.

25. When she recycled me and I asked her if she wanted a back massage and she said "No. Your massages suck"

26. How she would always turn me down for intimacy and then  be upset because we weren't intimate and I didn't try and approach her.

27. How she got mad at some family gatherings because I was quiet because I didn't know a lot of people even though I told her that I would be quiet in a new situation like that.

28. The way she took all the love that I had until I asked her for love in return and she tried very half heartedly to support me.

29. Last summer I spent every other weekend at her place so she could go to yoga instructor school while I watched the dog and then on the free weekend when I asked her if we could do couples stuff and she said "It's my only free weekend and I want to do what I want."

30. How every argument or disagreement, which only began because I couldn't hold in my emotions anymore, led to me always apologizing to her and promising to do better without any sincerity or promises from her as well or an understanding of my emotions.

31. For my birthday she asked if I wanted to go to a Phillies game with her family instead of asking me what I would like to do and then being upset when I said I'd rather not do that closer to the game.

[jambley]

hi it helps to write a list. mine lists 235 things so far (and counting). stay strong.

[jambley]

Just one or two things spring to mine about my ex

lack of boundaries, alcohol abuse, rage, reckless driving, impulsivr, risk taker, big headed, boastful, swearing, bullying, manipulative, poor manners, aggressive, emotionally abusive, loud mouthed, no apologies, controlling, selfish, demanding, threatening, devious, awkward, drama queen, double standards, hypocritical, patronising, mean, spiteful, assuming, brash, ego, self centred, ungrateful, rude, forgetful, verbally abusing, disrespectful, STD, drop everything, on her terms, projecting, bad attitude, projecting, greedy, two-faced, promiscuous, ex slut, binge drinker, entitled, self-serving, unpredictable, arrogant, pig headed, ignorant, formidable, childish, always right, drop everything to meet, flirt, obnoxious, unpleasant, wild, drunken slurs, callous texts, stand-offish, mind games, sadistic laughing, blaming, knows best, hurtful, violent son,
running away, judgemental, revolting language, inappropriate comments, dismissive, overly masculine, overpowering presence, bad tempered, did not listen, contradicted herself, domestic abuse, using, lying, m.i.a, confrontational, unsettled, reputation for drinking/poor behaviour, moved goal posts, disrespectful to my friends, loose morals, poor parenting, alcoholic mother, lost driving licence, sarcastic, undignified, unladylike, untrustworthy, did not improve behaviour, chaotic lifestyle, changeable identity, controlled situations, slept around, unkind, troublemaker, took liberties, put me down, wasted my time, insulting, pushed my limits, emotional blackmail, chequered past, boastful, when it 'suited her,' speaks over people, foul language, narcissistic, gaslighting, one-sided, cold/silent treatment, uses internet dating, recycled replacement, fear of being alone, unrealistic expectations, disgraceful behaviour, over opinionated, treated me like a doormat, only contacts/visits when she wants something, has few real friends, out for herself, aggressive body language, throws weight around, makes a fool of herself, says bizarre things when drunk, conversation interupter/hoarder, makes someone afraid to say no, keeps someone around until better comes along, rule-breaker, criticises, tomboy, full of herself, daddy issues, creates jealousy, preys on insecurities,  captive audience, know-it-all, fiery personality reputation, demands on punctuality, thrill seeker/buzz/feed fix, peculiar behaviour, unashamed of bad behaviour, pressuring, creates ultimatums,  irritable, dominant personality, publicly embaress, shielding, monstrous outbursts when raging,

But I overlooked all that at the time.

[Me-Time]

There are so many. My favorite right now is her telling me how I am secretive and emotionally closed off – why you might wonder? Because when I use the bathroom, I close the door.  Pretty much anything that is a preference of mine becomes some kind of act against her, in her mind.  I had a bout of insomnia for a while (can't imagine why)  and I would leave the bed during these times. I explained that sometimes changing location helps me to sleep, that lying in bed sometimes makes it harder to sleep, that ths wasn't going to be a permanent thing etc. The response was that I should stay in the bed because it's very traumatic for her to wake up and notice that I'm not there. So I would lay there for hours staring at the ceiling to make her happy. I was so exhausted. There are so many more... .

[Helplessly]

Jambley hahahaha. BWAAAAAA HAAAAAA

[Lalathegreat]

I could go on for DAYS. I made a "pros and cons" list when I was still posting on conflicting. There were 5 things on my "pros" list - none of which had been accurate for awhile and was mostly wishfully hoping for things from the honeymoon period. The cons list... .hahahaha! Well, here are some highlights:

sex no longer good/used as manipulation, circular arguments, yelling/spitting/raging, possible cheating, accusations/assigned motives, projection, "kitchen sinks" during arguments, glaring, misreads MY emotions and cannot be convinced otherwise, disconnects/behaves coldly, mealtime drama, scheduling drama, accusations of abandonment, accusations about MY burdensome expectations (that I don't remember having or expressing), criticisms about my communication style, controlling and explosive, financially irresponsible, self centered, unstable job history, offers help but doesn't follow through, unappreciative, moody, makes accusations based on my tone of voice/facial expression, demands help but is critical of how it's given, everything is always my fault, asks for my input and then blames me for the results, pushes away but won't let me leave without an explosive response, devaluing - has cast me as the enemy.

This list was made 6 months before the split and there are MANY more things I could add now. I have journalled extensively which has really helped me to remember why this will never be a relationship that is good for me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi all,

I'm going to go with odd.

My exBPDbf would NOT go to the toilet for a poo in my house.  Even once he moved in.  He would go next door (ish - across a side road) to the bookies and use their toilet.  Or he would take a walk to the shopping centre and use the public toilets there. 

He would complain about having difficulty sleeping at nights and then binge eat about 10 000 calories worth of pure sugar in an assortment of sweets by the bagful and cakes at about 9pm.

At one point he complained for almost 2 weeks about having no money and once paid he put £160 in a charity box and gave away £25 to a random stranger to buy a birthday gift for her son because she was a cocaine addict so couldn't afford one.

Food was a nightmare.  Unless he chopped the vegetables that were going into a dish himself in a certain way he would NOT eat it.  Even if he was starving and there was nothing else to eat.

Sometimes he would insist that the lounge curtains needed to remain drawn all day so he could shut the world out, then I'd arrive home and find him not even using that room - instead camped out in the kitchen which was flooded with daylight and has windows all around.

Love and light x

[Lalathegreat]

Wow Harley Quinn- I had to cackle a little, the pooping thing is weird!

My pwBPD had weird sleep and food issues too. I've never known anyone more nuerotic about what he would eat and it wasn't uncommon for him to never come to bed and sleep most of the day.

[Me-Time]

What's with the food issue thing? Mine had strange habits around that too. I think a common theme is rigidity about how and exactly what they eat. Mine would only drink a certain kind of coffee (Folgers instant with Coffeemate creamer). She was so strict about it that no matter where we went (overnight) she carried a bag with those items in it. AND a particular coffee mug! That had to come too. When I would make her breakfast on workdays, she told me that her toast had to be made just before she was ready to leave. It could not be too done and it had to be warm as she was walking out the door. She had brands of things she ate and absolutely would not eat anything that wasn't one of them. Our meals consisted only of things she ate and the way she wanted them prepared. She was very much into supplements but the kind would change every few weeks. She was in search of the elusive vitamin that would cure her "anxiety" insisting that she found something better at least once a month (this went on for years). She would get angry if I suggested seeing a doctor for actual medication but then she'd come to me as if she had a revelation that she might need medication. I could go on... .

[kc sunshine]

Hmmm:

Drinks alcoholically
Mean (someone said you can fake nice but you can't fake mean)
Sarcastic
Off her antidepressants, on CBD oil instead
Had text conversations with other partners in front of me
Got physically abusive with her last ex and a couple of earlier ones as well
Cheated on me
Cheated on her last ex
Jealous
Says mean things about my friends
Vindictive on Facebook
Picks fights with her awesome daughter

Odd things:
Would often redecorate her house (just move her furniture around)

What are some choice things that they have said to you-- some greatest hits in terms of quotes? Here's one from mine:

"I thought that being with you would make me feel better but it doesn't"

[jambley]

"You probably think I'm Mrs Wonderful."

[kc sunshine]

Did writing this make any of you feel bad? It did me a bit... .maybe that is the FOG? Or that some part of me is still in denial about these things so to write them publically is hard?

[IsThisThingOn]

This post is life right now.

Lets see... .I guess I'll just list random things that could fall into either category.

1. I'll start with the food thing. My uBPDx would go through these phases where eating healthy was the ONLY way. She had told me early on she had a history of problems with binge eating (this is clearly more associated with BPD than an "eating disorder" as she liked to call it) but she would regularly cycle between NO snacks, NO carbs, NOTHING but vegetables and protein, healthy meals. Which is how I like to eat. To suddenly getting McDonalds almost daily, Starbucks sometimes twice a day, buying 14 bags of flavored pretzel thins (not even exaggerating) in one trip, 3-4 boxes of cheez-its, etc etc... .It seemed like whenever we'd have a particularly big blow out thats when suddenly she would go back to the "We cant eat like this!" phase -- I'm not a snacker, I have never had fast food a day in my life and to be honest food is of little interest to me other than the fact that I need it to live. Somehow though the conversation was always centered around how I enabled her to eat in the unhealthy ways she would?  Projection, aye?

2. LOVES to drink. Only drinks Vodka. I'm a beer drinker myself.  Would call ME the alcoholic for having, say, 6-8 beers on a night we intended to go out drinking while she would be 6-8 double vodka and seltzers deep... .something doesnt add up here?

3. Would always get very annoyed with me for leaving my flip-flops at the side of the front door. Went as far as to pretend she had thrown them out once because she had "told me plenty of times not to do it and I continued" BUT... .would leave her shoes/bags/random articles of clothing there ALL the time... .dare I say anything about it though!

4. I worked full time through out our entire relationship. For a large portion of it she wasnt working initially because she had just finished school and had planned appropriately to be able to afford to live and go to school without working. Fine. But when she started working it was suddenly ":)o you not realize I spend ALL day at work and the one thing I ask if maybe you consider ME for once? Like why would you not have warmed up my dinner?" or some other outrageous thing. I'm sorry... .I guess I just have no idea what its like to work 50-60 hours a week... .not like i've been doing it THIS WHOLE TIME or anything... . 

5. She would always tell me how she wished I would open up and tell her whats on my mind/bothering me... .the second I did she would interrupt me so I could never get a complete thought out, or she would roll her eyes and make faces in a way that showed a complete lack of consideration and/or understanding for how I was feeling. It would almost always end in a fight. I would ask her to please not interrupt me and i'd get "well if you didnt talk so much all at once I would actually be able to respond. You talk so much by the time youre done I forget what the hell I wanted to say!" -- That means you were too busy preparing a reply rather than listening, sweetheart! God forbid I interrupted her while she was speaking though... .it would surely end in me being the problem. Which, actually, I was used to being the problem anyway

6. She basically demanded we have access to each others phones at all times whenever we chose to. Fine. I dont care. I've got nothing to hide! However, while I never went into her phone... .turns out she was CONSTANTLY going through mine. Often times when I was sleeping and/or entirely unaware. Sneaky Sneaky. The ONE time I did go through her phone was towards the very end of the relationship when while moving it the screen lit up and I saw a ton of dating app notifications... .the tirade I received about how "thats why I cant trust you" -- "you have zero respect for my privacy" -- "you will NEVER have access to my phone again!" on and on... .Oh, but, she still demanded SHE have access to MINE after that incident. Interesting.

7. Constantly making me feel guilty or like I had done something wrong whenever I made plans with friends or family. Right down to Mothers Day. My mom had clearly stated she only wanted me, my sister, and niece with her that day... .this did NOT go over well. "If we're in a serious committed relationship we should both be spending the day with each others moms together" -- Fact is: she hated whenever I did anything with anyone without her because in her mind she was convinced I was saying negative things about her behind her back. Who knew it was actually HER doing that the whole time?  Guilty conscience I suppose.

8. I constantly did all the laundry, all the cooking, picking up around the house. Everything. But still... .I was always accused of never helping around the house. Doing nothing to contribute.

9. She never wanted to do anything that wasnt shopping, eating out, or staying in and SLEEPING (this seems to be a common trend we all have) -- this girl would wake up after sleeping 9-10 hours, be awake for 2-3 hours, and go to sleep for another 5.  She would get mad if she'd suggest going shopping after I got home from work and I voiced how I was tired and would prefer not to run around from store to store... .especially since we didnt need anything.  Financially irresponsible... .which leads me to

10. I am by no means "cheap" but I also dont feel the need to constantly buy new things or go out to eat etc.  I dont need to go to Starbucks, I can make my own coffee. I dont need 15 pairs of jeans... thats ridiculous. I certainly dont need 50+ button down shirts. If we werent at the mall AT LEAST 2-3 times a week it was a miracle. Starbucks constantly. THEN when it would come time to pay the bills (thankfully we always had more than enough) she would realize just how crazy her spending had been... .to be fair, I avoided saying too much because I didnt want to fight and I knew it would lead to one... .suddenly it was my fault and "we" needed to stop spending and "we" needed to start making coffee at home instead of going out and "we" ... .you get the point.  Funny how all her suggestions ended in "we" when it smacked her in the face

11. Slowly started to try and isolate me from everyone in my life. Including my mom. My mother and I have always had a co-dependent relationship (not healthy, I know) but I've been good about still maintaining boundaries. Either way, my uBPDx found a way to completely devalue my mom, then my sister, then she attacked one friend at a time... .heck, she even went after my brother in law! The guy is literally the nicest person you'll ever meet in your life.  If it wasnt HER family or HER friends well then... .they simply werent good for me.

12. The manipulation was real. Planted seeds of "It just makes SENSE that you move in because of XYZ" until I myself believed XYZ reason and moved in. Slowly started to convince me how much I hated my job. Crazy I started to believe I did considering I LOVED my job before she planted those seeds. Needless to say, I changed jobs. I basically completely uprooted my life and moved everything over an hour away from where I had spent my whole life. It was like I picked up everything and replanted it in HER territory. And once that happened... .the controlling side REALLY kicked in. She knew she had me. I was stuck. Funny thing is I voiced several concerns in the process about how serious it was considering how much uprooting I was doing, how hard it would be to go back if for whatever reason it DIDNT work out... .she was always very convincing on OF COURSE it's going to work out! Youre the absolute love of my life, I can never live without you!  -- oh well then, okay! Lets go!


I am sure I can go on... .but this post is a ramble and a half already!

[Helplessly]

- hated her mother and surgically removed her from her life.  blocked her from any contact.
- no other family that she speaks to.  zero.  Nada
- heavy triangulation with her most recent ex, who was the opposite of me; overweight, unemployed...  she would contact him for moral support whenever we fought
- immediately crossed the first boundary we established; no name calling.  first big fight brought on "f&*k you as^&*le"
- strange shower routine. had to shower exactly 45 minutes prior to bed.
- no female friends who were a threat to her.  they were either lesbian or older married women who were cheating on husbands.
- called herself an empath
- believed she had psychic abilities
- hated my daughter and hinted that I had an inappropriate relationship with her (should have kicked her ass to the curb)
- never apologized.  ever.
- trashed my car when i gathered the courage to break up, but told me I was abusive during the relationship when I never ever ever made her feel remotely physically threatened.
- got pissed of I put forks and spoons in the dishwasher the wrong way.
- always turned ANY conversation back to her no matter what anybody was talking about.  always had an experience to one up anybody.  can't count the number of times she would take offense at a 3rd party story where I had to say, "this isn't about you."
- always had to mentally seduce anyone we met.  bartenders.  barmaids.
- we would go out for cocktails and she would say hello to a male bartender or server like she had known him forever and his response would often be, "who the hell are you?"
- DUI 5 years ago.  says her mother grabbed the steering wheel.  and that the cops who fingerprinted her called 9... .NINE... .more cops into the room to stare at her while she was being photographed.
- after the honeymoon phase, would often correct me or put me in my place very subtly
- know it all
- sometimes slept all day
- stayed up all night
- would ruin a weekend and ghost after a text squabble
- ___ed about how I answered the telephone
- future faking... marriage
- claimed to be MENSA... .always brought up her full academic ride to a local college but would struggle to name 3 people present at the constitutional convention
- piercings galore
- smoked weed every 30 minutes every day
- face changed after two drinks.  this is tough to describe... her eyes would sink into her head just a little.
- her rage face looked demonic.  spit flew
- adult coloring books
- claimed to take walks with and speak with her father on a daily basis.  he's dead btw

jesus god

[IsThisThingOn]

11. Slowly started to try and isolate me from everyone in my life. Including my mom. My mother and I have always had a co-dependent relationship (not healthy, I know) but I've been good about still maintaining boundaries. Either way, my uBPDx found a way to completely devalue my mom, then my sister, then she attacked one friend at a time... .heck, she even went after my brother in law! The guy is literally the nicest person you'll ever meet in your life.  If it wasnt HER family or HER friends well then... .they simply werent good for me.

Not to quote my own post but... .just realized something upon rereading it... .the ONLY person she DIDNT devalue in my life was my dad.  I find that interesting because her own father died when she was, I believe, 13? He had suffered a stroke years before passing away and lived a very hard tragic life until the end. She witnessed it all and I think this event in her life plus how her mom basically abandoned her after his death because of her OWN suffering over it all helped form her BPD... .She lost her dad, abandoned by her mom, forced to basically raise herself while trying to figure out all those emotions.

Anyway, point is... .my dad was the one and only person who she truly always showed love and adoration for. Even through the break up she's shown a CLEAR weak spot for him.  Hmmm

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Emotions, 

Just going back to your original post:

I am aware the our exes did plenty of good positive things for us in our relationships, and they are also have very neat, beautiful qualities, so I'm not trying to take those away from them... .but I am trying to remember and spell out why I/we are here on these boards, so I am going to start to mention all of the things that made me nervous, or feel like I was walking on eggshells in my own home... .others are welcome to join.

You've had a lot of replies to this.  Is this exercise to aid you in moving forwards and putting things behind you?  How do you feel reading the responses here and how is your detaching going? 

Whilst it can be beneficial to remind ourselves of our reasons to not go back, I wonder if focusing on the negative behaviours of partners is holding anyone back from looking within at their OWN reasons for being in the r/s and healing from these.  Just a thought.

Love and light x

[Helplessly]

Hi Emotions, 

Just going back to your original post:

You've had a lot of replies to this.  Is this exercise to aid you in moving forwards and putting things behind you?  How do you feel reading the responses here and how is your detaching going? 

Whilst it can be beneficial to remind ourselves of our reasons to not go back, I wonder if focusing on the negative behaviours of partners is holding anyone back from looking within at their OWN reasons for being in the r/s and healing from these.  Just a thought.

Love and light x

This is a great point.  Not just for the OP but for everyone.  It is cathartic though.

It wouldn't be fair to not list our own shortcomings in the relationship, as well as the systemic reasons for being in such a situation in the first place...

- I was insecure like never before in my life.  And my insecurity was at a fever pitch at the end of the relationship.
- Clingy, again... .increasingly so up until the end.
- Inconsistent.  Didn't know whether to stay or go and she sensed it.
- Judgemental.  Regardless of any BPD behavior, I had no right to tell her what was right or wrong for HER.  I was only concerned for how her behavior affected me... .  If I didn't like it, I could have walked.

It's just ripping stitches from past trauma.

Next...

[Emotions]

I think I am at the stage of accepting it as a past relationship... .i have been working on myself for about four months straight, and I definitely notice a change in my own thoughts and feeling closer with myself... .I believe that I will continue my course and daily routines for self knowledge no matter what happens... .I am starting to feel more distant from my ex, and realizing the tension when we were together is just as powerful as the idealization we have for one another... .I am beginning to feel a bit "better" about being alone these days, although I still miss feeling the love we shared... .I am trying to reteach myself that that love is still inside me, although it can't be direct d at the object it was used to sharing itself with, it can however be given to myself, other people, even animals outside... .thus the remembering of the negative, odd things isn't for me to ruminate over, or even put my ex down, it is specifically to remind myself that there was a good amount of stress when we were together... .I am trying to detach my mind from all of the reasons why I want to still be with her... .hearing the other stories remind me of the disconnects I have going on inside myself... .I was under a lot of tension when we were together, and I pushed her away because of it, yet I would take her back and live with that tension even knowing what I know now, and I'm trying to figure out why I am feeling this way... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Emotions,

It sounds to me like you're making good progress and have plenty of self awareness.  More power to you.  Keep at it and every day you will inch further forwards, whether you see it or not.  Eventually it will all come together.  I find that I will suddenly notice something is different in me, as if it has literally crept up on me, and I can smile in the satisfaction of knowing that something I'm working on is actually starting to pay off.

I was under a lot of tension when we were together, and I pushed her away because of it, yet I would take her back and live with that tension even knowing what I know now, and I'm trying to figure out why I am feeling this way... .

 

Are you having any counselling or other therapy?  Working with someone on our own motivations for gravitating towards unhealthy relationships is a surefire way of not only acknowledging these reasons but giving us hope for a future that is free of more of the same. 

One thing that helps me - and it's different for us all - is to check in with the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck, to see how many of these now apply to me.  At first it was probably all 10!  Over time they have reduced and now I don't look, unless I have a wobble and then want to put my finger on where it is coming from.  Just helps me to centre myself.  Perhaps it's an idea to find one of the resources available that you can use as a sort of 'baseline test'?  I'm sure you know that the beliefs are in the lessons (links to the right) but here's a link to the PDF I keep on my laptop, for anyone in the thread who hasn't yet seen these and is interested:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303568

Hope it's helpful.  Let us know how things are going and any breakthroughs that you make.  It all helps the family!

Love and light x

[Emotions]

When I met my ex I was also feeling existentially alone in the world... .I was very physically healthy and spent a lot of my time doing the things that I loved, playing sports, swimming spending time with friends... .however, still had a void in my life... .my ex started working with me, and she out of the blue told me her dad (adopted) was being sexually abusive... .specifically,after we had played a game with the kids we work with, we were sitting down next to each other, and she said "my dad is raping me"... .I told my boss about this, and she said we should have a talk with her and her mother (adopted) and divorced from her dad... .my ex was living with her dad and stepmom because her mother had been away but just became done with her phd from seminary school. Her mother was visiting the area and just about to move to Dallas. I then started calling my ex and texting her to make sure she was ok each night, and that the abuse from her dad stopped. (Although I'm not sure if it actually happened or not, I kept getting different stories from my ex throughout the seven plus years of the relationship). She started to come over to my house at night and stay til the early morning... .she asked me if me and her could live together together so that she doesn't have to move with her mom in Dallas... .she said that her mom would resist this idea, however when we asked her mom if it is ok, there was no hesitation and the answer was yes... .so within two months we decided to live together, and within three we starting living together... .this is February of 2010... .this is also when i started falling in love, and we lived together up until February of this year... .so I felt like god dropped my dream girl in my lap... .13 years younger than me and gorgeous, and cool... .she had a unique history up until this point... .went to a boarding school for a year and a half, lived in Scotland and New Zealand with her mother and now was struggling to graduate high school... .she didn't graduate her senior year, and I convinced her to apply to a different school because she was in a new district now living with me... .she did, and with me sitting down EVERY DAY with her helping her study, she graduated... .then another six years between then and now with many MANY intimate stories and moments have led me to here... .I could tell each year, but I'm getting tired of typing and will write more later... .but this close bond I shared with her filled my desire to feel existentially whole... .