I've stopped drinking alcohol

[jambley]

During the relationship with my uBPD ex gf we both drank heavily and it didnt improve anything. The last few months alcohol makes me ruminate and has done no good whatsoever, it is only a reminder of the emotional abuse I suffered. So I have stopped and will continue to be sober. There is a small part of me that knows that her alcohol abuse will have the same effect on her new bf and that she wont stop.

I am not looking for compliments, I just wanted to write this because I am changing my life and this is the best way I can do it. Thank you for reading.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jambley,

That sounds like a sensible and positive step.  Alcohol is a depressant drug so if you are going through a tough time emotionally it certainly doesn't make things go away.  I don't drink due to not being allowed to as I'm on anticonvulsants for a pain condition and I'm glad of that now because I can imagine having a tanked up BPD relationship could only exacerbate things.  Hope it is helping you to work through things more effectively by abstaining.  Is there anything else that has been helping with your healing?

Love and light x 

[jambley]

Thank you HQ. Sobriety and journalling notes has reminded me of a lot of things I had forgotten, the sheer bizarre dynamics in the relationship. Other than avoiding her completely and every pub in town, that's all I am doing to heal at the moment. Note writing is a good catharsis.

I am trying to find myself again, this is possibly the toughest thing I have ever done and I have been through a lot in my life. But, I know we can't turn back time and lately I am grateful to not be in that position with her. Things will improve.

Oh and you are so very kind. This forum is fantastic and there are some super people on here.

Did you start your art class? How did it go?

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks jambley,

I've been for an initial show around and am going for an induction Monday.  I had to select which courses I'd like to take first so have chosen horticulture (they have a totally gorgeous oasis of a garden) and art as my first two.  I'll also be taking photography, pottery and probably trying everything they offer!  Already I am confident that it is going to prove very therapeutic.  Do you know of anything that is available in your area that you could take up to try something new?  I feel that pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones in positive ways (after being more than likely pushed repeatedly out of them in varying degrees of negative ways) can only be of benefit.  Why not check out what is on your doorstep?  I've been amazed at everything that's available near me that I'd been ignorant of until now.  I expect that things come to you when you need them... .

Love and light x 

[jambley]

That's wonderful! So glad you are looking forward to it and as you say, it could be very therapeutic.

There are probably things on offer and I am not ready at the moment, I probably sound a bit boring but not just yet.

[Harley Quinn]

Fully understand that.  Overwhelm can slow us down.  Don't I know it!  Have a tendency to want to have done everything yesterday... .then implode from trying to do everything all at once. 

I feel the right thing comes along at the right time, when we are ready for it to appear.  You'll know in yourself when you're open to let something in that will help you, and if it is right for your needs.  Just be sure to do what is working already and keep learning along the way.  It's a journey and can be a winding one.  Have you looked at the lessons on the right?  They're really helpful to give some perspective. 

Love and light x   

[jambley]

Yes, I've read the lessons on the right and they do help, I am still processing lots of things and learning to accept. Perspective is really the most helpful to see that I wasn't always wrong, I didn't want to be controlled etc. So many red flags, I was blind, just like many others on this site.

One day at a time, I am mostly angry rather than sad at her for her behaviour. I am just relieved mostly. Do you know the funny thing is... .I really enjoy peace and quiet now... .silence is golden!

You should keep a thread of your art classes and horticulture... .it might be inspiring to others. Good idea?

[Herodias]

Good for you! I drank allot with my ex in the beginning and eventually didn't at all either. When he would stop for a few weeks (I think), he would be just as mean. I figured out quickly it wasn't the alcohol causing him to act that way. It was his way- he said -of quieting the thoughts in his head. He drank to become numb. I'm glad it is not a problem for me and I am glad to see you are finding  life can be better without it as well. 

[jambley]

Thank you Herodias!

[bus boy]

That's great, staying sober will help keep your head straight and it also makes for an all around better life. I haven't drank for 10 years, the best thing I ever did, don't miss it one bit.

[jambley]

Busby that's really great. Did you just stop completely or slowly stop altogether?

[bus boy]

It wasn't easy at first, my life was in a terrible turmoil. One Sunday night I was drinking in the pub, I was looking around and I was the only one in there and I thought, what the hell am I doing to my self? And it was at that point something came over me and I said I'll never drink again, I walked out and for the grace of God I never drank to this day.

[jambley]

That's actually a pretty good story!  Well done!

[Harley Quinn]

That's great, staying sober will help keep your head straight and it also makes for an all around better life. I haven't drank for 10 years, the best thing I ever did, don't miss it one bit.

I'll second bus boy on this.  6 years here and I don't miss it either.  I made bad decisions when I did drink and these days post BPD relationship I'm all about making good decisions that serve me in my life.  Much harder to take a proper look at oneself when under the influence... .In addition I am definitely a lot fitter, healthier and don't have that awful 'lost time' to hangovers (which started to hit me at the age of 30 like never before).  I hope that you find there are plenty of positives to your decision jambley. 

Love and light x

[Herodias]

Lots of good stuff here!
 
Just remember... .

That fun person you think you are when you are drinking... .you really are when you are not.
 
The person other people see when you are drinking... .not so fun!   

Besides, we all know it can be a depressant and doesn't solve any problems or make them go away. I have dealt with so many alcoholics and drug addicts in my life. I just don't want to deal with it any more.

[bus boy]

Thanks jambley. Lots of good stuff here for sure, any quiting drinking story is a positive story.
  I don't miss the hangovers either Harley, sometimes I just have an uncontrollable smile on my face when I think of how good life is without booze.

[jambley]

Today I am not going to drink. It has been over a week. I can do this.

[Harley Quinn]

Yes you can do this.  You have survived far greater ordeals.  We believe in you.

Love and light x

[jambley]

Thank you HQ, you really are quite a sweet person indeed! Hope you are having a good weekend

[Harley Quinn]

Well I've not been called that in a long time... .mind you I have been in relationships with partners who were less than complimentary!    It's sunny here, so I'm sitting on a hammock with my laptop and a decaf coffee.  Hope you are spending your day being healthy and doing something positive for yourself?

Love and light x

[jambley]

Well, please take it as a compliment! Hammock sounds super. It's sunny here too, I did the gardening yesterday so I may go for a walk near the beach and get some fresh air.

Enjoy your coffee and I think we are all very lucky to have such a kind hearted ambassador. 

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks jambley.  I feel it is I who is lucky to have found the amazing and inspirational people on this site.  Enjoy your walk.  Try to be really present.  If you've got sand, kick off your shoes and feel it under your feet.  Notice the warmth of the sun on your skin.  Listen to the sounds of the sea.  Lose yourself in the moment.  It will feed you.

Love and light x

[jambley]

Yes, that sounds wonderful and exactly what I shall do! Thank you so much

[jambley]

Showered and went out but my ex drove past and I had a panic attack, walked around a bit and I overcame it... .so in one way today was a triumph.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jambley,

Sorry to hear that happened but kudos for taking that view on it.  I dislike having panic attacks in front of others - feel very uncomfortable.  You did well to continue on rather than dashing home and obsessing about seeing her.  Do you want to talk about it?

Love and light x

[jambley]

Thanks HQ. Just one of those things I suppose. Nevermind 

[Harley Quinn]

Is this the first time you've seen her since your split? 

Love and light x

[jambley]

Not the first time, no. She lives close by and this is a small town. Guess I shall just have to be prepared in future, panic and anxiety wasn't nice and I had to find a quite spot to get away from the traffic noise. But I didn't drink alcohol and went to the beach, I achieved... .something. Life goes on 

[Zemmma]

My BPDex was an alcoholic. He loves to stay up all night as well. Not at all uncommon for him to stay up drinking until 7 or 8 a.m. when he didn't have his daughter. Would carry beer around in his work bag and crack one open as soon as the last client left. The alcohol was a part of our "fun" together in the beginning (actually my way of dealing with my ex-h walking out). When I started healing, going to Grad school, taking care of myself, he said we didn't have the same definition of "fun" anymore. He said, you were crazy like that because you were unhappy, but I don't need to "get better" from that, that is who I am! He thought it meant we were no longer compatible. Basically I was boring him and too full of judgement about it. When he drank it was often over a dozen pints, often more. He would order 2 drinks at a time (e.g Caesar and pint). At last call he would usually order several drinks or a pitcher. He would become incomprehensible. Fall down. And he would smell and be so cranky the next day (after he woke up at mid-day or later). Often I would find him sitting in a chair asleep, holding a beer. I remember in those moments thinking that I didn't want this to be my life.

Problem with alcohol is that it is so ingrained in the social life. I am trying to get out and meet people or meet my people. Easiest way to do this is at bars, comedy clubs, restaurants, and at homes with a bottle of wine. I am trying to cut it down to a maximum of 2 drinks because I suffer the next day. Have asked friends to meet me for a walk instead of a meal. So far, there haven't been a lot of bites.   But I want to cut down on alcohol because in trying to heal, being productive is really helpful. And when I drink I not only feel depressed the next day, I also find it difficult to be motivated.

During one breakup I wrote a list of the qualities I would like to find in my next partner, and one at the top of the list was, ":)oes not find happiness in the bottom of a bottle." Alcohol was definitely one of the greatest destructive forces in our r/s.

[jambley]

Hi Zem,

Your ex sounds like he had big alcohol issues/dependence. Not pleasant. My Father drank himself to death and it is horrible to see someone you care about destroy themselves.

You could go for coffee with your friends?