Projecting and mirroring- question

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I'm thinking a lot about the last recycle and things that were said. And perhaps some validation in what was true or not and how some things work in his mind.

I've two questions:
1. Is about projecting. How does this work, is it a feeling the BPD has and projects this on you? Exame: I asked him if I was fun to be ariund until something betters come along. My BPDex said I don't understand what we've been through you think so low of yourself. I thought it was just a weird way to respond. He actually got angry with me for asking him that. I don't think low of myself at all, that's why I broke it off as he's not respecting me and my boundaries. So is this the way he sees me or is it a way he sees himself? He also said I hide my true feelings behind all I have accomplished in life. I've been really open about my feelings.

2. I know mirroring is common with BPD. I realized that he used things I said when talking about my feelings and what happened between us. Like I talked about something and a week later he would use the exact same words as they were his own. Anyone recognize this? Do they have no thoughts or perspective about it all themselves? They just copy your values and what you stand for?

Maybe I'm overanalyzing things but I hope in a way it will help me te close the book if I understand more.

Even when we're not together the cycle contineus. We'rein push-mode now. I actually texted him today-started with work and them he stopped responding as he's been doing since I walked away. He tried to do a FWB-pull about 2 weeks ago. I did not respond to that. I hate it that it gets to me when he doesn't respond back. I wish I could deal with it better. I want to be friendly and I want to cut him out. I'm affraid blocking him on my phone will set bad blood.

Maybe I'll just check in here everyday and remind myself to keep it cordial and friendly but don't engage in personal stuff. Just work. I've done it before but back then we didn't work close together. Sometimes I feel stupid, as I knew it wasn't going to be different but I did it anyway.

I can't be with him anymore and I'm not going to, but a part of me hoped I could. There it is. So the connection is still there but on a different level. Feeling stuck in a way. Sorry venting again

Thanks for reading and your support

XOXO

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi all,

I'm thinking a lot about the last recycle and things that were said. And perhaps some validation in what was true or not and how some things work in his mind.

I've two questions:
1. Is about projecting. How does this work, is it a feeling the BPD has and projects this on you? Exame: I asked him if I was fun to be ariund until something betters come along. My BPDex said I don't understand what we've been through you think so low of yourself. I thought it was just a weird way to respond. He actually got angry with me for asking him that. I don't think low of myself at all, that's why I broke it off as he's not respecting me and my boundaries. So is this the way he sees me or is it a way he sees himself? He also said I hide my true feelings behind all I have accomplished in life. I've been really open about my feelings.

2. I know mirroring is common with BPD. I realized that he used things I said when talking about my feelings and what happened between us. Like I talked about something and a week later he would use the exact same words as they were his own. Anyone recognize this? Do they have no thoughts or perspective about it all themselves? They just copy your values and what you stand for?

Maybe I'm overanalyzing things but I hope in a way it will help me te close the book if I understand more.

Even when we're not together the cycle contineus. We'rein push-mode now. I actually texted him today-started with work and them he stopped responding as he's been doing since I walked away. He tried to do a FWB-pull about 2 weeks ago. I did not respond to that. I hate it that it gets to me when he doesn't respond back. I wish I could deal with it better. I want to be friendly and I want to cut him out. I'm affraid blocking him on my phone will set bad blood.

Maybe I'll just check in here everyday and remind myself to keep it cordial and friendly but don't engage in personal stuff. Just work. I've done it before but back then we didn't work close together. Sometimes I feel stupid, as I knew it wasn't going to be different but I did it anyway.

I can't be with him anymore and I'm not going to, but a part of me hoped I could. There it is. So the connection is still there but on a different level. Feeling stuck in a way. Sorry venting again

Thanks for reading and your support

XOXO

[Harley Quinn]

Hi I_Am_Stacey,

There are two workshops on the BPD behaviours that you would like clarification on.  I think you may find them helpful.  I certainly did. 

I too spent a lot of time working things out, especially around projection, as I was accused of many things and this arose suspicions in me that he was projecting his own behaviour.  It is understandable to puzzle over the relationship after break up and in time it's important to turn that attention onto ourselves so that we can move on and heal.  Have you read the lessons on detaching (links to the right)?  I check in periodically to see where I feel I am at and find that I can bounce around a little, yet it's good to see progress taking place too.

Here are the links to the workshops I mentioned:

This one is on projection.  In my case, my ex would often accuse me of behaving in ways that he found objectionable, yet were ways in which he himself was behaving (and I wasn't).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Here's the one on mirroring.  It's something we all do naturally to a degree when building rapport, and can be learned and mastered to great effect by salespeople for example.  I used to train people on this in a previous role I had.  My ex took this further, by showing interest in things I was passionate about and wanting to adopt my lifestyle as he claimed it was the way he too felt he wanted to live.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58298.0

I hope these are useful to you. 

Your thoughts about keeping contact to work related only sound like a good plan.  This is what is described as Controlled Contact - where nothing personal is entered into and only the essential information shared on a topic that is necessary to communicate over.  Do stay in touch and let us know how things go and how this affects your feelings regards working alongside him.  Hopefully things will become easier for you by keeping to the CC, if no alternative work arrangements can be made for you.  Good luck with it.

Love and light x

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi I_Am_Stacey,

There are two workshops on the BPD behaviours that you would like clarification on.  I think you may find them helpful.  I certainly did. 

I too spent a lot of time working things out, especially around projection, as I was accused of many things and this arose suspicions in me that he was projecting his own behaviour.  It is understandable to puzzle over the relationship after break up and in time it's important to turn that attention onto ourselves so that we can move on and heal.  Have you read the lessons on detaching (links to the right)?  I check in periodically to see where I feel I am at and find that I can bounce around a little, yet it's good to see progress taking place too.

Here are the links to the workshops I mentioned:

This one is on projection.  In my case, my ex would often accuse me of behaving in ways that he found objectionable, yet were ways in which he himself was behaving (and I wasn't).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Here's the one on mirroring.  It's something we all do naturally to a degree when building rapport, and can be learned and mastered to great effect by salespeople for example.  I used to train people on this in a previous role I had.  My ex took this further, by showing interest in things I was passionate about and wanting to adopt my lifestyle as he claimed it was the way he too felt he wanted to live.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58298.0

I hope these are useful to you. 

Your thoughts about keeping contact to work related only sound like a good plan.  This is what is described as Controlled Contact - where nothing personal is entered into and only the essential information shared on a topic that is necessary to communicate over.  Do stay in touch and let us know how things go and how this affects your feelings regards working alongside him.  Hopefully things will become easier for you by keeping to the CC, if no alternative work arrangements can be made for you.  Good luck with it.

Love and light x

Thanks again Harley Quinn,
It's always so nice to hear from other members having your back.

I've been throught the workshops, they're very helpfull. The mirroring he did a lot! But by actually copying my exact words. And we'd have a lot of things i n common which didn't match up to his behaviour later on. That's a big thing I learned, look at the behaviour, not the words. And it hurts and is difficult because those words. Those words were magic. 

I've seen the pojecting, but esp. with his x/w. But he did do it to me too. I try not to analyze everything but it helps to kinda understand. I'm an analyzing person. I want to figure out the puzzle. I want to understand. Which Iprobably never will.

XOXO

[Harley Quinn]

Hi I_am_Stacey,

Good to hear the workshops were helpful.  Knowledge is power and can allow us to release the confusion of the past so we can move forwards.  I too must learn all I can when something makes no sense to me.  Hate to be in the dark!

I try not to analyze everything but it helps to kinda understand. I'm an analyzing person. I want to figure out the puzzle. I want to understand. Which Iprobably never will.

I feel you've answered for me here.  You're absolutely right there.  None of us will ever fully understand unless we're capable of climbing inside someone else's head and heart.  So my reply to you is this.  At some point we must stop trying so hard to understand our ex partners and turn our attention to understanding ourselves.  What brought us into and kept us in such dysfunctional relationships?  You mentioned in another post that you too were involved in the push/pull dynamic.  Have you read the articles and lessons around the board?  Part of our healing is to really look within and find what it is that draws us into such a relationship so that we can work on that and prevent the same thing from happening again.  I also naturally have a strong urge to understand, and this has kept me in toxic relationships (a string of these throughout my life) for far too long.  My main purpose in life right now is to put a stop to that and move forward as a healthier individual.  Are you ready to turn your attention to yourself now that you know a little more?

Love and light x   

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi I_am_Stacey,

Good to hear the workshops were helpful.  Knowledge is power and can allow us to release the confusion of the past so we can move forwards.  I too must learn all I can when something makes no sense to me.  Hate to be in the dark!

I feel you've answered for me here.  You're absolutely right there.  None of us will ever fully understand unless we're capable of climbing inside someone else's head and heart.  So my reply to you is this.  At some point we must stop trying so hard to understand our ex partners and turn our attention to understanding ourselves.  What brought us into and kept us in such dysfunctional relationships?  You mentioned in another post that you too were involved in the push/pull dynamic.  Have you read the articles and lessons around the board?  Part of our healing is to really look within and find what it is that draws us into such a relationship so that we can work on that and prevent the same thing from happening again.  I also naturally have a strong urge to understand, and this has kept me in toxic relationships (a string of these throughout my life) for far too long.  My main purpose in life right now is to put a stop to that and move forward as a healthier individual.  Are you ready to turn your attention to yourself now that you know a little more?

Love and light x   

Hi Harley Quinn,

Well it was back to work day today and I had to sit in his Office all day Because of Some unfortunate sercomstances. There was this other girl and he was all over her, laughing, talking. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or throw up. I kept quiet and did my work Hiding behind my pc. Your suggestion about staying in the moment was really helpfull as I praktised it today! It was hard and I was litteraly shaking zitting there.

He is so indifferent at this point and it bothers me. And then it bothers me that it bothers me... .argggg. Well we had to go to a meeting and got a ride togeher. I kept all the talk workrelated, he did share Some things about his life.

I do really want to look within. I have a troubled relationship with my mum and grew up that things are never good enough. With my exBPD I felt totally accepted. Totally insync with him- the mirroring. I saw myself- he was me. I never felt save and accepted. It's why I never let people in- not totally as I'm always affraid they won't totally accept me. So I push/pull people too in a way. I did it to him too. I want people to accept me. I'm working with my T on healing this inner child and to accept myself. I'm actually thankfull for what my exBPD brought me in a way: I forgot that I am a lovely person. And I can make mistakes- this doesn't make me a bad person. I learned to have a lot more compassion for myself these days. I learned that It's all about me. My choices, my life, what do I want. My inner child is just screaming obsessivly that she needs to be validated and seen bY him as she was never seen before. But I see her now. TG going to my T tomorrow haha.

I do struggle with letting him go totally. It's like my heart can't let go totally but I hope it Will in time. I know that I won't go back. I don't care how long it takes, how many times I must fall, I Will Rise and won't go back.

Sorry, I keep on venting, it's been a long day. Thanks for listening,
XOXO

[lovenature]

A PWBPD will project their reality onto their partner when they don't feel good enough about themselves: anything to avoid feeling the core shame, they have to be the better person in their world.

PWBPD mirror others to gain a sense of self and feel like they exist. During idealization it is wonderful when they mirror us (soul mate feelings), once we get too close they can't mirror us anymore and devaluation begins because they fear we will see who they believe they are deep down, and they fear loosing themselves in us. Sadly the desire to enmesh and become one is more literal than most realize. They can't articulate why they do what they do and one relationship after another fails; feelings=facts to a PWBPD and their life revolves around avoiding abandonment. They have to be the victim and their ex.(s) the persecutor(s) and their latest attachment the rescuer.

[Turkish]

  I have a troubled relationship with my mum and grew up that things are never good enough. With my exBPD I felt totally accepted. Totally insync with him- the mirroring. I saw myself- he was me. I never felt save and accepted. It's why I never let people in- not totally as I'm always affraid they won't totally accept me. So I push/pull people too in a way. I did it to him too. I want people to accept me

Me as well. We'll welcome you on the Coping and Healing Board when you are ready.  I landed on Detaching first,  then went there,  which helped me put the present in perpective on looking at my past 

T

[roberto516]

Every human projects in their lives. It's not just a BPD thing. That's valuable to know as it can help you with your own emotions and feelings on this path to healing. I project, my ex projects, and everyone here does it at one point or another. It's easier than looking inside sometimes and because we are all flawed humans it's natural.

[I_am_Stacey]

A PWBPD will project their reality onto their partner when they don't feel good enough about themselves: anything to avoid feeling the core shame, they have to be the better person in their world.

PWBPD mirror others to gain a sense of self and feel like they exist. During idealization it is wonderful when they mirror us (soul mate feelings), once we get too close they can't mirror us anymore and devaluation begins because they fear we will see who they believe they are deep down, and they fear loosing themselves in us. Sadly the desire to enmesh and become one is more literal than most realize. They can't articulate why they do what they do and one relationship after another fails; feelings=facts to a PWBPD and their life revolves around avoiding abandonment. They have to be the victim and their ex.(s) the persecutor(s) and their latest attachment the rescuer.

Thank you lovenature, for explaining. It makes a lot of sense. And I can really relate as to how my exBPD behaves, what I've seen, heard him say It's so sad, as I see him for who he is. I was willing to accept him, with all his flaws. What you wrote just nails it.

XOXO

[I_am_Stacey]

Me as well. We'll welcome you on the Coping and Healing Board when you are ready.  I landed on Detaching first,  then went there,  which helped me put the present in perpective on looking at my past 

T

Thanks T,
I peeked around after your suggestion. I'll probably go there in time
My Therapist suggested that my mum probably has very strong NPD-traits and my dad was en alcoholic, so pretty disfunctioning family there. It's explaining a lot and I'm still figuring things out. I do see that I grew up with parents who couldn't express love. Still things aren't good enough for my mum  (dad past away more than a decade ago). It's all about her. I see how I have people in my life with strong NPD-traits and where my attraction to my BPDex came from. Still a lot of work to do.

XOXO 

[I_am_Stacey]

Every human projects in their lives. It's not just a BPD thing. That's valuable to know as it can help you with your own emotions and feelings on this path to healing. I project, my ex projects, and everyone here does it at one point or another. It's easier than looking inside sometimes and because we are all flawed humans it's natural.

You're absolutely right Roberto!
But it does help me putting some things in perspective that I thought didn't make sense. He pointed at me and I just didn't understand.
With the soulmate-feeling: it's the most intense feeling I ever had. I always say about my BPdex: 'He brought out the best in me and the worst in me' because for me it goes both ways. Thanks to him I know now I've to work on things within me. The past year and a half has been a rollercoaster, ups and downs, I crashed, but I know now that I can build it up again and I'm getting stronger. Will I ever be able to totally let him go? I hope so... .in time... .

XOXO

[roberto516]

Oh I completely agree. My ex brought out in me the mst loving caring affectionate thoughtless human being. Then she also brought out the resentful, rage filled person after the relationship. As much as I hate to admit that something good came from this it was the chance for me to actually know who I am for once in my life. To finally have a chance to learn how to feel feelings and dig into those dark closets I never wanted to go before.