Work to look after yourself

[Huat]

It brings a tear to my eye when I read some of the posts on this forum.  I speak from experience when I write it is heartbreaking to have a child cause so much hurt.

My husband and I are in our mid/late 70's and we have been to hell and back so many times because of the drama that we allowed ourselves to be drawn into by our (now 51-year-old) daughter.  I have shared my story a number of times on this forum but now I will just echo what so many write about the need to look after one's self.  It took me a loong time to learn that and I so hope it is not that long for others!

I remember, a few short years ago, waking in the middle of the night... .to cry.  My world was so black that I even thought of suicide.  All this because I let my daughter be the pivot-point in MY life.  It was not her fault.  I was allowing it.  Today I am more at peace.

The process of taking back MY life has not been an easy one... .and it will probably always be a work-in-progress.  While I confessed to making mistakes as a mother, I first had to keep telling myself that I have been (am!) the best mother I could be... .and I will continue to be.  When I knew better... .I did better!

The Prayer of Serenity's words are not only for those who are religious... ."Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... .the courage to change the things I can... .the wisdom to know the difference."  

As hard as it can be at times, you will always love your "problem" child. Know that you are not abandoning that child when you start look after the one that is within you... .the one that needs... .and deserves!... .love/nurturing/protecting too!

Keep posting!  What a wonderful place this is for all of us to vent... .to have our feelings validated... .and to see that others are on similar journeys... .some are certainly worse than others.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi Huat,

Thanks for your post. I feel that heartbreak, too, when I read some of the posts on these boards. For parents, these issues are especially poignant, because the relationship between parent and child is so loaded with deep feelings and expectations.

I agree that looking after yourself is such an important priority. Without that, how can we support our loved ones, our sons and daughters? Many of whom want and need a stable presence in their lives. Just like many of us do.

I have found that taking care of myself and my feelings, while validating others' feelings has "rubbed off" on some of the people close to me. Suddenly they are being kinder to themselves and to me. I like to think of the work that we do here and on our own as a gift not only to ourselves, but also to others—as long as our intentions are to grow ourselves and allow others to grow as they can.

It can be so very, very hard. My heart goes out to all parents dealing with a child who is hurting, struggling. Toughest job in the world, and I believe only the best and strongest are given the challenge. 

heartandwhole

[MomMae]

Thank you for your words of wisdom, Huat.  They mean more than you likely know to me and others on this board.  You have been on this journey for a long time and there is much for the rest of us to learn from your experience.    MM

[Lollypop]

Hi there huatt 

I always love and remember your posts so thanks so much for sharing your experience again. It's inspirational and shows the way forward for us all.

I finally got THE message when I turned 50. I was in a pit of misery, feeling so sorry for myself and I spent most of my time bleating to my family and friends. I had this son that just wouldn't make the right choices! I had a son who lied, stole, took drugs and was messing up his life. I had a son who wouldn't grow up.  Poor me!

I read the phrase the other day "there's no happy ending".

Life isn't a fairytale. Life's tough and it's certainly not fair.

There is happiness to be found, despite the problems.

I feel lucky that at 50 I saw the light in my very dark, negative space.

I will never be able to change my son - only he can do that.  This is the truth.

Faced with this fact I decided to turn my attention away from him. It was a conscious decision, not made with resentment or anger or even sadness.  I felt flat. I was most probably depressed.

For the first time in my adult life I decided to do something for myself. In all the mess of adulthood I'd somehow lost myself and I'd lost my sense of humour that's for sure. It felt selfish. My H resisted as he didn't like me changing. I took a brave step and signed up for a part time college course. It turned out to be life changing.

I'm now three years on and on another course. I found this forum 19 months ago. Posting often and consistently has helped me.  These two things have shown me how I can heal by working on myself. It takes effort and I'm still work in progress. I try and live with an open heart. I take pleasure from the small things.

When I wake up in the morning my first thought is rarely about my adult son.

I'm free. I love him but in a healthier way now.

Baby steps. Gently forwards. Be kind to yourself. Put yourself first.

We all deserve happiness. I've found some; sprinkle by sprinkle.

 


LP