How to get help for someone in denial of their BPD?

[sister/sister]

Many years ago my sister was given a BPD diagnosis. Then her therapist was not so sure that was correct. Ever since then, she denies that she has ANY disorders, is no longer in treatment, and not on any medication. It is obvious to the rest of the family that she definitely has BPD. (We recently read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" -- it's her.)
Her situation is now becoming urgent. She is unemployed, no health insurance, about to be evicted (again), and nowhere to go. We can no longer give her handouts, or have her live with us, but want to get her real help. She is becoming hopeless and doesn't see any way out.
Thanks for any advice you can give me.

[Notwendy]

This is a tough situation and it is difficult to watch someone you care for self destruct.

Perhaps I can reframe this for you. Often when there is a disordered person, there are enablers. People who enable are not thinking they are harming the person ( I have been one, so I know - I am talking about me too). The thought of someone we care for being out on the streets, or having money for food is distressing. So we help with money and shelter thinking we are helping the person.

But we really are not helping them in the long run because we are keeping them from the natural consequences of their actions, a real world lesson that is essential to behavior change.

Sure, we do not let people seriously harm themselves or others. We take car keys from people who are too drunk to drive. We call 911 if a loved one may possibly harm themselves or appears seriously ill. But beyond imminent danger, "bailing" people out of the consequences of their behavior enables them to continue it.

It could be that the best lesson for your sister is to face these consequences. In 12 steps, we learn that "hitting bottom" is sometimes the only hope that a person will change, if there is hope of that at all. You are in a sense doing your sister a favor by allowing her to hit bottom and not rescuing her. This is hard for you for sure, but I hope seeing it in this way makes it easy.

Sometimes pwBPD in this situation threaten to harm themselves. They may be serious or they may be manipulating you to rescue them. This is scary. Take all threats seriously. The response is to call 911. A person in this situation needs to be in professional hands. Giving her money won't help her in the long run. She will be taken care of in the hospital.

[Notwendy]

My own situation is my mother, who is elderly and has BPD, although she asserts that she doesn't have any problems and anything is someone else's fault.

My father was very sympathetic to her situation. He couldn't stand to see her in emotional pain. He truly and sincerely wanted her to have a happier life. We didn't have a ton of money, but we had enough to meet her desires. She likes to have expensive things and he provided them for her. But things change- kids get older, economy changed and eventually my father went into debt to make my mother happy.

He got help for her, the best help money could buy. The best doctors, treatment, medical care. He rarely talked about her issues, but it became obvious to me she had had psychiatric help. It didn't work because she didn't believe anything was wrong with her.

She is a widow now and she needs help with some household tasks. She refuses licensed help. She prefers people who she can manipulate, and people with skills won't put up with that. She tends to hire unskilled people who she meets through others. Some have been kind to her. Other times people have stolen from her, manipulated her into giving them money. She's vulnerable and we don't like that.

Our attempts to help her have turned into drama and verbal abuse. We won't do that. She's on her own because she insists on being in total control.

We don't like the idea of a widow her age in her situation. It isn't anything I would want for a parent. This is not the relationship I wanted for a parent- I would help an elderly parent. I have enabler tendencies but I am not the type of person to not try to do something for my parents. But this is the situation with my parent. She's insisted on making her decisions, and this is her choice to do so.

[pyropsycho]

This is exactly why I've gone low contact with my sister, because I can't keep dropping everything to take care of her emotional needs and deal with her neverending crises. If I keep taking care of her, she'll never learn how to do it for herself. Plus, when I'm taking care of her, I don't really have any resources left to take care of myself, which is no good to anyone.