I just don't understand it

[Tattered Heart]

I like to send my H random compliments as a way to let him know that he is important to me.

Me: I love you. I think you're pretty great too. <3

Him: Uh oh. What does "too" mean? Texted the wrong person?

Me: It means I love you and you are great

No response for 15 minutes. Him: Ok love you too.

I don't know if I will ever understand him. How could my very nice and inoffensive compliment become offensive? I don't get it. I would never think that my H telling me he loves me and that I"m great too was meant for someone else. I am so confused on how that could be interpreted any other way.

I'm trying not to blame myself. This is what he does when I go out of town. I was at my mom's for 2 days for the holiday and even though I made a very specific point of spending time with him yesterday, he is feeling insecure. Last night I dodged a cheating accusation. I failed one of his tests this morning because he woke me up by groping me. I told him I didn't like being groped. Must get my validation game on point before I go home this evening.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Triedmybest408]

You aren't alone.

if my text aren't worded correctly or something is bugging my GF.

the most heartfelt texts, will be misinterpreted and based on how i react or respond will dictate my day... .

sighhh

[abraxus]

Haha, I can see why he thought that.

From my experience with an ex with BPD, they have no concept of context.

When you said "I think you're pretty great too", you meant it as a follow on to your first sentence. However, he probably read it as a standalone sentence, without the context of the first sentence. In reading it that way, it sounds like a reply/response to someone telling you that you're pretty great, rather than a follow on statement.

I used to hate text conversations with my ex, because they'd start out fun, but then descend into an argument because she misinterpreted something.

In addition to this lack of understanding of context, it seems that they subconsciously analyse literally everything you say to see if anything could be interpreted as potential rejection. My ex once once blew up at me in a restaurant after we finished dinner, when I said I'd pay and then walk her home. I was taken completely by surprise, until she apologised and said she reacted to her abandonment fears, and thought I was trying to get rid of her.

It seems they have this overly sensitive radar to rejection/abandonment, and when anything triggers it they react in a knee jerk way. If you recognise it when it happens, and are there to catch it, correct it, and nip it in the bud, it's ok, but if not then it stays with them as a distorted reality.

[Alayne]

Omg! Stay sane. That's maddening. The flip to making you defend an affair accusation was particularly cruel. It's honestly incredible how easily BPDs do that. You fielded it nicely!

[Tattered Heart]

Haha, I can see why he thought that.

I finally saw it about 4 hours later. It was like a lightbulb went off when I saw it. Thankfully he never brought it back up again. In moments like this I feel so sad for him. It must be so hard to always go to the negative aspect of things first.

[toomanydogs]

I finally saw it about 4 hours later. It was like a lightbulb went off when I saw it. Thankfully he never brought it back up again. In moments like this I feel so sad for him. It must be so hard to always go to the negative aspect of things first.

My H does that. I can't even ask him if he would like to go to the movie or out to dinner because he tells me 'no.' I need to say, "would you like to go to dinner?" and then wait and ask, "or instead of dinner, would you prefer going to the movie?"

He doesn't get the 'or' usage.

If I'd written, I think you're pretty great, too. He would never have recognized it as an add-on to the "I Love you."

God, this is hard, isn't it?

[Gumiho]

Mrs. Gumiho does that too. (It's probably when they are in aroused emotional state or something. Like a piece of information falling off the stack when other, things preoccupy them)

me: hun, sure I would like to come
gf: WOULD? That means you don't want to come!
-episode-

Happened like this ㅡㅡ

(She's Korean, her brain is a fast machine . She jumped at me almost instantly, it was a phone call, I could only reply... err umm, noo that's wrong~ but she was already throwing tantrums)

[halcyon]

Must get my validation game on point before I go home this evening.

I like the term "validation game".  Makes it sound like a fun challenge (instead of a struggle, which is what it usually feels like).

Before she was even diagnosed or in treatment, I learned to construct my texts VERY carefully.  I noticed right away that she had a tendency to misinterpret or twist my words around.  Maybe the fact that I'm a writer helps?  (I would like to think so).  But, even now, I find myself deleting portions of my texts before I hit send.  I also remember very early on in our relationship, I explained to her what commas meant. .  And now that I'm remembering it, I'm shocked she didn't get seriously offended!  But it helped a LOT, because before that she really had no concept of commas, and that was half of why she always misinterpreted things.

Texting and messaging are NOT BPD-friendly!  I'd rather voice-call her anytime

[Tattered Heart]

I like the term "validation game".  Makes it sound like a fun challenge (instead of a struggle, which is what it usually feels like).

I like to think of it more as a Jedi mind trick. ha ha ha!

Just a couple days ago he accused me of not validating him enough. His reasoning was: if I was validating well he wouldn't get mad. In my head I thought, "You just don't see the times I do it right."

[Grey Kitty]

You can also view him as horribly resistant to love, appreciation, and compliments.

Most (all?) pwBPD are full of self-loathing and feel unworthy at their core. So when you express these things, they conflict with his internal feelings. And are thus invalidating to him.

How does he cope with the feeling of invalidation? Turn it around, blame you, and attack you.

Remember... .feelings = facts. If he feels the need strongly enough, he WILL find a way to reject the love/compliment, and blame you for it. No matter how much he has to twist and misinterpret things. It wasn't about you or what you said in the first place.

  You did the right thing... .and he got over it in 15 minutes. Life with BPD. Keep plugging along.

[Pulka]

Grey Kitty nailed it.

I'll admit - I read the sentence two or three times myself and I thought 'is this text in response to him saying she's great?' Having a duh moment myself.  pleased you managed to sort it.

It's a common occurrence with pwBPD, they are quick to notice social cues but will largely misinterpret them. Hence why he questioned the text. Also some individuals with BPD show autistic traits, therefore something as simple as a text could be difficult to decipher.

As Grey Kitty pointed out, I've found BPD to be emotionally masochistic. In that they will look at any potential negativity to validate their irrational thoughts toward anxiety, self-loathing or their belief system.
They lack self-love and appreciation, compliments will be met with comparisons and self loathing, which will ironically end up with them pushing away their loved one.

[Tattered Heart]

How does he cope with the feeling of invalidation? Turn it around, blame you, and attack you.

Depending on his level of intensity at the moment, he usually will attack me in some way. Most of the time if I miss a validation then I can either set a boundary if needed or try to validate again, hitting the correct mark. It takes a little longer to get him out of his feelings if I miss the first validation, but he gets there so long as he can see that I'm actually listening to him.

[isilme]

He doesn't get the 'or' usage.

Yes.  I try to be clear as I speak, but that requires multiple clauses as I talk.  You guys see how long winded I am trying to be clear in writing - try that in talking O_o

I get interrupted mid-sentence when I take a breath and have to keep insisting "There was more, stop, stop, you are going down a rabbit hold on an incomplete statement." And then I get accused of changing what I said instead of him admitting I never got to even finish what I said.

And Yes, "I love you" and other things make him uncomfortable.  Texting I try to keep straight to facts or direct questions.  Do you want to eat dinner?  Do you want to do something else?  Do we have plans?  Are we out of ketchup?  And I try to avoid clauses in texts because like others have noticed, the "or" gets lost and ignored. 

We use a messenger throughout the day, but I usually reserve it to sharing cat pictures or other silly things during the work day.