16 years

[just like me]

Hello. I joined this group in the hopes that someone could help me get clarity in what ive been dealing with for 16 years. I have 3 boys with my husband and have been with him since the age of 17. I am currently in therapy for major marital problems that have gotten so out of control, its been affecting my military career, our children, and I'm so bad off right now I'm being treated for depression and anxiety. My therapist recently asked me if ive ever considered my husband may have BPD. I had no idea what that was. After reading the book, "stop walking on eggshells" it became clear that this was possible. He would never even consider seeing a therapist so I really don't know what to do anymore.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi just like me and welcome 

I'm so sorry that you have been having such awful problems in your marriage.  Are you still in the marriage and living together? 

You were on track by coming here.  It is the right place to find answers and others who can relate to what you have been going through.  Many members have undiagnosed partners or ex partners on these boards and can empathise with what you experience and feel.  You're not alone.   

I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist who can support you through this difficult time.  It must be so hard to see impacts on your career and your boys.  How old are they?

Keep reading and posting.  You'll find lots of great articles to help your understanding further and tools you can use to ease things for yourself.  We can help you to find these resources if you have specific questions.  I'll look forward to your other posts.

Love and light x

[just like me]

My boys are ages 13, 10, and 4. I just haven't been able to figure out why it feels like sometimes he thinks I'm greatest person on this earth and and later feels as though I ruined his life. From 16 years of this, I myself now suffer major self esteem issues, I feel as though there's something wrong with me. Why have I let him convince myself that it is me. I'm a bad mother, a terrible wife, a worthless human being and really it goes on and on.

[Harley Quinn]

My boys are ages 13, 10, and 4. I just haven't been able to figure out why it feels like sometimes he thinks I'm greatest person on this earth and and later feels as though I ruined his life. From 16 years of this, I myself now suffer major self esteem issues, I feel as though there's something wrong with me. Why have I let him convince myself that it is me. I'm a bad mother, a terrible wife, a worthless human being and really it goes on and on.

Hi just like me,

This is something that is quite typical behaviour in a pwBPD.  It is characteristic of the disorder and we call it the phases of idealisation and devaluation.  I can relate all too well to how it can feel so very painful and confusing to one minute be on a pedestal and feeling on top of the world, then to suddenly topple off and become an irredeemable monster.  

What I will say to you is that in reality we are neither of these extremes.  We are humans with great qualities and flaws alike.  The difficulty a pwBPD has in comprehending this lies in their black and white thinking.  There are no grey areas.  In their perception a person is either 'all good' or 'all bad', so even a perceived slight can result in us being 'painted black'.  This is also known as 'splitting'.  

Sorry for all the technical terms!  I hope however that this helps you to understand a little about what you have been experiencing, and more importantly to begin to believe for yourself that you are not the terrible person you have felt that you are as a result of this behaviour.  16 years and 3 children with your husband are both good indicators in fact of quite the opposite.  Clearly you have invested in your marriage.  I am sorry that these things are now taking their toll on you.  What treatment are you receiving for your depression and anxiety?

Your boys range from quite young.  How are they coping and do they have support also?  What is the situation with your family right now?

Stay in touch.  This is a safe place to share and let things out whenever you need to.  

Love and light x

      

 

[Harley Quinn]

Why have I let him convince myself that it is me. I'm a bad mother, a terrible wife, a worthless human being and really it goes on and on.

Just to pick up on something I didn't include in my reply.  A pwBPD can suffer from extremely low self worth and have a chronic feeling of emptiness.  My ex was very self loathing and disliked his behaviours.  He would sometimes project these feelings onto me, which, you guessed it - led to self esteem issues in myself.  Projection is another BPD behaviour.  I am hopeful that your therapist is going to be very supportive in rebuilding that self esteem which you are struggling with.  

You are right to want to learn all that you can, as this will help you in comprehending the behaviours you are seeing, where they stem from, and hopefully will ease some of the impact on you.  The relationship tools on communication skills are very useful too in creating healthier interactions.  

Things can get better.  Right now, take care of yourself and let us know any way we can support you.

Love and light x

[just like me]

Thank you for the information. I'm at a point now where I want out. He believes that I am the problem in our family. I filed for a divorce and he freaked out, called my command and made up a bunch of lies and had me investigated, then later that day said that he was sorry and would never do that again and that it was a mistake. When I said, what kind of husband does that to their wife, he said that he is only human and he was upset. And said that if I divorce him, my kids will hate me forever because I ripped our family apart. I want out, I just don't know how to get out because he knows that my kids are my whole world, so the things he says eats at me. So I continue to stay... .I feel like I'm just a body existing on this earth and the universe has deemed me to be hurt the rest of my life. If I leave him, he has no one else, no family, nothing, and so I feel guilty. But I'm not sure how much more I can take before I completely break. I feel lost in this world with no help and no where to turn. I have no friends. Everyone I meet, he convinces me that theyre bad influences and I shouldn't be around people like that. Much of my family doesn't talk to me anymore because I stay with him

[Lucky Jim]

Hey just like me, It's easy to get isolated in a BPD r/s, which leads to a loss of perspective.  My suggestion: reach out.  You're going to need the support of friends and family because it's tough to make positive changes on your own.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  Do you have any particular questions?  Are you seeing a T?  Many of us have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim