Re: Advice Part 2

[Gumiho]

 I wrote a long heartfelt message/letter today. Brimming with verifications, after she wrote "throw your attachments away". I dont know anymore, feeling depressed, lonely, rejected and abandoned by the woman at the center of my universe (ofc I won't give out that joy of letting her know... ) she should think I'm doing fine. Though I'm not. ㅠㅠ
  A couple of hours later I asked her if she understood (I spent a lot of time to translate the messages to korean), cause I saw she read them. She replied "no". So I translated it back into my language, she read that, but no reply.
  She's so cruel   "throw your attachments away". Good lord.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gumiho]

Locking thread due to length. New topic start for Part 2

Thanks TH.

Here's Advice Part 1.

._.

[Gumiho]

I think I have just dug my own grave.

After sending her validating messages of how awesome she is, of how I recognize my fault in complaining (about her repeatative breakup threats over 1.5 years), trying to reach out many times (trying to call) - maybe twice per day - she had only sporadically replied in monosyllables.
Over five days this is going on since she puked out her final break up tell. I lost it. I can't keep putting up with such a psychterror.Writing so many heartfelt tells just to be ignored and get a halfassed reply in return, not giving a damn about what I addressed.
On the only unblocked connection I had left (messenger) I have tried to voicecall her 15 times over the course of 1 hour and 15 minutes. (whenever I tried calling it hung up instantly, which means her provider phone line is occuppied. I know that from earlier phone blowups). So she was on phone for more than an hour, thats exactly identical with how we started, phoning for hours at 12~2am (she already found a replacement? I can't tell yet).

Then she finally replied on the unblocked messenger:
?: STOP THIS
me: nope?
?: WHAT TIME IS IT? (2:15am)
?: IT'S NOISY
?: STOP BOTHERING ME
me: now... .
?: BECAUSE OF YOU MOTHER WOKE UP!
me: I tried to reach out to you for 5 days... .
?: I SAID WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
me: but you were on phone until just before
me: please, no lies
me: hello? (no reply)
?: STOP THIS
?: I HATE THIS VERY MUCH
me: can you remember? (old boundary about lying)
me: yeah me too (hate this)
?: YOU REALLY CAN'T DO THIS. YOU CAN'T! (and what did she? meh)
?: I HATE IT IF YOU DO LIKE THIS. I HATE IT
?: I HATE IT VERY VERY MUCH
me: that's it now

--- unread tells (I think she blocked the last connection too. Edit; she didnt, she read it 3:40am here) ---

me: what do you "hate so much"?
me: huh? for 5 days I have been trying to get back to you
me: after YOU YOURSELF tried to call me twice
me: "you really can't do like this. I hate it" ... .what? explain yourself
me: Now that's it for this behavior. I'm not a bad person (how ahe treats me)

... .I took a screenshot of the unread messages (I always did that), and put it into an email.

Hello, dear mrs.gumiho

For five days I have been begging you to answer me. Many many times I have tried to to reach out to you. (SET fail incoming)
I can relate very well that you receive stress (actually I don't understand at all). I also would have stress (not really), since I was trying to reach out to you.
If you called, I would have called back the day after, that is the truth.
I beg you again, I BEG, to contact me. Please, really begging you, honestly. Please

Please take a look at the screenshot (with the unread messages), this all needn't be like this.

I beg you. Please. Understand (ofc she can't... I'm a villain now)
I am not a "crap man" (she called me that 5 days ago) ... .If you mom can't sleep, go into you room. You yold me you have your own room in the new place

... I feel stupid...
Gonna send another message before sleeping. That she need not to worry, and that I am not angry. (I want to smash things now though. seriously pi**ed)

Frustrated Gumiho is frustrated.

[Gumiho]

Guess I blew my cover last night and she's fully aware of how I'm desperate I am to get our relationship back on track. On top of that she's probably got her anger reinforced and I made things needlessly more complicated.

I thought going back a few steps would be the best, to start trying to resolve this mess.

I told her that -
• she needn't worry, that I am not mad at her, I just have been reaching out for 6 days straight (and didn't get her to sit down and have a talk)
• and that I want to talk to the kind Dr. Jekyll (made a pun of her name), not to Mr. Hyde
- earlier this morning.

6 hours later I sent her a text
• To Dr. Jekyll:
   I know you are blocking all to protect youself. (as she worded it ... sort of S)
   I can understand very well. And I respect that as much as I can (I need to work on E)
   And you know I don't like it, because I feel like a doormat. I wouldn't give a damn with anybody else, but with you that doesn't work.
   To Mrs. Hyde:
   Please tell Jekyll what I just wrote~


Luring her out from under the bushes was never this hard before... she sits there like a scared hedgehog, presenting its spikes, literally (for way too long). I wonder what other tasty "word-foods" I still haven't waved in front of the hedgehog, to lure it out eventually. It wouldn't get starved because it feeds on NC all the time.


Gumiho

[abraxus]

From what you've said I think you need to take a step back, both for her benefit and your own welfare.

Regardless of BPD or any other issues, if someone tells you to stop contacting them, then that's what you have to do. To do otherwise is disrespectful to them, and not healthy for you. It seems clear that she's upset and distressed at your continued contact, and she's said as much, and so it's clearly unfair to keep adding to that. In fact most people, BPD or not, would find that scary and deeply unnerving.

You've said what you want, and so now you have to leave it to her to decide if she wants to speak with you. The best thing you can do is let go, assume you won't hear from her, and move on with your life.

[Gumiho]

Regardless of BPD or any other issues, if someone tells you to stop contacting them, then that's what you have to do.

Yes exactly, I want to second that. I don't know if you read part 1 or not, but I had asked her to please not contact me anymore as long as she bears a grudge, she however did contact me. Many times

In fact most people, BPD or not, would find that scary and deeply unnerving.

True that. BPD or not, any normal person would think so. I'm not sure in her case.

You've said what you want, and so now you have to leave it to her to decide if she wants to speak with you.

That's true. As previously said persistence usually paid off with her. I have to mark both my presence and leave her alone, which is not an easy thing to me. It's her who wanted to break up, and I am trying to get her back, this time around. If I dumped her, I'd agree. I am trying to get her to talk because there obviously is a lot of unsaid stuff between us. Which she newly neglected.

But yeah I'm moving on with my life as much as possible.

Anyways I take your advice to heart, thanks.

[Triedmybest408]

stay strong Gumiho!

[Gumiho]

Thanks TMB ♡
ㅠㅠ

[Gumiho]

Mrs. Gumiho called a while ago. Out of the blue. After nearly 3 weeks of NC.  

We both seemed to just have woken up, although I went to mental arousal instantly, and we talked like nothing happened. She was all giggles and laughing too.

Odd (well ... not) too, she didn't mention -anything- about the fighting and break-up. I said "I think we have to talk". She replied "there's nothing to talk about". - now this is not so strange to me, whenever I got recycled in the past, she just dropped the subject and never talked about it again. Like a babyvolcano stashing magma for the next erruption, to eventually release it in a massive outburst.

It's now for me to wait for a good moment to talk about this, *sigh*, this is like selfinduced partial amnesia or something...

Anyone notice such a behavior in their pwBPD too?

[Zoaron]

It's now for me to wait for a good moment to talk about this, *sigh*, this is like selfinduced partial amnesia or something...

Anyone notice such a behavior in their pwBPD too?

I've heard of some instances where the person doesn't remember anything that happens during the crisis. It doesn't appear to happen with my gf, cause when she gets out of the crisis, she immediately feels regret.

[Gumiho]

... .cause when she gets out of the crisis, she immediately feels regret.

That's a good point. You're so lucky your gf is insightful and tries to resolve conflict by talking about it.
Mrs. Gumiho might feel so ashamed, she decided to refuse to talk about it, repressing it. That's why we rarely resolve conflicts, which of course are remembered in her next episode, when she opens her bag of furious cats.
  I usually wait for a good moment to bring up the most pressing things, but those moments are very rare per se.
Ah what a headache

She once brought up an interesting topic about men (me in this case), being able to see the bigger picture, and her can only see details. Maybe she can only "see details" because she represses unpleasant input (feelings).

[Gumiho]

Wednesday Update~

Mrs.Gumiho was triggered anew by Gumiho misspelling a word in Korean

It was meant to be a funny word like "That's so hilarious"... but as Gumiho mistakenly wrote, she got it as ":)on't make me laugh".

"Trigger happy TV"  she wouldn't even tell me why she's so worked up... she just broke a three day NC... .

Ah damn LDR hahah ... gimme a room I can walk out from

EDIT: Sometimes I wish I could crawl into her ear with a hammer and chisel and fix that brain... no I always do

[Gumiho]

Hi reader~

Here's a little update on our story (I wrote in different threads but want to put a summary here for my sanity).

We're now one full month into mrs Gumiho's latest split.
Communication was practically zero, I'd of course let her know from time to time that I still exist and am ready and open to talk whenever she felt like it. Sometimes I gave it a try to give a call on her number to verify if she still blocks me (she still -does- block me).

Up to yesterday I thought things are about to improve, as she's been calling once or twice per week in the past fortnight. Which is not quite the 10~15 times she daily used to call in good times. Sometimes she'd drop a monosyllabic reply on the unblocked messenger, better than just reading and not answering nonetheless, not quite what we shared before though.

My selfcare has tremendously improved. I have started in a new part-time job and have new tools to pass my summer vacation with other things than hurting 24/7.

Two days ago, I informed her of getting that new occupation (in this country... with a language different than english which I hardly can speak still, is a tremendous feat to me). Needless to say I was quite upbeat and eager to communicate to my center of the universe that I'm going exorbital. She didn't respond at first, just read and replied in the early morning (hours later), seemingly not that interested, but asking what I tried to tell, well no problem. It's for me, and she had little to no control about it and I got it without her help.

By the way yesterday was our anniversary. While I was at work, she called me twice. Amidst being very busy I picked up as I am supposed to, and I calmly let her know that I am busy, at work and will try to get back at her after work. Man wow, two times should be a fantastic improvement to her acting over the past month. I thought. The second time she called she told me that she slept until noon and dreamt of me! Whoa. wow.

So after work I tried to call back. Number still blocked. No reply. I thought she must be busy, no biggie, I'd just leave her a message on the unblocked messenger on my tablet, I left at home. Finally getting home, completely beat up from my first day at work, I dropped a message that I'm home and crashing exhausted. She read that. No reply. I sent her a photo of what I've been doing at work. She read that too. No reply. Two hours later I asked what she's doing (reading and not replying). De nada. I eventually fell asleep.

6 hours! later she called me (at 2:30am this morning), I asked what she's been doing (again), she didn't say anything. I would attempt starting to talk about my first day at work, when she fell into my word, asking if she woke me up. I calmly suggested that if I did anything wrong, why she couldn't reply to my call 6 hours before, although she saw it on her phone. (I felt not like using SET, being grumpy Gumiho, still waking up, lest in no way I said it in an accusing tone). Immediately she'd lash out "AH WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING? OH SO BORING. I'M HANGING UP. GOOD NIGHT!"... .fantastic 3 minutes into our call.

Ops. Back to square one.
I reminded her that I am incapable of reading her mind over a phone line, and tried to go back to sleep. Of course Gumiho would toss around until 5:30am, worrying.

My theory is that her passive aggressive behavior (reading and not replying) is in fact a hidden extinction burst to stepping across my boundary, that blocking my phone is a no-go.


Well, stepping back again.  -_- annoying.

[Gumiho]

Little update (1 month and 2 days into splitting)

She suddenly called me up, I already fell asleep, telling me she came to my town yesterday, and that she wanted to meet up. Unbelievable. After a month of practically zero conversation as if nothing happened... well let's see what will change from now on... .
She doesn't seem to be willing to talk about our issues (guilt?).

She was all "don't touch me" withholding affection tho, but I've seen that behavior many times before.

... .weird. Just weird~


Puzzled
Gumiho

[Zoaron]

Little update (1 month and 2 days into splitting)

She suddenly called me up, I already fell asleep, telling me she came to my town yesterday, and that she wanted to meet up. Unbelievable. After a month of practically zero conversation as if nothing happened... well let's see what will change from now on... .
She doesn't seem to be willing to talk about our issues (guilt?).

She was all "don't touch me" withholding affection tho, but I've seen that behavior many times before.

... .weird. Just weird~

I would just go with the flow right now.  Don't talk about the issues yet.  Basically just play it by ear and see what happens.  Don't go with affection or anything yet.  Might be a "start over" thing were you want to try to work on a friendship before getting the relationship work done.  Just my two cents.

[Gumiho]

Well, the withholding will take a long time probably. (It was 4 months after the last split in February)

Atleast princess granted me an audience. That's a start~

I don't think my heart is capable of being "just friends". She knows that and it's sort of a boundary created at the start of our relationship. It's the line I never will cross with her.

EDIT: Oh yeah, she also combed through my phone again, searching for inexistant evidence (as usual) ^^

[Gumiho]

Back in the game I guess  

We met twice today, for dinner and lunch, and we spent some quality time together.

My feet are pierced by eggshells but I managed to tip-toe around the cooking baby-volcano quite well.

Mrs.Gumiho apparently is mad
● for me JADEing (despite numerous promises not to argue before I learnt about BPD - she said she can't believe me anymore... .)
● for asking her big sister for help (despite numerous promises not to involve her anymore - I have used sonar and tried to communicate with big sis, fail, she doesn't want to talk with me... .Oh so many incidents have me assume that big sis got BPD traits as well)
● about me JADEing about our facebook incident, why she blocked me there (her always telling me she uses facebook for promotional purpose, I asked her then why she added director A, along with old fiends who certainly do not help her promotional idea, She lashed out at me being jealous at A. And I JADEd back dismantling her statement to the core)... .She said "you will know everything", when I asked her to add me back. - everything means her special-events info, what she tried to hide for unknown reason, over a month ago... .

So I have multiple construction sites ㅡㅡ

- me (trying) not to JADE again ofc is the main issue, hard one, time will mend wounds
- getting friendly with big sis, I might start there
- facebook: 50/50 one, I don't really care (it was all a misunderstanding after all)
-- I have to find out why she thinks she shouldn't want to tell Gumiho about her special-events first, hard one, probably another series of Gumiho-fails

... .time to fix things ^^


Enlightened
Gumiho