Hope

[JoyfulOne777]

I've been married almost 18 years, and it was only last year that I discovered BPD was a thing. I was researching mental illness because my husband exhibits strange behavior sometimes, and I was trying to understand better. His dad is Schizophrenic, so I started researching more and found BPD. It totally fits what his behavior has been like, and now I am learning some coping strategies to help me better help him. He's not yet in a place where he will get help, but just understanding that something is wrong has helped me be able to be more compassionate towards him, and also to help me plan better (for example, not putting myself in a stressful situation like travel plans etc. where I would need to rely on him).

I had been documenting his behavior for a year before I researched mental illness as an option, then I've been documenting since then as well. It's really helped me to see things more clearly and objectively and to understand the ups and downs of him practically worshiping me as perfect, then treating me like I'm the worst person in the world for really minor things.

I'm thankful to find out I'm not alone in all of this and that there are others out there who understand what I've gone through.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Joyful! Welcome to the boards

I love your name. Just reading it is a reminder that joy is so important in life. Has tracking your husband's behavior helped you? I've tried to do this in the past and would fall off documenting, but I know at times, it helped me to not feel like I was going crazy. Does your H also have characteristics of schizophrenia?

We have a lot of resources on the right side of the page. You'll find lots of tools to help you communicate better with your pwBPD and how to take care of yourself better too.

[JoyfulOne777]

Yes, I think documenting each incident has truly helped save my sanity. It's so helpful to go back and read what's been going on because I can get a more objective whole picture. It's fascinating how there are cycles. I guess I used to just take the really high, super almost worshipful behavior as if it was the new normal. He'd say things to me like I'm the only person in the whole world who is sane, or that I'm so wonderful etc.) But then when the low would hit and suddenly I'm a terrible person and the one who's ruining his life (for something like a setback in a rental he wanted to get and I wouldn't go along with it because it wasn't good timing financially for us and would mean our daughter would have to give up her kitten who is her whole world).

Now, I realize that it's all part of the cycle and I'm able to not take the highs or lows too personally. This was the first time I've ever set a limit and not gone along with a plan just because I wanted to make him happy, knowing that it wasn't a great choice. I was shocked that after he threw a bit of a grown-up tantrum, he was totally fine the next day. AND we came out without zeroing out our bank account, still on progress to save to buy a house, and without traumatizing our daughter. 
 
I looked into Schizophrenia, and I don't think he has those traits. That's why I was so excited to find Borderline Personality Disorder. It's helped me to understand what's been happening to me for the past 18 years and find some kind of predictability to the strangeness. There's been lots of times when things are going well that I forget that it even happens, but then something will trigger him (usually when a stressful situation arises, which I've realized that I have subconsciously protected him from stressful situations by absorbing the tough stuff for him all these years like getting up with our kids when they were babies and awake at night etc.) Now I realize that I truly am with someone who isn't always able to be strong when I need help, so I've compensated recently by gathering the support I need from others and not allowing myself to be put in a situation where I'm in need of help from him. (Like staying out too late with the kids, or taking on too much at work etc.) Planning this way has given me so much hope and taken away a lot of stress in my life. I simply plan as if I'm a single mom, that way I'm not pushed past what I'm able to handle on my own.

It's sad too though to feel this way because the highs are so great. How do others deal with these feelings that the highs aren't really "real" and that I can't start counting on him just because he's acting normal? That's where I've gone wrong in the past. I'll let myself be put in a situation where I'm in over my head like when we went on a hike and ran out of water and I had to run back to the starting point (pregnant) while he carried our two crying/tired toddlers. On my own, I wouldn't have gotten myself into that situation. Knowing about the risky behavior has been so helpful too, because now I can make sure that I plan outings to make sure they go smoothly.

[Tattered Heart]

I struggle with this too. WHen things are going good I get comfortable and then wham! I stop paying attention or I forget to validate and things fall back into chaos. It's a fine line between being constantly aware and walking on egg shells.

For me this board helps me a lot. Even when things are going well I try to stick around on here helping others out. This is also a reminder to me about constantly working on communication skills at all times, not just when things are not going so great.

Over the last couple of months, I've started trying to find information on what to do during the idealization phase. I haven't been able to find a lot but some things I've found suggest trying to help you pwBPD see the gray areas in you so that when the devaluation phase comes they may not get too stuck in black & white thinking.

As for the reliance on him during good times vs bad, can you tell when things are beginning to decline? Are there small areas that you can begin letting him handle his own consequences? Do you have people available to you that can help you when he is unable or unwilling to help with tasks that you cannot do on your own? (I've been there. My H is taking a work trip in a few weeks and I am considering hiring a handyman to come in while he is gone to complete all the projects my H keeps putting off or half starts)

[5xFive]

I struggle with this too. WHen things are going good I get comfortable and then wham! I stop paying attention or I forget to validate and things fall back into chaos. It's a fine line between being constantly aware and walking on egg shells.

This!
This happens do me All. The. Time. I get comfortable. I forget that he experiences reality so differently than I do. I forget to validate or I jade or I just forget one of the million tiny things I'm supposed to remember to do (I swear he either has a running list of all the things he's asked of me over the last 17years, or he just makes stuff up to get mad about, ).
This happened today even. His typical 3 day down cycle ended yesterday afternoon so I was assuming we're heading into idealization zone (yay!) but apparently I forgot to lock the front door when I got home yesterday. He got so mad at me this morning, that he is now "divorcing" me because I NEVER do ANYTHING that he asks and he's already asked me to make sure the front door was locked 12 times before this. 12 is such a specific number! I don't remember talking about it ever before, much less 12 times! Sheesh, keeping myself from jadeing was a challenge but I managed!

Joyful, I have documented as well, searching desperately for an answer to my uBPDh ups and downs, and especially to his irrational rages. It helps to have a visual! And good for you for setting a limit and sticking to it! That is so hard to do, and something I've only had limited success with. You should be so proud of yourself!

[JoyfulOne777]

Thanks guys for your replies. It brings tears to my eyes to finally have someone understand what it's been like. Even the not doing projects around the house. My husband once posted a joke on Facebook about how if you ask a man to do something, he's going to do it. There's no need to remind him once every six months.