Severe anxiety

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am having to move out of my marital house and find a new place to call home.  Massive anxiety and waves of sadness wash over me.  My ex was the captain of all these things, and a very good one at that.  So I miss her.  I miss her guidance and direction and the way in which she could authoritatively navigate these type of events.  I love playing vice-captain - and I excel at that role.  Her not being here means I need to step up and play captain and this seems to hit some real soft spots in my character.

Sleepness nights, tired days, and a few panic attacks tossed in have got me feeling less than good about who I became.  I have wished for her to come back, live our life together again.  I know it didn't work but in many ways that was easier than doing it all alone - again.

In thinking about my marriage and what did and did not work, I am at times left deeply questioning which of the two paths is more challenging; with or without her.  At times I ponder if all of life is not a trade off between acknowledging who we are and balancing that with our desires.  She may have had some serious issues, but so don't I.  In some ways, I thought our marriage was an agreement that we both came from difficult pasts and together we would stay as it was better than doing it alone or worst yet, spending more years seeking a partner that we could have r/s with and that had the understanding of all these elements.

I am beside myself with a deep sadness about where I have gotten to.  I decided to restart therapy and am going to see a shrink to see if it makes sense to take something for all this.  Just hope this all gets resolved soon, I can't stand how this all feels... .

[joeramabeme]

I am having to move out of my marital house and find a new place to call home.  Massive anxiety and waves of sadness wash over me.  My ex was the captain of all these things, and a very good one at that.  So I miss her.  I miss her guidance and direction and the way in which she could authoritatively navigate these type of events.  I love playing vice-captain - and I excel at that role.  Her not being here means I need to step up and play captain and this seems to hit some real soft spots in my character.

Sleepness nights, tired days, and a few panic attacks tossed in have got me feeling less than good about who I became.  I have wished for her to come back, live our life together again.  I know it didn't work but in many ways that was easier than doing it all alone - again.

In thinking about my marriage and what did and did not work, I am at times left deeply questioning which of the two paths is more challenging; with or without her.  At times I ponder if all of life is not a trade off between acknowledging who we are and balancing that with our desires.  She may have had some serious issues, but so don't I.  In some ways, I thought our marriage was an agreement that we both came from difficult pasts and together we would stay as it was better than doing it alone or worst yet, spending more years seeking a partner that we could have r/s with and that had the understanding of all these elements.

I am beside myself with a deep sadness about where I have gotten to.  I decided to restart therapy and am going to see a shrink to see if it makes sense to take something for all this.  Just hope this all gets resolved soon, I can't stand how this all feels... .

[purekalm]

Hey Joe,

 

I've also been missing my stbxh(left 9 months ago now) and thinking about the life we had, could have but can't have because of some life events. Like you, I'm moving forward on my own and I've been down the last few days that I won't be moving forward with him like I had thought, but on my own.

I don't even want to think about learning or loving someone else. We both had difficult pasts and I thought the same. It's really a shame, it really is.

I think it's good that you're restarting therapy because it will help you to deal with all the issues causing the anxiety. I hope it all resolves itself soon as well but one thing I have learned from this board is that it's almost always slower than we anticipate, baby steps, but it works itself out in due time as we can handle it.

Life has thrown us some major curveballs for sure. I believe we can work it out. Crazy things we never think about bring up unresolved issues or things we thought we put behind us and never really did. I think that's what is happening now. You've made it this far Joeramabeme, I believe you'll make it through this as well.

  again,

Purekalm

[heartandwhole]

Hi JRB,

I can really understand your feelings about this change. I think we sometimes underestimate how many losses we are grieving after such relationships. It seems to be much more than just about not having that person in our lives anymore. 

The anxiety about going it alone is very understandable. I can relate, and it doesn't feel good. I'm glad you are reaching out for support in real life and here.

Have you been able to give yourself some TLC and compassion when you feel that sadness? You are not alone. 

heartandwhole

[jhkbuzz]

I think it's really important to understand that you will be in a "season" of grief as you sell your home. I think it's a triggering event that will naturally cause you to reflect on everything - and will include a lot of sadness. That's okay. Your closing an important chapter in your life and it's okay to feel really, really sad about that.

I went through it myself. I spent a year in our house after she moved out and it was like living with ghosts. Everywhere I turned were memories, Christmas's, family dinners... .it was just flat out rough. Even living in the same town, going grocery shopping when we used to go together; restaurants... .all of it. Just rough.

The strange thing is that in some ways it was necessary, though - I chose to stay in that house and I grieved for a year. It's like I needed that time to process everything and I had to do it in that space. But then I started looking towards the future and realized I didn't want to be grieving for another year, another ten years... .so I put the house on the market. It sold very quickly and I was out in less than a month. I bought a new house in a town about 45 minutes away.

That was nearly two years ago and, looking back, it was the healthiest, most life-affirming thing I ever could have done. My life today is good, and I'm happy. But I didn't get here without experiencing a LOT of sadness, and crying a lot of tears.

Allow yourself to feel it all without drowning in it; keep moving and making decisions that help you build a new life for yourself. I promise you'll get there.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I am really sorry to hear about your anxiety, especially the panic attacks. I remember when my relationship of six years ended after I found out my ex was having a Facebook affair. She was my rock and I thought I would never be able to get by without her help and support.

To put this is context, I had just relocated to Denver for a job that was a nightmare (the old bait and switch) where I was having daily panic attacks. I had one so bad that I had to go to the ER.

I also had to share our apartment for four months until our lease was up. That was hard. But you know what? What I thought I could never do, I did. I went to therapy, started a new medication and learned that I had the strength to move on without her.

I went from panicking, unemployed and being severely anxious to getting a job I loved, getting my own place and dating new people.

Sometimes when we feel our weakest, great things happen that surprise even our biggest critics (us). Once I got over the shock and feelings of doubt, I put my foot down and drew a line in the sand and started to fight back. In the end, it was one of my proudest moments and I really grew from it.

P.S. Love that guitar!

[joeramabeme]

Thank you all.

the panic and anxiety escalated and hit  peak last night. 

I am now realizing that this isn't as much bout leaving my home as being totally scared to go somewhere new or to even make a change.  I had a chance to buy a place Sunday and passed it by.  I am going through severe opposing and oscilating yes/no decisions that are literally paralyzing me and have severely degraded my life.

As I struggle through this, I am starting to re-write my exes opinions of me as being accurate.  During our marriage, I could not stay decided on our important life decisions.  She used to call me Jekyll and Hyde in reference to my waffling back and forth. 

Now that I am on my own and going through this with as much panic as I did with her and our major decisions, I am seeing why she said what she did.  This all seems to be escalating my sadness which has turned to bouts of sobbing.  I must move soon.  I do not own my home and there is an open house this weekend during which it will definitely sell.  Yet I am frozen.

A good friend is going to literally help me pick a place.  In the meantime, I am wondering if any one else has epxerienced the inability to make a decision with equal amouts of fear and panic whether they say yes or no.