Dated BPD, I ended it 7 months ago, can't let go emotionally, don't want to live

[MindVsHeart]

I ended my relationship with D. in Dec last year -- 7 months ago.  Below is a brief outline of the relationship.  Seeing psychologist who told me she has BPD traits.  Have read over 20 articles on men dating BPD and agree with him.

My mind intellectually sees and accepts that she sometimes ___ed at me to bully me into doing what she wanted, very controlling and manipulative, very selfish, and entitled.  I ended it to protect myself from more of this, but my heart never stopped loving her.  "But I love her" is what my heart says.  It was 7 months ago.  I'm so tired of this that at this point I simply do not want to live.  :)uring idealization phase gave me the love I'd always wanted and never gotten.  So happy.  Then then the devaulation phase came and I got nothing but control and me giving to her with her only giving me just barely enough to "dose" me and keep me hooked.   After 7 months of not being able to let go, I just want to die.

Apr 2016:  Almost by accident reconnect with childhood friend that I had never dated.  I was 51 at the time, she was 40.  We'd known each other 25+ years ago but never dated.  Things came together quickly and both very in love.  Everything absolutely perfect including her parents already knew me and loved me from years ago.  It was a long distance relationship -- we were separated by 5 hours and saw each other every 2 or 3 weekends.

June:
I tell her that I'm in love with her.  She's elated and says feels same.
2 weeks later at her church, we are filing into the row of seats.  I walk to the end of the row, look over my shoulder and see that she had not followed.  I was puzzled.  Suddenly she gets a rageful angry look on her face, takes her index finger and points it at the chair she'd prefer to sit in, and says loudly and angrily, "No, we will sit here!"  I was stunned.  She did this in public.  After church we talked about it, and she was very apologetic.  Next day I woke up very afraid that I was dating someone crazy and ___y would give me a whole lot more crazy abusive treatment so I ended it.  She asked me to take her back and said she was not that girl.  Because I loved her very much, I did.  I was not wrong --- lot more crazy and control and abuse... .

July:
Now all of a sudden I am almost zero priority.  Previously she'd been very attentive and responsive and I was of great importance.  When I complained about why it now took so much longer to get replies to texts and why she is reaching out to much less, she outright said the honeymoon phase was over.  I should have stopped then.  But I loved her and had never been controlled or manipulated or abused as an adult so didn't realize what was ahead of me.  I would have done anything for her and now at this point it was all about her and her needs and she no longer met my needs.

We had plans for me to come down in 2 weeks.  I said something she did not like which was mildly not good.  I apologized but she punished me by saying now I could not come down for 3 weeks.  There was no reason for this.  I believe she was establishing control over me and using punishment to cement that.  I am embarrassed to say I stayed.

End of the month:  she's moving to AL (5 hours from me) from very southern, AL.  I want to come help her pack the van and move.  She's shorthanded.  Again she controls and says that I cannot come down but she will "let" me meet her to unload.  This was the first manipulation I noticed.  Established that I was lucky to get to help her instead of her asking for help.

August
She moves to the new city and moves in with her sister whose marriage was not good.  She texts me to say that she will not talk to me on the phone from her sister's house.  Ever.  She had her own bedroom with a door.  She could have stepped into the back yard to talk to me.  She could have taken a walk on the farm there and talked to me.  But now she won't do any of these but will only talk to me on the phone on her way home from work on the 30 minute drive.  On her entire day off work or her whole weekend off work she can't be bothered to text me or find a way to talk to me.  I protested so she says she will call me.  She gets on the phone and in the same crazy ___y angry voice says to me, "Well, we're talking on the phone now aren't we!"  She bullied me into accepting her crazy and very controlling idea of when I got to talk to her.  And by this time I was in so deep that I complied and went along with this and felt lucky to still have her.

Sep
We go to a coffee shop.  Because of her own insecurity she gets the idea I'd flirted with the young lady working there.  We get to the car and she chews me out for this alleged flirting so bad that I break down and cry right in front of her.  She does not apologize but only says "Well, don't cry about it."  I should have left and did not.

All the rest of the Fall, I can only talk to her when she decides.  When I visit her in her new city then she largely ignores me except that we have sex every night.  Otherwise ignores me.

Twice during the relationship she told me about some fun sex position.  I ask that we do that then she tells me that she's not ready.  Next time same answer.  We'd been sexual a while.  She created a desire in me for something then exercised control by not allowing me to have it and putting me in the position of asking.  Control.  Manipulation.

I end it in December realizing that things will always have to be her way, very controlling, abusive, and selfish and will only get worse for me.  Then months of the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life -- felt like I was dieing.  That has passed but low grade sadness now.  She began dating another guy one month after our breakup and married him 2.5 months later.  

And honestly I just don't want to live without the sweet, nice, loving D. I met at first who showed me the love that no previous woman ever had.  She doesn't exist because that all went away after the devaluation phase started.  And now she's married but even if not I am smart enough not to take her back if she tried to charm me.

[jambley]

Is there someone you can talk to, a friend, a relative and tell them how you feel?

[vanx]

I really feel for you. Your story reminds me of my own. I struggle with suicidal thoughts as well. That's why I'm writing. I want to validate your experience and your pain. It is very sad and hurts a lot.
I'm going to write a little more, in hopes of validating and sharing, and if I'm lucky, helping in some small way. Don't beat yourself up if you are thinking this is taking too long to get over. I'm 8 months out and struggling too. Your job now is to be very, very, very patient and kind to yourself.
I think in these relationships, we do see and feel seen by another to what feels like the very core. Losing it hurts like hell, but you said yourself you see things intellectually for what they are. You can't force your emotions to catch up, but they will in time. I can really empathize. You will be ok and you will find meaning to this pain and the love you sought and deserve.

[ScottishKin]

I can understand where you're coming from.

I too have times where I feel like I don't want to face the future. But it's a feeling, not a fact. The fact that I can differentiate between the two gives me a significant advantage in life over the people who brought us to this forum.

It's all about our inner child (feeling) and our rational adult (fact). Your rational adult is the one who ended the relationship. Why? Because he knew you were setting yourself up for pain. You didn't feel like you wanted to end the relationship, you felt like you loved her, did love her. But a higher power kicked in and took over, a higher power from within your own mind that has your own best interests in mind. Fight or flight. Survival mode. Be proud of that rational adult. Be proud that you have the strength within you to end a toxic relationship.

The problem is the inner child kicks after the fact, the rational adult takes a back seat and all you're left with are feelings. It takes a long time for your inner child to catch up with where your rational adult left you twisting in the wind, and, although it hasn't happened for me, I'm assured it does happen.

If the thoughts of 'ending it' are fleeting, a deep down pit of your stomach style hopelessness that ebbs and flows with your day, I can relate. If this is a somewhat permanent state of mind, you made need some stronger help than words and good vibes. Do look into that. Feel what you feel for now and decide how much of it you can cope without assistance.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eric3141, I would say that your feelings are normal -- if more intense -- in the aftermath of a b/u from a pwBPD.  It's akin to a withdrawal from an addiction.  You are doing the right thing, in my view, by acknowledging your feelings.  The next step, I suggest, is to process your feelings in some way.  How to process?  Write in a journal, talk to a friend or family member, see a T, practice mindfulness meditation, take a walk in the woods, get physical exercise, do something creative to let your feelings out, listen to your gut feelings, etc.  You get the idea.  Now is also a good time to figure out why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place.  At the end of the day, pain leads to new growth.

LuckyJim

[NotOverHer]

Wow, it is uncanny how predictable and almost reproducible the treatment we get from our BPDs. When I asked her, a few months into our long distance relationship, why I was feeling that she was more distant, and less loving, texted me back "Well, I guess the honeymoon phase is over, and I'm settling in to a routine, but it doesn't mean I love you any less". This loss of the "honeymoon phase" seems to be the first time they start showing their true person. It's just amazing how these weird behaviors can be such an identical experience in our exposure with BPDs. And it is also the huge benefit of reading these posts. For me, it takes away the "What did I do wrong", and "What should I have done differently", as I realize that the answer to both questions is "Nothing".

I'm at exactly 4 weeks of NC. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a good day. I felt freed. Today I got a business email from someone in her office (that doesn't know about the fact that she was my girlfriend), and that email gave me butterflies followed by tormenting thoughts.

Here are things that have helped me make it through the day, and have helped me with my attempt at getting closure (and many were mentioned earlier by Lucky Jim).

1. Write a journal. Use your cell phone, since it's usually close to you. I put a date and time on each entry. It's therapeutic, allows me to go back to see how I was doing in previous weeks, and allows me to write down all the crazy crap I had to deal with. Those can be important if she ever tries a recycle.
2. Exercise regularly, the endorphin release will help you feel better. I've been working out every other day, and playing hockey a few times a week. I have always done that, and have continued to do that despite the blues that I've been feeling.
3. Try to get good sleep. This is usually an oxymoron when you deal with a breakup from a BPD, as the stress and emotional torture prevents you for sleeping, with makes you feel worse during the day, which makes you more emotional from lack of sleep, which makes you feel worse, ... .
If over the counter sleep aids like melatonin and Aleve PM don't work, ask your doctor for something stronger (like Ambien). Obviously not something to be used every day. But if you use it a few times a week, and are able to get better sleep, it will give you a better grip on your emotions.
4. Discuss your feelings with close friends. I have 2 close friends who know about what I have been going through. One is a man, and the other a woman. Both very good friends. I've been taking to them a few times a week. Getting it off my chest definitely improves how I feel.
5. Get out for a walk, a trip, a well deserved vacation. Go somewhere new, somewhere where there should be no association with or recollections of your BPDex.
6. Let yourself cry. I balled a few times. This is the only time I can remember balling in my entire adult life. But it is releasing. Sit in a comfortable chair, let the emotions come out, and let the tears flow. You will feel better afterwards.

If the above suggestions don't not help, and you continue to feel desperation and inability to see all the good that your future has to offer, then you may want to speak to a therapist about a short-term treatment with antidepressant medication. Life can be amazing, and we can't let these people with BPD make us forget it. This is a period of transition for you. It may be the most difficult thing you'll have to go through in your life. But you WILL get over it, come out stronger, find someone normal, who will actually really care about you, understand you, and love you. Something the BPD is unable to do.

Life is good. Don't let your BPDex take away your zest for life. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[Turkish]

And honestly I just don't want to live without the sweet, nice, loving D. I met at first who showed me the love that no previous woman ever had.  She doesn't exist because that all went away after the devaluation phase started.

This is one of the toughest aspects of a BPD personality that we struggle with,  the spitting and the "compartmentalized" as my therapist said) personality.

I'll posit that both women exist.  "Heaven and hell" as my ex told me about herself. 

Do you have real life personal support to talk to? Suffering in pain alone is brutal. 

Turkish

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Eric3141,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and especially how you are feeling.  It really is so very painful to lose the person who seemed at first to be all we could want.  How are you spending your days at the moment?  Do you have friends or family whom you can talk to about all of this?   

I'm concerned about you feeling so low right now.  Things can seem overwhelming when you're feeling depressed.  Perhaps some extra support would be helpful, even from a total stranger if you don't feel able to speak to those who know you.  There are ways to reach out anonymously when you need someone to talk to.  I recently learned of a text helpline that's available.  You just text the word 'Hello' to 741741.  Might be worth saving into your phone if you need to chat to someone late at night for example.

Please stay in touch.  Things do get better.   

Love and light x 

         

[Mutt]

Hi Eric3142,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. You have a lot of good suggestions from some of the others.

I just want to say that you don't have to go through this alone. Everyone that's in this discussion can relate with the pain and the push / pull feelings. Simone else mentioned that this sadness feels more intense not long after the break up, I too felt suicid all when my ex left with man she had an affair with. We're all in this together mending each other wounds. You're not alone

[Larmoyant]

Eric3141, I’m so sorry and just want to give you a huge hug  . I also experienced not wanting to live anymore and the pain of it all is hard to describe. Just please know that it does get better and with time, support from understanding others, reading, posting, taking care of yourself, and reaching out when you feel so down will lead you out of this pain. Sending love to you.

[jambley]

Eric if it helps, cry and let it all out... .you may feel better. There's nothing wrong with crying. I cried a little earlier.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Eric3141,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling suicidal. So many of us can relate. After my breakup, I felt like I didn't want to live anymore, too.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things do get better. I didn't believe that at all after my breakup, and frankly, I didn't care about life or how I felt anymore. But it did get better.   And it can for you.

I recommend gathering as much support around you as you can, and be very gentle with yourself. If you don't have to make big decisions, all the better. In this state of mind, we don't tend to be able to see the full picture.

You are not alone, Eric. We can all relate to your feelings and they are very understandable after such a breakup.

We're here for you. 

heartandwhole