How often did you see them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have read threads on here about how BPD behavior starts to show up within a few months of knowing them, but what if you only saw them a few times a week?

For example, when I first started dating this girl I saw her once a week for a few months and then twice a week for the rest of the relationship. There were a few small red flags in that year long time frame but nothing major until AFTER the one year hump.

Can they be on "good behavior" or go unnoticed for that long if you aren't seeing them as often?

The minor red flags I saw in that year were:
- very subtle hot and coldness when we were together, not too often though
- blame shifting
- said "promise you won't leave me" once
- stories of how she could be mean to others

After the year mark it all hit the fan in a horrific way.

[jinglebells1989]

I have read threads on here about how BPD behavior starts to show up within a few months of knowing them, but what if you only saw them a few times a week?

For example, when I first started dating this girl I saw her once a week for a few months and then twice a week for the rest of the relationship. There were a few small red flags in that year long time frame but nothing major until AFTER the one year hump.

Can they be on "good behavior" or go unnoticed for that long if you aren't seeing them as often?

The minor red flags I saw in that year were:
- very subtle hot and coldness when we were together, not too often though
- blame shifting
- said "promise you won't leave me" once
- stories of how she could be mean to others

After the year mark it all hit the fan in a horrific way.

[jambley]

I was formerly told very early on "I want a bf I can see 2 or 3 times a week". The r/s was really all on her terms and she met me when it suited her.

The emotional manipulation of meeting her when SHE wanted was tiresome and very selfish. My Aunt, who is my closest relative said to me once "you were too available", perhaps, but I think my boundaries were weak... plus she would not take "no" for an answer. You can't win with these people, it is exhausting.

[jinglebells1989]

I was formerly told very early on "I want a bf I can see 2 or 3 times a week". The r/s was really all on her terms and she met me when it suited her.

The emotional manipulation of meeting her when SHE wanted was tiresome and very selfish. My Aunt, who is my closest relative said to me once "you were too available", perhaps, but I think my boundaries were weak... plus she would not take "no" for an answer. You can't win with these people, it is exhausting.

Mine was a bit different. She wasn't too demanding about when she wanted to see me but it was more of when I was free. However, overtime this became fixed. It was always Wednesdays and Saturdays. She'd spend the night both days.

We would usually go a day or two without texting or calling.

I just wonder if I saw her more than that early on if I would have pickedup on anything sooner?

[jambley]

Well, we may have talked about this earlier in the day, but I think the more you see them/know both sides of their personality, the less they can hide their true nature/disorder. Eventually the mask is off. Alcohol just accelerated the mask slipping.

[vaztek2003]

Wow... .I cant believe how blinded I was during my 2 years "knowing" this woman. I had no idea of BPD while dating her, but I have absorbed so much in the 4 months since she discarded me that all the red flags just seem so obvious.

We would only see each other whenever she wanted as I wasnt allowed to just show up at her home. It was usually when she wanted or needed something. I literally felt as if I was just a friend with her when I would meet up with her. If I ever made plans they would always go up in smoke, she even blew me off once because her "friend" who she hated but was the only one who would hang with her called her with plans... .My problem was that I played the nonchalant card too much, even when things bothered me. I kept quiet to not give her a sense of superiority over me in the relationship. Even with sex I would tell her not to stress that she wasnt providing enough(she would constantly bring it up in her Im so depressed I cant give you sex talk), even though I wanted her, I just didnt want her thinking she held all the cards in the relationship... .lil did I know I had already given her enough by always being there for her.

So if she didnt want to see me we wouldn't so about twice a week was as good as it got.

Sometimes she would flip between being a gf to being a friend in her treatment

In our last face/face she did ask me to promise to always protect and never leave her.

Talk about how she wasnt a good person, I deserved better as she couldnt make me happy... .All I ever asked her to do was love me. Guess she was right and couldnt provide.

Always talk a big game over phone, be it about sex or plans and rarely follow through.

Honestly what hurt the most after being completely discarded (like trash) was the feeling of being used. especially after she went silent. Like damn I didnt even mean enough to get a reply in the end. 

[vaztek2003]

Also another HUGE issue was that it never mattered what I said. I could tell her how beautiful she was and how smart and give her advice, but my words never meant anything... .yet someone else say the exact same thing and it was as if God came down himself and blessed her with those words. Heaven forbid someone said something bad about her... .depressed all day and would barely talk.

[Infern0]

In the beginning, loads, 4-5 time a week

after the first devalue cycle maybe 1 a week

towards the end weeks would go by without her making the time to see me

[Aesir]

I was formerly told very early on "I want a bf I can see 2 or 3 times a week". The r/s was really all on her terms and she met me when it suited her.

The emotional manipulation of meeting her when SHE wanted was tiresome and very selfish. My Aunt, who is my closest relative said to me once "you were too available", perhaps, but I think my boundaries were weak... plus she would not take "no" for an answer. You can't win with these people, it is exhausting.

I went through the same thing. I only really saw her 3 times a week. Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. The last two days I would see her for longer. Wednesday was a work day so I didn't have the time. She only seemed to want me around on HER terms. Really 3 times a week is not that much in a committed relationship. Some people see each other a lot more. In the end that was too much for her too.

Actually there was a phase when I saw her 4 or 5 days a week after her mom died but that was because I was trying to support her. She has no other close relatives so I wanted to be there for her. After a few weeks I settled down to the 2 or 3 days a week. I didn't think that was too intrusive and frankly I thought that was enough for someone I didn't live with plus with my work schedule.

It seemed that after she got used to her mother's absence she didn't need me around or my presence wasn't a priority. The worst outburst I ever seen was over my not contacting her directly before I came over. I came over Friday and Saturday roughly the same time every week. She lost her mind that day and went on a 3 hour tirade. I wouldn't of treated a friend like that let alone someone I was supposedly  in love with.

This was the true beginning of the end of the relationship. I could never get over the shocked hurt of that day and the later arguments she started just pushed me further away.