knackered
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6
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« on: July 07, 2017, 09:45:26 PM » |
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Apologies in advance if this is long
The other night, my H asked ":)o you think I'm not supportive enough?" I struggled with my reply. The last 6 months have left me highly stressed, overwhelmed and depressed and I've experienced significant losses. Do you ever feel like you just want to fall apart but can't because you have to be the one to stay strong? Well, that's me. Mrs. Stoic
So, going back 6 mths... .my Dad was diagnosed with dementia in 2010. He needed to be in a home. Mum resisted all efforts to help. I received calls from carers who visited stating their concerns about Mum looking after him, verbal abuse and to top it off, Mum is a hoarder, therefore their house was not a safe environment. Long story short, the family had to go to court to get Dad placed in a nursing home. He's so happy there. Dementia is ambiguous grief to me. The grief lives with me every day.
I was given financial administration of Mum and Dad's affairs. There are 4 houses full of Mum's spending habits! I found out she has a massive tax bill. The nursing home bill is horrendous! I had to single handedly clean one of their houses (untenanted for 17 yrs and full of her spending habits) and have just sold it to pay the nursing home. When she spends all her money before the next lot is due, guess who ends up paying her bills? By the way, my siblings have run a mile and left everything to me.
Two weeks after Dad moved, my FIL was diagnosed with Leukemia and wasn't given long to live. They live 3 hrs away. We spent every weekend with them. Every holidays. MIL insisted he die at home. We were looking after him in his final days with no palliative care. No sleep for 3 days straight. I was traumatised by it. He passed away the week I was due back at work after holidays, so I had to take bereavement and carer's leave.
Two weeks after taking bereavement leave, I lost my job. The job I loved. Home away from home. Almost 10 yrs service. I never saw it coming. I was gutted. Devastated. Shocked. I was given 6 weeks notice. During that 6 weeks, I was having weekly meetings with my managers, HR etc to try and sort out where they could place me. There was nothing available at management level, so they had to let me go.
Ok, that's my background. Sorry, I got a bit off track there! I'll get to my point. During the 6 week period of meetings, my H has 3 major meltdowns. After each meeting, he would cry on his boss's shoulder about how he had to leave work to be with me (I didn't want him to leave work, I wanted time to digest things to myself but he insisted). He made everything about him! He desperately wanted people to feel sorry for him. He threw tantrums to get attention. He would tell anyone that would listen about how hard it was for him. Now, don't get me wrong, I acknowledge his pain, his grief, his suffering, but I was feeling all of that too. He was making it all about him. It's STILL all about him. Woe is me comments. Negativity.
The pressure is on for me to find another job. He's made it quite clear that his money is his money (and his ex-wife & kids' money too!) But that's another equally as long post... .
Obviously depression hit me like a freight train. What am I trying to say here? I actually don't know. I think I'm feeling that just because he has a disorder, doesn't mean life revolves around him. While I'm feeling this way, I'd like a bit of 'trying to make an effort' come my way. Then the garbage truck of thought processes arrives, and I start feeling selfish and guilty. When he has his outbursts, I'm finding it difficult to 'think ahead' of the right thing to say, the extinction behaviours, the 'careful how you respond' thoughts, and I automatically JADE. How hard is it to not roll your eyes and say "Oh God, here we go again!"? It's hard to be patient with someone when you're worn down and so darn angry at them!
I don't think I wrote this looking for answers. I already know I need to look after myself first. Yep, I'm onto it. I think I needed to just get this off my chest. To just tell somebody, anybody, of my struggles without burdening friends and family. I think also, that because I'm feeling this way, I'm unable to be the healthy one in this relationship at the moment and put my learning and reading into practice. Our marriage is failing rapidly because of my mental decline and his BPD and I'm desperate to save it.
There's our vicious circle... .in not so much of a nutshell! Thank you for listening to my rant.
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