Post-breakup and facing threats and aggressions

[Jami]

Hi there,

i just found this fantastic platform today and am very happy about it. I really wish i would have found it earlier!

I had an intense relationship that lasted about a year, on-off, with a BPD. I realised he has this disorder only toward the end of our interaction, though being aware that some things were off quite soon after getting together. His mother confirmed the diagnose, but he has no treatment and i could never talk with him about it. In addition to being BPD he has an addictive personality with drugs and alcohol abuse. The rest is by the book. Charming, brilliant mind, deeply loving and devoted vs. sudden outburst of projective paranoia, blaming, verbal abuse (not physical) and victimisation. Never his fault, whatever happened. He has very strong abandonment issues and reacts with anger whenever he feels criticised or rejected. He also has extreme episodes of idealisation / demonisation, that i had previously experienced toward other people and only transitionally toward me.

The breakup was arduous, with various phases of detachment and reconnection, until he became so unstable and toxic that i found the strength to definitely pull myself out of the game. It's been a month now. Up to now he handled it quite fairly, but a few days ago he had a sudden outburst of rage. I suppose that he must have fantasised about me having someone new, or got jealous for some other abstract reason. He managed to hack my email and facebook accounts, to delete my professional website and threatened that he will do everything in his power to "destroy" me. He attacked what is dearest to me and menaced to "let everybody know" how manipulative, evil and false i am. His rage and hate were so strong that i felt terrified and asked myself if there wasn't a risk of physical aggression as well. I tried to reason him but he is totally out of his mind and actually acts and talks crazy. Through the intervention of his family he calmed down a little and decided to not act on his threats. I have since cut contact with him because it only seems to increment his anger and opens a channel for his aggression.

But given his negative reactions when feeling rejected, i have a doubt: is it safer to block him (phone, mail) and stay NC or to leave a little door open? A sign from me (like a positive, empathic statement) may help to soothe him and lessen his rage? I really do not know which option could be safer... .

Thanks for any advice!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jami and Welcome! 

Thanks for sharing with us.  You're in the right place for support, that's for sure, and you'll find many others who are able to relate to your situation here. 

Sorry to hear that things have turned out as they have.  It's very hard to comprehend how someone we care about can suddenly turn on us like this.  As for physical aggression, did you ever have any signs of this?  I ask because my exBPDbf did become physically violent towards the end of our r/s so safeguarding yourself is vital if you feel this is a real possibility.  I can send you useful links if this is the case.  Do let me know.   

Regards leaving a door open, I'd ask yourself what you'd be leaving it open for?  In reality doing so only invites more of the same behaviour.  There is no soothing a pwBPD when they are acting out in my experience.  The best thing to do if you wish to move on is to keep that door closed.  If you are leaving him and taking your life forwards, it's no longer your responsibility to consider how he is feeling, as harsh as this may sound.  I have been where you are and learned the hard way.

Keep reading and posting.  You'll find amazing information, articles, workshops and tools on the site which will help you immensely.  I'd advise starting with the lessons (links to the right) and reading others' posts.  Stay in touch.  Things can and do get better from here.

Love and light x

[Jami]

Hi Harley,

thank you for your warm welcome and wise insights. Your advice to leave that door closed resonates. I guess my doubts may arise from the fear that closing it could trigger even worse behaviour. If i think back, i understand that many of my approaches were dictated by un underlying fear of his reactions.

As for physical aggression, i really can't exclude it. I am being alert, there is not much else i can do at the moment. If you feel like sending me the links you mentioned i'd be grateful!

Love and light to you

[Moselle]

Hi Jami. Welcome to BPDfam.

Sorry you are having a tough time through this. It's really important to look after yourself right now. Any experience with BPD is distressing. You sound really strong through this adversity, and it's also OK to admit we are struggling with this sometimes.

I must agree with Harley on this. There's not much to gain by continuing to be in contact. There is a very different process going on for a person with BPD during a break up.

During a relationship a person with BPD becomes so connected to our person. It's almost as if we become enmeshed as one. With the almost inevitable breakup, the unstable attachment of the pwBPD switching between paranoic fear of abandonment, and desire to be adored/loved kicks into overdrive, and we become such a source of distress to them. They lash out in a form of self preservation to prevent them from having to accept their own responsibility for the problems. Their internal logic is that if it is all their partners fault, they can justify their abusive behaviour towards us.

Of course this is not based on fact and is in no way related to truth about us, but we have become their trigger. Any contact at this stage will result in drama and abuse and it has nothing to do with us.

It really important to focus on your own well being now and work on the damage this type of relationship inflicts on our self esteem and well being. It's not normal to be abused in this way.

Have you got someone who.supports you? A therapist or a close friend who might understand the complexities of this?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jami,

He managed to hack my email and facebook accounts, to delete my professional website and threatened that he will do everything in his power to "destroy" me. He attacked what is dearest to me and menaced to "let everybody know" how manipulative, evil and false i am. His rage and hate were so strong that i felt terrified and asked myself if there wasn't a risk of physical aggression as well.

What you describe above is abusive and threatening behaviour, which you would be well within your rights to report if you felt the need to.  I would advise making a log of any specific instances for your records.  Just a few notes so that if you need this at a later stage for any reason to support you, it is there.  Should the behaviour escalate, you could (if you felt unsafe) speak to a local domestic abuse service who could support you in getting an order in place to prevent this from continuing, which would safeguard you.  Just remember you have a right to feel safe and not be threatened.  It could be worth speaking to a local support worker from a service to discuss your feelings about potential backlash from the breakup as they can help you to come up with a safety plan.  This is always a good idea if you have worries.  I did this during my r/s and was so glad that I did.  They were really helpful and kind.  There's no harm in being prepared and it made me feel more confident that I knew what to do if something happened.

I guess my doubts may arise from the fear that closing it could trigger even worse behaviour. If i think back, i understand that many of my approaches were dictated by un underlying fear of his reactions.

As for physical aggression, i really can't exclude it. I am being alert, there is not much else i can do at the moment. If you feel like sending me the links you mentioned i'd be grateful!

Please make someone else aware of your concerns, such as a friend or family member.  Having someone who understands makes a big difference and they are more likely to be flexible with you should you need support at short notice if they're in the picture.  Here are the links I mentioned from the site.  One is a threat assessment tool and the other is around safeguarding.  Hope they are helpful.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Stay strong and let us know how you're doing.  I'll be thinking of you.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

I guess my doubts may arise from the fear that closing it could trigger even worse behaviour.

Someone posted lashing out, he'll lash out if he doesn't get the anticipated behaviors / responses from you , you're adding boundaries by leaving the door open a crack.

[Jami]

Hi there,

just wish to give you an update and let you know that i am still alive  . Other than the replies to my post, I've received a few PMs that were really helpful and supporting. Thank you.

Two days ago i got another thread of awful, devastating emails from him. He basically tried to spin his whole family against me (we've always had a warm and honest relationship, much to his appreciation at first, but then it obviously became a threat) and flooded everybody with so much manipulation and madness that he ultimately reached his goal: his family has gone NC with me.

I have a 9-year-old son whom i've been single-parenting since he was a baby. After my son's dad, my exBPD was my first real relationship. His family - specially his mother - was very involved with my son, who has obviously grown positively attached to them over time. So it's double cruelty, i can take it but my kid, for whom separation meant trauma in the past, will hardly get over such a radical break with the whole clan.
 
And it's paradoxical, because my ex raged against his mother over the previous months. From saint she fell to hell and became a devil in his eyes. Massive projections. He refused to have any kind of contact with her. As soon as i started to seriously detach from him, guess who he turned to? His mother. He quickly shifted our positions. She rose, i fell.

Though the connection to his family was an important link of sanity for me, i am aware that in this moment it is absolutely counterproductive to keep any kind of contact with them. Deep inside i know that they are not against me, that they deeply suffer because of the situation and that they are worried. But i couldn't help it, his ugly words made me doubt everything. The weight of this unjust, abnormally heavy punishment, with the final act being our "abandonment" by his family, has left me wounded and sobbing like a child. His last email was sent in CC to his parents. In it he announces that he will never again have any contact with me and that i am dead to him.

I feel relieved about it, because at this stage i prefer silent treatment to raging. But i am broken to pieces and know that it will take me a lot of time and therapy to truly get back on my legs. I feel so sorry (and guilty) for my son as well. Though unwillingly, i've put him through yet another trauma. It's the very opposite of what i would have wished for him.

The upside is that this place right here, with you, is life-saving. I keep reading so much, it really helps me to de-personalise the dynamics and reach a deeper understanding of the roles, including my own.

Sending a hug out to all of you,

J.

[JQ]

Hi Jami  

I would like to join the others and Welcome you to the "group" ... .sorry you had to find us ... .but happy that you did.  Here you'll find NO ONE that will judge you because we've been where you are right now and we know what it feels like. It sucks at times, it hurts, you feel lost at times, unknown where to go, what to do, what to say ... .but you have the group here always. When you stumble on your journey & you will the group will be here to help you up, dust you off & pat you on the butt to get you started again.

You have received a lot of good guidance from Harley, Moselle in your first time here.  I would echo that YOU need to take care of YOU first & foremost.  Because if you don't take care of YOU how are YOU going to be there for YOUR son ... .but I'm sure I'm not telling you something you don't already know since you've been a single mom for a few years ... .just a friendly reminder that we all need from time to time.  

You have to know that your happiness can only come from YOU being happy and not finding happiness in making others happy.  And the it's the small things in life as you already know the take the biggest impact on our souls. Like the giggling of a child ... .the sound of nature waking up in the morning, the color of a flower for everyone to see, the smell of fresh cut grass ... .and laughter ... .laughter is awesome to repair the mind, body & soul. So laugh as much as you can over the silliest things.

I echo what Harley & Moselle point out ... ."I must agree with Harley on this. There's not much to gain by continuing to be in contact. There is a very different process going on for a person with BPD during a break up."    You'll see this time and time again ... .NC ... .no NC ... .LC or Limited Contact ... .as they say, there isn't much to gain to stay in touch with someone who has a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness ... .nothing good will come from it as you see in example after example in other posts.

This is IMPORTANT for you to know ... .NOTHING that YOU did or didn't do ... .said or didn't say has or will make a difference in his behavior. His behavior isn't a result of you in any way shape or form. He has a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that is beyond current modern science, doctors or even pharma to cure. So as the others have suggested ... .NC is probably best. block his number then delete it. Block all social media & lock it down from those you don't want to read your post ... .even if it's a family or friend of your exBPD. I agree with Harley leaving a door open wouldn't end well.

I would suggest the readings here like Harley did along with a book "The Human Magnet Syndrome" for starters.

Come back as often as you want too ... .vent, chat, get ideas, learn and share your experiences as you want. Above all take care of yourself  

Sending out good vibes to you ... . 

J

[Turkish]

What have you said to your son,  and what kinds of questions is he asking?

My uBPDx and I removed our then 4 year old girl and 7 year old boy from my ex's mother babysitting them,  for a couple of reasons I won't hijack your thread going into.  Of course the they asked questions.  S7 was smart enough to pick up on one of the reasons, and I validated him by acknowledging his views on the matter,  and assuring him that he and his sister were safe with us. I validated his "truth" from his point- if- view,  age appropriately.  This was his grandma,  and she'd watched the kids from birth,  along with 2-4 uncles and an aunt who had moved back in with her toddler,  their cousin.  It had to be done,  however. 

What surprised me is that for the most part,  they took the change in stride.  Kids are resilient.  Can you tell him,  age appropriately? We have a lot of material on the Co-Parenting Board which may help. 

Turkish

[Jami]

Hi Turkish,

first i've researched on the web about how to talk about BPD with kids. I explained him that just as our bodies can get sick, our minds can also have ailments. Then i explained that my ex just can't handle his emotions as we can, that the slightest thing may cause him to react disproportionately and that he must suffer greatly from it. I reassured him that he had absolutely no responsibility in the breakup, which would have occurred no matter what and was beyond our control. I also explained that right now, because my ex is in a very difficult place, it is best to pause the relationship with his family. I didn't, however, mention the threats and aggression that came post breakup.

My son could relate to all of this, because he has witnessed (and was puzzled by) several impulsive outbursts, mood swifts and weird behaviour by my ex. I think it was soothing for him to get a perspective of the underlying causes, but am aware that he resents my ex and, probably deep down, me as well. He has to go through a loss as much as i do, and it will take time to heal. I'll surely talk more with him about the situation to help him through.

Thank you for pointing out the Co-parenting Board, i'll definitely give a look!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jami,

You've handled this really well with your son.  My little boy is 3 and I simply explained to him that my ex was 'not well and this made him feel a lot more than us sometimes'.  He understood that if my ex was 'very sad' it was because he wasn't well and that was OK.  It was the best I could do to explain to him the reason for my ex behaving differently to mummy given his age and he seemed to take it in his stride. 

I think what is important is that we DO talk to our children and not sweep things under the rug as they need to understand what is happening and feel they are being involved and considered.  You've done a sterling job.  Well done.  These things are never easy and yes we have ongoing work to do to help the kids through, but as long as they feel they can speak to us and ask questions knowing we'll be responsive and give them the respect they deserve, then even if we don't always get it textbook it is all about doing our best by them I feel.  Try not to feel guilt (as I do too) for bringing this into your son's life.  Life experience can all be turned into positives that will help them on their way through navigating their own paths in the future as long as we are supportive of them and give them the emotional stability they need.  Keep your chin up.  Things will get easier.

Love and light x   

[Jami]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It really helps to get your feed back and imagine this supportive community actually exists out there in the wast wide world.

After the break up storm i am starting to show the symptoms of depression. Lack of appetite, extreme fatigue, lack of enthusiasm for life, work and meeting up with people... .it surely is an ingredient to this and i read that over 70% of the BPD Family members are struggling with depression. It's tough. I really long for my natural cheerfulness and inner joy to come back.

Somebody in this thread wrote that laughter is important to fight depression. Yesterday i wanted to have a special day with my son, who is leaving for a summer camp tomorrow. He wanted to go to an adventure park in the nature, i said yes even though i wasn't feeling strong enough for it. We had fun, really, it was so nice to be together, we talked a little more, the day was smooth.

Until a BEE stung me in my foot. Never had any problem with bees, really, nor with allergies of any kind. Well, not this time... .i quickly started to feel increasingly ill and went into anaphylactic shock. Swollen face and lips, rashes and itches all over my body, rapid pulse, confusion, nausea, dizziness... .you name it. I felt like i was dying, and if i must be honest, in that moment i wouldn't have struggled too much against it. It is as if my survival instinct was drained away, my perception of the external world dreamlike and distant, i really just wanted to fall asleep. My son and i were shipped to the ER by helicopter, where i was medicated and kept under observation for a few hours before being released. I am fine now, but have a badly swollen foot and am even more drained, depressed and weak than before. My little man did great, he managed the whole thing really well and stayed courageous and alert the whole time. It is only after everything passed that he manifested the shock.

Life is strange sometimes. This bee has decided to sting me out of hundreds of people (not that i would have wished it stung somebody else!) and my immune system decided to react the way it did, and i'll be dragging myself around for the next few days, struggling with an ill body in addition to my already depressed psyche and my heavy emotions. The thing that really surprised me was that when the helicopter flew over my exBPD's neighbourhood, and though i was more dead than alive and utterly confused, i turned my head to see if i could see his building through the window. Some part of me wished for him to come and rescue me, to sit by me and hold my hand, to love me and pull me back into life. It was just an instant, but it hit me. Looks like the fairytale-prince archetype is still well anchored in my subconscious mind.

Instead, he is somewhere out there hating me to his guts. NC is kept intact from both sides, but as i was forced to build this sad wall to preserve my sanity and safety, his motivations seem to be quite different. He needs to project his vision of me as a malevolent demon to feel better about himself, to cope with the loss. This is what brought him to want NC. It is not about healthy boundaries, it is about raging and splitting and demolishing everything that has been, even the (very) good things. And it is SO hard to cope with that.

Sending out my love to all of you,

J.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jami,

How are you feeling now after the sting?  Anaphylactic shock is scary.  I have a friend with food allergies who must carry an adrenaline pen all the time.  I can relate to the sense of 'what on else can possibly happen now?'  (Although I can't say I've ever had the experience of being in an air ambulance at the time!)

You may think I'm nuts but I'm the person who annoyingly sees the silver lining even in my own moments of overwhelm and despair.  Seems to me that the only way is up from here.  Sometimes everything piling on at once can be a blessing because we get that stage out of the way and things begin to improve after this.  It's important at that point we recognise and relish every small step, as it's all leading us in the right direction.  Forwards. 

Love and light x