BPD SIL?

[WitzEndWife]

I've been dealing with my BPDh and trying to learn about how to deal with his various issues for the past six months. I believe I am making some progress, overall, but it is slow going. However I'm wondering if his SIL is actually BPD also. She and her H (my H's brother) are big believers in conspiracy theories. They have a lot of paranoid beliefs about government and the establishment, or any "authority" organization. They live all the way across the globe (and this is a good thing for me). My SIL does not work full time. A lot of her time is spent on Facebook, posting mainly anti-science articles, or professional photos of herself (she thinks a lot of her physical appearance). She particularly enjoys picking arguments with me online. I am fairly calm and rational, and I have a background in fact checking, so I usually methodically pick apart and explain my arguments (JADE). This spurs her on. She then begins personal attacks, which I've tried to address privately, and ask her why she is resorting to mean-spirited comments. She gaslights me and says I'm being too sensitive, that she only means to "inform" me of the "truth," because she "cares." I, of course, see right through this, and call her bluff, but she tries to paint me as some irrational being anyway. She is never wrong and she always turns things around on me. She flies off the handle, and often goes so far as to aggressively seek out arguments, bordering on harassment. She is outrageously abusive to me. So, I suspect that she might also be BPD.

My thinking is that, perhaps, I need to use the same tools on her that I am learning for my husband. I need to quit explaining myself, and just make her feel validated.

Thankfully, due to our last spat, she un-friended me on Facebook, so I don't have to deal with the regular harassment. However, I'm sure that I will run into her again, likely through my husband's Facebook, or via family visits. I'll have to see if these tools will work on her.

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[isilme]

I noticed that all of H's siblings have some sort of dysfunction.   H is the middle child, his sister is the oldest, and his brother the youngest.  I can easily say that all 3 of them suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder, but their reactions are slightly different, which I think has to do with treatment based on birth order.

The little brother has been described as very easily angered, even as a small child, where he would attack, scratch and bite the older 2 (H and his older sister).  He has gotten in trouble for starting fights been super openly rebellious, and the parents did very little to reign him in.  He deals with adversity by openly raging at it, or burying his head in the sand about it.  He is apparently so jealous his wife can't have a Facebook page because he's worried other guys may talk to her online. 

H is, of course, one of 3 reasons I am here (mom and dad being the other 2).  He is a milder version of his brother, more likely to simmer in resentment until the teapot explodes, just a likely to hide from problems but more likely to step up and address them when forced to do so.

The sister, partly from her being the girl and the oldest, came across as very healthy in her coping mechanisms, until her pregnancy, miscarriage, and next pregnancy, postpartum, and second successful pregnancy.  She kinda lost it, like the veil she was able to hide behind all got stripped away - understandably so, but she was really unpleasant to be around.  Her stories about that time include having to be lead out of Baby Depot, hysterically crying and yelling at employees for not taking returns/exchanges, she got mad we use milk in homemade from scratch mashed potatoes because the baby (who was not even on real food mostly yet) was not able to try them at Thanksgiving, we bought the "wrong" heat and serve rolls, and now she manages her daily schedule with an iron fist, in 15 minute increments to manage her life and her family's.  She went from being someone I admired for how stable she was able to be in light of how both her brothers could act, to the one I feel weirdest around now. 

Siblings may or may not pick up the same behaviors - some ppl manage to come out of a house of crazy relatively well adjusted, others just mirror what they hated themselves. 

I think the tools here should mostly work in ANY difficult interaction with anyone, BPD or not. 

[WitzEndWife]

Yes, for sure the tools work with anyone difficult. I've used validation with my boss before, and it helps me get my point across. 

This whole situation is particularly odd because she's an in-law and did not grow up with my H. She seems to have a lot of anger and insecurity, regardless of whether she's BPD.

I'm just SO glad that I don't have to deal with her much anymore, and that I didn't have to be the "bad guy" and unfriend her!