Which book(s) concepts did you find the most helpful for you, personally?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My favorite books so far are Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Narcissist and Borderline. I also really like the Human Magnet Syndrome which discusses patterns of codependents gravitating towards emotional manipulators. Good stuff to help us keep our eyes open when selecting future partners.

I had never even heard of BPD until I started searching frantically this fall to try and figure what the hell was wrong with ME! Wondering why it was so hard to let go of this person. I had panic attacks for months following the breakup and was not even functional and I just didn't understand. Finding this website and reading SWOE was my orientation to BPD. Is was like I was reading my own horror story and I couldn't believe how similar some of the patterns were.

The Stop Caretaking book I thought was excellent and talks a lot about how expectations in these relationships have to take into account that a lot of the nons needs will not be met. Looking back I was trying to get her to meet at least some of my needs and I think she just wasn't capable and I wouldn't want to try to sustain a relationship like that. So it helped a lot in putting into perspective some of my frustrations as approaching it with logic and rationale just wasn't working because it isn't logical and rational. Very sad but very true.

[Duped 1]

My favorite books so far are Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Narcissist and Borderline. I also really like the Human Magnet Syndrome which discusses patterns of codependents gravitating towards emotional manipulators. Good stuff to help us keep our eyes open when selecting future partners.

I had never even heard of BPD until I started searching frantically this fall to try and figure what the hell was wrong with ME! Wondering why it was so hard to let go of this person. I had panic attacks for months following the breakup and was not even functional and I just didn't understand. Finding this website and reading SWOE was my orientation to BPD. Is was like I was reading my own horror story and I couldn't believe how similar some of the patterns were.

The Stop Caretaking book I thought was excellent and talks a lot about how expectations in these relationships have to take into account that a lot of the nons needs will not be met. Looking back I was trying to get her to meet at least some of my needs and I think she just wasn't capable and I wouldn't want to try to sustain a relationship like that. So it helped a lot in putting into perspective some of my frustrations as approaching it with logic and rationale just wasn't working because it isn't logical and rational. Very sad but very true.

[Herodias]

In my case, "Psychopath Free" has been the most helpful. Lots of information about how you get attached and how to detach.

[Panda39]

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourselfby Melody Beattie

I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw and my ex was an alcoholic... .both of us in codependent first marriages.

I came here because of my SO's ex but began to realize that I had many of the care taking behaviors often described by BPD Family members so I began working on myself too.  I found the above book good for understanding co-dependency and more importantly insight into my co-dependent behaviors, why I was in a co-dependent marriage and what was I getting out of it. (Because it takes two to Tango )

I'm going to have to check out the Human Magnet Syndrome sounds like it's right up my alley 

Panda39

[Skip]

The reading that has been most helpful to me has been Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I don't have anyone in my life with BPD or addiction, but those tools are so incredibly effective when used with anyone. I've learned that it is most effective to adopt these as a lifestyle (it take practice) - then it comes naturally and sincerely.

I like "The Conquest Of Happiness"  by Bertrand Russell (circa 1930). Russell was a British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, writer, social critic, political activist and Nobel laureate. This is an interesting exploration on how we sometime adopt beliefs, seek certain goals, and create life that creates unhappiness. Russel tells you what not to do. Its so logical and practical, its hard to dispute. How we think and what we seek plays a much greater role than I had thought before reading the book.

I've read many article on John Bowlby's (MD) Attachment Theory and Murry Bowen's (MD) Family Theory and it explains very clearly how we end up in troubled relationships and are wounded by them. Learning the formula is a good first step in breaking the cycle.

I've also read a lot on the Karpman Drama Triangle. . Its amazing to know how drama forms and its the best tool to avoid it.

Most importantly, I take great pains to avoid read junk psychology. There is a lot of it out there. Some written by trained professionals.  These books might feel good, but I don't think they actually help us after a relationship has failed. I think these books have created a subculture of people who labeling everyone that acts badly or hurts our feelings as a monster.

As a sportsman, I don't think a book entitled "do not do these bad golfing techniques" would help my golf game much. I think a book on how to swing correctly is much better. There is a huge distance from a bad swing to a good swing. Not having a bad swing is not much of an accomplishment.

I think this applies to relationships too. I sadly see this in many of our members on the Dating board focusing in on identifying the bad and running or putting up protections to manage it. I believe the focus should be in the opposite direction - learning to look for and identify the fundamentals of a good person and a compatible partner. And equally important, learning how to be significantly better relationship partners ourselves.  Not having a toxic relationship is not much of an accomplishment. We want to have great relationships.

Good topic.  

[hopealways]

"The Fantasy Bond" by Robert Firestone

I have read every book out there but this is the ultimate. "Stop walking on eggshells" is popular but outdated.

[Pedro]

I have read Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder.

It has given me invaluable learning & understanding of my ex partner's condition.  I wish I had read this during our relationship rather than after it ended.  The tools, scenarios & templates suggested are I am sure will be beneficial for those in a relationship with somebody with BPD.

[Lucky Jim]

Iron John, by Robert Bly, for his insight on men's issues.  Women can learn a lot by reading it, too!  LJ

[vanx]

If you are someone who identifies as a highly sensitive person, you may enjoy Elaine Aron's "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love". This book helps me feel confident about my own sensitivity as well as the possibility of being compatible with another sensitive person.

[balletomane]

In the immediate aftermath of the relationship with my diagnosed BPD ex, who was abusive, I benefited greatly from Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?. Bancroft is a counsellor who specialises in the treatment and rehabilitation of abusive men and his book was eye-opening for me - I saw my ex's pattern of behaviour to a tee in what he was saying. It helped me to make sense of what had happened to me and to accept that there was no way I could have changed my ex or single-handedly stopped him from doing harmful cruel things.

Another helpful book was a spiritual book by Jane de Chantal, a Catholic nun who lived a couple of centuries ago. It contains a lot of practical and comforting wisdom about self-compassion, trust in God, and coping with the difficulties life throws at you, and I carried it everywhere during the worst time - it was so comforting to dip into it when my thoughts got too bleak and my grief felt overwhelming.

[Unsureofmyself]

www.gettinbetter.com/casanova.html This helped me to understand the disorder and the reasons behind the way they act. However I am a woman dealing with a male BPD however this author has also written about women characteristics also . With a read

[SisterRichard]

I just read "Surviving the Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries and Self Esteem" by Kimberlee Roth. Very helpful to me.

[roberto516]

I have read some books but knowledge from books doesn't change our behaviors. So I'm going to share a concept that has helped. For me, I had to dig down into my own worldview and begin to see things differently in the day to day experience that is life. One of the most helpful for me is something called "Kintsugi". It's a japanese tradition where cracked bowls and things are filled in with gold.

The philosophical viewpoint behind it is threefold. 1. When something is broken it is not to be discarded and replaced with something new or more sturdy. 2. By filling in the cracks and breaks with gold the broken, useless item becomes quite beautiful. 3. By filling in the cracks and not throwing away the item it shows that things have value and a story and room to grow through their cracks and damage.

Number 3 has been immensely helpful. After my first BPD relationship ended 5 years ago I tried to work on myself. But all I did was numb the pain with hobbies, parties and work etc. I tried to throw the cracked bowl away and start fresh. Now I realize that I am broken, flawed and damaged. And that's okay. I won't hide from that person anymore. She will not get all the blame for this. I won't be a victim to it all as if I had no say or control. I will wear, AND ACCEPT, all my cracks and damage which is allowing me to actually fill in the cracks with beautiful gold through introspection, feeling feelings, and actually learning who the heck I really am.

Hope some of this helped in any way.

[lovenature]

Now I realize that I am broken, flawed and damaged. And that's okay. I won't hide from that person anymore. She will not get all the blame for this. I won't be a victim to it all as if I had no say or control. I will wear, AND ACCEPT, all my cracks and damage which is allowing me to actually fill in the cracks with beautiful gold through introspection, feeling feelings, and actually learning who the heck I really am.

Very good introspection and outlook on life; I believe we must always look at the overall of things.

[lovenature]

Stop Walking on Egg Shells and Searching for the Real Self to understand BPD.
Codependent no more and Overcoming Perfectionism to see my role in it.
The Power of Now and Our Pristine Mind to understand what is the best way to live as a human being.

[Duped 1]

Some good stuff here. I read  Codependent no More and Why Does He Do That as well. I'm gong to order the book on the highly sensitive person as I do feel I can be a little sensitive at times but both of my counselors (one of who worked with us together) do not feel this is an issue.

[Herodias]

Very interesting observation Skip;
"I think this applies to relationships too. I sadly see this in many of our members on the Dating board focusing in on identifying the bad and running or putting up protections to manage it. I believe the focus should be in the opposite direction - learning to look for and identify the fundamentals of a good person and a compatible partner. And equally important, learning how to be significantly better relationship partners ourselves.  Not having a toxic relationship is not much of an accomplishment. We want to have great relationships."

I am going to have to refocus. It is a bit hard to tell sometimes, but if you simplify it and stop watching for red flags and watch for deal breakers and uncommon goals, that work too! I read once that any one can be in love with just about anyone, if you work at it. I am not so sure about that one anymore. I think we grab what we can get sometimes... .at least in the past. I now see allot of people giving up. It's sad.