And the Beat goes on...

[nutmeg]

First of all, I haven't been posting here for awhile because I had actually forgotten that I had a membership here! Anyway, reading back over the helpful answers and support that I received before, I am here seeking support again.

My daughter phone me today to tell me that her live in boyfriend got violent and that she had to call the police and have him arrested. Then she wanted to know why she couldn't come and stay with us (myself and her stepdad). I set the boundary a long time ago with her, telling her that she could not ever live with me again, but that I would try be supportive in other ways.  So I simply reminded her of this, and then she tried to guilt trip me.  I already feel awful knowing that she is in the middle of an eviction because she and her boyfriend don't pay the rent, and now she's had him arrested and wants to bring the crap storm to my door.

She is still living under a false identity and won't use her own name, meaning that she can't apply for any kind of benefits even though she clearly needs them.  She keeps moving in with different guys who eventually abuse her then blames me for not taking her in. And yet last summer, when we drove through the city she lives in and I wanted to see her, she put me off!

I had a long talk with my niece, whose brother (my nephew) also has BPD so she knows what I am going through.  Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi nutmeg 

Welcome back.

I'm sorry what you're dealing with your daughter, that's hard having to remind her of the firm boundary you set sometime ago. As you say you can be supportive in other ways. What are her plans, if only she'd sign on for benefits, life maybe easier. Why is she hiding her identity?

Glad you have your niece and have come back here for support.

WDx

[nutmeg]

Thanks for the response! We have been wondering if it is legal to do a background check on her so that I can find out exactly what she is hiding? Maybe it is something I can help with, if only I knew what!

[Huat]

Hello Nutmeg:

My daughter's verbal abuse towards me has escalated over the years (I am now 74... .she is 51).    Our relationship has been a roller-coaster ride and along the way there have been heartfelt (and I believe genuine) apologies from her.  All have been accepted and we moved on... .to her next meltdown... .and the next... .and the next. 

This last blow-up towards me was a game-changer... .vulgarity I had not heard before.  The apology eventually came... .and it was accepted... .again.  This time, though, I told her I loved her but that the next time we meet has to be in a counsellor's office.  I have negotiated boundaries before... .but, like you, I am standing firm on this one.

We are Moms and our nature is to pick up our children when they fall.  Sometimes, though, we have to let them fall so that they can learn.  That is a hard thing to do.

Hang in there, Nutmeg!   Feel confident in knowing that you are doing the best you can do for your child.

[nutmeg]

I agree! My first instinct is to try and pick her up after a fall, but I am definitely finding that it is better for my health and sanity to leave her there, yet it still causes me anguish.  It seems to go against all that is natural, not to try and help! Since she has created this reality there is not a darned thing that I can do to change it for the better.

And, Huat: having profanity hurled at you is hurtful indeed! I am sorry that you had to endure that.   

[wendydarling]

Hi nutmeg

Huat makes a good point, a meet at the counsellor's office is the last offer. 

You've set your firm boundary your DD will never live with you, you offer support in other ways and your DD may remember your offer and wonder what that means? Paring it down may help to focus.

If it feels right to reach out to your DD regards to her hidden identity this approach may help, Adopt a Problem Solving Model.

My deepest respect to you, nutmeg and Huat, as we all find our path. My 28DD is a quiet one, fightiing to recover - manage her emotions, doing well, small focused steps work.

Hope, breathe, peace.

WDx

[Huat]

Hello again, Nutmeg:

You wrote:  "Since she has created this reality, there is not a darned thing that I can do to change it for the better." 

I can't tell you how much weight came off my shoulders when I finally realized I did have the ability to make changes.   I couldn't change my daughter... .but... .I could change ME. 

My health was suffering.  My marriage (now 55 years and counting!) was suffering.  Even sadder and more frightening, I had contemplated suicide at one low point.  How could the child I gave birth to and loved so much continue to do the things she did to me?  The answer came to me... .I had let it happen.

So, I literally looked in the mirror and and spoke to myself... .telling me that I was a good Mom and deserving of respect.  I didn't change over-night.  The process has been a work-in-progress and will probably continue to be so.  I'm learning to let go of those dreams that held me hostage, then face... .and deal with... .reality.  This is not the life I envisioned I would have in my latter years but where doors have closed, windows have opened.

I know my daughter, like yours, continues with struggles in her life.  I can only hope the shift in me will, in turn, cause a shift for the better in mine.  I will be here when... .if... .she needs me... .but boundaries are set... .some may be negotiable (Hmmmm?)... .others not.  I'm okay, Nutmeg, and you can be, too.  One day at time!

[nutmeg]

These replies are very helpful to me right now! I am exploring the links and realizing that I have a lot more options than I realized.  What I most want, is to not lug this guilt and FOG around all of the time. After all, it isn't really helping anyone if I feel guilty, is it?  Thank you for taking the time to respond!